Tagged with ian chappell …

Feb 28 2012
9 Comments
aussies, indians

Ravi and Chappelli stuck in a lift: a CWB amateur theatre production

RS: Chappelli, it’s stuck my friend, jammed in tight, we’re going nowhere right now.

 

IC: I know, Ravi, but Australians don’t give up, if Les Favell taught me anything it’s to fight until the very end.

 

RS: It seems that the machine doesn’t always work in Australia after all.

 

IC: You know full well that it’s not about the machine, it’s about the individual people, and that’s what makes Australia great.

 

RS: Yet here we are, stuck in the elevator, and we may go down without all guns blazing.

 

IC: I have the utmost respect for Australian engineers to get the job done right, as long as the powers that be just let them get on with doing that job.

 

RS: Make no mistake about it; I hope you’re right.  If this were an Indian elevator getting stuck, you’d be claiming we were in third world conditions.

 

IC: India has changed a lot these days, Ravi.

 

RS: It’s just what the doctor ordered, but your old imperial chums don’t always see that.

 

IC: I have no chums.

 

RS: You hit the nail on the head there.

 

IC: Let’s just calm down a bit now, I’ve rung upstairs for assistance.

 

RS: One just gets the feeling that we may not be able to trust technology in all cases.

 

IC: Who paid you to say that?

 

RS: That sets the cat amongst the pigeons.

 

IC: Look, we need to get together, work hard, and achieve something here.

 

RS: We’re at a crucial stage; it’s touch and go.

 

IC: Holy shit, mate, I think the cable is breaking, we’re fucken screwed.

 

RS: Tracer bullet.

 

RS: Tracer bullet.

 

IC: Fuck.

 

RS: At the end of the day…

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Mar 21 2011
14 Comments
pakistanis

Shahid Afridi accuses Ian Chappell of causing Cancer

In a stunning outburst Shahid Afridi has announced to the world that he believes that Ian Chappell causes Cancer.

Afridi, speaking about how cool he is to a drooling press core, made a convincing argument connecting Chappell to Cancer.

“Cancer is a terrible affliction that has caused much heartbreak, and you cannot deny the link between cancer and Ian Chappell.  Before I’d ever heard of Cancer, I’d heard of Ian Chappell, and almost from that moment Cancer started affect those I knew.  There is much more proof out there and as journalists I’d suggest you go out and find it.  Ian Chappell must be stopped as it is the only way we can cure Cancer.”

The stunned journalists had few follow up questions for Afridi as most of them were googling ‘Cancer Chappelli’ for the rest of the presser.

Afridi also said, “When I raise my arms after a wicket the whole world is lifted.  It may not cure Chappell’s disgusting disease, but it gives them hope and love, and anyone who hates hope and love is surely a Cancer merchant”.

Earlier Afridi was asked about Kamran Akmal and whether his position in the Pakistan team was still safe, Afridi dismissed this by saying, “we don’t need a wicket keeper to win the world cup, we’re better than that”.

While the press core was still looking at their mobile devices, Afridi skipped away.

Cancer is a disease that affects the lives of many cricket fans, commentators and some players.  There is no known cure or medical research linking it to Ian Chappell.

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Dec 24 2010
13 Comments
ashes, aussies

twas the night before boxing day…

‘Twas the night before Boxing day, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a Strauss;

The bats were knocked in and oiled with care,

In hopes that Mark Nicholas would never be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of cover drives danced in their heads;

And Richie is his jacket, and Punter in his cap,

Had just settled down for a long summer’s nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

Punter sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window he flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

When, what to Punter’s squinty eyes should appear,

But an Ian Chappell, and a barrel of beer,

Chappelli’s mouth was so lively and quick,

“Open up you little dick”.

Then he yelled and the others came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Bill! now, Steve! now, Mark and Bob!

On, Kim! on Graham! on, Greg and AB!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now drink away! Drink away! drink away all!”

They drank so fast it was if they flew,

Laughing and abusing Mark Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, Punter heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As Punter drew in his head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Mark Nicholas came with a hound.

He was dressed all in trendy clothes from his head to his foot,

And his body hair had long since gone caput;

A bundle of baggage he had flung on his back,

And he looked like metro with a fresh shaved sack.

He was skinny and shady and hung like an elf,

And Punter laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

He let punter know he had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And started tweeting platitudes like a complete jerk,

And then Chappelli punched his nose,

And the others stood around him, trying to impose;

He sprang to his car, as the blood ran out,

And young pup cried like a small scout.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

“Happy Boxing day to all, I’ll captain Australia out of spite.”

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Jun 10 2009
world twenty20

Ian Bishop’s favourite cricketer plays volley ball

Ian Chappell doesn’t like it.

Harsha Bhogle is almost out of breath talking about it.

Ian Bishop refuses to say the last name of the guy who did it.

