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Jun 04 2008
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Uncle J Rod’s guide to writing a cricket blog – episode 6

This is episode 6 in the Guide to writing a cricket blog, to read all episodes click here.

Advanced blogging.

I would assume now after my guidance you have a fairly successful blog with a good name that people can Rss feed and you are on 20 or so blog rolls.

Now you need to step that sh1t up.

How, I hear you ask rather impatiently.

Through targeting the right audiences.

First thing you will need to do is know a few things about your country that people can’t find on Cricinfo.

Knowing one’s home country is an important part of blogging, as it gives you an edge over googlers and the like.

Second thing is to talk about India as much as possible.

There are about 83 kabillion in India, all of them like cricket, and all of the one with real houses own computers.

Computers + Cricket = Your blog getting hits.

I have told you to pander to them before, but it doesn’t matter if you don’t, just mentuion them all the time.

Mention the IPL.

Mention MS Gony and his baby.

Mention Sunil and his latest weird comments.

Mention all the Navjot Sidhu jokes you can think of.

Because India will look after your “hits”.

Thirdly, write in depth accurate piss takings of the English team.

India may give you hits, but England will give you respect in the wider community.

England may still be rubbish at the game they invented, but just like children of bi-polar parents, people still care for them.

England seems to give endless material to work with as well, so that helps.

Fourthy, the lady and pink market.

Don’t for one minute think ladies are not an important part of the cricket blogosphere.

This site has 25% of it’s hits from ladies.

I have been unable to tell how many of the hits I from gay Bombay an such, but I assume they come along as well.

How do I get th lady readers, well I talk about the hunks of Cricket, Vettori, Watson, Dhoni and Dirty Dirk.

The ladies (and select men) love that stuff, and will tell their other lady friends about your site and suddenly you are a co-ed cricket blog.

This will help with the blog getting you laid, which is obviously the ultimate aim for any cricket blogger.

If you are a lady blogger, then you are already chin deep in the fellas I bet.

So to reacap.

Your country = knowledge

India = hits

England = respect

Then you have the world by the balls.

It will then be time to use more of your radical right wing politics in the blog.

Compare Sunil Gavaskar to your favourite media whore, Bill O’Reilly.

Talk about George Dubya in terms that Ricky Ponting could understand.

Press home your radical plan for all test batsman to say prayers before each innings.

Explain why people should ban Muslim cricketers, and stone atheist cricketers.

Then pick a cricketer (not Andre Nel, he is mine), and you and him can take over the world and get all the chicks (or dudes) you want.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Apr 15 2008
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Uncle J Rod’s guide to writing a cricket blog – episode 5

Causes

A cricket blog is not a picture to be hung on a wall, it is a guerrilla soldier at your finger tips, that can be propelled at the unsuspecting public at any time.

It can be used for good or evil, hopefully both.

But only you the cricket blogger will know when the time is right.

Sometimes you will start a campaign to end someone’s career. Let’s say there is a particular left arm wrist spinner who pulls stupid faces and you can’t stand, it is your duty as a cricket blogger to make sure he is omitted. You must do your best to highlight his bad points, and completely gloss over any successes or statistical benefits he may have.

The opposite is true for your favourite player/s. But because they’re your favourites, you must go further. Start weird petitions, mention them in blogs you don’t need to, give them wacky unforgettable nicknames. Mention what they could have done in games had they played, compare them favourably with whomever they are most likely to replace, but most importantly build them up to god like status.

They are bigger than the game, they are more important than any one side, they are the cream of the crop, the beez neez, the cats pyjamas, the edible panties. Talk them up so much, people don’t even remember what they do on the field, but just simply remember that they are who you tell them they are.

Love/hate

Cricket blogs are not meant to be fair and balanced like say Fox news is. They are meant to have rants and odd takes on the sport. So exploit this, and take it to its logical conclusion.

Every team decided if you hate them or love them, and write based on this thought.

Then for every player do the same thing.

Then flip flop.

Then re flip flop.

Then flop flip.

The more times you change the more you will have people’s attention.

And talk about the players you love in the teams you hate, and Vice versa.

