Tagged with ian bell …

Jul 30 2009
ashes, poms

Bell is ready

Even if this test is abandoned under a biblical amount of water Ian Bell will have made his come back.

He has made it already.

He is wiser, more grown up, hungrier and ready to take the chance he has had only 46 times before.

It must be so, as many people in the media have said words to this effect.

Less than 6 months ago he was dropped, and he blamed it on the collapse of the 51.

In 2009 he has averaged 50 in first class cricket, with 2 hundreds in 11 games.

His average against Australia is 25.

The only country in world cricket he averages over 50 against is Pakistan.

On a pitch where Moores and Denly carted the Australians around, Bell failed twice.

17 batsmen have scored more first class runs than him in England this year; none of them have played more games.

So why is he ready now, when for 46 tests he teased at best?

Is he talented, fuck yeah.

But he was talented before he got the ass.

What in the 11 first class games and 2 hundreds has he learnt?

Has he had to overcome psychological hurdles?

Has he become at one with himself?

Has he run through a swamp on acid with a green smurf on his back?

Doubtful.

He seems to be going along at roughly the same rate he always has.

For some reason there is a propaganda war behind Bell, although not everyone is for him.

But it doesn’t add up.

I know one thing, the Aussies will be happy he is there.

And having seen Jonathon Trott bat of late, I am much happier he isn’t there.

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Jul 27 2009
ashes, aussies, poms

whipping boys (there is no sex in this post, sorry)

There is a chance that in Edgbaston Ian Bell & Shane Watson could both be playing.

Bell’s place was assured yesterday, as picking any other batsman would have taken intestinal fortitude.

Watson’s is not.

So far he has put his name down as understudy to Johnson, Haddin, Hughes, Hauritz and North, but Australia might just ignore him.

If he were to play the respective countries would be playing their favourite whipping boys.

Men of vast cricketing talent, but who have underperformed at the highest level.

Each man pisses off his fans for different reasons.

Bell just looks like a natural with the bat, but he has the fighting instinct of a Swiss Army general.

Were you to put him in a paper bag, there is no guarantee Bell would get his own way out.

When people see someone as talented as him not making the most of it, they get pissed, and Bell hasn’t to wear that.

On the other side is Watson, who hasn’t had an extended run to prove or otherwise his talent.

Players who get injured are easy targets, but Watson moves himself up the order with wacky press conferences where he says he can open the batting for Australia, that he has discovered Pilates and won’t get injured again, or my personal favourites where he has been working on a technical aspect of his game and just has to share it with the world.

People have heard more of Shane Watson than they have seen. And his greatest performances on the international stage were in a semi-domestic tournament.

He has been around so long that some people have even forgotten why they don’t like him.

For this game we should leave our old prejudices in the past. If these two play I think we should judge them on their performances in this game, and not take easy pot shots at them based on their past records.

I say this fully expecting Bell to make two 30 odds, and Shane Watson to struggle and/or get injured.

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Jul 25 2009
ashes, poms

Ring it

I have thought about all the available options for England’s replacement batsman.

Ramps, Trott, Key, Shah, Moore, Denly and Bell.

They all have their strengths and weaknesses, but I think Bell or Shah is whom the Australians will want to play.

Ramps & Key have experience and class.

Trott and Moore have recent form.

Denly has some serious talent.

Shah and Bell have bucket loads of talent.

But they also have psychological impediments.

And right now Australia would prefer to play against guys like that than guys with technical flaws or those on debut.

Australia is struggling to keep the pressure on in the field, Shah can bring that himself.

Australia need batsmen to give them their wicket, the dictionary has a picture of Ian Bell.

I expect Bell to be picked, but having seen a bit of Denly and Trott if I was selecting England’s team I’d go with them.

Surprisingly I am not one of England’s selectors.

Go figure.

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Jul 06 2009
ashes, poms

Australians Beware: The Bell is tolled

Lock up your mother. Buy your lady friend or life partner a blindfold. Lock your children in a room with a trendy games console. Pop your inflatable lover.

Ian Bell is back.

It is Australia’s worst fear, death by Bell.

After his monumental performances in the warm up game (a stunning 0 and a swashbuckling 20) he has been hauled back into the English test squad to wreak havoc with the minds of the bumbling Australians.

Phil Hughes was heard to say, “I was afraid of Harmy playing, but this is much worse”.

Australia has been preparing for a pace attack of Flintoff, Anderson, Broad and Sidebottom, but even Tim Neilson knows they are nothing compared to the Warwickshire Wacker.

