Tagged with ms dhoni

Touring Probots

I feel a little cheated by Dhoni.

Before he came to Australia he was on my cool list.

A clever young captain, a smashing batsmen and he had a bit of a strut.

The boy bats like a drunken sailor everywhere, but in Australia, well he bats like a probot.

And trust me it hurts to say that.

But its true.

Over in New Zealand Paul Collingwood, a Probot, has just smashed the kiwis out of the ground 6 times before he miss hit a four.

What is going on in the world, whilst Dhoni grafts, Collingwood smotes, it’s all a bit confusing.

Please don’t forget to sign the petition for David Hussey.

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one day cricket at its wettest

The cricket is back on in canberra and hamilton.

No one is sure why two games were scheduled on either side of the ditch in cities that inhabitated on the same day.

Maybe cricket administracrats do have a sense of humour.

Sportsfreak are giving a ball by rain blow of the Kiwis v Poms game.

Mind you he seems more concerned with everything that is being said about Oram, so far he has not been referred to as the perfect boy friend.

The Indians have just finished their 29 over innings, with Dhoni continuing to spank the Lankans, and Sharma (the non adams apple one) batted very well to get the Indians close to 200.

The old Manuka wicket is a bit hard to get a grip on, but the Lankans should win this and therefore deflate the Indians from their rightfully bloated nature following their win in melbourne.

I would go into more detail, but i’m working, and its really hard to work whilst swapping between two games of cricket.

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The Ben Folds/Carl Hooper test

India

Think I’ve made my opinions on 5 bowlers clear enough.

The Indians are saying all the right words about Ganguly’s one day axing.

Surely it caused some angst, you can’t pretend it didn’t, timing is important in comedy and selections.

But in this modern day of professional positive speaking, Dhoni and Kumble have only said what a bunch of over priced psychologists would have wanted them to say.

“It has not affected us in any way”

It has affected you in at least one way, the answering of the question.

But his answer means one of two things, either he is lying, possibility.

Or no one in the Indian team likes Ganguly, possibility.

People may not be surprised to hear this, but I think axing Ganguly was the correct decision.

That is not based on form or the fact I don’t rate him, but more on his age and the fact all teams should be finding their line ups for the 2011 world cup.

Australia included, if Hayden, Gilly and Hogg can’t guarantee they will be available for selection in that tournament they should be axed too.

One day cricket is meaningless unless it’s a world cup.

It’s like the Olympics, no one cares who you beat the month before, just the fortnight when the advertisers spend millions.

Australia

Either Ponting is playing mind games, or he may have lost his mind.

Does he really want to play 4 quicks again?

I have no doubt Tait will bowl better this test if picked, but is that a good enough reason to pick him.

Australia’s balance looks off with 4 quicks, as I’ve said before, we aren’t South Africa, we don’t swing that way.

However, they showed some footage on the television of Tait bowling to some aussie left hander in the nets, and he got him out with a fiery delivery.

And Australia does like picking people for tests in their home state.

Ponting is also a big believer in net form, so maybe this was what swayed his mind. Plus he is so over Hogg, he is so last weeks news, and I am so glad.

Also Adelaide has a reputation, like the G, of reverse swing.

But I don’t understand why it matters if a wicket is reverse swing friendly or not, don’t you just give the bowlers mentos and it swings for you.

Oh and is it a coincidence Hayden is playing a test in the city of churches???

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how many bowlers does it take to draw a series?


5 apparently.

It’s a big call for India, as 5 bowlers will completely change the complexion of their side.

Last week in Perth the balance was perfect.

To fit Harbhajan in without losing another bowler the Indians need to lose a batsman.

No prizes for guessing Wasim Jaffer will be the man given the @ss, he is still waving his bat at passing traffic, even in Adelaide.

That means that Dravid needs to open again, but didn’t he just do that and hate it?

It doesn’t stop there, it also means Ganguly or Laxman to 4, and most importantly Dhoni to 6.

Dhoni batted like someone else in Perth & Sydney, he is obviously not in very good form.

India’s batting form this series really hasn’t been great this series.

They have only scored over 350 once so far, and with Dhoni at 6 that is really opening up guys who are good honest bowlers who bat. You can’t call Pathan or Kumble test all rounders would be stretching the friendship.

I’ve always thought handling 5 proper (kallis types don’t count) bowlers is tough for a captain, because someone always gets the short straw.

