Tagged with david hussey …

Dec 21 2009
aussies

Pick Ed Cowan

With Ricky Ponting possibly missing the boxing day test, Australia need a replacement.

A few names have been chucked around.

George Bailey. Smiles alot, finally having his break out season.

Shaun Marsh. Used to drink alot, finally making regular runs this season.

Michael Klinger. Makes alot of runs, usually by putting attacks to sleep.

Phil Hughes. Made a hundred recently, against an attack with Andrew McDonald opening the bowling.

Any random NSWales player. Due a cap, Usman to debut against Pakistanis could be tough.

Mark Cosgrove. Is making lots of runs, is eating lots of pizzas.

Mitchell Marsh. Is the talk of the town, has made no FC hundreds.

Adam Voges.  Has no weddings planned, is missing a few runs.

David Hussey. Imagine that, no I can’t.

I am sure all of these players will get someone tooting their horn if Ponting’s arm doesn’t come good.

But fuck them all (sorry FPM).

I think Australia should go in a completely different direction altogether.

They need a cricketer who doesn’t take himself too seriously, one who has made over 500 runs in 6 games this year, one without corporate ambitions, and one who likes You Am I.

The choice is simple.

Smooth Eddie Cowan.

He is now officially sanctioned by cricket with balls.

Mr Hilditch, you may select him, smooth Eddie for Boxing day.

And he isn’t even Victorian.

The ashes book.

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May 31 2009
world twenty20

Can’t look past the Future PM

Vic Marks at the guardian has an article up on the 10 young players who could make their mark in the world twenty20 thingy.

He picks Warner for Australia, but the photo editors were so enchanted by the Future PM David Hussey they decided to use a photo of him.

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May 26 2009
IPL

The insignificant current Australian players of the IPL

Just to clarify, the word current means players who haven’t retired from national duty.

Moises Henriques – Kolkata
38 runs @ av 19 sr 95 hs 30*
2 wickets @ 53 econ 8.79 bb 1/32

No one could quite understand how he kept getting a game, or the new ball. Is a very talented young kid, but maybe, just maybe, he should perform at the level below before he is given an opportunity.

David Hussey – Kolkata
98 runs @ av 24 sr 166 hs 43
0 wickets econ 8.5

Came late onto a ship that had already sunk, and decided to swing away. Looked in top touch, but kept getting out after amazing starts. Had a way better strike rate than McCullum or Gayle.

Lee Carseldine – Rajasthan
81 runs @ av 20.25 sr 119 hs 39
1 wicket @ 6 econ 6 bb 1/6

Came in first game and just smacked the ball everywhere when no one else could get the ball off the square, sadly that was about all he did in the tournament. Interestingly only bowled one over.

Rob Quiney - Rajasthan
103 runs @ av 14.7 sr 100.98 hs 51

Hit his first ball in the IPL for 6, then went out. Only really got two starts, and showed glimpses of his talent, but good spinners slowed him down or got him out. Hopefully he has learnt some good lessons, and will be able to score more consistently for Victoria.

Shane Harwood – Rajasthan
9 runs (no outs) sr 62 hs 6*
3 wickets @ 24.3 econ 7.30 bb 2/25

Only played 3 games, but did look dangerous. Rajasthan were more worried with making runs so he and Morne spent most of their time on the bench.

Luke Ronchi – Mumbai Indians
0 runs from 1 game

Sachin went into panic mode about half way through the tournament and threw Luke one game. He was run out for a duck.

Simon Katich – Punjab
145 runs @ av 16 sr 123 hs 50

His 50 was sensational, as good as I have seen the krab time the ball, but struggled other than that. 2020 really wasn’t made for him, and had his coach not been Moody, I doubt he would played too often.

George Bailey – Chennai
45 runs @ av 22.5 sr 115 hs 30

In both of his innings he looked in top form, and in both of them he ran himself out. The good news was smilin’ George looked completely at home at this level of cricket.

Andrew McDonald - Delhi
3 runs @ av 3 sr 75 hs 3
0 wickets (3 overs) econ 7.33 bb 0/22

Only played the one game when Delhi were resting players, and got a sensational Yorker from Anil Kumble.