Cricket is not a black and white sort. It’s got a lot of in and outs to it, so why should you be black and white. This week you love England because Ryan Sidebottom reminds you of you’re favourite drummer, next week you hate England because KP’s eyes make you wanna kill your whole family.

Commenters

Commenters are vital to making your blog looking more popular than it really is. Anyone who comments on your blog is obviously an intelligent and cool cat, who just wants to share the love with you. Offcourse from time to time, a drunken knob jockey will comment and tell you that you’re crap.

The important thing is you ignore the bad completely, and only let the love come in. Some people might even feel the need to correct your mistakes. These people are nit pickers and should be put down with the most cutting remark you can come up with. Or question their sexuality and call them a nazi.

Some bloggers believe commenters are the life blood of their blog. Rubbish, you are the life blood, they are the parasites feeding off your greatness.

Remember that.

RSS Feeds

Very important you have a RSS feed. Otherwise people who set up sites that take your words and put them up with advertising pay per clicks would have to come and cut and paste from your page. Also some of your fans are lazy, and this is a way to ship your words directly into their inbox.

Podcast/Viddyblogs

All the cool kids have them. And aren’t you a cool kid? Really how hard is it. Buy some blue tack, and a crappy one CCD camera and film away, any mistakes you make will look cool and then use famous commentary for the back drop and bob is your uncle.

Podcasting is even easier. Get a microphone, find a free podcasting network, like let’s say, Podbean, and talk shit about the game you love. It is that easy.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Mar 29 2008
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Uncle J Rod’s guide to writing a cricket blog – episode 4

Episode 4

Getting a fan base

Obviously you know cricket, or you’ve heard about it. That is why you are here. Hopefully you can write at a 3rd grade level, which is the level that most papers require now.

We have covered how to get people to your blog, but they are here, now what?

Well my friend, you do what every piss weak politician has done before you, give the people what they want.

For instance let’s say some Indian guy has just made 300 runs in a day. Pander to them, tell them he is so good he should be given Bolivia and all the goats he has ever wanted. In fact suck up to India at every available moment. Tell them Sourav is underrated and clearly a Prince amongst men, that Anil Kumble is the greatest non chucking clean spinner ever, and that it is obvious that India will take over the world soon, and be the number one cricket team. You can never suck up to them too much, remember they have 7 kabillion people, that’s a lot of hits my friend.

Australia is next, they want to be told how good they are at every available moment. The like the phrase hard but fair, and like being called @ssholes. Talk about how dominant they are, they lap that sh1t up, but try not to mention their whinging, or their unsportsmanlike play, that hits a nerve. Remind them that running cricket on the field is more important than off the field.

These are the only two countries you need to suck up to.

The England is a different kind of puppy. It likes to be abused, humiliated, and generally have the piss taken out of them to feel happy. English fans don’t want their team to be good, as the world will instantly fall of it’s axis. Keep it sarcastic and biting, and they will love you. Grey skies are not going to clear up, are they ladies and gents.

New Zealand, Sri Lanka and the West Indies just like to be mentioned. Do so once every two weeks.

Pakistan is hard. One day they like a bit of spanking, the next day they want you to tell them that Ahktar will come good one day. So keep it random for them, keep em guessing, they will appreciate the effort. Then they will hate you, then they will appreciate the effort, then…

South Africa are sado masochistic. Must be all those born again Christians. They don’t want quirky sarcasm like the English. They want you to actually hurt them, they want to bleed, they want to be known as evil. Kick them, spit on them, make your dog urinate on them. They want their bedroom habits questioned. And then, and only then, will a true South African feel accepted in the cricketing fraternity.

On major cricket issues, best to play it safe and take the p1ss out of both sides of the argument. No one really wants you to take a side, they just wanna vent their own feelings, and on an issue that divides people this is hard, so make up a phrase, like I don’t know, bastard monkey perhaps, or something like that and then you can continue to take the piss whilst building your fan base.

Oh and include sexual references, everyone likes sex. Even Mormons.

Especially Mormons.

Kinky buggers.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Mar 22 2008
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Uncle J Rod’s guide to writing a cricket blog – episode 3

So now you have a name, and know how to promote your blog.

