Tagged with jesse ryder …

Apr 02 2009
county cricket, kiwis

Want a piece of Jesse?

Not you ladies, although I am sure you do, and more than a few men.

I’m talking to the county cricket sides.

Cricket with balls has the latest scoop before it hits the presses, that Jesse Ryder wants a county gig.

I think Surrey should ass Bhajji, and pick up Jesse, but that is only because i live next door to the oval.

But I am not god.

So if you are a county side, call Jesse’s people, they are ace, and book the human headline.

Think of all the benefits:


You get Jesse.

His bandanas.

His runs.

His wickets.

His cheeky little smile.

His cricket charisma.

And a future cult leader.


What county team wouldn’t want that.

Maybe Kent, for obvious reasons.

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Mar 30 2009
indians, kiwis

The test that Jesse drew

OK so the Kiwis didn’t win the test, except from a philosophical Andy Moles view point.

Now they go into the last test with much practice bowling on flat lifeless pitches to a good batting line up.

According to Jeremy Coney the BCCi is to blame for the flat pitches.

They called ahead and didn’t want their batsmen to be embarrassed like last time.

Now I like Jeremy, and hate the BCCi, but this is a stretch.

If for no other reason than the pitches the Windies visited were pretty damn flat as well.

Jerome Taylor anyone?

Did the WICB call up as well, did they use their amazing powers to cinvince New Zealand that the 2 test series should be played on highways?

No, ofcourse not.

Pitches are flat now.

All of them.

3/30 to over 600.

One wicket in day.

On the last two days this test was in a coma.

Maybe Andy Moles is right, perhaps we should play out draws, and then award the team with the best character arc.

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Mar 28 2009
indians, kiwis

The test that Jesse won

If New Zealand is to hold onto this match that is how it should be remembered.

Jesse owns Napier at the moment.

Double ton.

Innings defining wicket.

Screamer of a catch.

India have not played well.

Jesse is one hell of a roadblock to get around.

There are already certain sections of India that are blaming the team, and screaming for Dhoni to come back.

That is fine, but India have won their last two series, and before Jesse stood up looked like winning this series 4 nil, which was mathematically impossible.

Sometimes players carry their teams along with them.

Rydermania is contagious, like syphilis.

New Zealand might still be missing a couple of test standard bowlers, but they have hoisted themselves onto the impressive frame of Jesse Ryder and are riding him to one all.

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Mar 27 2009
kiwis

Self Justification tastes better than humble pie

“I don’t think it is any coincidence, though, that his game has gone up a good notch or two since he put a cork in the bottle. He also looks a bit fitter, to have fined down a bit, which no doubt is also a result of laying off the booze.”

Adam Parore

Feel free to read this as:

“Sure I said he was too fat to play, and I bagged him for being a loose cannon and the constant drinking. But look I am still right. I am always right, remember that, and he is still fat, and was a drunk as well”.

He also goes on to say that Jesse isn’t a stylist with a bat.

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Mar 27 2009
kiwis

Jesse doubles up

While you could be tempted to talk about the marvellous double ton that Jesse just created.

It wasn’t the story I cared about.

The story was his furiously intense anger when he went out.

Emotionally it shouldn’t hurt getting out the ball after you make your first double ton.

Sure there is the disappointment of going out, but Jesse had more than that.

He was, to use a phrase he would, fucken pissed off.

The shot was ordinary, not so much for its angled bat, but because it was a lazy swipe when everything else he hit with such purpose.

It wasn’t a shot bad enough to slam your bat into the turf.

It definitely wasn’t a shot bad enough to put a divot next to the pitch.

It just wasn’t that bad, but Jesse is a man of passion.

Can’t open a toilet door, smash a window.

Get out for 201; don’t acknowledge the standing ovation the crowd is giving you.

When he is pissed off you know, when he is happy you know.

It’s refreshing.

None of this was a put on; he wasn’t showing the emotions that his publicist wants him to show.

He was showing his pure anger at giving up his wicket.

Nothing more.

He didn’t want to get out, and the double ton didn’t ease the pain.

This culminated with him finally getting off the ground and slamming his bat into whatever was in his way and then leaving it there as he went up the stands.

It was emotive stuff.

It was Jesse.

The more we see of him, the more we like.

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Mar 26 2009
kiwis

More Jesse

The question you must now ask yourself is, how much Jesse is too much.

No, not a fat joke.

I mean how Jesse can you watch before you get bored.

The correct answer is 4 days worth.

We could watch Jesse all day every day for four days.

True.

Even Indian fans want Jesse to make runs.

You can’t hate the guy, unless you are Hugh Morris.

He is the most likeable cricketer going round at the moment.

No not a fat joke.

Let us hope he makes a double hundred today.

Not for New Zealand, but for Jesse, and all of us who like to see him feast on an attack.

That one was.

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Mar 26 2009
indians, kiwis

Jesse provides solid base (sorry)

3 for 23.

A batsman who wasn’t good enough to be in the same post code as the ball, but was given out anyway.

A classy looking batsman who never make any runs doing his thing.

And a ginger bloke playing what can only be described as a “get it away from me” fend off his face.

It wasn’t pretty.

The commentators kept saying it was a flat deck.