What do you think of Angelo Mathew/Mathews volleyball save?

I like it, not enough people slap cricket balls with their hands.


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May 28 2009
ashes

ashes fact 41

Ian Chappell has campaigned long and hard for the Ashes to be a contact sport.

He has talked to both Cricket Australia and the ECB about banning all “non essential” protective equipment for this series.

In his mind, only pads, gloves, and the box are essential, although he has said “real men should be able to take a ball to the nuts and shake it off”.

His perfect Ashes would include three head injuries, several broken bones, and, if at all possible, a crushed larynx.

He took up this cause after getting the original Australian cricket team, made up of mostly Aboriginals, honoured as the first team to represent Australia.

This is obvioulsy a far more noble pursuit.

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Nov 18 2008
Uncategorized

Ricky’s cocoon of self denial

This is mega funny.

Ricky is angry with the very men that have made him possible.

He is an angry never likes to lose captain.

Where do you think he got that from?

Run a line from Steve Waugh to Allan Border to Ian Chappell and there you have it.

But Ricky doesn’t see why they bagged him.

He is deep in the Australian cricket team cocoon.

The one that thinks dropping Symonds was the right thing to do, and the one that thinks that had Krejza played one week earlier he would not have been ready.

The truth is Ricky, no matter how much you and Tim tell us you did the right thing, we aren’t buying it.

As an aussie rules football fan you should know why.

How many footballers have been rubbed out in the grand final to win it, and not given a flying fuck about the first game next season.

Apparently Symonds has admitted to his wrongs, and that is a good thing.

Then why can’t Ponting admit he made a mistake here.

And while we are at it, why can’t the whole selection committee admit they should have picked Krejza a week earlier.

There is no point being angry at Border or Chappell, they both would have set themselves on fire to win a game for Australia.

You didn’t, and that is why they bagged you, so stopping being such a stroppy little prick and admit you made a mistake.

It’s not that hard, we have all made them Ricky, I once wore happy pants.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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May 04 2008
victorian bushrangers

Warne, ahoy hoy

Ian Chappell is pushing a familiar wagon.

Warne as captain.

Once Ian gets a woody over a girl, it doesn’t matter if she becomes a nun, the man still talks about it about what he thinks it would have been like to bonk her for the next 30 years.

It’s almost as if he doesn’t think repetition is annoying.

It’s almost as if he doesn’t think repetition is annoying.

It’s almost as if he doesn’t think repetition is annoying.

This is one of those occasions where he is right.

Warne would have been a captain and a half.

But did he have to bag all the other boring Victorian captains whilst doing so, our last 3 captains have been pretty adventurous and attacking, it was just the hundred years before that they were a bit boring.

I probably haven’t seen Warne captain as much as say someone from his home town of Hampshire has, but I have seen enough.

The first time I saw Warne captain was for Australia in a one day series against England and Sri Lanka.

The Australian team was good, but it still had some duds in it.

Brendan Julian, Shane Lee and Adam Dale to be exact.

Australia won ten of the eleven games in that series.

And Warne’s captaining was the reason.

The main thing about that series I remember was that when batsmen were hitting balls down to third man for easy singles, he would plug the gap with a 3rd or 4th slip, and let them role the dice, even if it was in the 47th over.

Also like Rajhastan now, he had them up and excited. They thought they could win every game, no matter what happened.

They were a cohesive well oiled machine, that played more like an Aussie rules team than a cricket team.

Then Steve Waugh came back, and he captained his way. Which, whilst being extremely effective in tests, wasn’t really suited to one day cricket, and Australia only won the 99 world cup because Warne, McGrath and Steve were too good when it mattered. The actual team performed terribly in that world cup.

For Victoria, the few times I saw him captain them, his tactics were impressive, but what was most impressive was the way he got players to lift for him.

Ian Harvey was a good player for Victoria, but when he played under Warne, he was Freakin Freddy Flintoff.

Darren berry seemed to only be able to bat when Warne was around.

And a bunch of journey state players stepped up under him time and time again.

The only downside I have noticed over the years is that Warne doesn’t bowl quite as well as captain, but Warne at 90% is usually enough.

What you are now seeing from the Victorian Royals is a combination of that.

Tactics that are baffling the opposition.

A mentality of we can win from anywhere.

The team playing like a footy team, hunting in a pack.

The younger players feeling inspired.

The older players feeling liberated.

And Warne at the helm telling everyone that he is the man.

If only he had kept his dick in his pants, like Keith Miller before him.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jan 29 2008
Uncategorized

Channel 9’s A team

…
Channel 9 suck, all Australian’s know this, Moses just mentioned it, Tony mentions it often, but in Australia we are stuck with them for a while longer.

So I thought we should rate their on air talent.

