The Australian’s never found a spot for him.

But in county cricket and Shield cricket he was the man.

People never really took him seriously though.

And these days most people wouldn’t even know where he is, or what he was doing.

I do, because he is the freak, and I saw him do things on a cricket field that no amount of cheap whiskey will ever erase from me.

Sort of like Jean Claude Van Damme.

http://services.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f8/1214128517

My Audio Engineer for the podcasts, Captain Purple, purposefully cut his eyebrowe like Van Damme’s when he was a child.

Hopes is Hopeless.

The way he constructed that innings on Tuesday night was useless. Yes he preserved his wicket, but he batted at 60% strike rate, when the run rate asked for 6-7 runs per over. The amount of balls he blocked was infuriating – whether he was trying to impress the test selectors, who knows, but it frustrated the $hit out of me.

This is a bold statement, which will no doubt come back to bite me and goes against the grain of CWB. But Shane Watson (the luckiest and most overrated Australian cricketer ever) is a better bet than Hopes – fit or not.

If UJ is comparing him to Harvey, his cricketing career will be snuffed very shortly.
Go away Hopes, go away.

Except no one wanted the freak to have an exceptionally small forehead, I’m assuming.

He can make quick runs in the middle order, even when all the other batsmen look frigid.

He can open the batting if required.

He can change a game with the ball.

He can bowl tight, or take wickets.

All this while looking like a Cro-Magnon man.

Sure he isn’t quite as flashy as the freak, but some may think that makes him more reliable, not me, but some.

He also doesn’t seem to smoke or drink like the freak, suck up to Warney like the freak, bowl 5 slower balls an over like the freak, or have a chubby little tummy like the freak.

Other things he needs to do to emulate the freak, take money off the Poms, South Africa and India whilst smoting their first class cricketers around.

Grow a nasty @ss mullet.

Not live up to his potential.

But there is one thing that I believe Hopes can do, and Harvey never quite did, invent a cricket shot.

In 7 years time the IPPCCL commentators will be saying, that was a lovely Hopes by Venkatapathi Raju Junior.

Just mark my words.

The freak made a 30 odd before getting out Chris Cairns and bowling the last over for less than the 23 runs required.

After winning the tournament for his team, he was also given player of the series honour for his 266 runs and 9 wickets.

The talent on show at this ICL tournament must be mind boggling if an ex international fringe player can stumble over there from his domestic cricket commitments in the evil empire and walk away with the player of the series award.

The tournament’s playing roster consists of over weight ex players, guys who were never any good, English wicketkeepers and Indians who can’t make a full time career in Bollywood.

It is clearly the way of the future.

The word around the camp fire is that the Kiwis are giving up international cricket and instead planning on just fielding a team in the ICL.

The ICL will be declining this request, they have no plans for a a second division just yet.

There was Ian Harvey.

You know how teenagers are. When they fall, they fall hard.

Ian “the freak” Harvey was the ultimate player to me, he was a danger when bowling, batting or fielding.

His batting was exciting, exhilarating and often frustrating. Reminds me of my $ex life with a crazy girl I used to lay with.

His bowling was like my first girlfriend, great line and length, a little boring to watch, btu she kept you interest with her variety.

His fielding was like another girl I knew once, she was great with either hand.

Anyway we have been separated for quite a time now, he ended the relationship when he went to play domestic cricket in the evil empire.

Over the years I’ve learnt to live without him, I’ve used Cameron White and James Hopes as surrogates.

But now he is back, and he is seeing other people.

The ICL “I’m too old or crap to play real cricket” is upon us.

Harvey is playing in it, for a Queenslander and a Nswelshman.

He made 60 off 40 in the last game (which was the first one I think.

I should be excited, but its like an ex seeing another dude, good for her and all that (c)rap, but I don’t really care what happens to her anymore.

I’ve moved on, I don’t need him in my life anymore.

Just like I have from Uma, when it was great, it was great, but now all i can do is look at old photographs and remember when I was young and stupid(er).

That day he took a Sri Lankan wicket and then broke down, so Taylor threw the ball to Ponting.