If India do pick all 5 bowlers, I’d lay money on Sharma being the one to get the short straw.

The Mantis does have a lot of potential and did bowl some great spells in Perth, but so far wicket taking hasn’t been his forte, so he is the logical choice.

Also he can’t bat, so you ain’t losing much there.

You could argue he gives more variety to the attack, but two left armers, a straight leggie and offie is a pretty varied attack I’d say.

5 bowlers may guarantee a result, but perhaps not the result the Indians want.

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the potato series

Hey there is a test going on in India.

And it looks like a good one.

Even better than that it looks like Pakistan could win it, which will really throw the undies onto the stage.

Misbah Ul Haq decided to throw a way a good but very slow innings with a hop.

Kumble is holding India up, so nothing new there.

Very very special is warming up for his tour of Australia, and is already carrying the noodle nut who bats ahead of him.

Dhoni looks good, even with the new hair.

If India lose I’m blaming the muppets for selecting Ganguly rather than Yuvraj, even if Ganguly makes a second innings ton.

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ahoy hoy


There are quite a few new captains around the world. Some of them I’ve never seen in real action, but why would that stop me discussing them in detail and mentioning the old fools as well.

Ricky Ponting 7/10

Is a bit of a reactionary captain. He backs his players to the hilt, which is great for the players but sometimes can backfire at key moments. If he doesn’t throw the ball to you at crucial moments as a bowler, the selectors wont pick you next game (Dizzy, Cameron White, Shaun Tait). Doesn’t like to experiment. Takes advice from pretty much everyone at all times (except Cameron White) and likes to lead from the front with the bat.

Simpson character he most reminds me of: Bart, got a cheeky streak in him, but still comes out on top.

Mohammad Ashraful 4/10

Since I haven’t seen Bangladesh at test level since Dizzy turned into Bradman, I’m going on 2020 form and since Ashraful hasn’t captained many tests it doesn’t really matter. At the 2020 Ashraful showed great poise, he took it upon himself to win the game with his bat, often giving away his wicket to help the team. In the field he always seemed to be one step ahead, which is the hallmark of many Dav Whatmore captains. In order for Bangladesh to be any good this dude needs to be Lee Marvin in the dirty dozen.

Martin Prince, child prodigy who looks like his future is assured, but child prodigies don’t always do anything.

Michael Vaughn 7/10

Probably as good a captain as Ricky Ponting. Still a bit reactionary seems to wait for the game to come to him, and once they are behind in a match you do get the feeling it will take a big performance from one of the main men rather than great captaining to get them out of the hole. England are not the easiest team to captain. Fragile franchise players like Harmison and Trescothic, unconventional match winners in Kp and Freddy and players who do stupid things off the field all the fucking time.

Milhouse, he does everything Bart does, but just not as cool.

MS Dhoni 5/10

It’s too early to make grand statements, so I’ll make one. I think the boy can captain and I think he could be the Indian captain for 8 years (until the Nuclear war starts and they are all killed). He thinks, he moves, he’s well ahead of the game, he gives his players license and he bats like he’s trying to win cricket games.

Disco Stu, its all about the hair baby.

Daniel Vetttori 0/10

Ok this one is way to early to even talk about. Not sure if he has even captained a real match yet. As a strategic captain you can’t get a better apprenticeship than under Stephen Fleming (the thinking mans captain, that’s why Sime doesn’t like him). Vettori will have a big job, he is the ultimate nerdy cricketer, and he wears glasses and bowls left arm orthodox. Can the nerd captain, lead the cricketing nation that has no one left living there.

Lisa Simpson is my Vettori bet, smart and nerdy, and both built like little girls.

Shoiab Malik 4/10

Still very early on, I’m not convinced he is a long term test cricketer, that said, does look like the sort of guy that when you give him men to lead he grows an extra leg. Struggled against the South Africans, but if you don’t have the cannons to beat the robots they grind you into death. Different style of Pakistan captain, best thing that can happen to him is if Pakistan keeping picking kids and he can grow with the team.

Abe Simpson, looks like a dithering fool, but has a great war record and some times he says stupid things.

Graeme Smith 4/10

If only he could captain as good as he talks about captaining. Dude is a major fucking ass clown. He makes so many mistakes, on and off the filed. Then again the best captain they have had in the last 20 years is a born again match fixer. He captains with his cock, and he doesn’t have the biggest cock in the room, I think he needs to smoke some weed, chill out and think about cricket as a fluid form rather than a solid form. (That’s deep man).

