Tagged with ICC …

Jul 28 2010
26 Comments
ICC

batting pitches are shit

Oh come on.

This is complete and utter bullshit.

Test cricket, kiddies, shouldn’t be played on pitches they only way you can get a wicket is by producing a knife.

8 wickets in 3 days?

Why even make test bowlers go through this?

Let’s get a bunch of inmates from a local prison, and make them bowl all day long so these soft batsmen can really score at a good rate.

And why bother with fielders?

Let’s just have cardboard cut outs.

Shit, we can make money off it too.  They don’t have to be human sized; we’ll have them as logos of various companies.

“Kumar smashes a four past Adidas at point.” Even Lalit could get behind test cricket then.

Because this isn’t test cricket.  As Dileep said on twitter, “If I wanted to see autopilot batting, I could play a video game.”

I’m not anti-batsmen, actually I am, the greedy little fuckers, taking every last run that is offered to them by cricket boards trying to get that amazing last day of cricket in.  Fuck them.  Bowlers are real cricketers, they don’t wear protection, they don’t get nightfuckenwatchmen, they just go out there and do the job.  The minute the pitch helps the screaming little nancy boy batsmen complain about the pitch.  It’s too fast, it’s too slow, it spins, it seams, the ball is swinging everywhere.

Shut up and bat.

That is job, save the pithy comments for the commentary box.

I hate you all.

Let’s even it up.  Make them try, you know, give them something to conquer, not giving them an escalator up a mountain and then congratulate them for fucking climbing it.

This isn’t a test for batsmen; it’s a free pass.

Look at the number of hundreds in this game, and I’m not just talking about the batsmen, I’m talking about the poor bowlers who have been viciously attacked for so called entertainment.

Entertainment is when Mahela, Kumar, Viru or Sachin make runs when the ball is doing something.  When they have to really bat, not go out and collect runs.

Instead of making stupid fucken mascot competitions, the ICC should start banning test venues for putting in pitches like this.

Actually start doing things.  You know, stop sitting around lazily in first class whinging about falling attendances, and get your hands dirty.

I know it is easier to send out a softly written memo asking cricket nations to prepare pitches that bowlers have a chance on, but if you banned a test venue for continually putting out rubbish batting decks, then you’d see cricket boards change the pitches.

A proactive decision or two could fix things, memos rarely do.

We all know that flat tracks are fawned over by Executives and CEOs the world over.  I am sure they have a day when they all meet up on the flattest pitch they can find and all masturbate all over it.  Ironically, their semen probably gives the pitch more life and the ICC have to warn it for being too bowler friendly in the future.

I forgot what I was talking about, in my head I just had the image of Giles Clarke masturbating while James Sutherland giggled in the background.

Batting pitches are shit.

Burn em.

If this didn’t make sense, hopefully this does.

Tagged ,
Jul 26 2010
38 Comments
general balls

Name that Mascot

The ICC need your help.

For the world cup they are doing what people do and having a mascot.

No one knows why, but someone did it once and it worked, so now everyone hires some  lithium addicted graphic designer to come up with a mascot that will be mocked or ignored.

This mascot is an elephant.  My mother in law owned an elephant once, it isn’t true, but that is what I tell the whities.

It isn’t the worst mascot ever, but by definition of being a mascot it sucks a fair chunk of ass.

But the whimsical elephant has no name.

And this is how you can help the ICC.

They want a name for the elephant.

According to the ICC, “The fans have been given a week, between July 20 to July 27, to submit their suggestions for the mascot’s name, the elephant, at mascot@icc-cricket.com“.

There are some things you need to know;

“ICC also said that the name should given keeping in mind the key characteristics of the mascot’s personality.

ICC has tried to imbibe morals of an ideal player into the mascot’s personality by stating that the mascot believes in hard work and is always learning to master the art of concentration.

ICC said the mascot is someone who is young and enthusiastic, and determined individual.

He is someone who thinks cricket is the most fun game in the world and loves playing street cricket. He worships his cricket heroes, their technique, skill and character and dreams of playing in the ICC Cricket World Cup, one day.”

So are you keeping all that in mind? Good.

Now let us try and name the elephant.

I think that only something completely inappropriate will work. Any attempts at naming this Elephant something that means something will just end up in tears, sometimes only inappropriateness is the right thing to do.

I think I get the ICC brief, they want something Asian and young, and I think I have the perfect name.

Slumdog Effigy.

It’s new, fun, plays street cricket, and is ready to be stolen from popular culture.  They couldn’t possibly knock it back.

They could do a whole cartoon around little slumdog effigy.

