IOB’s claim to play county cricket is over, thanks to the ECB.
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Tagged with iain o’brien …
Save IOB
So I wrote this at cricinfo, and IOB is still not saved. I’ve always assumed my fans are rabid revolutionaries that are just waiting for a cause to bite the ass of the establishment, maybe this is the cause.
There once was a cricketer more romantic than you, who decided to make his career by bowling into the wind. He had an extra “I” in his name for no reason, liked taking pictures of his own feet, and became Test cricket’s greatest blogger along the way.
He is Iain Edward O’Brien, enemy to ghostwriters, saviour of into-the-wind bowling and hero to those he tweets to. While most of us would never have noticed this hardworking Kiwi quick had he not talked about being called rude things by the Gabba crowd, we now know him, and we await his every tweet, blog and commentary stint with the hunger of Bon Jovi fans.
When he left international cricket to be with his wife, international cricket sobbed a big wet soppy tear at losing a true romantic.
Luckily for those who live in the British Isles, it was the cultural hotbed of Matlock that Iain chose to live in with his wife. This meant that while some cricket fans would miss out on him, British fans would get to see him up close and personal when he signed for Middlesex.
It is true that while playing for Middlesex, Iain spent most of his time with his butt in the air (not an Ijaz joke) with physios and doctors manipulating his injured posterior. When he was fit, he would pop in with a seven-wicket haul, but such is the class of this man that even injured he could keep county cricket fans happy with endless jokes about his injury.
Iain is truly a man of the cyber people and also the darling of Lord’s. Chatting to po-faced Middlesex fans for hours on end about the team they love, while looking resplendent in their pink colours. He even took to the microphone in between extensive rear-end medical work, working his magic for the BBC London, Five Live Sports Extra and Test Match Sofa.
You might be thinking, is there nothing this man can’t do?
Well, he can’t bat, and thanks to a scandalous group that also reside at Lord’s, he can no longer play county cricket for Middlesex. The ECB (or friends of Allen Stanford as some call them) has decided that even though Iain O’Brien has qualified as an English player through his romantic intentions, and that he could legally work for the ECB, he cannot play cricket in England.
I tried to contact a few other county players to see what they thought about Iain O’Brien’s case, but most of them were in South Africa. On holiday, I guess.
Thanks to the ECB’s wacky decision, Iain will probably have to play for some side in Matlock. You know what this means: Iain bouncing young villagers due to still being angry at the ECB. Is that what you want? Surely not.
In Ricky Ponting’s latest book he takes precious time out of talking about how the media abuse him, just to have a go at Iain O’Brien for an incident at the Adelaide Oval. I think you will agree with me that any man who annoys Ricky that much needs our support.
Let us help keep the most romantic cricketer in the world stay at Middlesex, join the Facebook group.
Facing Iain O’Brien
If you have ever thought, jeez that Jrod is a bastard, I’d love to see him black & blue, bleeding from the eyeball or crying in pain, here is your chance.
I have stupidly agreed to face Iain O’Brien for charity. The charity I have chosen is the Zimbabwe Aids trust. Which could be funny if I start pissing blood afterwards or I get hit in the balls.
The date is yet to be announced yet as we are waiting for the practice pitches at Lord’s to be ready for such an important event. I do know that equipment wise I will be wearing a helmet, box, thighpad, gloves and pads. Nothing more.
This will be carnage. I am not a terrible batsman, but neither am I any good.
The whole event will be filmed by the Test Match Sofa team, who will also commentate and laugh.
So if you donate you will actually get the extra pleasure of seeing me get hurt on your dime, how could you resist?
It’d be nice if you donated, it is a great charity and I think I will have earned your money.
Worried About A Friend
Written by The Skiver.
Kiwi cricketer Iain O’Brien has long been a friend of the Balls, and there are many good reasons why we like him.
There’s his contribution to the book., arguably the finest 300 words written by a former international cricketer in the whole tome.
