Tagged with how players have sex …

Dec 06 2009
kiwis

In bed with Iain O’Brien

Thanks for the memories IOB.

You know the name, but barely.  You’ve seen him on the telly, but never in real life.

Then he comes to your attention.

TheIOB

“Some Queensland fucktard just called me a fagot, is it the highlights in my hair? LOL. #testcricketershavefeelingstoo”

From that moment onwards you follow him, you want to know what he knows.

“Hey peeps, you should see my ass in these perfect jeans I bought. #testcricketerlookingsexyindenim”

Unfortunately the man tells him to tone it down.

NZC

“We don’t mind our players telling people about the day’s play, but we object to Iain’s descriptions of his ass #testcricketispure”

It doesn’t slow him down though; the man wants the world to know stuff.

TheIOB

“Got Ricky Ponting out today, he had a strop. Fuck him. #testcricketertemptingfate”

Sometimes he gives you a rare insight into what it is like to be a test cricketer.  You can’t believe how much info he gives.

TheIOB

“I got locked out of the house again. #testcricketerisasillybilly”

You follow him from afar at first, keeping your distance, but he draws you in by giving you the juicy insights you crave.

TheIOB

“Yesterday Mitchell Johnson tried to take my head off, it is a shame, because he is way hot #testcricketermancrush”

Iain tries to tone down the raw sexuality, but you can still sense it. Every time you see his highlights bouncing into the wicket your orifices all open in sexual arousal.

TheIOB

“Look at this photo of my feet. #testcricketfetish”

People call him a journeyman and a medium paced plodder, but you see so much more.

THEIOB

“Am in the groove at the moment, I’m the Jon Bon Jovi of into the wind bowling #testcricketismusic

His pace is up, he is getting wickets, and now people are talking about him.  You keep your lust to yourself though, you like that he is your dirty little secret, your chatty little fast medium bowling man.

TheIOB

“Am so lonely tonight, fucken Scotland, anyone want to chat? #testcricketereneedslove”

You try to ignore the tweet, but you are drawn to it. After an hour staring straight at it, you direct message Iain. It is the moment that your love affair starts. While it isn’t real sex, the passion, the force, the masculinity of the man sweeps you off your feet.

TheIOB

“Feeling better now, and I owe it all to my special fans #happiertestcricketer

Your cyber twitter sex is freaking awesome.  He likes it rough too.

TheIOB

“Pull on my piercing, it is right below my nipples, I like it to hurt, like Sehwag hurt me in Hamilton. #odishurttoo”.

Your favourite moments are when he takes it slow, real slow.

TheIOB

“That is it, baby. Like how I batted against Sri Lanka with Dan, me and dan, slowly, slowly #sexytestflashbacks.”

While you should be in love with other more famous cricketers, flashier guys who win awards and IPL contracts, but it is Iain’s brand of medium fast swinging balls that make you go wild.

Then, just as you are ready to commit fully, he pulls the plug.

TheIOB

“I am no longer test cricket’s greatest cricket blogger, spending more time with the wife #rememberyourfirsttestblogger

You try not to cry, but the pain is too much. Test match blogging just lost its hero. You lost the hardest working cyber lover you have ever had.

TheIOB

“The Panthers take on the Sharks today, wish me luck #countycricket”

To read IOB’s literary debut, go here.

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Jul 22 2009
aussies

In bed with Mitchell Johnson

For others in the series go here.

For a little while now you have been hanging out with a young stud. He is well built in every way, very accommodating to your needs, and has a phenomenal success rate when it comes to getting you off.

There aren’t many lovers like him. Most of his ilk don’t last very long, you know a friend of yours had one like him once and hasn’t stopped talking about him since.

Mitchell is great, but he is not perfect. You have had better, but not much better, at this time and place he is far better than any other option you have.

During one particularly savage love making session he does something that he has never done before, and you melt.

He minds your magic spot, and you know if you can train him how to do this regularly you will never ever want to leave Mitchell.

So you tell him how he did it, and you show him how to continue to do it.

He doesn’t get it right very much, but when he does you are so damn orgasmic you hardly notice he only does it on the very rare occasion.

Eventually it is all you can think of and every time you and him are in action you ask for it, “Come on Mitchell, give me want I want big boy, I know you can do it”.

Sometimes he struggles, but you guide him, teach him, explain it to him, and he eventually gets it right.

Then you go on holiday together, it is your first really special holiday, and all you can think of is Mitchell and your magic spot.

