Tagged with don bradman

Mein Cricket

The Times recently mentioned that Hitler once played a game of cricket and also tried to re-write the rules.

What they didn’t mention was that he also write a book dedicated to the game of cricket.

Obviously I could never go through all the over written prose, but I can break down the chapters for you.

Introduction
Where Hitler explains why the game of cricket is a proud game and it needs help as the threat of lesser games, especially hockey, is staring people in the face but no one wants to admit it.

Chapter 2: Years of Study and Suffering in Sydney
Adolf talks about his early years of learning cricket by watching Don Bradman in Shield games.

Chapter 3: Subjects and Citizens
Explaining the cricket nations. South Africa, England, New Zealand and Australia are good, India and the West Indies, not so much.

Chapter 4: Personality and the Conception of the LBW rule
While it may sound controversial now, Hitler wanted the LBW revoked because he wanted pads banned. His thoughts were that without pads the batsmen had to make the ultimate sacrifice for his wicket.

Chapter 5: Philosophy and Organisation
Hitler was not a fan of the Imperial Cricket Conference.

Chapter 6: The Struggle of the Early Period – the Significance of the Spoken Word
No one campaigned for better radio commentary than Adolf did. He found McGilvray’s sucking up to the sponsors appalling and thought Swanton’s constant reference to well hit shots as spitzer bullets to be in poor taste.

Chapter 7: The Struggle with the Front Foot No ball
Years before it came into cricket, Hitler was campaigning for the front foot no ball rule. As a shorter man, he thought the back foot rule helped taller bowlers.

Chapter 8: The Strong Man Is Mightiest Alone
A nonsensical chapter about the why the last man standing rule should be brought into test cricket for the 4th innings.

Chapter 9: Basic Ideas Regarding the Meaning and Organization of the Sturmabteilung
I think this is about the importance of batting first drop.

Chapter 10: Wicket keeping as a Mask
Hitler always believed that wicket keepers were a poorer species of cricketer.

Chapter 11: Propaganda and Organization
Hitler, like Kerry Packer and Lalit Modi years later, knew that with a little bit of show bizz and organisation cricket could go a long way.

Chapter 12: The Wrist Spin Question
Hitler believed legspin was a form of cheating.

Chapter 13: Teammate Alliance Policy After the Game
A chapter on why the after game beer was a terrible policy.

Chapter 14: Eastern Orientation or Eastern Policy
Hitler believed that cricket could become a tool of the Eastern countries that would come back to bite the west. Although he also believed that they would never be able to produce good slip fielders and would always struggle with the short stuff.

Chapter 15: The Right of Emergency Defensive shot
Attack, attack, attack were the principles of his game, but everyone needs to defend sometime.

Conclusion
Cricket could become the most powerful sport in the world if only it had a leader with courage who could bring together all the lesser countries.

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referring from the grave

News article:
There is now photographic proof that when Don Bradman was bowled in his last test innings for a duck, the bowler had bowled a no ball. The bowler, name not provided, had stepped over the bowling crease line which at that time was a back foot no ball, meaning that Bradman could not have been given out. In the photo, which has been found at an English charity shop, it is obvious that the umpire is not watching the line and is instead looking at Bradman. Had Bradman made four more runs he would have ended with a batting average of 100.

Centennial Park Cemetery, Adelaide.

The cemetery is quiet, no emo kids having sex on graveyards tonight. Then there is a quiet scratching noise in the graveyard. Like a bird gnawing at something inside a tree. The noise continues to get louder and more frenzied. Then a strong old hand breaks the turf on a gravesite. The hand struggles to get any grip, but slowly but surely a corpse makes its way out of the grave. Dressed in a suit and with a green cap on its head.

The old corpse is still well persevered and is quick on its feet; it makes its way to a service station and lines up behind a bunch of loud youths. They get some money out, and then bump into the old corpse, calling him grandpa as they walk past him. They walk away not knowing that he has stolen their wallets.