There’s the fact that he’s one of the very few sportspeople to have grasped how social networking works. And the fact that he has an almost Gatting-esque appetite for curry. And the fact that he not only has one of the best blogs actually written by an athlete, but it promises to reveal what is inside his head and thereby proves the theory that, for quick bowlers, the answer can sometimes be ‘nothing for whole months at a time’.
It’s not even the romantic story of a man moving to England because he’s met an girl who lives here and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, even though we’re obviously suckers for that sort of thing around here.
No, it’s because he’s a genuinely nice guy and not a complete arse like some of the cricketers you meet – mentioning no names, of course.
And because we like him, we’re also a little bit worried about him. Because yesterday, he revealed that he was going house hunting. With Angus Fraser.
You wonder what the pair of them are up to. To put it bluntly, most married men are not brave enough to go house hunting without their wife in tow. Which can only mean a new business venture, or better, still, a tv series.
I can’t quite see them as the new Phil and Kirsty, but I’m convinced they’ve been lined up to replace these guys.
The Old Justin and Colin
You can just see it, can’t you. Fraser stamping his foot angrily if the carpet and wallpaper don’t match. O’Brien doing the grunt work he’s done throughout his cricket career, dragging himself up the stairs and into the draught. In fact, yes, I can see it happening right before my very eyes…
The New Justin and Colin
(Photoshop magic courtesy of the pocket genius that is Ceci)
Iain O’Brien is gone, but we shall never forget
I could have easily written a post saying how sad I was that IOB has given up test cricket, but I am too sad for words, so I have made an emotional photo essay instead.
IOB, thanks for the memories.
All photos were supplied by Iain O’Brien and can be seen here, you can also read his deep and meaningful thoughts here on his blog, for quick sharp thoughts his twitter is here, and buy a book that he wrote in.
Are you ready for your close up, Mr Vettori?
My book has no mention of the film Dirty Dancing.
In bed with Iain O’Brien
Thanks for the memories IOB.
You know the name, but barely. You’ve seen him on the telly, but never in real life.
Then he comes to your attention.
TheIOB
“Some Queensland fucktard just called me a fagot, is it the highlights in my hair? LOL. #testcricketershavefeelingstoo”
From that moment onwards you follow him, you want to know what he knows.
“Hey peeps, you should see my ass in these perfect jeans I bought. #testcricketerlookingsexyindenim”
Unfortunately the man tells him to tone it down.
NZC
“We don’t mind our players telling people about the day’s play, but we object to Iain’s descriptions of his ass #testcricketispure”
It doesn’t slow him down though; the man wants the world to know stuff.
TheIOB
“Got Ricky Ponting out today, he had a strop. Fuck him. #testcricketertemptingfate”
Sometimes he gives you a rare insight into what it is like to be a test cricketer. You can’t believe how much info he gives.
TheIOB
“I got locked out of the house again. #testcricketerisasillybilly”
You follow him from afar at first, keeping your distance, but he draws you in by giving you the juicy insights you crave.
TheIOB
“Yesterday Mitchell Johnson tried to take my head off, it is a shame, because he is way hot #testcricketermancrush”
Iain tries to tone down the raw sexuality, but you can still sense it. Every time you see his highlights bouncing into the wicket your orifices all open in sexual arousal.
TheIOB
“Look at this photo of my feet. #testcricketfetish”
People call him a journeyman and a medium paced plodder, but you see so much more.
THEIOB
“Am in the groove at the moment, I’m the Jon Bon Jovi of into the wind bowling #testcricketismusic
His pace is up, he is getting wickets, and now people are talking about him. You keep your lust to yourself though, you like that he is your dirty little secret, your chatty little fast medium bowling man.
TheIOB
“Am so lonely tonight, fucken Scotland, anyone want to chat? #testcricketereneedslove”
You try to ignore the tweet, but you are drawn to it. After an hour staring straight at it, you direct message Iain. It is the moment that your love affair starts. While it isn’t real sex, the passion, the force, the masculinity of the man sweeps you off your feet.