]Slumdog Effigy starts as a leper who is healed by Steve Waugh when he is given a MRF bat deal. From there he is asked to appear on Navjot Sidhu’s game show where he has to wrestle Ravi Ratnayake and two tigers while Rameez Raja interviews Shoaib Akhtar’s genital warts in the background.  This leads to him  signing a 50 million dollar promotional deal with Cherry Pepsi, meaning he gets invited to an informal lunch with Lalit Modi, while a TV in the background plays an Imran Khan stump speech mentioning him. Finally he gets to the world cup but he is really tired plays useless, but still gets signed up with a revamped ICL who use him as their mascot, meaning that  he gets interviewed by Tony Greig as Kapil Dev dances near by.

They sound track would be Mehrab Hossain jnr singing Ronan Keating’s you say it best when you say nothing at all.

If you can do better, send your ideas to mascot@icc-cricket.com by the 27th of July.

Tagged ,
Jun 30 2010
14 Comments
ICC

John Howard shown the door by the ICC

They say our ICC is dysfunctional, and it is. But today that dysfunction mixed with some over inflated self importance got rid of this vile mother fucker.

Yay for dysfunction.

Australia have already replaced John Howard in the squad with Stephen O’Keefe.

Tagged , ,
May 28 2010
5 Comments
bangladeshis

ICC to regulate Bangladesh

Being the well-connected internationally renowned blogger to the stars, I have some pull.

So when I watched Bangladesh win the toss and bowl I called my good personal friend Haroon Lorgat.

He answered straight away, as he always does, and we had a good chat about life, love, accountancy, twincest and cricket. He really is a wonderful man, and I’m sure you’d like him.

After the general chitchat we got to the reason I’d called him, Bangladesh winning the toss and bowling.

I told Haro that this should not be allowed to happen again. The ICC should regulate against it, set up a working committee, send out a press release and all that sort of important stuff.

Bangladesh don’t have seamers. You can’t put teams in without seamers. It makes no sense.

Shahadat Hossain is bowling at a pace that old ladies can walk past. Robiul Islam bowls at a pace that Craig McMillan would mock. And Rubel Hossain is the Lasith Malinga you get if all you have is spare change.

England is still not a team of superstars, but when it comes to pop gun attacks this was a broken water pistol. England can handle an attack from a broken water pistol.

Bangladesh was so bad that a friend of mine said watching Rubel Hossain bowling made him almost tear up, he felt like he was watching himself bowl in a test. When you are watching a test bowler and you feel a kinship with him that tells you so much. I also bet there were thousands of people watching who were thinking what I was, I reckon I could score at least 30 against this mob.

When Bangladesh send a side in, on average that team makes 430. It is a pointless act. All they are doing is prolonging their defeat. Making us watch a lopsided game for longer without giving us an interesting first day. They could have batted first been out before tea, got the game humming along.

This is the sort of stuff I told ol’ ICC Haro. He understood what I was going on about.

While he didn’t guarantee me it would be a new Law, he is definitely thinking about it. Hopefully they will name it after me.

I would have called Jamie Siddons directly, but by the look on his face he is too angry to listen to my reasoning. Plus, if he had anything to do with today’s decision, or even if he didn’t, he is probably looking for someone to punch.

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Mar 04 2010
23 Comments
ICC

John Howard for President

Picking John Howard for the top ICC job is genius.

You might not think that would be my opening line, but think about it, the Australians have picked the one man who is way more of a cunt than Lalit Modi.

Just finding that person is hard, but then convincing him to take the job takes a special effort.

To be a cricket administrator these days you need to be either dictated to by big business, adept of strangling people with red tape or just evil. The ICC should be ecstatic they have found a man who excels on all fronts.

I can’t think of a more devious flawed con-artist to take the job, but being that the president of the ICC has as much power as the person who runs your local Video store, this is a perfect job for John Howard.

Not that he won’t try and get his hands dirty.

Any of the possible outcomes are possible:

Howard takes over the ICC and sees that the BCCI is the one true power and thusly shoves his nose up their ass and becomes their puppet. He justifies this by saying “while cricket fans may think I am making the wrong decision, as far as the economic situation dictates at this present time there is simply no other option for myself on behalf of the International Cricket Council and that I now feel like I have solidified a strong strategic allegiance with the Board of Cricket Control in India. I am sure that when they sit down to meet they will take the best interests of the world wide game into their minds before they make any decisions based on what suits their own interests best.”

Howard decides that the IPL is the enemy and that it must be broken down so it does not massively destruct the game of cricket. He plans to attack the league on many fronts to divide and conquer, he even declares victory, but it is obvious that he has no real idea what he is talking about and the IPl continues to flourish. Lalit Modi does get fired as the commissioner and Howard then claims that it was his plan all along to make Lalit step down and he thinks that in this current state the IPL is a good for cricket.