Even after each wicket.

Then Jesse came out, and he has a way of making all wickets look flat, I apologise for that pun.

But he does.

And while Ross Taylor was flailing around like ice addict at a racist police officer.

Jesse was just class.

He puts away bad balls, he looks cool doing it, he should be on t shirts.

Jesse, and Ross, got a bit of help with a keeper without match practice, Dravid’s continued wideness and slowness at slip, and Yuvraj looking cool and catching nothing, New Zealand is now well and truly in this game.

There is also no doubt that India look lost without Dhoni.

Taylor did spend some time looking great at the crease, then he got to 99 and had a Michael Slater/ Greg Blewett/KP/Sachin type brain fuck.

How He didn’t go out, or run Jesse out in the 3 or 4 overs it took is beyond me.

India’s day can be traced through two moments, Yuvraj coming on and getting smashed, yet, still almost getting Taylor, and Munaf Patel’s primal scream as Jesse guided one through the near vacant slips cordon.

But the common denominator with New Zealand looking good and India looking bad is our boy Jesse.

He can even make God look bad.

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Mar 18 2009
kiwis

jesse

We shouldn’t overlook Daniel Vettori’s hundred.

But we are.

Because Jesse was fucking great.

Forget about everything that led up to it.

I know that is hard, but forget it was 6 for 60, and just fast forward to the last few runs.

Iain O’Blogger is batting with Jesse, and for a rubbish batsman, he did very well to get Jesse towards his hundred.

Then at the start of a Bhajji over, whith Jesse on 98, IOB does something so stupid it would have to be seen to be believed.

He came down the track to and. Fuck it, just read what he said,

“I did about the dumbest thing I’ve ever done on a cricket filed, and I’ve done some dumb things. I walked past one from Harbhajan, my foot got stuck and I couldn’t make it back to my crease. Embarrassing; yes. I was trying to get to the pitch of the ball and push a single, get Jesse on strike and watch him score the last couple of runs he needed to tick over the ton. I felt so sick heading back to the changing room knowing that I had made such a bad mistake, I felt like throwing up”

It was ugly, and Jesse’s facial expression was priceless, infact it was better than that, it was the perfect look at anger at a friend who has done you wrong.

Then Chris Martin comes in, with 5 balls to face.

Usually that is 3 too many.

A normal batsman stuck at the other end would be beside himself.

Jesse laughed at every awkward play and miss Martin did.

He was actually pissing himself as the worst tail ender most of is have ever seen was looking like going out.

Even on the replay it was tense to watch, but Jesse, absolute legend of legend, just sat there and pissed himself.

The dude is a special kind of animal.

Most yougn batsmen would have been shitting actual bricks.

Not Jesse.

And when the over finally finished, Jesse got up the other end and smashed Sharma to bring up his ton.

For all our sakes I hope Jesse has a long and entertaining career.

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Mar 18 2009
kiwis, poms

What Hugh said about Jesse

“Yes it was a good hundred, but if the fat bastard laid off the fried chicken a double cheeseburgers he could have made a triple hundred.”

Hugh Morris


Ok he didn’t say that.

But since Samit Fatel has been dropped, Jesse has been in top form.

He beat India on his own in a one dayer.

And then guiding his side from 6/60 to 270odd with your maiden ton.

All this done with a spare tire around his waist, and a spare spare tire around his ass.

Yet if Jesse was in England, chances are he wouldn’t be playing now.

Test average over 50 for the big boned mofo.

Probably for the best he is a kiwi, as black is slimming.

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Mar 14 2009
kiwis

the adams apple vs the bulge

Ishant Sharma is one hell of a talent.

The height, the pace, the movement and the physical abnormity.

It’s all there.

And he knows it.

Nothing wrong with confidence, but Sharma seems to have an inflated theory of where he is right now.

Right now he is still more than hittable.

One day, that may not be the case.

Jesse Ryder on the over hand is just over inflated.

Few would doubt his talent, but his commitment, and dietary habits have been questioned.

More than thrice.

But the dude is just down to earth.

He has an amazing calmness about him.

These two personalities met at Eden Park.

The prince of fast bowling and the fat dude who can bat.

It was an interesting show down.

Sharma was sledging Jesse even after Jesse had put him into the stands.

The rage from Sharma seemed to be over someone having the audacity to treat him that way, and the fact that Jesse seemed to shrug his shoulders while asking Sharma what his problem was didn’t seem to ease the tension.

My nan had a theory that anytime sportsmen got really fired up (Sharma was fuming) it was over a woman, you’d have to doubt these two fight over the same women.

Sharma to Jesse provided 32 runs off 18 balls, one dropped catch, before Jesse eventually played on.

It was street fight out on the pitch, Sharma throwing it all at Jesse, and Jesse putting most of it to, or over, the rope.

Sharma just didn’t seem to be able to handle it.

It reeked of class difference, the level headed working class kid who knew his stuff, up against the rich kid who couldn’t believe anyone was treating him way.

It was like an after school special teen film about cricket.

Except good to watch.

And this was a dead one day game.

Can’t wait to see Sharma flying in to Jesse in a live test match.



Remember to support the balls in the Ashes charity match spectacular.

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