I hate to start your new year with a bummer, but I have been told a terrible piece of information, and how could I keep it from you?
The ICC has had enough of cricketers. Especially the ones we like, the ones with human emotions.
They thought that the Probot craze of the mid 2000s would catch on, but with their prize probot struggling, M Hussey, they now know a more aggressive approach is needed.
Which is why over the last few years they have been introducing Japanese Humanoid Robots into international cricket.
They are easy to spot, but hard to distinguish from probot cricketers, or shit cunts.
So far, I am told, only a few teams have them, but I haven’t been given a list of players who are in fact Japanese Humanoid Robots.
Ofcourse it would be rude of me not to take a guess at a rough list.
Nathan Hauritz – explains a lot really. Why Australia kept forcing him in the side and why they picked a finger spinner out of club cricket.
Grant Elliott – explains why he looks like a Hollywood c-lister and came from another country.
Brendan Nash – The real Brendan Nash is probably back packing around Peru talking up that 90 odd against Victoria in a shield final. The Robo-Nash has “Team Nash” behind him; obviously this is a fake ICC MacGuffin.
There could be others as well.
The ICC now has cricket where they want it, on flat tracks with high scores, their priority is playing 2020 tournaments every 9 months, and 2020 is a circus in and of itself.
You might think that the Japanese Humanoid Robots that I have outed are a bit rubbish, but the ICC are working on better ones.
These potential early prototypes are programmed to follow every rule, regulation and law to the letter, and spirit of the law. They will never get upset, have no run ins, every umpiring decision will be accepted and when interviewed will behave in a proper way not upsetting any ICC administracrat or sponsor.
The next step is to make them good at the cricket lark, so they don’t look so obvious. Before long the ICC will have them all bowling the carrom ball at 90 miles and hitting sixes with the bat handle up their asses.
No contention, aggression or subversion, just lovely Japanese Humanoid Robots entertaining us with family friendly entertainment.
I can’t wait. I say fuck the humans, get the Japanese Humanoid Robots in now, the cricket might be poor for a while, but once these robo-cricketers get their groove on they are going to be so much better than human cricketers.
Before we do, we should make sure the ICC representatives are replaced with, oh, never mind.