“Ian Bell is like reverse swing, except he bats”.

Even Shane Warne has taken an uncharacteristic stance, “You can’t get Belly out, that is his secret. He goes out when he is good and ready, mostly between 20 and 40, but what if he ever decides to stay in. The Horror.”

Bell wont play in the first test, but that doesn’t matter, just the mere presence of the man is enough to get Australian cricketers jumping out of the team bus.

Australia are doomed.

If only Shane Watson was fit, he could save us all…

England’s 13 man squad for the first test:

Andrew Strauss (capt), James Anderson, Ian Bell, Ravi Bopara, Stuart Broad, Paul Collingwood, Alastair Cook, Andrew Flintoff, Graham Onions, Monty Panesar, Kevin Pietersen, Matt Prior, Graeme Swann

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May 12 2009
poms

Ravi & Onions dropped for Bell & Sidebottom

“Both Bell and Sidebottom have been in form in the early part of the season and have been a part of the England set-up in recent years. Ryan Sidebottom has recovered from surgery and reports that he is now bowling pain-free and like he did against New Zealand. The inclusion of Bell and Sidebottom in the team gives the selectors, the coach and the captain a sense of normalcy going into this game. Ravi and Graham are unlucky but it was always highly unlikely we would continue to experiment with unknown players when we had two proven performers back in form. Bell also bowled a few overs for Warwickshire last week, and that was enough to show us he is now an allrounder.”

Geoff Miller

 

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May 11 2009
general balls

the conversation

AF: Belly and the Bottom are back.

AS: What do you mean, back?

In the squad.

Fuck no.

I promise.

Don’t you have a say?

Apparently not as much as we had hoped?

Did you show Geoff the photo of him, the peanut butter and the Clydesdale?

Yep, still a no go.

They cannot be allowed to come in and sully this new set up, this must be remedied.

How?

We must kill them both.

Whoa, seems a bit over the top, doesn’t it.

OK fine, lets set fire to Bell’s house, and I don’t know, um, slice off one of the Bottom’s nut sack while he sleeps.

Now that is a plan.

No that wont work, you’re too honest, and I would never get my hands dirty.

Freddie isn’t doing anything, and he told me he would do anything to get back into the side.

Clever little man, that is why you’re the coach, and I’m the captain.

Now, what do we do about Vaughan?

Who?

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May 08 2009
poms

Ravi the third?

I saw Rav the Chavs hundred.

It showed many things that the other English aspiring number 3s don’t have.

There were no physical deformities like Owais Shah.

No complete throwing away of a solid platform Ian Bell style.

He missed no straight ones like the artist Michael Vaughan.

And he was actually playing test cricket unlike Robert Key.

In the short term, that should be enough, he will play one more test against the Windies, and has at least two guaranteed against the Aussies unless he has some sort of breakdown.

But is he a test number 3?

There aren’t many around, New Zealand are trying their junk yard dog Flynn, Amla looks the part at times, Sarwan seems to be made to bat at 3 but can’t always be assed to do so and Younis Khan did ok for South Australia.

The three blue chip players are Ricky, King Kumar, and Rahul.

They all have things in common like aura, ego, tight techniques and freakish batting skills and fierce determination.

Rahul Dravid will block for hours at a time just to protect his wicket.

Kumar has a real hatred of going out, up there with Glenn McGrath’s.

And Ponting just hates to lose.

It is too early for Ravi to put a stamp on the position like these men, and while he might not be in their league on pure batting skill, on determination to succeed he must be almost on a par and he doesn’t suffer from a low ego.

At this stage he looks like the most likely candidate, doesn’t mean he’ll succeed.

If he does fail. wont be for lack of trying.

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Apr 14 2009
ashes, county cricket, poms

England lose the ashes, in record time

Usually the Ashes cannot be lost until the tests have been played. England couldn’t wait.

They had three number 3 candidates, and were busting to try them against players born in Australia. Their scores were 12, 12 and 5.

A player by the name of Callum Thorp, who played about 15 or so games for Western Australia, took down Key and Vaughan.

Bell chose another, he went out to Mitchell Claydon, and sent many cricket journalists to the internet to see who the hell he is. Turns out another Australian playing on a British passport. God bless those relatives.

Thorp went to play in England with a first class average of over 50, for Durham he averages 22. By taking down Rob Key he might have ruined any chance that the likeable rotund batsman will have a future test career.