I remember being slightly confused by it all. Then Ponting took the wicket of Asanka Gurusinha (I think, I didn’t look it, let’s hope my memory holds true). At the time it was still a one off thing.

Even after that incident Steve Waugh would often take his arm out of mothballs to bowl at Melbourne, he average 25 with the ball there.

Ian Harvey would bowl 20 over spells at the G. No one would score off him, and he’d always get a couple of wickets.

Andrew Symonds seems to come on pretty much first change at the G, and his bowling average of 15, is a little better than his standard average.

Why do you think New Zealand are never allowed to play tests at the G, it has very little to do with the fact that they can’t fill it, its much more to do with the fact their team always has about 8 medium pacers in it.

I even thought this might have something to do with drop in pitches, but my father whose experience is far longer than mine, says the G has always helped medium pacers.

David Hookes knew it, the day he died Victoria had about 5 medium pacers playing for Victoria. They were the reason they won.

Just yesterday I was at the G, and future PM David Hussey was in complete control. Katich throws the ball to a couple of medium pacers, next thing you know Hussey and his silent partner Klinger are on their way back to the pavilion.

The amount of times, middle order batsmen who couldn’t get me out in the dark, bowl at the G and look like they are bowling hand grenades, is phenomenal.

There is something spooky about the G, it is one of the greatest coliseums in the world. Yet slow right arm junk does damage there, it’s sort of like a Catholic pencil neck geek conquering the lions in Rome. Or Kamran Akmal dating a Bollywood star.

Another conspiracy theory we have is about Hansie Cronje in a threesome with Princess Di and Tupac, but we’ve already mentioned that one.

Sure it’s in the who gives a f*ck ICL competition.

He is going to be starring for the Chennai Superstars (that name surely came from a focus group).

In a cruel twist of fate, he will be captained (probably) by a Queenslander named Law and coached by a New South Welshman named Bevan.

Ian Harvey, who was never used correctly for Australia, has been plying his trade in England and South Africa since, well, he got a bit too sh1t for Victoria.

Other old cricketers who need cash include.

Russel Arnold, Lance Klusenor, Craig McMillan, Inzy, Lara, Nathan Astle, Nicky Boje (surely he is playing for free), Ahzar Mahmood, Abdul Razzaq. I cant be f*cked typing any more just click here for the rest.

It’s a weird concept, lets get a pinch of retired greats, a bowlful of international spuds and two buckets of Indian fringe players and make a tournament.

You won’t find a bigger Ian Harvey fan than me, but I prefer to remember him at his best, not playing in some over the hill 2020 crap for the sake of making some benjamins.

Retired players are good for three things, sportsmen nights, provocative comments in the media and the odd tribute game.

Lets start with Hopes. Cause I really like him.

Hopes is pretty much Ian Harvey Mark 2. There is no doubt the boy can bat. Unfortunately he has batting add. He get’s so damn excited. It usually results in him going out in the oddest ways. Probably why I like him.

A couple of years ago I watched Hopes open for Australia A. I was pretty excited, as by this time Ian Harvey had left cricket (I have a signed and framed Ian Harvey Bushrangers top in my parents spare room). I think I had tears as I had a new Harvey.

Hopes played the oddest shot I have ever seen to get out. It looked like he was about to do the Zimbabwean scoop he moved to the off side and just when it looked like he was going to get down and scoop it, he instead he stood up and tried to play an on drive with his bat 4 foot away from his body and was clean bowled.

If that description makes no sense to you, don’t worry I saw it the actual shot he played and it makes no sense to me either. But it was fucken hilarious to watch.

He is a big hitter. With a great eye. At international level he is probably a handy 7 or a great number 8. He probably wont have a strike rate below 90. He may even invent a new shot, he is that talented and that crazy.

Bowling wise, he is almost a replica of Harvey. His slower balls probably aren’t of the same standard, but since Harvey was the king of slower balls, you can’t expect Hopes to be quite at that level. He can be very hard to hit, and like Harvey is probably just a little quicker than you think.

He is athletic, talented the only question mark is his concentration, but since he just made a hundred in Pakistan against there A side perhaps he has conquered that. Also that shows he is confident on the sub continent, which could come in handy in India.