Howard declares that Pakistan shall be kicked out of cricket. At first he declines to give reasons, but when asked, the ICC, on his behalf, claim that the whole Pakistani team is involved in match fixing. The media goes into a frenzy, some stating that Howard did the right thing, others staring at the flimsy evidence that is put forward by the ICC. Shortly after an ICC employee admits to faking the evidence and the ICC hires a new PR team.

On Howard’s first trip to Sri Lanka he has to give a speech to their cricket board and interested parties about his previous calls that he believes Murali is a chucker. The speech goes well with Howard humbly apologising, making jokes at his expense and admitting that he was not fully informed at the time of the comment. Most Sri Lankans take it well but Arjuna Ranatunga refuses to accept the apology and drills many hard hitting questions at Mr Howard which makes him sweat in the warm climate and he loosens his shirt collar only for a bullet proof vest to be visible underneath. This does not please the Sri Lankans much.

Howard stops wearing green tracksuits and starts wearing ICC issue pyjamas everywhere he goes.

Nothing changes because the position of the ICC president is the most unpowerful seat in cricket; even the gate attendant at McLean Park in Napier has more.

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Jan 26 2010
ICC

Vote John Howard

John Howard: Hello fellow cricket tragics. I’m John Howard, you may remember me from such jobs as, Prime Minister of Australia or as the lovable old guy who wears the Wallabies tracksuit who jumps up and down in front of a TV.

Today I appear before you, not as a politician or rugby fan, but as a lover of cricket. Someone who deeply loves the game and who would sleep with Sir Donald Bradman if he asked and wanted me too.

The ICC needs some help, and what better help could I give than myself. A man of culture, intellect and passion. Not a cricket tragic, but the prototype of the phrase.

You might think I don’t have the relevant cricket expertise to run the ICC; my right arm offspin was a crime against cricket, but over the years I’ve learnt some shit and won some contests.

I’ve made America feel like they are setting the agenda while I am cashing in. Might be handy for the Indians.

I fought an army of leftists with a fictional tale about children overboard. Lying about how good umpires are doing won’t be a trouble.

Somehow while the whole country openly mocked me I stayed in charge for ages. Giles Clarke and I will get on great.

Plus, like everyone, I hate Zimbabwe.

I must admit that over the years I might have annoyed some fellow cricket tragicians, but I no longer – as of 3 minutes ago – think Murali is a chucker.

Also I want to address the fact that I don’t like anyone who isn’t white, especially the Mohammedans. This is simply not true; I love Colin Powell. I have respect for all people, even the dodgy looking ones.

So please those of you as tragic in your cricket love as I am, vote me in.

Production Assistant: Actually, Mr Howard, cricket fans don’t need to vote you in, only the other countries cricket boards vote.

John Howard: Oh, I see. That is a shame, voters love me, the unwashed milieu are always on my side. Can we still edit what I said for each cricket board. We’ll just ad a new intro to tjuz it up a bit.

Howzit CSA, I will fight for your rights, ICC tournaments should be abolished as they bring you nothing but pain.

Salaam aleykum BCB & PCB, those Indians are on your side now, but when they turn on you, and they will, you need a warrior to fight for you, I’m your man.

Hello ECB, who was in the coalition of the willing with you, nuff said.

Ayubowan Sri Lanka , I really don’t think Murali is a chucker, honest.

Whaa gwaan WICB, you cats know how I do things; I hate the gays too.

Is that enough sonny?

Production Assistant: That should be fine.

John Howard: Thank fuck, I’m holding a piss that could drown a camel.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

Tagged ,
Jan 10 2010
ICC, saffas

administracrats fail, again

When a cricketer walks down the wicket slogging in a crucial game there is a chance that if he misses it he will be out of this game, and perhaps out of the next one.

Cricket, and all sport, is tough like that.

You can be selected on performance, and de-selected on performance.

Cricket Administracrats do not have to worry about this.

They can fuck up for years without fear of demotion.

Even if their error has something to do with their side losing.

Look at the latest fuck up, Imran Tahir, the luscious leggie who is so cool we refuse to bag his alice band.  Mostly.

South Africa lucked into this world-class leg spinner because the dude loves to travel and found himself a wife in their country.

In April 09 he said he was qualified to play for South Africa.

No one questioned it.

Before that he had played in a Presidents XI match against Australia, so he was clearly a chance of international honours.