Bill Lawry – Rumours have be circulating around the traps for a while that Bill is on his way out. It’s not that he is losing form, its that he is in the exact same form he was when he signed his first Channel 9 contract. Would be unfair to lose his position when there are others around who are ordinary. Still gets excited, still speaks his mind, it’s just that we know what is going to come out.

B-

Tony Greig – Is still a pervert, but is not a pervert protected by Kerry Packer or his scientologist son. Continues to get cricketers names wrong. Continues to talk about broad shoulders and well built young men, and still the only commentator willing to say dirty things when pretty young ladies are shown. Invented crash helmets, the doosra and the Tony Greig shot (a lingering camera shot on a hot chick in revealing costume). Is not in particularly good form, but hard to remember a time when he was. Still hates Australia while making all his cash here. You have to respect that.

C

Richie Benaud – I am not worthy to rate the great man.

A+

Ian Chappell – You know before the year what you will get from him. He will say the SCG is his favourite ground. He will talk about Les Favell twelve times a test. He will say the opposition batting line up is wrong. He will complain about every captaining decision. He will try like fu©k not too swear. And he will name drop every important cricket name he can think of at all times. But he does actually have opinions and he does talk about cricket, so it’s hard to hate him.

B-

Ian Healy – The man was a champion cricketer. Which is lucky cause he is a horrible commentator. He can’t interview, he sits on the fence, he makes excuses for all cricketers mistakes and he has the on air personality of a fish that has been killed, scaled and regurgitated. Gets technical about a sport that is pretty damn simple. When on the cricket show giving a master class he is very good, but why not let him specialise in that. He is not up to commentating.

F

Mark Taylor – Can’t speak really that good. For a man that seemed so damn clever on the field, you would have to think he left all that intelligence out on the pitch. His only redeeming moments come in bagging Michael Slater, but that’s an easy target. He is lucky that Ian Healy is around, so he doesn’t look like a complete fool. He has ruined so many great cricket moments like McGrath’s hattrick, that he should be tried for heresy.

F

Mark Nicholas – The man who thinks everything is delightful, wonderful and exquisite. Only George Bush sucks up to Australians better than Mark. Everytime he spoke to Shane Warne Channel 9 had to replace Shane’s shoes for excessive semen damage. His latest escapade where he went over the top on Gilly for 3 days straight proves he is a sycophant and should be sent back to whatever pay tv network he came from.

D

Michael Slater – I always hated Slater, maybe it was all the failures in the 90’s, or his tattoo, his car or those Mrs Gilly rumours, but either way he got on my nerves as a player. As a commentator I don’t hate him. Compared with the other new breed, he is actually quite good. He bags himself well, doesn’t pretend to know anything about cricket and gets excited about buttering his toast. Sure he says 74 words when none will do, but he has a dumb guy honesty that seems to suit commentating. But that said, he is not in the 10 best commentators in Australia and should be shafted.

C

Simon O’Donnell and the Cricket Show – So’d is smug, and a tosser, but as long as he is shafted to the cricket show he is fairly harmless. After watching him on the races for long periods of times I know why he is only given a few moments at a time.

His show is out dated, stale and ©rap. They show filmed episodes that are boring and useless. Dan Cullen and Cullen Bailey get specials even though both of them are too sh1te to get regular selections for their state (the worst in the country) and yet Bryce McGain, Doug Bollinger and others who are an actual chance of playing for their country are hardly mentioned.

Either make it a cricket show like Inside Cricket on Foxtel, or make it a relevant clips show, and show specials on young cricketers who are performing at state level or just in the national side. Don’t give us the worst bits of both those ideas.

When the cricket show does try and tackle the big issues, they usually get round table discussions with Ian Healy, Mark Taylor and So’d. Does anyone really need that?

D-

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jan 28 2008
Uncategorized

Australia destroy India with Crushing Draw

…
Spectators at the Radelaide Oval said they had never seen such a brutal draw in all the tests they had visited.

India were confused at Australia playing for a draw, but they decided to go with it as they are comfortable with draws.

Ian Chappell was heard to say it was one of the best draws the great Les Burdett has cultivated in his time at the Radelaide Oval.

He said it reminded him of a first class game where the great Les Favell drew a game against Victoria.

Anil Kumble said he was happy with the spirit that Ganguly didn’t walk with.

Ponting was quite impressed with how Michael Clarke positioned himself at slip.

Gilly went out of his way not to mention Michael Slater in any press conference.

Sehwag didn’t say anything to the media in case he would get dropped for another few tests.

Matthew Hayden thanked jesus for Gilly, Mark Nicholas prostrated himself in front of Gilly like he was Jesus.

And Bill Lawry left quietly with something flapping in his suit case.

Ps, Shane Watson has been promoted to the role of wicketkeeper for Queensland for the rest of the year. Sime was heard to say,

“Lets be honest, he’s a surefire selection now.”

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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