But what is your blog?

A p1sstaking English blog?

A forum like Indian blog?

A sane and balanced Pakistani blog?

Only you will know.

Your blog should have some sort of a theme, so that peple go hey isn’ that the fire starting Zimbabwean blog.

If you have a personality, this will be easy.

If not, you are probably a Christian or Scientologist and perhaps cricket blogging is not for you.

Cricket blogs are like an extension of your personality, so if you are an @sshole, then your blog shall be an @sshole. If you are a fair and balanced person, then your blog will be boring and no one will read it.

You want people to read your blog and get a brief understanding of who you are, then clean it up and make yourself look way cooler.

Cricket blogs are generally about general stuff about general cricket issues.

But now there are so many blogs, that it’s hard to get a foot hold in the market place just talking about how much you hate South Africans.

May I suggest Niche Cricket Blogging.

Currently there is no regularly updated blogs on,

Wicket Keeping

Running between wickets.

Cricketers girlfriends/wives/mistresses/boyfriends/pets

Umpires

Paul Adams

The cut shot.

You need to find a way to stand out from the crowd, which for the Indians is going to be the hardest, so why not write a blog devoted to the minnows.

You could do one on the kittens, or Ireland or the Kenyans.

Or pick a star on the rise and have an Ishant Sharma or Bryce McGain blog.

What about a blog devoted to Dhoni’s hair that could be fun.

I know the basic idea of blogging is to get out all those voices from your head, and take over the world with Andre Nel, but who is to say whilst bagging Dhoni’s hair you couldn’t do this.

Example. Michael Vaughn is hopelessly lost today, he just doesn’t look right, like Dhoni with Jerry Curls.

You’re only limited by your creativity, so you are severely limited.

What about a blog where you translate all the ICC press release into pig latin, or try and find born again Christian metaphors on Cric Info.

The possibilities are endless, now fly my pretties………

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Mar 15 2008
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Uncle J Rod’s guide to writing a cricket blog – episode 2

So now you have decided to write a cricket blog, and you’ve had a month to let my words really settle in.

Now we need to sort out the little details.

Naming your blog. Unfortunately the two best names are taken, the reverse swing manifesto and are you a left arm Chinaman. Try and be a little creative, use my name for a benchmark of the least creative you can be. If you choose the word cricket, try and jazz it up a bit. Cricket catchphrases are the second most common names, if you are going to use one, use one that is not that common. And remember, you can change your blog name at anytime, not that you will have to, I’m sure whatever you pick will be priceless.

The blog roll. For those who don’t know, a blog roll is the bit on the side of the blog that has all the other blogs listed. This is very important, if you’re a particularly nasty person you will put all the peoples name in with a smart @ss comment, like say, cricket with smalls. For blogs you like, ergo, less popular ones, you should put them at the top, so that people don’t find the good ones. Blog rolls are very important, as they create what some internet dude in a bar called linkage. And that is good for google or something.

Your bio. Try and keep it fun. No one wants to hear, my wife left me, I’m unemployed, I have a canine version of genital herpes and I thought a cricket blog would make me feel better. Say I have loved cricket ever since Roshan Mahanana got hit in the goolies two balls in a row, I’m newly single, have an active sexual life and have a lot of time on my hands. Ps my dogs name is Punter.

Best of section. You are very talented, your mum tells you all the time. So why not pick your best blogs and put them in a tidy bow for mass consumption. Remember you are a product, sell, sell, sell. If there are any bold predictions in them, and you got them wrong, don’t forget that you can edit old blogs to make sure you seem like Nostradamus or something.

Comments on other blogs. You know you’re the most talented writer since Joseph Goebbels. But how will others know? Through you putting comments on other people’s blogs. OK so it’s a step down from your blog, which is pure gold, to their blog, which whines endlessly about Matthew Hayden, but hey, its all part of your master plan to take over the world through blogging.

Polls, and open-ended questions. You want people to think your blog is an egalitarian society where everyones views are accepted. In truth you despise anyone who bags your blog, or has a view even slightly different, but you say things like, Do you think India are cr@p? Polls are great too, as you can steer them towards answers you want, and you can make odd in jokes about Canadian cricketers.