The first few times he can’t do it, but he assures you he is just getting used to being on holiday and that he will come good.

You trust him, but you can’t help but give him some advice, being that lovely chap he is, he takes it. It doesn’t help him though. It just clouds his judgment.

Suddenly even his old loving making skills break down, now he is like a teenage boy with a hard on for the first time.

You see him falling apart, and you give him more and more advice, but the more you give him the worse he gets.

Now he is ejaculating before entry, and some of it goes in your eye.

But you remain calm. You know that at times he took you to places few have taken you to before, so you stay by him.

It isn’t easy. And you now stop giving him advice altogether, not because you don’t want to see him at his best, but because when you do he can no longer get an erection.

When you stop talking to him he does seem to get a little better, now all you need to do is learn to shut up and hope he comes good.

Tagged ,
Apr 01 2009
general balls

In bed with Shahid Afridi

Yes this post contains satirical penetration and other sex stuff. Not for kids, honest catholic priests or politicians courting the religious right vote. Part of the ‘in bed with‘ series.

It’s been a big night. Drinks, drugs, making out with casual strangers, but all night I’ve had eye contact with a cool looking motherfucker in the corner. Eventually he makes his way over to me, he doesn’t say anything he just grabs my hand and takes me outside into a cab.

The cab starts moving the minute I get in it and so does he, I’m naked straight away. There isn’t a part of my body that he isn’t pleasuring, and all at once. Fuck. Oh my god he is eating me out and licking my nipple at the same time. Is that possible how many people are in the car. Oh my. Is that a ferret? Praise be to… This has to be like 4 people, fucken hell that must be a vibrator, is the cab driver joining in. where am I, wow. Oh my, that is amazing, oh I’m cumming, seriously that is a ferret. Every orifice is full, how can that even be? Is that a frozen banana being held by a monkey? OW, ohhhh, cumming again. Oh and again. Shitting hell. That is a midget in the corner with a video camera? Oh that’s good, oh really good, oh who cares what is going on this is the best fuck I have ever….

And he’s gone.

Midway through an orgasm.

Prick.

The taxi has all the signs of sexual carnage in it you could imagine. The driver is gone, and I look out the window, I am only around the block from the club.

Is that right?

I would have sworn we had gone for much longer.

I think that was great, I’m just not sure what happened, or what to do with the rest of the night.

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Nov 20 2008
general balls

In bed with MS Dhoni

Long time readers may well acquainted with the In bed with… series. If not, feel free to browse other titles in the collection. Jacques Kallis, Monty, Mike Hussey, Daniel Vettori, and Shane Watson.

But remember these are adults only, as children should be shielded from sex at all costs, because it is not a natural part of life.

You hear about him before you see him, he doesn’t have much of a reputation, but there is a buzz about him.

But then after a drunken night you find yourself in a closet with him, and while he doesn’t move the way you would like, he gets the job done.

The quickies are fun with him, and you decide he could be a keeper.

So you set about planning a long term relationship with him, but he doesn’t perform for you at all, at times he has trouble even getting erect.

You figure the long term serious stuff is not his thing, so you break it off.

Occasionally you text a young guy, and there are still the odd rendezvous with your favourite classy old man.

But there is something about MS, maybe it’s the hair, and you can’t discard him so easily.

You have fun with him, and more than often he gets you off, you can’t really argue with that.

He keeps calling and calling, and eventually you fall for him again, this time it’s by his terms, and then you’re in an ongoing casual thing with him.

With him in charge it all goes great, but you still think you may want more, but he has nothing of it, and even though not everything runs smoothly, you trust his judgement.

Then your relationship goes back to the quickie mode, usually you’d be disappointed with the frivolous nature, but you are besotted by him now.

Usually you’d need two other beaus at once to feel this excited, but you haven’t returned the calls of Partiv in ages, and Anil can no longer get you there.

You have decided Dhoni is going to be your guy, but the constant speed gets to him, he needs a break.

It cuts you deep, and you doubt whether he is going to be there in the long run.

You continue seeing the older gentleman and even the younger guy, even though you know it isn’t the same.

Dhoni gets jealous by this and comes back out of the woodwork, now he seems fit and hungry, and he is even willing to do things with you that you cannot believe.

At first these strange erotic things worry you, but in his soft hands you feel secure.

However now he seems calmer and more mature, might be the new hair, and you let him be in charge anyway he wants to.

When you first feel that silk scarf around your neck, ever tightening, you start to panic, but he puts you at ease, and by the end, you and him fall deeper in love.