TheIOB
“Feeling better now, and I owe it all to my special fans #happiertestcricketer
Your cyber twitter sex is freaking awesome. He likes it rough too.
TheIOB
“Pull on my piercing, it is right below my nipples, I like it to hurt, like Sehwag hurt me in Hamilton. #odishurttoo”.
Your favourite moments are when he takes it slow, real slow.
TheIOB
“That is it, baby. Like how I batted against Sri Lanka with Dan, me and dan, slowly, slowly #sexytestflashbacks.”
While you should be in love with other more famous cricketers, flashier guys who win awards and IPL contracts, but it is Iain’s brand of medium fast swinging balls that make you go wild.
Then, just as you are ready to commit fully, he pulls the plug.
TheIOB
“I am no longer test cricket’s greatest cricket blogger, spending more time with the wife #rememberyourfirsttestblogger
You try not to cry, but the pain is too much. Test match blogging just lost its hero. You lost the hardest working cyber lover you have ever had.
TheIOB
“The Panthers take on the Sharks today, wish me luck #countycricket”
To read IOB’s literary debut, go here.
The IOB is leaving test cricket
Bow your heads people, we may never see a test cricketeting blogger of his ilk again.
Fly your flags at half mast today.
The highlights in his hair will never flow into the wind of test cricket again.
Well played IOB.
Kiwi bowlers should go on strike
Since getting a kiwi test bowler to write some of my book for me it has come to my attention how hard working they are as a species.
Mr O’Brien put in about three drafts of his chapter, which is probably more than I had for the book in total.
He was a busy writer, offering alterations, trying to get it the best he could, really putting in the full 100% percent and taking it one word at a time.
But I didn’t make him write the whole book.
That would have been rude.
He did his part, got it right, and then I let him rest.
That seems to be the problem with New Zealand’s top order, they let their bowlers shoot out Pakistan for under 300, and then a couple of hours later make the bowlers try and save the day.
Their opening batsmen don’t seem to be able to survive an over.
The rest of their batsmen seem to hope Ross Taylor will do the job.
Then Prince Brendon and Dictator Dan have to make as many runs as they can with tired bowlers.
Not fair.
Generally with New Zealand if you want to know what total they will make, you take their total at 4 wickets down, and triple it.
And it isn’t like their tail is like England’s (IE: better than their top order), their tail has the worst batsmen in world cricket (Martin), test cricket’s greatest blogger but shit batsman (IOB), and Daryl Tuffey.
Not a lot of fire power there.
In the old days they might have even declared at 8 wickets down.
These guys bowl, bat and blog, while their batsmen don’t even fucken bat.
Not good enough.
I suggest that all the Kiwi bowlers decide to not bat from here on in until their top order starts making runs. A simple, “fuck you guys, we’re tired”, will suffice. They’ll get the message after a while.
Obviously Dictator Dan doesn’t have to; we know he would go mental if one of his many jobs were taken away. He probably edits IOB’s blog at night as well.
But the rest of them just together and declare the innings shut at 7 wickets down. Force the batsmen to take the handle out of their asses and really try and use it.
the contributors
Sorry to harp on about my book, I’m not, but there was one thing I wanted to mention.
I was not the only author of it.
Yes I wrote most of it (75% original, 22% taken from online stuff I’d done) but the other 3% came from 4 contributors.
One was my wife Miriam. Those who have been reading here for a while will remember her work.
Then I had test cricket’s greatest blogger, Iain O’Brien, who wrote about a part of the Ashes series that meant something to him.
Also was Rob Smyth of the Guardian, who is the world’s expert on the last day at Adelaide in 06/07, so I got him to sum that up.
And last, but by no means least, was The Old Batsman, who delved into the English media and gave me some words on their Ashes involvement.
All these people added a touch of respectability to my crude ramblings.
Thank you all very much.
