Tagged with jesse ryder …

May 09 2011
23 Comments
general balls

What cricketer would you turn gay for, pick carefully

I put up a link to Ant Sims’ new blog about Chris Gayle on twitter and @mediagag said that he would totally turn gay for Chris Gayle.

I wouldn’t, but I get it.

So here is my guide for what players you should turn gay for depending on what kind of sex you’re looking for.

Brendan Nash – If you’re looking for a doting partner who will always cuddle with you, Nash is your man.  Will do everything he needs to do to make sure you are happy.  He’s not stylish or that sexy, but he’s a good bloke.  The second hand Volvo of Gay sex.

Shahid Afridi – rough sex in the back of a taxi, random encounters in parks and lewd relations in shady hotels, he offers it all.  If you’re looking for no commitment and short sharp burst, Afiridi is your man.  May leave you unsatisfied at times, but that’s part of the fun.  Is most probably a selfish top.

Peter Borren – do you like to feel intimidated by your partner?  Some men would need to tie you up and put ball gags in your mouth to make you feel subservient to them, with Borren, it’s just one look.  Ofcourse, not perfect for introducing to your parents, as he will scare them to death.

Sachin Tendulkar – Who doesn’t want to fuck the most famous man in cricket.  I can’t imagine that in life Sachin does anything badly, so that should mean that in bed he’s a cracker at the sexy sexing.  Bonus points for fucking a living God.

Doug Bollinger – Not everyone wants a thinking man, some want one who is all about actions.  Douggie is perfect for this.  If you can rate someone in bed by the way they dance, Douggie is hilarious in bed.  He’s a man’s man, he’ll try all day, he’s willing to fix his appearance and he’ll make you laugh.  Like a pet that is house trained that you can legally fuck.

Jesse Ryder – cricket’s most eligible bear.  If you’re a cub looking for a big strong man to place it in your gaps, Jesse has to be the man you want.

JP Duminy – Perhaps the opposite of a bear, he’s a twink.  Having still not completely come to terms with his game, so now is the perfect time to become his sugar daddy and take care of him.  Buy him a car, show him how to face the short ball and watch how he performs for you.

Salman Butt – fuck him.  Hard.

Ajantha Mendis – looking for something a little different, freaky, and mysterious.  Mendis’ fingers have it all.  Although, once you’ve worked out all his little tricks, you can always move on to Randiv or Herath.

And ladies, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, if you’re a lady looking to go gay, may I suggest…

Claire Taylor – Probably the biggest catch in world cricket if you’re a woman looking to turn.  She is perfect in every single situation.  You could claim that she isn’t the most stylish, but her results speak for themselves.  Taylor will think herself through every situation, which bodes well for the boudoir.

Mithali Raj – If you’re not as worried about performance, but just want the best looking woman on your arm as you enter the clubs, Mithali is that.  Her cover drive is so sexy that if the entire world watched it together it would create a tsunami of sex juice that would kill us all.  Probably more interested in looking good than being good, but that’s why you turned for her in the first place.

Personally, I turned gay for a pull shot from Matthew Elliott against Allan Donald, alas, the pull shot didn’t have any feelings for me.  So I decided I’d have to become straight.

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Feb 01 2011
2 Comments
general balls

Uncovered headlines for twitter cricket stories

It seems that Jesse Ryder showing his distaste for being run out is a story in the Kiwi press.

I can understand, it’s always big news when a batsmen is upset at being run out and tells people.

But twitter has so much more to give.  There are so many stories out there that deserve hours of press coverage, people looking over them with a fine tooth comb.

These are tweets from the last few days that should be made into stories.

Scott Styris marathon sex innings (tweeted by @NickyStyris)

@ well my man weighs 170lbs and our sessions last longer than an hour so what are you talking about?

David Warner and Brett Geeves cock scandal (tweeted by @Davidwarner31)

@brettygeevs don’t know what kids would b following u but remember what u said to hughy that’s right, lucky u were not playing, cock

Shield cricketers weaken Australian cricket with stupid tweets (@cphilipson27)

@13dsmith extra time migaloo

Stuart Broad loves shit films (tweeted by @stuartbroad8)

Just watched RocknRolla. Love that film. What happened to the sequel?! They even promise it at the end.