You know he is the man for you, your heart skips a beat every time he waddles in your direction.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jul 14 2008
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monty fails to satisfy in a very long session

For the record I think Monty can bowl.

I just don’t think he is a shit hot test match bowler, or the saviour of spin bowling in test cricket.

He should not be an automatic selection, and his record on raging turners outside of Old Trafford should be looked at very closely.

Plus he bores me.

There is a certain person who was less than pleased with my In bed with Monty post.

Lets call them anonymous, as that is what they call themselves.

I do believe Monty is a fair to good bowler, but if England really want to be a test match force I am not convinced he is “the one”.

When he took 4 wickets the other day, our friend anonymous had this to say,

It’s been a few weeks since you left Monty for “the other man”, the one who now sits in your living room playing his computer games and eating burgers, things that you once found ‘cute’ now seem juvenile and annoying. Deep down you know the idea of this young exotic man was always more appealing than the reality. You saw Monty out last night. You stood akwardly and exchanged pleasantries before a young, blonde South African woman ran up and took Monty away by the arm, laughing and stroking his beard. People used to say Monty could only pull when conditions suited, when everyone at a bar was suitably drunk and impaired. You always knew that wasnt the case but as you look around the room and see four women sitting with Monty you realise that now everyone else seems to be ‘getting it’.

I said this,

I think the people in that bar were well more drunk than you give them credit for. Those 4 South Africans had been working on a big deal that went sour and were all looking at a troubling weekend. They started doing shots of red bull and goats piss and Monty just got lucky, again.

Now I will say this,

60 overs on the 4th and 5th day, no wickets.

If he is the saviour, he didn’t think this game was worth saving.

The worst thing is he bowled well.

You know what they say though, wickets talk and bullshit walks.

I may be the first person to ever say that.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jul 04 2008
general balls

In bed with Daniel Vettori

He comes home to your tastefully furnished apartment (filled with books and art), with a bunch of flowers, and spends a few minutes telling you about his day and politely enquiring about yours.

You’d play a game of Scrabble, he’d finish the Sudoku you struggled with earlier. You’d share a bottle of wine. After dinner he’d wash up.

Then you’d both read; you’d pick up “A Suitable Boy” and linger especially on the political bits, whilst he reads “A Brief History of Time” (original unabridged version, borrowed from Stuart MacGill).

You’d listen to music. You’d put on Hayden string quartets, he’d remove the cd and put in Arensky piano trios.

In preparation, you’ve put on his favourite outfit: a pencil skirt, white shirt, pearls, little cardigan, high heels, hair piled up on your head, glasses even though you don’t need them.

Then, he’d perform a Haka in front of you. You’d say for the millionth time “Daniel, for the love of God, can’t we just have sex already” and he’d say “yes, but why the hell should rugby get all the NZ sporting glory?”.

When he’d finished the Haka, he’d take off your hairclip with one hand and your glasses with another, allowing your hair to cascade down over your shoulders, and would say “Why, I never realised you were so beautiful!”. You’d then say your line “And I never knew you were so …. manly”.

Finally, you get down to it.

He has a habit of sticking out his tongue, but in a cute way, not in a horrid way like that Aussie spinner you once encountered. He mixes delicacy and strength, and is particularly skilled with his fingers, but he’s really good with the wood too. Genuine all-round ability. He’d tell you that he loves how you love him for his mind, whilst you gaze at his body.

However, there is trouble in paradise.

For a quickie, he’s fine. In fact, he’s one of the best. But for a satisfyingly drawn-out session, with plenty of time spent at the crease, you can forget it, because he’s only able to manage it once. He’s only EVER able to manage it once.

You’d have one really exciting go with him, it would look like you were on the way to a second, but any attempt at prolonging the action so as to get a result would cause a hopelessly limp collapse.

To get you through the night, you dream about the day that he swore repeatedly in public, and make a note to press the blue “keep” button on your Skyplus for the highlights of the 4th ODI. That gets him worked up like nothing else, even better than the specialist stuff you downloaded from the internet.

The next Friday night, the girls come over for Chardonnay, romcoms, chocolate and facepacks, and you get talking about your men. They all say how much they envy you, how your husband is the hottest, how they love the geek chic, how he’s so CUTE and CLEVER and FUNNY and SENSITIVE.

You laugh and smile, and raise your glass with them. After they’ve gone, though, you listen to “I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me”, unlock your secret bedside table drawer and think of Shane Bond.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jun 28 2008
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In bed with Monty

You’re walking through the supermarket.

