Has the face of a grizzled character actor in an old irish mob film. When he does curl his face up for a smile, it’s the smile of a man who has seen a lot. Once said he hated the captaincy, then captained England to their first major limited overs title shortly after. Is only good when you bag him, his Sunderland nature cannot handle any praise. When the Queen said good job once, he threw up in her mouth, figuratively. Left twitter after only a short time because people kept saying nice things to him. Probably hates the nick name the Bruce Willis of Nudgers. Bats like he is shovelling coal, or some other menial old timey job involving shovels. It’s never pretty, but he does get some sort of job done. His bowling is a living homage to the military medium pace in New Zealand’s past. Once made a captaincy decision so good that Daniel Vettori said a naughty word.
cricket with balls
just another bullshit cricket blog
Tagged with england player profiles …
balls profile: graeme swann
It is hard to believe that the coolest spinner in test cricket is an off spinner from England; we have clearly reached the end times. Swann is a lovable tosser, although not a fan of London accented Pakistanis. He has no magic tricks as a spinner; he doesn’t invent new deliveries or experiment too much. Although, if he did tricks, he could hide them behind his massive chin. Swann bowls a lot of good balls and works batsmen over using his brain even more than his fingers. Gets good spin, yet is not averse to bowling more full tosses than a club leg spinner on a bad day. Once travelled home drunk to save a pussy. Can bat, although not in the all rounder sense, more like a smashed cowboy riding a bull. Was once in a band. Got punched on his first test tour, by a teammate. I think he imagines that every time he goes out on the field women are throwing their underwear at him, this is yet to actually happen to him.
balls profile: Alastair Cook
No cricketer has ever worn more eye shadow while fishing at edges and opening the batting for England than Alastair Cook. Should really be called mini-Strauss, as he is very similar to Strauss, but sort of less. Has major technical flaws, never really puts his stamp on good attacks, and looks like he is confused as to what is happening around him. Luckily, he also has amazing patience, zen patience. The sort of guy who will stay outside in a queue for a cool night club for hours knowing that when he gets in it will be fun, even if he will only drink diet lemonade when inside. As explained in his Britneyesque autobiography, he is the most working class person from Essex to ever regularly go skiing. His brother is a top bloke.
balls profile: Jonathan Trott
Trudging around cricket like a miserable bus traveller in the afternoon with unwashed clothes who has a facial tick that you don’t want to look at, but can’t look away from is Jonathan Trott. Started his career with an innings so composed everyone wanted to wear pads that looked too big for them and dive back to be run out in award winning photos. Then the honeymoon turned weird when he got to South Africa and his form cheated on him. Now he is back in form, although he never really looks in form even when he is. His batting is the very definition of gritty and his right arm swing bowling is less than serviceable, but far from embarrassing. His first name is Ian, but he uses Jonathan to distance himself from Bell. Wants to be Steve Waugh more than any person ever born in South Africa.
balls profile: matt prior
Drives around in a Ferrari made of jelly beans. Looks 10 years older than he is because of the lack of hair. Yet, can still get a wife attractive enough that a billionaire fraudster will try and hit on. For years was thought of as a good batsman who couldn’t really keep, now is keen on reversing that trend. Perhaps the first inkling that he had good hands was the amazing feat of throwing jelly beans with keeping gloves on. Has some sort of sick relationship with Alec Stewart. Australians considered him arrogant, that is some praise.
balls profile: ian bell
Why Ian Bell has never actually ended up naked in a bird cage no one knows, but he does often bat for England. Occasionally at number 6 and frequently against Bangladesh Ian Bell looks like he is the perfect test batting machine. Mostly he looks like he has forgotten his pin while standing at the ATM. His 30 odds are made with calm and class, as is his walk from the field shortly after. Watching him can be a maternal moment for most people as we just want to take him and give him a hug, or choke him to death and throw him into a lake.
balls profiles: Michael Yardy
In the years to come he will be known as, ” you know, that guy”. But right now is known as the star of left arm slow non spin. Has reinvented himself from a struggling batsman to a comically unfunny bowling option. Yardy is a more than handy number 7 batsman,which is why it was funny he was made to bat behind Luke Wright. Clearly England wanted Yardy to know his place. He is a such a miserly bowler that I am surprised people have not called him a jew, or a scot, or dutch, or (insert whatever other nationality or ethnic group that is supposedly tight with money). I’d prefer to just think of his bowling as cricket’s version of my Uncle. Who my Nan once described as, “so tight he clenched his ass together when he walked so he wouldn’t drop a penny”.
balls profile: andrew strauss
Reminds most people of that guy they went to school with, you know the type, was always destined to do well, you liked him and all, but you could never remember a conversation you had with him. Has the stiffest of stiff upper lips. Performed his own version of the crusades when he convinced his teammates to go back to India after the Mumbai attacks. Is a proper opening batsman, but has a reputation for being stodgier than he actually is. Captains the English side in a modern public school way, in that he makes others believe he really cares what they think, that they are part of the decision-making process and then only listens to Andy Flower. Has a stoic elegance to him, would not be the worst model for a clothing line aimed at people who have so much money they like extreme sports.
balls profile: Jimmy Anderson
Was forging a great career for himself as a male model when England gave him a chance. He chose cricket, as nothing puts a strain on your back more than the strain of catwalk shows. When he is swinging the ball there is a sense that he can get anyone out in the world. When he is not he becomes philanthropic and gives runs away at record rates. Holds some sort of bullshit batting record that means shit. Has one of the most unintentionally comical fast bowling scowls in modern cricket.
balls profile: Ryan Sidebottom
While Sidebottom looks like a drummer in a cover band, he is actually a medium fast left arm swing bowler. In the modern game no bowler has ever improved form more by not being picked. Is out of the team so much he is a bit like the Maris Krane or Bob Sacamano of the English team. Is prone to extreme stroppiness when a fielder makes a mistake from his bowling, never once considering the fact that in reality he is quite rubbish at the whole fielding caper. On occasion he celebrates a wicket like he is in mid orgasm.