Flintoff’s sexual relationship with Ravi (tweeted by @flintoff11)

life isn’t the same without him ! By Ravi we love you http://yfrog.com/gy67cslj

What a weekend we had together nobody can take away the memories !http://yfrog.com/gz4omfj

Who will I watch dvd’s with now ! I miss you Ravi http://yfrog.com/gye24ej

The last Ravi picture and my favourite , sweet dreams little fella , missing you already ! http://yfrog.com/h4s0fej

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Jan 29 2010
kiwis

Let us heal Jesse

When Jesse Ryder first injured his groin I made jokes about it. And now I feel the same urge.

But his groin, as magnificent as a groin can be, is no laughing matter.

Jesse has been out of cricket so long that I can’t even remember his smile.

To be exact that is 10,713,600 seconds, or 124 days.  I know this because of my Jesse Ryder calendar in my room.

You might think that 124 days is not a long time, but in Jesse time, this is years.

We don’t know how much Jesse we will get, he is not the Michael Hussey type of level headed sensibly attired well groomed individual.

Tomorrow he could get drunk and strangle the flight of the conchord boys.

He could get run over crossing the road at 2am for his buckets of chicken

A nurse could fall in love with him and convince him to farm potatoes.

So we need him back playing cricket.

This groin that has already hidden him from us for 124 days is now ruining tours that haven’t even happened yet.

No Jesse for the Australia and Bangladesh tours, and now not even the smoothly manicured hands of Lalit Modi can get Jesse fit for the IPL.

It looks like this groin will continue being the bane of my existence.

But, if you are a kiwi, maybe there is something you can do.

If you are walking down the street and you see Jesse, don’t just bow down worshipping at his impressive alter, go up to him and offer to massage his groin.

If nothing else, the offer will make him feel better.

Come on, kiwis, get your hands on Jesse’s groin, and let us heal it with the power of love.

In fact, even those of you who can’t get to Jesse can help, put his groin in your prayers/thoughts/dreams.

We need to work together people, a global cyber healing hand for Jesse, and his groin.

Touch him, like he has touched us.

Get better soon, big fella.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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Jun 11 2009
world twenty20

a godless tournament

The Cricket Gods hate us, all of us.

Roy goes home.

Dirk goes home.

Sehwag goes home.

And now Jesse has an infected groin.

Tell me there isn’t at least one player on this list you love to watch.

Someone who makes you want to tell that special someone that you have a headache just to watch them play.

Look who has replaced them.

Cameron White, Fresh Air, Dinesh Kartik and Aaron Redmond.

Come on.

Give us something.

I like Cam, and I think Dinish looked in sparkling for in the IPL, but look at the names we are missing.

Seems like someone is pissing on this tournament.

I mean Aaron Redmond.

Give me a break.

I fell asleep once thinking of him batting.

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Jun 10 2009
kiwis, world twenty20

Jesse’s Groin is New Zealand cricket

Hard-hitting New Zealand cricketer Jesse Ryder has been admitted to a London hospital after injuring his groin in a Magic Johnson style sex romp.

Concern over his groin muscle injury continues to escalate as Jesse refuses to stop bedding Women at Julio Iglesias numbers, as he believes that having multiple partners actually improves his footwork. 

Ryder was unavailable to play in New Zealand’s one-run loss to South Africa, as the groin was massively inflamed after he met two cute red heads in his hotel bar.

Shortly after the match team manager Steve Hustle said Ryder, who was able to play in the tournament opener against Scotland despite the injury, had been taken to a nearby hospital, and that only male Nurses were allowed to treat Jesse.

“Jesse is continuing to suffer serious inflammation in the groin area along with general wear and tear from a high work load and has been admitted to hospital overnight for enforced abstinence,” Hustle said.

Rumours that Ross Taylor’s lower back/hamstring injury is related to Jesse being on heat seem unfounded, but the two are rarely separated.

Jesse has always been known as a sexual tyrannosaurus, but in the past it has never affected his cricket.

Hustle said “Jesse still believes he can play, but we have never seen a groin that inflamed, not even in the days of Richard Hadlee or Jeff Crowe, and we want to be sure Jesse is ok before we let him continue with his cricket and his extra curricular activities.”

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Jun 03 2009
kiwis

seeing jesse

Tonight I saw Jesse in the flesh for the first time.

And what wonderful flesh it was.

Sure he only lasted half an over, but even watching Jesse at the non strikers end was a delight.

He doesn’t just lean on the bat, he slouches in a provocative 1930s femme fatale type of way.