Labels. Labels are important, lets say some cricketer googles his own name, and he ends up at your site. How can he instantly check out what you have written about him. Via labels he can. Every time you write a post, you should put a label in about what you have written about, so for this one I will write Genius, because that is what I’m giving you.

Archive. Most people wont spend all day waiting for you to write your nugget of pure gold. Most people are more casual and may only check It out once a week or so. These people need to see what you have written recently, so they don’t miss any of your brilliant writing. You are protecting them from a life where they don’t know how talented you are.

Stay tuned for episode 3.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Feb 08 2008
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Uncle J rod’s guide to writing a cricket blog

One dayers bore me, so instead of putting up nude pictures of Shane Watson, praising Australia’s most in form Spinner, CWB’s Bryce McGain or writing about cricketers being good boyfriends, I thought I’d give a 12 part series (probably less than 12) on how to write cricket blogs.

Perhaps I’ll learn something.

Episode one.

Why write a cricket blog?

Everyone wants to write a cricket blog, they are in the in thing.

Britney Spears is in rehab because she can’t write one.

Ol Heath got disappointed with his blog and couldn’t sleep it off.

And Russell Crowe throws phones because everytime he goes to write a cricket blog, Martin Crowe makes a weird press conference.

When writing a cricket blog you must ask yourself one question, am I interesting, the answer is no. Therefore a cricket blog will automatically make you more interesting. So hurry up and write one.

What are you trying to say? Do you have an over riding agenda, like to make china a superpower in cricket, or to get Robert Key promoted. Are y the political and social aspects of the game what you wanna deal with. Perhaps it’s the pop culture that you wax lyrical about. Or you’re a pervert who wants to include sexual references into every day cricket talk. It would help if you knew what your message was.

Has someone else said it already? Is there really a need for your cricket views to be given their own blog. Couldn’t it work better on forums, and in the comments of other blogs. Hasn’t someone else talked about Tim May’s ill fitting suits, isn’t there enough information on Dhoni’s love life, do you have a truly original cricket pun in you? There are a million cricket blogs, so before you start one, go through them all and see if you have something to say that hasn’t been said before. Or copy from them.

Do you have the time to make a cricket blog? Unless your like me, and can write a blog in 8 minutes, a blog can take a lot of time. Sometimes nothing happens in cricket, sometimes you don’t want to write about cricket, sometimes your mum won’t get out of your room and from time to time cricket is boring. All these things make it harder to write about cricket, will you be able to write 3 or 4 times a week, and make it interesting.

How will I say it? Is your words good, did your mum say you was really good. Writing about cricket is the same as writing about anything, you have to know what you are talking about, and make it interesting to read, other wise you should just get a job at cricinfo. Even if you’re a very intelligent witty person, if you can’t translate that into a cricket blog, you may as well not make an @ss clown of yourself.

Do you have a thick skin? What if your writing style is called playschoolesque and someone says you should forget about using a keyboard and start using crayons. What if your words are called rubbish, racist, misogynist drivel, will you be able to soldier on or will you fold. Remember most people are @ssholes, and they don’t care that you put your heart and soul into bagging Shaun Pollock, they just hate you for no good reason, or they have red hair.

Is having a cricket blog going to get you laid? Sure.

Are my opinions ludacris enough to be laughed at by the mainstream media? I would certainly hope so, if you aren’t going to whinge about commentators, invent conspiracy theories, laugh at (c)rap cricketers, compare test teams to women you have slept with, why are you thinking of making a blog. Cricket blogs are not for fair and balanced cricket theorists, they are for raving looneys who think Sourav Ganguly is infact a giant lizard sent by aliens to destroy us all. Do you have that in you?

Why do you want to write a cricket blog? If it isn’t because you want to take over the world, then is there really a point.

Do you have a big enough ego? Are you self important enough to think your views on cricket are so much cleverer than all the professional journalists and ex players who sprout them ad nausea every other day. It better be. You must at least think you have more to add to the cricket world than say Tony Greig.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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