After I wrote it, I went and listened to Simon Katich’s 20 minute press conference.

Katich speaks far more eloquently than he ever batted.  However, like his batting, it’s the counter attacking that is what’s best about this.

When he says, “I know how they operate” that’s a dig at Cricket Australia being cowardly, opportunistic and slimey, but he doesn’t call them any of that.  It’s subtle, but far better than any of his awkward nudges to the legside.

Then he says that Sachin Tendulkar was written off a few years ago by one of our selectors.  Wow. Grag Chappell is now in hospital getting Katich’s foot removed from his ass.

There’s obviously more on the selectors, because he has just been dropped and he is clever and articulate enough to savage them quite well.  Because it’s on the selectors where this could come off as a what about me douchjuice, that he doesn’t is a work of art, 17 men squad, part timers and the spinning carousel make this a wonderful effort.   The way he spreads the love so it’s not just about him as a work of art.

You could imagine some players with Katich’s past coming out and stating that Michael Clarke was involved because of the old sing sing choke choke situation from a few years ago.  Katich could have used that, but no, he’d rather deflect that and let others think about it.

I don’t agree with everything he says, especially when it’s that Australian cricket selection has always been about performance at shield level.  That wasn’t the case for Steve Waugh, Ian Healy, Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath or Michael Clarke’s selection who were all picked on potential.

But that’s the good thing, you can disagree with his points and be of the opinion that he should have been dropped, but you can’t argue that he has exposed Cricket Australia’s lower points that they often pretend aren’t a problem.

King James Sutherland has already disagreed with some of this, but you can’t spin what Katich has said, because the people are on his side and in his press conference he didn’t make the mistakes that most players do.

People have called his comments angry, and they are, but this isn’t some rant, the man sounds calm and calculated, which is like how he batted, and all of this make his comments all the more trustworthy.

Cricket Australia have been cut open beautifully by Katich, which is ironic, but he never played a beautiful shot on the field.

Dropping one spinner for the exact same kind of spinner with less experience who is roughly the same age is ok.

Giving a coach with a sketchy, at best, record, is ok.

Publicly stating you have rested a player who publicly states he is dropped is ok.

Having your chairman of selectors say a player has local knowledge while showing he has no idea where he has come from is ok.

Letting a player who writes a largely ghost written twitter feed to apologise for his actions and not facing up to press conference is ok.

Keeping a selector who states he doesn’t watch overseas cricket on TV is fine.

Naming a spokesman for the selectors who is not the chairman is ok.

Letting your chairman of selectors slate the players while saying he did a good job is ok.

But going to a cricket function a few hours before you are due to play a boxing day test is a supreme error.

James Sutherland has never been my favourite guy, yet I’ve always assumed he has a few smarts up there. So when he has a go at players who made a mistake, when he and his team of moronic yes men are running around stepping on rakes, throwing cream pies at each other and making comedy noises, what a dick.

Nielsen has a 3 year deal, and the power to stop Hughes and Clarke from attending the event, and he didn’t make an error.

Cricket Australia has more hangers on in wanky blue tracksuits than Kim Jong Il, why didn’t any of these people demand that Clarke and Hughes miss that event?

It was the morning of boxing day, and it was just another error from Cricket Australia.

The same Cricket Australia that James Sutherland rules with a manicured thumb.

If Sutherland is a man of integrity, he should take the blame for Australia’s summer.

Sutherland has been in charge while crowds and interest went down in cricket. Even while Australia was by far the best side in world cricket. He was in charge while the team has been patched up by part time selectors who don’t watch enough cricket, and he was in charge of the worst home series on and off the field in over 20 years.

He is the error.

He is the person who should be accountable.

Not the one helping Hilditch sniping at the players.

Do Cricket Australia a favour, Mr Sutherland, step down after you’ve taken a few with you.

The Cricket Australia alternate reality is a nice place to live, but you can’t stay there forever.

Greg Chappell said this:

‘We didn’t plan for Mitch to struggle in Brisbane, but certainly we had made plans beforehand to leave him out of the second Test because we felt the conditions would have suited Peter Siddle, Ryan Harris and Doug Bollinger,”

That’s fine, but why make those plans so private that if he had a poor game he’d look he’d been dropped?

”Mitch was certainly out of sorts. It was always dependent of form, if he had brained them in Brisbane we would have given him consideration for Adelaide,”

If you weren’t out of form, and you took actual cricket wickets and made actual cricket runs we’d have picked you in Adelaide, but being that you did neither, we rested you.

“with five Tests in seven weeks we felt we needed to mix and match the attack to suit the conditions. It is a marathon.”

It’s such a marathon, that we decided to let you run a mini-marathon in Melbourne just days out from the test, because we’re crazy.

Oh, Greg, no wonder you’re every character from the Wizard of Oz.

James Sutherland obviously felt like he needed to step up as well.

When talking to SEN he said that Australia named their squad before the first test in 06/07 just as early as they did this time.

Oh, how nice, did you pick 17 players for that series as well, because you forgot to say that on SEN, and some ex footballer from the northern suburbs never asked you.