And while other batsmen walk out like nervously, or over-ambitiously, Jesse walks out like he is on the way to the pub.

He might have failed, but he can never truly fail in my eyes.

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May 11 2009
IPL

a night out

Imagine you are a cricket cult figure/leader.

In your (recent) past you were a bit of a bad boy.

You haven’t touched the booze in over a hundred days.

Now you are offered a contract to play for cricket team owned by an alcohol merchant.

When you get to South Africa, you and the other players enter fantasia, and quickly you realise this isn’t a professional cricket tournament, it’s an entertainment package.

You find it hard to fire up for the games.

The truth is you couldn’t give a fuck about your performances.

And one night you get bored in your hotel, you and your mate have just watched Bill & Ted for the 5th time.

You decide to go out and take in the sights.

Somehow you end up in a bar.

The drinks flow, you partake in a few, and before long you’re having a great time.

Perhaps with your 100 day absence from the beverages, you get a little drunker than you remember, and others have to help you home.

Even though it’s a slow night out for you, it makes the news.

But really, when it comes to Jesse, would we want it any other way?

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Apr 17 2009
IPL

The Ultimate IPL Guide: Bangalore Royals

Reporting this tournament in any sort of conventional style would be pretending this is a sporting event.

It’s not. Its an entertainment juggernaut.

It doesn’t matter who wins or loses, but who entertains you.

Here is a run down of the players who can be relied upon for some sort of pleasure.

Bangalore

Still look like a librarian, but more one you’d like to do learn the dewy decimal system from.

Porn Star: KP

The man they all wanted. Won’t be there long, has a shocking 2020 record, but will have every camera and microphone pointed at him. Captaining, because that worked so well for him last time.

Pole Dancer: Jesse Ryder

An absolute bargain buy, but could end up as the go to guy for Bangalore with his hitting, occasional wobblers, and general presence, Bangalore might just jump on the big fella’s back and ride him towards the finals.

The boy next door: Virat Kohli

Probably the poorest looking Indian line up in the league. Kohli stands out, is still young, but looks like a freak with the bat.

Model: Rahul Dravid

Made a lot of runs last time, but not at a great rate. Is just not suited to this format, and is here because he is a legend of Indian cricket, not because he is a great 2020 player.

Home Made/Amateur: Roelof van der Merwe.

Smashing Australia at the moment. Handy spinner and ADD like hitter.

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Apr 07 2009
general balls

Myths & Facts from India’s jaunt to New Zealand

Sportsfreak takes a look through the series.

So the Indians will be boarding their jumbo about now, and for the final piece of excitement will be undergoing a take-off into a Wellington gale. Their fans will be cleaning their whiteboards in preparation for more normal use, and the rest of us look back on our brief time in the same playground as the big boys.

Obviously, there was going to be a lot of hype surrounding this tour; after all the test batting line-up boasted something like 107 test centuries before the series started, and constantly added to that over the last 3 weeks.

And we got to see first hand the likes of Tendulkar and Dravid for the last time, and Dhoni and Ishant for the first time, and were able to notice the difference in attitude and swagger between the two.

So we look at some of the theories that were floated before and during the series and see if they are fact or some hybrid of Indian Myth and Lord of the Rings special effects.

Tests in NZ in April do not work
Myth actually.

People will point to the fact that the April test ended with rain, but that only kicked in with 3 hours left in the match; that’s not bad for New Zealand. April, comparatively, is reasonably reliable.

And the tests were certainly less affected than the ODIs in February/ March.

Light was clearly an issue after the daylight saving change, but that was more of a management issue.

Dhoni is an attacking captain
Well some of his bowling changes are inspirational, and no more so than bringing Tendulkar on during the last day at the Basin.

But that declaration in the same test can always be held up as the perfect example that he can be as cautious as a shell-shocked Ponting.

He lets Harbhajan talk him into defensive field placings too.

Ryder is too fat for test cricket
Ha ha. Myth. A big fat myth too Adam.

He does have a weakness against top quality spin early on, but he’ll sort that out soon.

Yuvraj is rubbish outside of the Sub-continent
Absolute fact.

He was miserable here, apart from a couple of meagre cameos with the pressure off.

And remember this was on placid pitches against an ordinary attack.

Ishant Sharma is the Real Deal and the Final Product
Not yet he’s not. Despite what last year promised.

He had one good spell in Hamilton, and then roughed up Vettori at the Basin.