Then almost a year later he is supposedly qualified and gets picked for a squad when South Africa really need an attacking bowler to help them win, but instead they can’t pick him because he is not yet a permanent resident.  Surely something some official should have known before calling him into the squad.

If South Africa trusted that he was qualified in April 09, why did no one check then on the off chance he might be required?

At best it makes CSA look like a bunch of idiots who have shown that they don’t believe in their spinner but have no other player to replace him. At worst this could cost South Africa the series against England.

There is more though, because it seems that Tahir just doesn’t understand the rules, he thinks that he qualifies because it is four years since he played for Pakistan A, and now is only missing out because of paperwork.

That is not how the system works, as the Times points out (and I have read up on this boring shit before), you need to have lived in the country you wish to represent for at least 180 nights a year for four years.  The times doesn’t think Tahir has, and I have my doubts too.

While these errors were also Tahir’s, someone at CSA should have checked all this out at least two years ago when he was obviously trying to qualify.

And this isn’t some one off. Azeem Rafiq cost Yorkshire points when the played him when he didn’t have a UK passport. Darren “Eyelids” Pattinson played a couple of seasons for Victoria before playing for England, but technically he should have played all his games for Victoria as an overseas player before that, just no one noticed.  Surrey also did a great one when for the 08 season they tried to get Shoaib in for the last four games so they wouldn’t get relegated, by no one checked Shoaib’s visa so he only ended up arriving for the last two games.

Not that it mattered.  He looked shit anyway.

All of these, and there are probably heaps more, have either cost teams or could have cost teams on the field.

I wonder how many people were demoted or fired over it?

Ofcourse the ICC are experts at this kind of fuck up.  How often does an umpire or match referee get refused entry in a country due to visa problems?

But we know that no one gets fired from the ICC, how else would you explain Daryl Harper.

Has anyone even checked if Brendan Nash is Jamaican?  Or did he just rock up with a Marley T-shirt and say I’m one of you, gimme a game?

Buy my book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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Jan 02 2010
ICC

ICC starts using technology for good

I hate to start your new year with a bummer, but I have been told a terrible piece of information, and how could I keep it from you?

The ICC has had enough of cricketers.  Especially the ones we like, the ones with human emotions.

They thought that the Probot craze of the mid 2000s would catch on, but with their prize probot struggling, M Hussey, they now know a more aggressive approach is needed.

Which is why over the last few years they have been introducing Japanese Humanoid Robots into international cricket.

They are easy to spot, but hard to distinguish from probot cricketers, or shit cunts.

So far, I am told, only a few teams have them, but I haven’t been given a list of players who are in fact Japanese Humanoid Robots.

Ofcourse it would be rude of me not to take a guess at a rough list.

Nathan Hauritz – explains a lot really.  Why Australia kept forcing him in the side and why they picked a finger spinner out of club cricket.

Grant Elliott – explains why he looks like a Hollywood c-lister and came from another country.

Brendan Nash – The real Brendan Nash is probably back packing around Peru talking up that 90 odd against Victoria in a shield final. The Robo-Nash has “Team Nash” behind him; obviously this is a fake ICC MacGuffin.

There could be others as well.

The ICC now has cricket where they want it, on flat tracks with high scores, their priority is playing 2020 tournaments every 9 months, and 2020 is a circus in and of itself.

You might think that the Japanese Humanoid Robots that I have outed are a bit rubbish, but the ICC are working on better ones.

These potential early prototypes are programmed to follow every rule, regulation and law to the letter, and spirit of the law. They will never get upset, have no run ins, every umpiring decision will be accepted and when interviewed will behave in a proper way not upsetting any ICC administracrat or sponsor.

The next step is to make them good at the cricket lark, so they don’t look so obvious. Before long the ICC will have them all bowling the carrom ball at 90 miles and hitting sixes with the bat handle up their asses.

No contention, aggression or subversion, just lovely Japanese Humanoid Robots entertaining us with family friendly entertainment.

I can’t wait.  I say fuck the humans, get the Japanese Humanoid Robots in now, the cricket might be poor for a while, but once these robo-cricketers get their groove on they are going to be so much better than human cricketers.

Before we do, we should make sure the ICC representatives are replaced with, oh, never mind.

My book, the t-shirts, or donate.

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Dec 18 2009
aussies, ICC, windies

FREE SULIEMAN BENN

This is the text I have used on the FREE SULIEMAN BENN petition.

Dear ICC,

Your decision to incarcerate Sulieman Benn is rubbish.

Rubbish.

Cricket is a game with passion; yesterday was a perfect example of it.  Had Benn thrown the ball at Haddin’s face and started smacking Johnson around the head, bans would have been justified, but what was he actually banned for.

An ugly accidental incident?