Sri Lanka has named a squad of 30 for the world cup.

Included are Arthur C Clarke, Roy Dias, Michael Ondaatje, S.W.R.D. Bandaranaike, Chaminda Vaas and some politician.

The president, who still looks way too much like Saddam Hussein said, “It doesn’t matter who is in the squad, I’ll pick 15 random cabinet ministers to play, and they’ll do the job I require.  We might win with a full strength team, but that won’t get me re-elected. Fuck Roy Dias.”

In other news, Johan Botha was physically abused in a bad way, so bad that the police said to Johan, show me on the doll where the bad spinner touched you.

Buy the cricket sadist quarterly so the editor can buy better booze.

The decision follows a breach of team rules and ICC regulations during an Ashes test match that Australia went on to lose.

CA Chief Executive Officer James Sutherland said Dennis Lillee and Rodney Marsh would be given life bans from playing cricket from Australia and would the ICC would be informed of this decision immediately.

Pending ICC approval, the players will be allowed to work in cricket, but their playing future is over.

Australia’s test against the English at Headingley in 1981 was the game where both men have now confirmed they did make a bet on England to win that game. Against all odds England came back to win after the follow on had been enforced. At the time the bet was seen as a harmless prank, but cricket has changed since then.

Mr Sutherland said the decision to suspend Lillee and Marsh was regrettable.

“The breach of team rules of itself was a major offence, but in the current circumstances we thought we needed to show World Cricket and the PCB that you have to take these issues seriously” Mr Sutherland said.

“I am disappointed in Dennis and Rod, but I am also disappointed for them after all the work they have done with Australian cricket’s support in the last 29 years – - and CA will be encouraging and supporting them in the future”.

The life ban decision was discussed by CA’s Board which met this evening prior to a scheduled full-day Board meeting in Melbourne tomorrow. A CA management recommendation to the board in turn followed a unanimous recommendation from the team’s leadership group.

Lillee and Marsh are keen to continue working in cricket but are obviously upset they will never play cricket for their country again.

In other news, the ECB have asked the great-granddaughter of WG Grace to Lord’s to answer questions on odd occurences from tests in the 1800s.

This was a press release given to cwb, and only cwb for some reason.  Perhaps that means it’s fake, who knows.

Like you, my career in Shield cricket was tragically shorter than I wanted.  While you got 4 games with the Vics, I played none at all.  This hurts me, so I can imagine that it hurts you too.  But you can deal with heartbreak in better ways than by destroying your old flame.

You’re obviously a modern man.  You’ve probably got a blackberry, an iphone, home and work laptops and a pedometer.  But that doesn’t mean that old things are shit and can be discarded.

James, you and I are not so different.  We both put pants on before leaving the home.  We both love cricket.  We’ve both watched Victoria win a Shield final.

That is where we differ, for me, the Shield Final is the pinnacle, a game of cricket as good as first class cricket can get.  Where two sides play off to prove their worth, the odds stacked in the favour of one side, buy giving 22 players a chance of proving that they are test worthy.

For you it is the wrapping around a Quarter Pounder.

The 2007/08 Final sucked balls for Victoria, but the selectors were watching.  Hughes and Siddle jumped older players, Bryce’s performance put him down the list, Beau Casson got test out of it and Simon Katich proved his rebirth was not some fluke. It was a cracking game of cricket, NSWales at near full strength, Victoria proving they were a hell of a side.  It went 5 days, there was a result, Stuart MacGill told Nick Jewell to stop being a drama queen.

James, how could you deny anyone this?

The shield season is not exactly long at the moment; teams only play 10 games each.  It breaks down like this:

3 in October

8 in November

5 in December

2 in January

6 in February

6 in March

1 final in March

If you can play 6 matches at the start of March, you can play 6 at the end of October. Start the season a week earlier and you could have 8 matches in October and you can scrap the January games.  If you can play 8 in November, you can play 8 in February.  And surely you could fit in a boxing day game once a year, or the day after boxing day. Then it would be:

8 in October

8 in November

6 in December

8 in February

1 final March.

January, when most Australian cricket fans are really interested, becomes your 2020 month.  The rest of the season is for proper cricket.  And March is your final.  Having it at least two weeks earlier than it is now.  No first class cricket is lost, and most importantly, the final is still there.  If you think this is cramming cricket in a bit much, then jettison a few one dayers, have all teams play each other once, and play two sides in their region twice.  If that is even an issue, which I doubt.

The final doesn’t have to go, and neither do any games.  Australian domestic cricketers will play at least 30 days less than their English brethren, and that doesn’t need to change, it just needs to be re-jigged.

Forget being the modern man, the bitter man, or the cut price Australian Lalit man, and just try and do what is best for the game.  And if you think that is cutting the shield season, then perhaps it is you who is not best for the game, and you should trot off into the commercial world to re-brand some breakfast cereal.

Yours truly,

Jrod

One that only some slick suited cricket administracrat could have come up with.

I blame James Sutherland, but I blame James Sutherland for most things.

The filthy fucken phrase is Stakeholder (sometimes shareholder).

Just typing it makes me feel like i just fisted a banker.