Principal Skinner, tight haircut but is a loser, and will always be a loser.

Mahela Jayawardene 7/10

There isn’t much this guy does wrong, probably on a par with Vaughn and Ponting, but is maybe a little less reactionary than them. No flair with his captaining, but his players respect him. He is professional and unobtrusive, he knows that Sanath, Murali, Kumar and Malinga are the stars and that he is just the man who lets them strut their stuff.


Waylon Smithers, does his job very well, but he’s a bit boring and the real power is Mr. burns (murali), and no I’m not saying he’s gay, although good luck to him if he is.

West Indies –1/10

Do they even have a captain, I think you get the job depending on which seat you find.

Springfield Isotopes, they need a dancin’ homer.

Robert Mugabe –1000/10

Showed promise early on, made grand gestures about cricketer being a gentleman’s game, but then with the starving of the blacks and lynching of the whites you’d have to say he dropped the ball. Then when he arrested his main opposition for trying to kill him, threatening Heath Streaks father and putting a hit on Andy Flower and Henry Olonga you’d have to say he lost all of his form. Can’t see any redemption in his future, I think the selectors need to get some guns and start a coup.

Homer, worst father ever.

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Big Daddy Would Be Proud – Part #2

As I mentioned in my previous blog, Andrew Symonds was the stand out for Australia in the Future Cup. In game six he made a well earned century after Australia had made a quick start but found itself bogged down in the middle overs when the power plays had ended. The ball had lost its hardness and the Indians had identified the wicket was a slow one and had implemented their medium pacers and spinners to make reaching the boundaries difficult. Harbajan Singh was turning it sideways. Brad Haddin was new to the crease and was attempting to use some initiative and play himself in, with the idea of striking out in the later overs, as he had had a strong series to date. At 6 runs from 29 balls, it wasn’t working and the pressure was building…….

At the other end the old Andrew Symonds would have attempted to hit himself out of trouble, when faced with this scenario, and he would not have necessarily waited for the right ball. Sometimes this worked……more often than not it wouldn’t. In this game he was prepared to rotate the strike and turn singles into twos, without once taking a ridiculous risk. He also displayed a wide variety of deft touch by way of fine late cuts to very fine third man or fine behind square. Finesse never seen from him before. He seems focused on playing a lot straighter and his lofted drives in Game 6 were a feature, eliminating a lot of the risk associated with hitting in the air.

There is no question that even with this steady improvement in technique and attitude that Symonds would never have been able to break into Test cricket 15-20 years ago facing up to the likes of Kapil Dev, Imran Khan, Curtly Ambrose, Courtney Walsh, Malcolm Marshall, Waqar Younis, Wasim Akram etc, who could make that little red ball ‘talk’ in ways we can only dream about now……..and at a very rapid rate that makes Brett Lee look like the Patrick Patterson he is……..

He has a chance of making it in Test cricket these days because there isn’t a single pace bowler in Test cricket that would be worthy of being the same state/province/county (depending where you come from) as the above mentioned legends of the craft of fast/swing bowling. I dare anyone out there to contradict this fact. Living proof is the fact that a no talent, big mouth like Kevin Pieterson can have the sort of record he does in Test cricket when he has the worst technique in the history of cricket. He only knows one way – to slog and thrash his way out of every situation. Swinging across the line at every opportunity, lifting his head, never moving his feet………it makes me sick to think this is what Test cricket has come to.

He has a worthy counterpart in this department in the equally ugly ‘axe man’ in South African skipper Graeme Smith. The only difference is that Smith hasn’t had the same luck, early in his innings as Pieterson. ……….Don’t even get me started on Shahid Afridi!! This style of batting is spreading through the ranks of Test cricket as well as the kids coming through, faster than Equine Influenza.

The Future Cup was a triumph for two veterans of the game in Matthew Hayden and Sachin Tendulkar. Hayden continued his rich vein of form until a worrying, untimely hip injury, which makes you wonder why he has to be played in such a series which has no importance, one month out from a Test series? Hayden is the perfect example of how best to hit out in a one day game at minimal risk. Hayden is the master of hitting through the line of a ball, using conventional cricket shots. He also uses his feet superbly to change the length of balls. When he has his full momentum through a ball, not unlike a golf swing, his timing is amazing and he is almost impossible to bowl to. Ricky Ponting has also mastered this art. Other countries should be adopting this play in an effort to compete with the Aussies.