Benn bumped into Johnson by accident, Johnson pushed at Benn because someone had bumped into him, and Benn pushed back because someone was pushing him.

Was it heated, yes.

Was it unnecessary, perhaps.

Was it badly officiated, absolutely.

Was it a confrontation between passionate test cricketers who were in the heat of battle trying to win a game for the country, oh yes.

So why penalize anyone?

No one got hurt, no one instigated contact, no one ruined cricket’s precious little image.

If anything, incidents like this prove that professional cricketers are not robots, that winning matters to them. They aren’t just billboards waiting for a beer company to put another stamp on.

Benn is a fiery guy, which is why I like him, and in the future he will get suspended again for doing something wrong, but this is not the time.

This is a miscarriage of justice, and Benn must be freed.

If the ICC believes that someone must be banned for all this “ugliness”, they can ban Chris “spirit of cricket” Broad or Billy “lover, not a fighter” Bowden, I doubt there will be many tears for them.

FREE SULIEMAN BENN

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Dec 17 2009
aussies, ICC, windies

A forensic examination of a shove and a vow

When I read about Sulieman Benn, Brad Haddin and Mitchell Johnson getting into a shoving match I wet myself in at least two different ways.

Then I saw it.

The play by play.

Haddin hits a ball into the ball short on the leg side; Benn and Johnson get in a tangle. Not that it is hard to get tangled with Benn. They collided fairly naturally; Johnson tried to push him away, Benn seemed to grab him and tried to get his leg in his way, and eventually they unentwined and the run was completed.

Haddin got pissed that Benn was grabbing at Johnson; I doubt he would have seen Johnson’s push from his position. He then had a go at Benn, with a bit of bat waving nonsense thrown in.

Then Benn got angry, mostly about the bat waving, as Haddin and Gayle had a fairly unaggressive chat. Benn then kept abusing Haddin (who seemed bored of it and walked away) about the bat waving and kept calling him big man. From what I could hear I believe he said, “Watch yourself, big man, don’t fucken point your bat at me, man.” Gayle didn’t try to do much so Billy came over, eventually.

Then later when Benn was bowling to Haddin he hit one straight back to Benn who feigned that he was going to throw the ball at Haddin/thestumps, probably the equivalent of the bat waving. It was a terrible feign, and obvious he was not going to throw, so much so that you couldn’t even say he was going to throw it at Haddin, as he never really cocked his arm correctly. It was more a wild swing of the arms from a 2 year old.

That was the end of the over and Haddin walked down mouthing off to Benn (Benn could have been mouthing back but that angle wasn’t shown). Benn did a big like point at Haddin, but Johnson got in the way, and Benn’s arm struck Johnson ever so lightly, and Johnson tried to swat it away like someone had poured ice down his top and Benn slapped his arm away.

Then Billy finally got sort of involved and Benn left.

The history.

Haddin and Benn have history, last tour they kept chirping at each other, and at one stage Benn thrust out his leg to try and trip Haddin. Not sure if that had anything to do wit this, but they clearly don’t like each other.

Perhaps Neil Broom and Benn are friends?

In this tour Benn has been yapping non stop to the aussies, and the funniest moment had to be when Watson was marking his guard to start the last innings at Adelaide and Benn was craned over him talking and talking.

Haddin has also been chirping a lot when Benn has been into bat.

The verdict.

What a load of shit. It wasn’t a shoving match; it was an accidental tap and some heated words. Haddin probably rented a high horse he has no moral reason to get on, and Benn overreacted and then dragged it out until it was almost painful to watch.

Perhaps if the ICC want to clean cricket of any sort of human emotion Haddin and Benn should be given a level one fine for the bat waving, feigned throw and swearing, but it still seems pretty piss poor to me. I can’t see how Johnson can even be charged.

But what about Billy, he could have stopped this at any time. What the hell was he doing? First he stood behind the stumps as Benn got angrier and angrier, then he took way too long to get down to where Benn and Haddin were clearly going to meet. Will he get fined for failing to act, will he get warned that he needs to get involved in these things and try and diffuse them. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen Billy stand around and so nothing while teams are getting heated.

My vow.

If any player gets suspended, and from the original charges it seems only Benn can, I will start a petition to get him freed.

Cricket is a passionate game, people get fired up. Things are said, glares are exchanged, bats are waived, and fingers are pointed. That is all good. Passion is why we love this game.

We want to see players who are out there to win, not collect endorsements. Benn is a fiery bugger, and I love that about him. If the ICC wants to take people like him out of the game then they have to get by this site first.

There are no fingers pointed or bats waived in my Ashes book, but there should be.

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