Tagged with jesse ryder

the adams apple vs the bulge

Ishant Sharma is one hell of a talent.

The height, the pace, the movement and the physical abnormity.

It’s all there.

And he knows it.

Nothing wrong with confidence, but Sharma seems to have an inflated theory of where he is right now.

Right now he is still more than hittable.

One day, that may not be the case.

Jesse Ryder on the over hand is just over inflated.

Few would doubt his talent, but his commitment, and dietary habits have been questioned.

More than thrice.

But the dude is just down to earth.

He has an amazing calmness about him.

These two personalities met at Eden Park.

The prince of fast bowling and the fat dude who can bat.

It was an interesting show down.

Sharma was sledging Jesse even after Jesse had put him into the stands.

The rage from Sharma seemed to be over someone having the audacity to treat him that way, and the fact that Jesse seemed to shrug his shoulders while asking Sharma what his problem was didn’t seem to ease the tension.

My nan had a theory that anytime sportsmen got really fired up (Sharma was fuming) it was over a woman, you’d have to doubt these two fight over the same women.

Sharma to Jesse provided 32 runs off 18 balls, one dropped catch, before Jesse eventually played on.

It was street fight out on the pitch, Sharma throwing it all at Jesse, and Jesse putting most of it to, or over, the rope.

Sharma just didn’t seem to be able to handle it.

It reeked of class difference, the level headed working class kid who knew his stuff, up against the rich kid who couldn’t believe anyone was treating him way.

It was like an after school special teen film about cricket.

Except good to watch.

And this was a dead one day game.

Can’t wait to see Sharma flying in to Jesse in a live test match.



Remember to support the balls in the Ashes charity match spectacular.

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Christchurch; you’ve been so very bad.

This was a dirty run orgy.

The crowd were titillated, enthralled, excited and had sixes all over them

Each bowler was molested, bent over and stroked.

The commentators shrieking, screaming and ever so effusive in praise when it had ended.

Sachin was front and centre for a lot of this, the blue rinse (and shirt) set were giddy in anticipation.

With every flash of his blade he took his score closer to the ODI’s ultimate fetish item, the double ton.

Unfortunately with all that lunging and improvisation he could not maintain it for the time that was needed.

The young men all contributed to the excitement, just for not as long, but everyone was disappointed that Sachin was caught short with a torn torso.

The crowd new they had a big surprise coming though, as they don’t come much bigger than Jesse.

The large member of the Kiwi side came out swinging.

He hit the ball hard and long, to all corners of the ground.

Christchurch has never seen such a spanking display.

It was way too kinky for Vettori to even turn up.

Sure the end petered out, but like all good sessions, the bowlers knew they were well and truly fucked.

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Ryder the all roundest all rounder

He bats.

He bowls.

He keeps.

He drinks.

He cults (um).

And he is round.

Every other all rounder is a useless in comparison.

Apparently for the current trev barry series Jesse was to be the back up keeper as well.

Bizarre.

When he found out about this fact, and then heard the Prince Brendan of Cow Dirt was injured, Jesse did what any larger lazy man would do.

He feigned injury.

Sure he can literally do everything.

But, who can be bothered.

With Jacob out, and Shane Bond held captive by Pat Symcox’s dinner jacket, Jesse thought he needed a break.

What he did not need was wicket keeping.

I have always said wicket keepers get the girls, but when you are sex on a stick like jessie, you don’t need to be a keeper.

Instead of Pirnce brendan keeping the Kiwi’s are going to use a local player, probably not Luke Ronchi though.

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one out of six aint bad

There is only one batsman in the New Zealand top six who is not test level.

And he top scored yesterday.

How has a lot of talent, usually a good temperament, and a defensive technique you could build a hospital on.

Ryder has a great eye, uncomplicated footwork, an dthe potential to be a top test batsman/drunkard.

Taylor is their best batsman talent wise, and could be a future superstar if he plays straight.

Peter Fulton is no superstar, but there is no reason he couldn’t set himself up in the Paul Collingwood or Michael Hussey mode, cutting out all the risks, and average at least 40 at test level.

And little Daniel Flynn with all that toughness, and not a lot of shots can be a bastard to get out.

The one who isn’t good enough is Redmund, but on the flat pitch, he made the most out of what he had.

He defended when he had to, he attacked when he could, and eventually he just went beyond his skill level.