Luke Pomersbach – Punjab
41 runs @ av 10.25 sr 83 hs 26

Looked out of touch, and small. When Luke is at his best he looks like a Hayden type bully, here he looked like a mouse imitating a flea.

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May 19 2009
ashes

The Australian Squad for the Ashes in a parallel universe

The test squad for the Ashes seems pretty worked out, bar the two all rounders.

But what of the parallel universe, as they prepare for their series, we take a look through the wormhole at the make up of their team.

In that universe they pick squads on Tuesday. Obviously.

M North (captain) – Having cemented his captaincy after Shane Warne’s retirement he fires up the team with sensible slogans and common sense captaincy.

C White (vice captain) – When Cameron is not poisoning North’s meals he is the number 7 Australia has been waiting for since Ian Harvey retired, and his big turning leg breaks are unplayable.

S Katich – This stylish batsman doesn’t make many runs, but when he makes runs, the whole world sighs in orgasmic delight.

M Klinger – Struggling to perform as a Jew, Klinger has had the best run of his life since converting to Satanism.

B Hodge – Although suspected in the deaths of many of Australia’s best young batsmen, Hodge has never been charged, and his form is as good as ever. The selectors love his good nature ribbing.

D Hussey – Inspired by the tragic auto erotic asphyxiation of his brother, David becomes the worlds most dominant stroke maker.

M Cosgrove – Even though Cosgrove’s form is poor, he is selected for the tour on the basis that he gets his weight back up to over 120kgs. Coach Darren Lehmann remains confident he can gain the weight and form.

D Christian – Australia decide to follow the South African example and set a quota of one Aboriginal player in every test. After poor results bringing Jason Gillespie and Ryan Campbell out of retirement, they settle for Dan Christian, and find that he is shit hot.

L Carseldine – Is now technically steel than flesh, but the ICC is slow to move on banning bionic cricketers, and Lee’s metal torso body and titanium legs will be allowed in the ashes.

C Hartley – Is the best keeper in the world, averages 12 with the bat, but everyone knows you take the best keeper regardless of batting quality.

S Tait – Australia finally get the best out of Shaun Tait by employing Rodney Hogg as his full time carer. The two fall in love and get married in the lunacy room.

B McGain – Was humiliated by losing his test spot in South Africa after missing the flight over, but is fired up to star in his first test against England.

M Inness – Even though he had retired, experts realise that Matthew’s first class average was 2fucken5 and pick him for the tour.

D Pattinson – The man the Ashes hopes rely on. His 26 wickets against South Africa in only 3 tests was just about perfect fast bowling.

D Marsh – Some would say that Dan is an odd choice, especially since he is retired, but Chief Selector Rod Marsh said “we needed a hard bastard to toughen these fuckers up”.  Is picked to be the back up keeper/spinner/batsman.

They should do well against Rob Key’s England.

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Apr 26 2009
general balls

Cricketers looking scared

A brand new series is being started on cricket witb balls, cricketers looking scared.

If you have a photo of a cricketer looking scared, send it to cwb@cricketwithballs.com, and we’ll put it up.

The first in this series comes from Q over at Well Pitched.

"Is that a Terrorist?"

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Apr 18 2009
IPL

The Ultimate IPL Guide: Kolkata Knight Riders

Vacuous Sex Symbol

Porn Star: Brendan McCullum

Prince Brendan might be the reason that the IPL was successful. His first innings set the bastard alight. Cameras like him too.

Pole Dancer: David Hussey

88 off 44 against South Africa is a pretty good warm up. Still one of the premier batsmen in world 2020, but needs to step up for Kolkatta.

Boy Next Door: Ishant Sharma

The Giant Adams Apple from India hasn’t quite lived up to his hype yet, but will love to bowl on the quick wickets in South Africa.

Model: Sourav Ganguly

Struggled for runs last tournament, isn’t captain, and might prove to be a distraction to his team. Usually doesn’t like to be anybody other than the main man.