Picking up your loaf of white bread a dark figure bumps into you.

He knocks your basket to the ground and quickly picks it up for you.

You can’t help but look in his basket.

He has all sort’s of foods in there, foods you can’t believe, foods you have never dared to try.

He’s different.

He’s not like anyone you’ve dated before.

He is exotic, mysterious, and in your mind capable of taking you to places you’ve never been to.

But you have a boyfriend, and although he is no Mr Excitement and has no mystery or exoticness at all, but he has given you support and helped you in times of need.

You flirt with Monty and even take his number, but you leave him at the supermarket and go home and have safe and boring sex with your boyfriend, if he’s not too tired.

Monty is never far from your thoughts, and one day, when your boyfriend tells the same boring story it just clicks, he is never going to change.

You need excitement, You need mystery, You need Monty.

Monty comes over, he is punctual, polite and pleasant. Not the most brilliant conversationalist, but that’s not why he’s there.

You egg him on, you talk him up, you stroke his ego so much he performs exactly as you believe he would.

He performs to his maximum, but alot of that is all the ego stroking you provide.

The sex is better than you have had in a long time, and right in that moment it is bliss. He puts it in the right areas and in your mind it is the best sex you’ve had, even better than those few times with the drunken poet ten years ago.

In bed Monty is a considerate lover, although not always brilliant with his hands.

He looks after your needs, he is patient, and on his day he can be quite exceptional.

The problem is that he’s extremely noisy all the time, so much so that you find it hard to tell when he’s reached his goal and when he’s just making noise. And when he does get there, he celebrates like no man you’ve ever known.

Slowly the novelty of his exotic nature starts to wear off, and you realised he is just another boring boy friend.

Sure he was caring, and your mum liked him, but he didn’t light your fire.

You are in a rut, you have no reason to leave him, but he just isn’t the man you thought he was.

You think rationally about the situation, he does the job I require, and he is a nice guy, I really should be happy to have found him.

Then one day you meet a really exotic young chap from Yorkshire and…

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jun 08 2008
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In bed with Shane Watson

Caution: Satirical sex in blog, lock up your Mormons.

You would see Shane sitting at the bar.

He is the hottest man you have ever seen.

You make eye contact several times, but he doesn’t make any move, so you go over and tell him straight out “Now Keith Miller is dead, you are the sexiest man alive, do you want to go home with me”.

Shane has a mildly confused look on his face, but he jumps in a taxi with you, you try to kiss him on the way home, but he seems uncomfortable in his new environment.

Once home, you push him straight into your bedroom and strip him naked.

Just for a moment you stop and admire his amazingly toned physique.

You have never seen a fella this perfect.

But as you go to touch him something happens that you can’t explain, he does a Pele.

You are the pinnacle of womanly goodness, and most other men aspire to please you, but Shane wont salute.

He goes away that night, and you think, he is perfection, I am sure of it.

I am not willing to give up that easily, I can’t have misjudged him.

Over the next few years you call him up at random times, sometimes it does it’s job, but only briefly and never quite the way you wanted.

On the phone he often talks a good game, but that never lasts under the heat of battle.

Finally you decide to cut him loose, he will forever be a perfect specimen to look at, but that is all, you cannon spend any more time flogging a dead horse.

You continue to see other men, Jimmy Hopes is the pick, he may not be perfect to look at, but what he lacks in looks he makes up for in effort.

Jimmy more than satisfies you, even if it’s not in all facets of your life, like you believe Shane could.

But Jimmy is a battler, and he has earnt your respect.

Even so, from time to time you google Shane’s name, just out of curiosity.

On the cyber grapevine (Facebook) you see that one of your friends, (who is not as hot as you, but still hot, and loose, oh so very loose), has been shagging the house down with Shane.

At first you don’t believe it, you even call her to ask if it’s true, she says he is the best man she has ever been with.

You tell her your story.

She looks confused, her story is one full of lust and satisfaction, yours full of limpness and self love.

She says “all I know is when, where and however I need him, he performs, but I must say, it’s usually only short sharp sessions, for a few hours at a time he is my superman”.

Everything in you says contact him, but you’ve been burnt so many times.

Eventually the temptation is too much, you reach for your phone and start txting “Shane it’s me, are you free tonight?”

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jun 05 2008
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In bed with King Probot

Disclaimer: Yes, this is one of my perverted posts, not for the kiddies, or the mormons.

A while ago I wrote a post about everyone’s favourite player in the bedroom.