So what about the others?

How chased a wide one, Ryder had a loss of concentration, and Fulton never looked like his mind was right.

Flynn and Taylor were worked over by clever bowlers.

There is a top 6 there, but you need 500 in the first innings a Radelaide, unless you are England, and unless something magical happens, they are going to come up short.

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News from New Zealand, Jake makes the women cry, Jesse to shake his ass for Australians and Shane still bitter

Jacob Oram’s back is so bad, he is cancelling his modelling shoot on the gold coast, also the cricket tour he was going to play inbetween.

His back has never recovered from all the times he bent it bowling at his top pace.

Sorry.

It is so bad that he can’t play Australia.

Millions of Australian women are crying into their cereal this morning.


Jacob inspired mills & boon books are being burnt.

And women are cancelling their holidays.

An emotionally frail Australia may have been just the meal ticket for the perfect boyfriend.

Although the pitches with bounce might have troubled him, and that could have left Ian Smith in tears, actual man tears.

So perhaps this is all for the best.

New Zealand probably wont beat Australia regardless of the perfect boyfriends condition, but he would have been one of those X Factors I hear so much about.

He could have filled the day with 10 overs of that choking medium pace he likes so much.

And then popped in with the odd cameo when the Aussie bowlers were too tired to bowl short.

Instead he will be at home, and some South African no one in the world cares about will play.

It’s hardly the same thing now is it.

The tour will still be exciting, as Badonkadonk Ryder is involved.

Australia love a opposition cult figure, and the last one to turn up was Monty, and he bored the crap out of them.

So they need a bit of sumtin sumtin, and Jesse should be able to provide said flair.

In more New Zealand cricket news Shane Bond has come out and said he never wants to play for his country again after the way he was treated.

He will play for Indian millionaires though, they rock.

Imagine if all the cricketers in the world decided not to play for their country after they were treated badly.

Pakistan and the West Indies would never field a team.

Australia would have only Probots, more so than now.

And England would have a team of public school boys saying toodle pip and wishing they could be amateurs again.

Remember Shane, your country is more important than bumbling administracrats who can’t even appoint a coach.

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jesse is back

One of cricket with ball’s favourite cricketers is back, and now he is a test player.

Like everyone in the cricket world i was appalled and pissing myself when Jesse Ryder lost his fight with a toilet window.

Things haven’t been the same since Jesse left us.

Food hasn’t tasted as fatty.

Tequila hasn’t been consumed at olympic standards.

And no other player has had a comedic fall from grace since then.

Gibbs went for a drive on the sauce, and Roy went fishing, it’s hardly the same.

Ryder is to be touring Bangladesh, so he even gets a chance to start with a bradman style average.

There is some bad news.

The man, affectionately known as Badonkadonk Ryder, has vowed not to touch the booze for the whole time he is in Bangladesh.

So he probably won’t be meeting up with Jamie Siddons.

The only question is now, with drinking out of the question, how will Jesse fuck up his tour of bangladesh

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Jesse’s back in town

His home town in New Zealand, that is. NOT London town, because Jesse Ryder WON’T make it to England for the one-dayers.

His hand has not yet recovered from its unfortunate nighttime rendezvous with a toilet window.

O NOES! This is an EPIC FAIL on the part of his hand tendons.

I am very disappointed, for the following reasons:
  • My “Jesse Is My Kind Of All-Rounder” and “What Would Jesse Do” tshirts won’t get an outing this summer.
  • I have a thing for the better-padded man.
  • In a time of protein shakes, personalised gym programmes and detailed fitness analyses I love that there’s room in the game for a batsman like him.

    and

    • He is talented, exciting and great to watch.
    • He is the kind of person of whom you get the impression that he really, really needs to be playing cricket.

    Oh Jesse, get better soon! We miss you! Even Bumble Lloyd was asking after you in his commentary the other day!

    We could have had such a great summer:

    • Monopoly board pub crawl
    • “Withnail and I” drinking game
    • “Sideways” drinking game
    • Night out in Strawberry Moon
    • Night out in Tiger Tiger
    • Night out at Infernos and the Clapham Grand
    • If you’d come early, pre 1 June, we could have gone to that tube party to mourn the ban on drinking on public transport
    • You could have had free rein of my box file of takeaway menus
    • I have a well-stocked drinks cabinet, including unusual delights such as Kummel and Goldwasser
    • I live within 10 minutes’ walk of at least three fried chicken establishments

    Jesse, I’ll always cut fresh flowers for you
    Jesse, I’ll always make the wine cold for you
    Jesse, I can easily change my mind about you
    And put on cologne
    And I will wait by the phone for you – Oh Jesse!