Tendulkar on the other hand, turned his Future Cup around at the end of the series, after a very shaky start, using the Hayden method of one day attack, minus the power. It was a rare glimpse of the Tendulkar of old, absolutely murdering the bowling at times with his precise driving of anything over pitched on both sides of the wicket. Technically, he is almost perfect and only Ricky Ponting plays the horizontal bat strokes better. He teamed well with Ganguly at the top of the order, but sadly he couldn’t turn his fifties and sixties into a couple of hundreds he deserved. Time seems to have passed The Little Master by, but it is admirable the way he has adjusted his game to counter his diminishing powers.

Other notable performances from the Future Cup for India were the hundred scored against the tidal wave from Yuvaraj Singh, who is a prodigious talent who needs to venture from the dark side and polish his skills to be an impact player in Test cricket. See Matthew Hayden. Yuvaraj’s innings was one that required patience and he was left to carry the load, a role he isn’t familiar with as he has been used solely as a hitter in the past.

I never thought I would see the day when Murali Karthik would take six wickets in a game, let alone against Australia. He took advantage of the slower wickets and bowled very, very well. No batsmen could get hold of him and his variations, although slight were well executed, particularly the arm ball.

Finally, I felt Dhoni did a very serviceable job of captaining the side. He had clearly defined game plans and wasn’t afraid to take the Aussies on. This is a characteristic very few Indian captains have had recently and he looks like he might be able to lead from the front. Rarely was he flustered when things were on the skids and he backed his players to follow through, regardless. Having said that, he too needs to come from the dark side and put a higher price on his wicket and lead by example in the tougher game of Test cricket.

The big question remains, can the Indians expose the Australians lack of bowling depth in the up and coming Test series in Australia, as they did in the last series in Australia? Or, as Big Daddy has outlined earlier, will they wilt under the pressure of five day cricket? I feel they have the quality in there squad to cause us some headaches, but I doubt they have the constitution to follow through, particularly if they continue with some fading stars in Ganguly and Dravid. It promises to be an interesting series none the less, let’s just hope on the ground……….

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the next indian test tour of oz

Australia has a question mark over the opening slot, but there are a bunch of talented batsmen willing to fill it. Doesn’t look like a weakness. The middle order Hussey, Clarke, Symonds or Hodge could be a weakness. Mind you Hodge smacked the Indian’s everywhere for a double hundred at the MCG on that very same tour against Victoria. Clarke likes playing against them, Symonds loves playing against them and Hussey is Hussey.

Bowling wise, Lee and Clark with the new ball, Johnson or Tait first change and MacGill bowling spin. This time around the attack looks dangerous. MacGill took 14 wickets last series, if he does that again, the Aussies will win. No Bichel, Williams or Bracken to bowl pies.

India’s batting is not as blue chip this time. Sehwag may not come, Laxman may not come, Tendulkar, Dravid and Ganguly not in the form they were 4 years ago. Singh and Dhoni are good cricketers, but neither of them are dominating test cricket. Dhoni will be under more pressure for the couple of months he is here, than he would be if he bombed the white house while he anally raped Paris Hilton on Entertainment tonight.

Singh is good, and this could be the series he comes out and dominates test cricket, or it could be the series he doesn’t make a cracker. Will be he become a serious test player or will he walk the tight rope with Symonds. Do monkey’s walk on tight ropes? Was I being racist?

India’s bowling is more even than last time, however Kumble is older than Richie Benaud. Khan lets the aussies get to him. Both Singh’s can be good or shite, and Sreesanth has escaped from the Rodney Hogg & Andre Nel school of nutcases.

On paper the aussies have the edge in batting and bowling. However, this combination of bowlers has never been used before. The Indians have to get early wickets in every innings, they must get the new opener and Hayden or Ponting early. If they don’t Australia will make good scores and this will make it easier for the new bowling combination. The only way the can win the series is if Hayden and Ponting both average under 40.

The pitches in Australia are pretty much all flat tracks at the moment, so this will help the Indians. But it’s not enough of help, Sydney and Adelaide don’t spin much anymore, and that was always an advantage to the Indians.