But it’s unfair to pick on just Jacques’ boudoir activities, because many cricketers have sex.

So I shall turn this into a series.

Mike Hussey, or King Probot as he is known around these parts, is a patient man.

He would wait for 10 years to sleep with his dream girl.

And when he got there he would be super prepared.

Were you his dream girl, he would know exactly what you wanted.

You would be whisked off to some romantic hotel with a view over what ever you like to look at, be it beach, mountain, or city park.

Upon entering the room, he would have set up your favourite chocolates, drinks, music and have the candles set up just they way they were in your fantasies.

He would be attentive to your every need.

You would receive all the special attention that you ladies have been looking for.

Back massages.

A bath where he washes your hair, romantically, not roughly like that episode where steve hurts miranda.

If your mother calls, he will wait patiently for you to finish talking to her, perhaps even rubbing your feet during that time.

Then after pressing play on Robbie Williams “Swing when you’re winning” he will start with the kissing.

Long passionate kisses, until he feels you actually swoon.

Then he leads you to the canopy bed, that he carefully spread rose petals over earlier.

Then he would go into the foreplay, this he is willing to spend hours on, but he will read your mood, and tailor the foreplay to suit what you require.

From there he will move into the love making, where he is technically proficient in every aspect that you desire.

He knows the exact way to pleasure you, he never forces to hard or to soft.

He takes risk, but they are calculated risks that he knows you will more than likely enjoy.

The session is long, super humanly long, but he never raises a sweat, and looks determined to finish the job, which he does several times over even when he struggles through a difficult middle patch.

Afterwards you lie back on this canopy bed, in this perfect hotel room, with the rose petals sticking to your thigh, Robbie crooning away, looking out the window on your prefect view.

You think about this session, and how it was almost perfect in every way, nothing was left to chance and in terms of quality and quantity it was everything you had ever hoped for.

But it is not Mike that you think of.

Instead all you can think of is the 3 minutes you spent in the back of cab with Afridi just before dawn one time.

You’d never tell Mike though, he is such a nice guy.

He’ll call you tomorrow to make sure you’re ok, and your mum will love him.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
Tagged ,
Mar 02 2008
general balls

In bed with… jacques kallis

CAUTION: This blog contains satirically explicit sex scenes involving South Africans. If you are under 18, a prude, a religious type, or South African you should probably walk away now.

The guys over at sportsfreak pointed me towards Kallis’ extraordinary innings against the Bangladeshi Kittens.

39 off 120 balls with no boundaries.

This coming after the record opening partnership, which shall never be written about here.

This got me thinking about how Jacques likes to have sex.

I know it’s a disgusting thought, but try and hold your upchuck until the end.

Jacques comes home from a well constructed 120 off 332 balls against New Zealand, and he says I want to make love.

You know the drill.

Run him a bath. Not too hot, not too cold. You will play his favourite ocean sounds whilst in the bath.

In the bedroom the lighting must be just right, 18 candles, they all have their positions, and cannot be moved. The music is always Kenny G, preferably breathless, or the moment.

Following this is the maintenance session, you will thoroughly clean, wax and pluck every part of you. Jacques doesn’t like grass on the wicket.

Then you must quickly log onto the internet and check out his average.

You will then go into the bathroom and dry him off, all the while you will be telling him how sexy he is, how adored he is by the public, how every man wants to be him.

Topics that cannot be broached, his ever widening girth. The bald spot, or the fact that no one really likes him.

This shall be followed by a slow passionless kiss, the sort of kiss that makes your toes uncurl. This kiss should go for 20 minutes. No pauses are allowed.

Then the love making can proceed. You will disrobe privately and quickly enter under the covers and lay naked on the bed in what is known as the starfish pose.

Jacques will then enter the bed, still under the covers and position him self on top of you, being careful not to touch you in any erotic way.

He will then enter your vagina with his penis, because kiddies, that is how mummy and daddy have sex with their neighbours.

At this point, you will be reasonably happy. But unfortunately, Jacques then very slowly and deliberately moves in and out, without ever going to far in, or too far out, for the next 4 hours.

He never once changes angle, position, speed, technique, or depth. Just a slow and steady semi penetration until he is happy with the results, and he squeezes out a drop of Kallis juice.

Never more than a drop.

Afterwards you will be required to whisper ever so sweetly 57.54 into his ear. You shouldn’t be out of breath, so this should be easy to do.

Then you must get Jacques eye mask, his ear plugs, his scented candles and leave him alone in the master bedroom to get his beauty sleep.

We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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