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    If it wasn’t for arsonists, would we have the ashes?

    One of my vigilant readers sent me an email saying:

    Not sure if you’d caught up on the fact that Mark Vemuelen is considering a comeback.

    Apparently he just wants a couple of matches…

    Thanks LG

    This caught my eye for two reasons, one he made a great arson related pun.

    And two, because it is true.

    The man who was deemed too mentally ill to commit arson wants to come back to international cricket.

    Ofcourse he hasn’t mentioned that the reason he left international cricket was that Irfan Pathan hit him with a cream pie.

    But should we let mentally ill people play cricket.

    It’s an interesting question, so I posed it to Andre Nel.

    He head butted me.

    So I asked Sreesanth, but he ran away stripped down naked and was flicking away imaginary rats.

    I got hold of Michael Clarke, who said

    “Narcisscism is not a mental illness you know, it’s a personality disorder”.

    From there I contacted Freddy Flintoff, but he couldn’t hear me in his hyperbaric chamber.

    I talked to Shoaib, he seemed to really warm to me, I spoke to him for about ten minutes, before he turned to his minder and said

    “I don’t think this guy has any coke”.

    After all that I got hold of Jesse Ryder.

    “Fu©ked if I know mate, can you hold that Tequila for me, my hand is fu©ken killing me”.

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    not a good week to be a BBM

    Not a good week for fat boys.

    Firstly Badonkadonk Ryder cuts up his hand whilst trying to have a p1ss.

    Then junior boof Mark Cosgrove gets dropped for bad form and bad shape by South Australia.

    He was less than impressed with being dropped, and even less so that weight was mentioned to the press, even though it was not advised to him.

    But Mark lets be honest, you haven’t made a cracker this year.

    Dizzy Gillespie and Manou have out batted you.

    The only runs you’ve got this year, is the after mac crap.

    Regardless of your weight, you have been in sh1t form, and the minute a fat man fails, they are gonna get rid of him quicker than a slim lined version.

    Because you are costing them a fortune in catering bills.

    If you make a thousand runs a year, they will pay for the extra extra extra large uniforms without flinching.

    But until then you’re an expendable fatty.

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    Bust a nut big man

    The love affair may be over before it started.

    Badonkadonk Ryder has injured himself in a nasty bar room brawl with a toilet door.

    The door made no comment on the incident.

    He will need surgery to reconstruct his finger, 3 months in a padded cell and a skin graft.

    No jokes about where they will find any excess skin for said graft should be entertained.

    The incident happened at 5am, so there is a fair chance his night was just warming up and that he was sober.

    The toilet door, 24 of Christchurch, was accidentally locked, and Ryder desperately needed to drain a kidney after all the lemonades he had been consuming.

    Sprite have also declined to comment.

    The NZ cricket board are upset at the incident, although unnamed sources are just happy that no players signed up to the ICL overnight or got caught with weed.

    Jesse has been under a lot of pressure recently, he was heard to say only days ago “Ya know it’s hard out here for a pimp, with a whole lotta b1tches jumpin ship”.

    Shane Bond and the Marshall boys had no comment either.

    The Kiwi administracrats must be worried with Ryder, he seems to have way too much personality to play cricket for New Zealand, and this kind of unruly behaviour is usually only tolerated in Rugby players.

    The ICL however have downgraded their offer to Ryder from 400,000 a year to 300,000 a year, but a promotional deal with Cuervo has been struck up for Ryder in Goa, so that should lessen his pain.

    It is the cricket public who will really suffer, with Ryder’s 3 month absence, Peter Fulton or Lou Vincent may come back, and that is a pain far worse than putting your hand through a window.

    So far unsubstantiated reports have stated that Darren Lehmann and Shane Warne have gone over the set the boy straight.

    Jesse’s Parents were overheard to say, that’s all he needs.

    The team at Sportsfreak are all over this.

    Like Jesse on a chicken wing.

    That was unnecessary.

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