cricket with balls

As much as I enjoy watching Australia, Zimbabwe, Bangladesh, Kenya and Ireland win cricket matches. For me the perfect game of cricket is watching South Africa lose a game they should win and then the aftermath when they have been knocked out of a major tournament.

You’d think I’d be used to it, but I love it every time.

It all started back when I was 12. The cricket world cup came to Australia, but a father that thought one day cricket was as real as wrestling raised me. So I wasn’t taken to a game. Offcourse that didn’t stop me from being glued to a seat around the TV watching as much as I could.

It was watching the TV that I saw the great South African come back end in tears and tantrums. Richie Benaud, Phillip Defreitas and the Sydney weather screwed them. I still remember Brian McMillan behaving like a spoilt child who had his favourite toy taken away. Before the rain delay they needed 22 off 13 balls after the Sydney weather intervened they needed 22 off one ball. Tough titties.

It made it all the sweeter than the rain rule had been written by an Australian named Richie Benaud. Having been in a pretty good situation to actually win the game and probably the world cup, before Sydney rained and Richie’s figures bent them over and didn’t use any lubricants, the South Africans lost in a spectacular way. I didn’t even know who McMillan was, but I knew I hated him, that he was probably an ass clown, and that watching him sulk bought me great joy.

I don’t remember South Africa being much of a threat through the 96 world cup, and so lets skip that one, they didn’t win that’s all that matters.

They more than made up for that in the 99 world cup. They were by far the best one day side in world cricket at that stage. Their side was balanced, had a good attack, and other than a lack of a top class spinner they were the perfect one day side for that era. Elworthy was probably their only dud. Boucher came in at 9, Kallis was a young kid with limitless potential and Cronje hadn’t found Jesus or fixed any matches in that tournament.

Australia on the other hand were a terrible mess that tournament. Their selection process was ordinary. McGrath was taken away from the new ball, Ian Harvey wasn’t picked, but Brendan Julian was. Tom Moody was dragged back from obscurity. Adam Dale had already proven he wasn’t up to it, but was still given the new ball. The batting was odd, and was really all about the opening pair and the fact that hopefully Bevan or Steve Waugh might save us if Gilchrist or Mark Waugh didn’t get off to a good start.

But South Africa lost and then drew unlosable matches. They were kicked out of the tournament through Steve Waugh’s intimidation, Shane Warne’s desire to win, and Allan Donald’s complete brain fade. I was more excited than Tony Greig at a Sri Lankan gay cricket function. I remember waking my father when Warne started to unravel South Africa, especially when he bowled that annoying twat Gibbs. . By this time he was into one day cricket (cause Kerry Packer wasn’t rigging games anymore), and he was so excited he almost got out of bed Australia had no right to win that tournament, but South Africa practised auto asphyxiation similar to that of Michael Hutchence (to choke ones self).

2003 I was in England, we were about to grab a flight to South Africa for the super sixes stage. We were in a house filled with Aussies who cared nothing about cricket and even less about some group match between Sri Lanka and South Africa. They only got interested in the game when Big Daddy and myself started screaming for the rain.

When Boucher hit that six, the six he thought put South Africa into the final six, we were deflated. Then Mark Boucher, Shaun Pollock and everyone involved in South African cricket had an Allan Donald sized brain fade. When Boucher blocked the last ball of the over. Big Daddy and I almost tore the house down. I couldn’t believe they had done it again. I’m pretty sure I had wood.

Arriving in South Africa days after they were kicked out of the world cup was something I will treasure forever.

In 2007 it just seemed a formality they would choke. That’s just what they do. However even I was shocked at the level of their choking. Shaun Tait seemed to scare them. McGrath still seemed to own them. There was brief talk about Australia having trouble with small totals, which is one of those things that people talk about even though it happens less often than the American government admit they’re wrong. Australia smashed them in just over 30 overs.

Now in the first world cup of this backyard 20 20 game, they have choked to such a huge extent that even I was surprised. Especially as it was against an Indian A side.

That is a tremendous effort. Its like they were sent to earth to make me happy. They truly are a wonderful evil country that amuses me so.