For Vaughan it is not so simple. People have been saying he needs to make a lot of runs for Yorkshire to be picked, but the first test squad against the Windies is probably going to be announced before he gets a chance to make any runs for Yorkshire.

This was his only chance to impress, but he has the added advantage of being Michael Vaughan, which impresses automatically.

Mitchell Claydon, born in New South Wales, has a bowling average of over 50 after 7 first class games, but his wicket of Bell will be enough to keep Bell in county cricket for the season unless injuries intervene.

Some would think that with these guys all failing to score any decent runs to Shield Second XI players, that they wouldn’t be a chance to play. Not so.

Not even the fact that Bell hasn’t made runs since American Pie jokes were tolerable, Key averaged 30 in county cricket last year, and Michael Vaughan’s test career turning into him making an art out of missing the straight ones is enough to stop these guys from still being the front runners for the empty number three slot.

Well not empty, Owais Shah still holds it. Owais Shah didn’t play in this game, (a combined MCC XI Vs last year’s champions Durham) and that was great for him. He would now be the favourite to bat number three against the Windies, and barring him running himself out or cramping up, should make runs against them and have the spot against Australia as well.

Although we should never discount the English selectors making a delightfully rash decision.

You might think Vaughan is a delightfully rash decision, but the truly delightfully rash decision would be Mark Ramprakash, the best number 3 in County cricket, scorer of one hundred hundreds, winner of dancing contests and many a middle aged woman’s heart.

If not him, then I am sure Darren Eyelids Pattinson could bat at three.

Remember to support the balls in the Ashes charity match spectacular.

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Mar 27 2009
pakistanis, poms

Kp wants to break free

“Oh man I have ants in my pants and I want to dance. I get got out of this hood, ya dig. The Moon is getting dark on me bro. The Windies is startin’ to creep me out man, I gotsta leave. My Soul has been destroyed”

KP

The man is on edge.

The Windies are a cold and dark place for someone who lost the capacitance and then played in a team that can’t win a game.

He wants out.

According to him he is, “ready to do a Robinho”.

So I looked it up, a ‘Robinho’, (named after Lucio Fulci’s favourite footballer) is when you take all your team mates out on a boat, and kill them systemically, but each murder must have an individual flair, before coming home and pretending you have never been to the windies.

People keep saying this is a horror winter for the English, but no deaths.

Kp understands that the people want actual blood, and he has been slighted enough to give them what they want.

The only question that remains is how he should kill each player?

I suggest a disembowelment of James Anderson with a rusty hook, and Ian Bell should be forced to watch any innings of his where he makes between 20 and 40 with razor blades within his grasp.

How shall KP kill the rest?

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Nov 17 2008
Uncategorized

Prior & Bell: a product review

The great Roy & HG often referred to opening partnerships like Law firms.

Their most famous one was Mott & Elliott, which before Matthew Mott started getting courted by the Kiwis was the only time he had ever been mentioned outside of a score card.

Now we have Prior & Bell, the phone company.

Unfortunately this is not a company you want for your country.

The wiring is all wrong.

Let’s start with Bell, like the late great Shane Watson, he is technically almost perfect.

The problem with the perfect system is when it needs to be flexible and adaptable, it cannot, and it is so fixed into the correct position, that any different position cannot be formed.

The owners of the technique know it cannot be adapted, but believe it’s absolute class will win the day, so far that has failed, and now people are even doubting this system ever had absolute class.

Prior is a being sold as a dynamic new player on the mobile front.

The record does not suggest that, his connection rate is infrequent, and when he does connect quickly, it drops out soon after.

The marketing men have done a good job of the selling, but the customer feedback is horrible. There is a chance that this product is just being aimed at the wrong market.

If it were rebranded, and moved into a niche, it may survive, but it does not have the reliability, or true dynamics to be a mobile carrier at the top of the market.

When you combine the two, you end up with 2 services that simply do not match each other, do not cover each others shortfall, and a terrible communications bundle.

Instead of highlighting each others strengths, they exacerbate the problem of the other system.

We are not saying they would not work well separately, we just think that you deserve better for your cash.

Why pay for fibre optics cables, and take two tin cans and a ratty piece of string.

It’s the users who get the raw end, the big company has so many failures in this market, they are afraid to ditch these new products, even though this is clearly another failure.

Interestingly there is another product the companya re working on that people are very excitred about, it’s a new internet system that the users could get excited about, its still experimental, but Steven Davies (in beta mode) has the techies purring.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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