I think it would take something special to beat the Australians this time, Yuvraj making 3 hundreds, Khan taking 20 wickets and Dhoni keeping his head could do it, but all three are novices in Australia and it’s a big ask.

I can’t see them winning the series.

Lets hope its more exciting next time I couldn’t bare to see another series where both teams seem to be able to score 500 without trying.

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wild west cricketers

Hey I’m bored shitless so I’m comparing western characters to cricketers.

Matthew Hayden – John Wayne – The Searchers or pretty much any film he was in.

I’m probably not the first person to make this comparison, but just cause it’s obvious don’t make it untrue. The duke understood the west, and some days he would have just sat there and watched it, just like Hayden sitting on the pitch the day before a test. In the searchers John goes a little too far, there is macho domination, and then there is being an arrogant bully. Sound like any opening batsmen we know?

Andre Nel – the old guy in town that is there for comedic value

Need I say more, its Andre fucking Nel.

Yuvraj Singh – Clint Eastwood – any spaghetti western

Everything about the man with no name was introverted. Watch Singh at the crease, he has the Eastwood stare, he almost dares the bowlers to come into him. Not a man for big words, but when he says something people listen. Even when Singh is smashing the ball there is a restraint, dare I say it a touch of coolness there, and is there any western character cooler than Eastwood?

Adam Gilchrist – William Holden – the wild bunch

His best days maybe behind him, but the doesn’t mean he can’t take a Mexican government down on his way out. Only one way to go down, all guns blazing.

Ms Dhoni – Alan Ladd – Shane

This is my favourite one, cause Dhoni is little, Alan Ladd is little, so it seems like I actually looked into this one. They strode into town just as the farmers needed some leadership and balls. They both look a little gay, but Jack Palance and most bowling attacks around the world know not too question their sexuality. Lets hope for Dhoni his story ends better than Shane’s did.

Andrew Symonds – woody strode – the professionals and a heap of others

Woody was the token black actor in an ass full of westerns. Do I have to explain it?

Murali – Gary Cooper – high noon

What to do when everyone in town abandons you, when you are positive that you are right but no one wants to stand beside you. Hell, you keep on taking wickets regardless of whether men with guns or Bishen Bedi talking into a microphone is coming after you. Even if you are a chucker, or a commie pinko lefty.

Ricky Ponting – Harry Carey in a bunch of westerns

Harry Carey films are so damn boring, because the man just never ever lost and the cardboard back drops and such. Take out the 2005 ashes campaign and Ricky Ponting’s career is pretty damn similar. Also Punter is old school, and Harry is old, well actually he’s dead, but he was the first western star.

Sourav Ganguly – Gene Hackman – unforgiven

On his day Sourav was the greatest villain going around, but just like Gene Hackmen he wasn’t the best villain of all time. Jack Palance and Ranatunga have that award covered. However what Gene and Sourav have is the ability to bring people together, in their hatred of them. Or in their love of them.

Stuart Clark – Lee Marvin – the professionals

Hard to believe anyone who looks like Clark or Marvin has a sense of humour? Both of them get the job done, with a sly smile on the side. And Marvin has grey hair and Clark should have, cause he bowls like a 45 year old grade cricketer, except for all the wickets. In fact scrap this one cause no cricketer ever, with the exception of Keith Miller is cool enough to be compared to Lee Marvin.

Rahul Dravid or Sachin Tendulakr – Johnny Depp – dead man

In dead man Johnny Depp’s best friend keeps telling he is already dead, until finally he puts him out to sea. So now Rahul and Sachin just need to decide who is the one who is to be floating out to sea.

Andrew Flintoff – any one who goes up against a hero or really kick ass anti hero in a western.

They always look tough, but end up dead or injured all too quickly.

What a fucken film this is

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welcome soldier

I would like thank Sime, our newest conspirator, for writing his first blog. I’m sure you will all look forward to his contributions, especially the ones where he compares every modern player negatively to Steve Waugh.

I am hoping he will become the Neil Harvey of this blog. Because things were always better in the old days, weren’t they Sime?

For people trying to get a grip on Sime as a cricketer let me say this, Atherton, Boycott and Lawry all look like Viv Richards in comparison. Brilliant forward defence, but all the intent to attack of a brick wall.

By the way, he bowls off the wrong foot, not sure what that has to do with his writing style, but its true.

When thinking of sime this photo says it all.

Thanks for showing me this pic Dinnie, it will stay with me forever.

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