Then the old corpse tells the service station attendant that the toilet is broken, and when the attendant leaves to fix the toilet, the old corpse slips behind the counter in an unorthodox manner and steals a few grand before disappearing into the night.

ICC headquarters, Dubai.

The old corpse arrives at the reception desk of the ICC. Wearing a new suit, the same green cap, and with a leather briefcase.

“Excuse me young lady, I am here to register a referral.”
“A referral for what?”
“For an umpiring decision.”
“Oh, well sorry, they can only be done on the ground by a batsman or captain.”
“I understand, but at the time I played the referral system was not active, and I would like to register it now. The bowler who got me out had bowled an illegitimate ball so it means I should not given out and my record should be changed. I have a photo and…”
“Sorry, but we can’t do that.”
“Can I speak to whoever is in charge of the ICC?”
“None of them are in Dubai at the moment.”
“Oh, that is annoying. Is there anyhing you can do for me?”
“I’m afraid not, the ICC can not refer decisions from test matches that have ended, you need to refer it within a brief period of time on the field.”
“That is a shame, I came all this way. Never mind, it isn’t your fault. Can I use your bathroom.”

The receptionist shows him where it is. The old corpse does his business and waits for others to leave. He then fiddles in his leather briefcase for a moment, and then leaves it on the ground.

The old corpse gets back into his rental car, and drives away. Behind him is a tremendous explosion. He doesn’t react to it at all and just pushes a CD into the player.

“Who is it that all Australia raves about?
Who has won our very highest praise?
Now is it Amy Johnson, or little Mickey Mouse?
No! it’s just a country lad who’s bringing down the house…”

I turn no legends into zombie terrorists in my book, unfortunately.

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ashes fact 39

The 1938 Ashes were the first drawn series in Ashes history.

No one was happy with this.

Wally Hammond decided to do something about it, and offered to arm wrestle Donny Bradman, with the winner taking the Ashes.

Bradman declined, as he hadn’t spent 20 anal-retentive years practising to be good at arm wrestling.

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ashes fact 47

The Invincibles didn’t get their name because of their destroyation of England in ’48.

They got that name when a fleet of Russian paratroopers dropped onto their ship and started killing the passangers on their voyage over.

Bradman killed the most Russians (he even stabbed some who were already killed by others), but Miller killed the bigger and tougher ones, and did so with a smile on his face and flick of his flowing locks.

Sam Loxton didn’t kill any, but he did run behind Bradman telling him how great he did.

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Ashes fact 99

Don Bradman’s skills were not from hard work, anal retentive preparation and little man’s disease.

He was actually a member of a group that practised an outlawed version of Voodoo.

Puppydoo.

Puppydoo followers have to kill a puppy in order for the spirits to grant their wishes.

Pretty simple really.

Before a test Don would find a puppy, and the gut it with a shrimp fork.

The cuter the puppy, the more runs he made.

Some times he would fail to find a cute puppy, and that was reflected in the scoreboard.

After each innings he also had to kill a puppy to thank the spirits.

Other members of puppydoo, Edmund Hilary, Gandhi, and Shirley Temple.



Remember to support the balls in the Ashes charity match spectacular.

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Celebrate Keith Miller day

Today is Don Bradman’s birthday.

People will gush about him.

Old journalists will fill buckets with their semen.

And politicians will rush to microphones to say all sorts of nice things about him.

You will not see affection for Don Bradman here.

I don’t care for the man.

His birthday means nothing to me.

I don’t give a rats ass..

The man is a dead over achiever.

Sure he made a lot of runs.

And I am sure he is a better batsman than Mark Butcher.

But I don’t care.

That is why I am proclaiming the 27th of August, Keith Miller Day.

Ways you can celebrate Keith Miller day:

Kick an aussie rules football.

Fuck a member of royalty.

Talk to Michael Parkinson.

Shoot down a German war plane.

Or show general indifference to Bradman as a legend.

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