Voges, I’ve only seen him make runs once. That particular innings happened to be the time he made a hundred of 62 balls against New South Wales. It was some of the best hitting I have ever seen. Bill Lawry was on oxygen afterwards.

He is a bit of a late bloomer. Like Hopes he hasn’t spent years belting around County bowlers. He averages 50 in first class cricket. So he can bat. Anyone who gets a batting gig in West Australia can rally bat. their batting order over the last few years was Michael Hussey, Chris Rogers, Justin Langer Damien Martyn, Marcus North, Adam Voges, Shaun Marsh and Adam Gilchrist.

Let me tell you, that’s a better batting line up than South Africa, Pakistan and New Zealand (combined maybe?). So for Voges to break into that line up and hold his own shows how talented he must be.

the hundred I saw him smash was in Sydney so I’m sure he hit some spinners all around the place, MacGill I think. He just captained Australia A in Pakistan and averaged about 44 in three one dayers.

He apparently has a pretty good cricket brain and his left arm orthodox, or chinamen (cric info says orthodox I thought it was chinamen) can be pretty handy as well.

Now I’ve written all that neither of them will probably get a game.

I think the Australia selectors need to put the screen around Shane Watson, go get the shotgun and put the boy out of his misery.

This has nothing to do with talent, or the fact he comes from Queensland. This is all about Australian cricket. There is no doubt that without the great workhorses of McGrath, Warne and Gillespie the Australian team needs an all rounder.

Andrew Symonds is a band-aid, I love the bloke, (he won us a world cup) but his bowling is no where near the standard of test cricket, and his batting is yet to live up to his amazing record in one day cricket. He simply is not a test match all rounder, he may still become a test match batsmen, but as a fifth bowler he is on the wrong side of Steve Waugh.

So this leaves us with two options. Keep playing Shane Watson, even though its clear his body is built out of Bruce Reid plywood, or bite the bullet and try the options in state cricket.

James Hopes is something. In the words of Bert Newton, I like the boy. I can already see what his problem is going to be, he’s a little too Ian Harvey. He bowls good enough to be a more than handy 5th bowler, and he bats well enough to be a really handy number 7 or a shit hot number 8. But Australia wants a number six or a fourth bowler, this isn’t South Africa after all.

His first class averages (bat 32, ball 36) aren’t really all that exciting, but he hasn’t gone to England to prop up his average like every other Australian hopeful has. He has earnt his averages in the toughest domestic competition in the world. And he has played in the best team in that comp, behind all rounders like Shane Watson and Andy Bichel.

I’m not saying playing him isn’t a risk, but he is probably 6 years younger than Symonds (I couldn’t be bothered looking it up) and is worth a shot. Hopes is in Pakistan at the moment, playing for Australia A, he is taking wickets and making hundreds (one hundred actually).
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Also in state cricket is Cameron White, the prodigal son. He will either be Australia’s next captain, or a big hitting batsman who never quite worked out how to get batsmen out. I am sure that if he lived in any other country in the world he would be playing test cricket already, and probably captaining half of them (and doing a better job).

To get into the Australian team you need to excel in one discipline, and Cameron White’s batting has him in the queue, but not at the front of it, His bowling is the real worry, when he first came onto the scene he was difficult to get away, bowled a great line and always chipped in with good wickets. Now his bowling seems to be stumbling down the wrong dark alley after midnight.

The last option is a left of field choice, but that’s why I like it. Throw in this Luke Butterworth chap from Tassie. Rick (Ricky) likes him (more than I can say about his relationship with White), he won a Sheffield pura cup shield on his own. He has the added bonus of actually being young.

He has only played 5 first class matches, but if I think back guys like Warne and McGrath were picked from obscurity and they seemed to turn out ok. If you don’t count the drugs, extra marital sex, and offcourse McGrath’s shit house hair cut.

Enough of these 32 year old proboters who have been bullying flaccid English attacks in their off season for years. Lets put a 23 year old with obvious talent who wins big games on his own, into the mother fucking side. Also it would be nice to have a Tasmanian in the Australian side again. Lets not pretend Rick (Ricky) is still a Tasmanian.