It refers to you and me, players, administracrats, officials, and anyone who likes cricket from what i can tell.

But it shouldn’t, because it is fucken stupid.

Stakeholder, for those lucky enough to not know, means people with an interest in the game, in general it is a financial term, but thanks to the suits it has seeped its way into sports.

I am not a cricket stakeholder, I am a cricket fan, a cricket writer, a cricket blogger, a cricket sado-masochist.

So when Aaron Redmond, assisted by Neil Broom, was outed for getting drunk before a game then giving money away to Indians living on the street, he apologised to everyone for his actions.

Instead of saying I am sorry to the NZC, the blackcaps, and i don’t know, children who wear his number on their back, he just said stakeholders.

“We also wish to apologise to other stakeholders in the game including the fans for our inappropriate behaviour while on tour,”

And from that moment on it was pretty fucken obvious he hadn’t written the apology, rendering it invalid.

When you are contractually obliged to apologise, it doesn’t mean much, but then using a wanky phrase that has been written by someone else, what is the point.

Bloody James Sutherland.

It’s right behind you, it’s smiling, it’s wearing a suit, and it tears up contracts like you or I rub one out.

They call it a cricket official.

We call them Administracrats.

Billy Walsh calls them suits.

They are the fuckers who get off on power while making people with talent lick every last drop of sweat off their small tightly bunched testicles.

And Ricky Ponting and Tim Neilsen just got the worst news you can get in professional sport, an official defending them to the media.

It’s sport speak for, you guys better win or you are out on your asses.

The great machine has already started their next wave.

There is a private investigator going through Simon Katich’s trash as we speak.

James Sutherland has already promised to make the Australian cricket team Christian for Tom Moody.

Lawyers are already amending Clarke’s contract from FAC, to FACE.

Publicists are prepping old cricketers with pre prepared statements of how they always thought Katich would be better.

An editor is preparing footage of Ricky winning the toss and bowling, bringing on White & Hussey, and his stroppy jumps of disappointment in Perth as we speak.

That is how this works.

Ofcourse I could be reading too much into Mr Sutherland’s nice comments, and Tim’s sudden contract extension, and everything is fine.

Dandy even, no wins in 6 matches, and Tim gets more money, and Ricky gets CA’s number one douche bag in his corner.

It all makes perfect sense.

cricketwithballs

Surely a trained monkey (non racist monkey reference) with a crayon could make fewer errors.

But then they say something that makes me sit up and listen.

“Test cricket is what is being played, it is not tiddlywinks.”

Says head Cricket Australian Administracrat James “I was never much chop as a bowler” Sutherland.

Brilliant observation, tiddlywinks is an indoor game played with sets of small discs called “winks” lying on a surface, usually a flat mat. Players use a larger disc called a “squidger” to pop a wink into flight by pressing down on one side of the wink. The objective of the game is to cause the winks to land either on top of opponents’ winks, or ultimately inside a pot or cup.

The main point of difference I can see between cricket and Tiddlywinks is that it’s not played over 5 days.

The North American Tiddlywinks Association have hired slander experts to see if James Sutherland was attacking their great game by mentioning it in the same sentence as cricket.

However Rick(y) & Anil have played tiddlywinks before, it ended up in controversy at a hotel in Jamaica. Anil suggested Rick(y) had played an illegal flop womp move and accused him of not playing in the spirit of the winks. He demanded that the concierge come in and sort the mess out. Rick(y) got very defensive and suggested that his flop womp was not in question and smacked the concierge with a chair for questioning him about it, or any sneaky carnovsky plays from earlier in the game.

Hitting someone with a chair in Tiddlywinks is called a Boondock and gets you three squops.

A tremendous brouhaha ensued.

And for those who think I made up all these words and are questioning my integrity, visit Tiddlywinks wiki page if you don’t believe me.

Also, If you are questioning my integrity, then you should not be here, someone hand me a chair so I can smack you upside your head, you dirty integrity doubter.

I can see it now, James Sutherland and Malcolm Speed having an important meeting about marketing over a bucket of chicken, while a girl with braces, wipes up the floor underneath a woman with 4 chins and seven kids who is devouring a record number of fillers.

Must be heart breaking for Warney to find out that he kept playing he could have got free fried chicken when ever he wanted it, plus the phone numbers of a bunch of skanky milfs.

I wonder how Stuart MacGill goes taking a bottle of wolf blass into his local KFC.

What am I saying, where he lives they wouldn’t have KFC.

Langer must be upset though, with his 23 children he could have moved in to KFC and kept his family happy for life.

Hopefully someone feeds Sharma some chicken, that boy could do with a meal or two and some pubes.

This ban on the international cricket press agencies, wasn’t meant to exclude you.

You are white and Australian and ofcourse we wouldn’t have wanted to offend you.

Please talk about the cricket, because you are god and we are weak meaningless individuals who will one day rule the ICC.

You control America Mr Murdoch and therefore you rule the world.

It doesn’t even bother us about all the rumours of your son being gay.

We love you please talk about our little test series.

James Sutherland Cricket Australia Big Cheese.