But in between times he looked more sulky than anything else. He perfected the act of hiding in the outfield in Napier when things got tricky, and he certainly didn’t seem to take to the Wellington wind.

Totally outplayed by the underrated Zaheer all series.

McCullum isn’t the batsman he was a year ago
Myth.

That was probably his most consistent series as a test batsman. A shocking dismissal in the first innings in Hamilton was followed by composed knocks afterwards. His maturity in batting with O’Brien in the second innings of that match was class, and he held his head well in Napier.

At the Basin he got stuck with O’Brien again, and was sawn off in the second innings. Will probably be tried at #6 in the near future, which is about the only spot in the order where he has not been used yet.

Superb keeping too.

Taylor needs time to adjust from ODIs to tests.
Fact. Fact. Fact. Contrast the push across the line on the first morning in Hamilton with the 2nd innings resistance at the Basin.

Imagine what he could do in a 5 test series.

Harbhajan is a wind-up artist
True. And a very good one at that.

He didn’t get under the skin of the New Zealanders like he did with the Australians last year, but he sure wound the commentators up.

Note how he does well in the questionable umpiring decision stakes too. Not a coincidence.

Sehwag plays all forms of the game in exactly the same way
Myth. He bats for longer in T20s and ODIs.

Vettori is not the test bowler he used to be
Fact. And a pretty old fact at that.

If you want proof, get a video of him bowling on the 4th morning in the Basin, and then watch Tendulkar bowl 24 hours later.

It’s toe-curling stuff, and it’s even worse to hear certain radio commentators air the myth that he is a world-class spinner.

The World will miss Tendulkar
Fact.

Sad but true.

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Apr 03 2009
general balls

The 5 most important, sexy, turnstile turningist cricketers on the planet

Ages ago i started a 5 most important cricketer series.

But by the time i was half way through i already disagreed with my selections.

This one is not so much about the future of cricket, but about the here and now.

These are the guys that are leading cricket right now, forget about old men like Ponting and Tendulkar, these are the men.


Mitchell Johnson

Bats like bowling all rounders are supposed to; bowls like left armers almost never do; and has gone from a run leaking vanity project to the most explosive player on earth in one year. I’m not sure how.

Three players on the planet can make test hundreds and bowl at over 90 miles per hour. The other two are older, slower, and injury proner. Is Australia’s most important player by so far no one can work out who is the second most important.

When Dennis Lillee said he was a once in a generation player, did he mean as an all rounder?

Jesse Ryder

Prince Brendan McCullum may get the big IPL bucks, he might have the body art, and be the marquee player for New Zealand, but Jesse is the marquee.

Jesse is 6 tests into a career and is already carving India’s ‘way better than average’ bowling attack. Likes making runs under pressure, takes the odd wicket and seems to inspire his team mates. It’s too early to put him on this list, and yet here he is.

Keep him out of the pub and New Zealand have a messiah.

Virender Sehwag

Considered a novelty act for a great deal of his career, but only by troglodytes. Sehwag was the real deal even when internal politics kept him out of the Indian side.
Since returning in Perth, Sehwag has started to damage bowling attacks with a special brand of religious intent (Sehwagology). The problem with getting him out is that you still have to go through the best batting line up in cricket, the problem with not getting him out is he can make 300 at better than a run a ball.

There is no test batsman who can win a game, or produce a bowlers mental breakdown, quicker than this man.

Kevin Pietersen

No matter where you stand on KP, complete wanker or batting stylist par excellence, fewer cricketers are more engaging on or off the field. The world’s highest paid cricketer (we don’t count Freddie, you don’t get paid for being injured) is still the prize wicket of the English team, and is box office in every way.

Australia will know that if they can keep him quiet in the ashes, on the field (no one can keep him quiet off it), they will go along way to winning. He is 45% of the reason Lalit Modi wanted English players in the IPL.

Cricket’s David Beckham, and I mean that as a compliment and a slur.

Dale Steyn

Probably not the fastest bowler on the planet, but no one takes wickets at a quicker rate. Wrestles crocodiles in his spare time, and often has a weird shadow on his top lip.
Does seem to be very hit and miss, but is still young enough to get away with it. When he takes wickets, they seem to come in large bags and he looks on top of the world, for a great deal of the rest of the time he looks flat and bored.

Not the prettiest boy in the band, but the only one who can really sing.

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