Home made/Amateur: Mashrafe Mortaza

The Bangladeshi bagman can slap the bowl and hurl it down fast.

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Mar 27 2009
aussies

Future PM wows electorate

Fair to say David Hussey’s form this summer was ordinary.

Struggled with Victoria.

Was patchy for Australia.

And until the end of the summer never really looked like himself.

Well he was just himself.

88 off 44 balls was more than half of what Australia made of less than half the balls.

Without him it would have an English white ball type performance.

It was more than runs though.

It was mojo.

He was oozing mojo through every pore and orifice.

His six over cover from a finger spinner was breathtaking.

His six over cover from a seamer defied physics.

And he played these shots as every other batsman wafted away looking lost.

It was so good he was made Captain of the Kolkata Hasselhoffs, but only during breakfast.

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Feb 11 2009
general balls

Future PM speaks to the people

Like any politician, even one I have created in my head, David Hussey knows public opinion is important.

And the people were turning.

Even I, his humble press secretary, was starting to question his performamces.

A bad politician would speak out, they would try and sling mud on someone else, or justify their position.

David Hussey didn’t bother, he just got back to basics.

Pull shots into the midwicket crowd.

Drives through cover.

And straight slaps that went down the ground by any means necessary.

Hussey got the runs done.

And he did it the David Hussey way.

He even ha time to fail before his hundred, as he likes to do when the game is iced.

This is what we want from David Hussey, carefree attacking batting like a mother fucker who just don’t care.

No one wants him to be Michael Hussey lite, he should be David Hussey; ball slapping genius.

And he knows this, so he gave it to us.

He just needs to do this more often.

Like he does for Victoria.

Kevin Rudd can’t run the country for ever.

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Feb 06 2009
general balls

imitating oneself

It would be easy to say New Zealand is inspired by the one man play based on Bob Blair’s life.

The truth is harder to put a handle on.

New Zealand are playing good cricket, but they are also missing 2 of their top 5 one day cricketers in Oram and Ryder.

Players like Broom and Elliot are not exactly world beaters, but they are playing good cricket, and Australia is not.

On paper Australia still has the better side.

But also on paper are Ponting’s forced resting, Roy’s litany of dribble, the krabs killer choke, Brett Lee’s almost forgotten absence, Hayden’s retirement, and a losing culture that is quickly permeating the Aussies.

And it’s the last point that is the most and only important one, the Australian team is looking like losers.

A change of captain had no effect.

A change of personnel had no effect.

The team just looks defeated.

David Hussey is the epitome of everything that is wrong with Australia at the moment, no one is a bigger fan of Hussey than I am, but look at his recent batting preformances.

They are, to use a Royism, UnFuturePM.

32 off 51

13 off 26

10 off 22

Anyone who has seen Hussey play at domestic level, and even when he started for Australia, will know this isn’t his way.

He doesn’t scratch around like his brother, he usually hits his way through an innings, it’s not unusual for him to not score for ten balls for Victoria, and then hit two sixes.

And once he gets started, he usually only goes out from over attacking.

The last 3 games he hasn’t done this.

He is batting like a dog who has its leash held.

The only way for Hussey to bat is all out, he isn’t a porbot like his brother, he is an animal.

In his second game for Ausrtalia he made 50 off 21 balls.

He is destruction with the bat, and usually when he plays for Victoria, when the coppalse, and they always collapse, he leads the comeback by attacking.

There is no sign of that man in the Green and Gold.

The man in the green and gold is doing some sort of bad Michael Hussey impresonation.

That is the Australian team in general, a bad imitation of itself.

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Oct 03 2008
victorian bushrangers

the Sheffield Shield, brought to you by a soggy breakfast: VIC

Victoria, the home of the brave

Players that wont be available due to committments in a lesser team

McGain, Hussey and White.

McGain won’t play one dayers, and other 2 won’t play tests, so they should have the majority of their team the majority of the time.

Along with Tasmania, has the best balanced lists, and made the finals of all three trophies last year for one Victory, would want to take one of the more important sides this year.

Leadership

This is the big test, this is the big bears team, and when the one dayers come around and he is busy, they will be looking forsome else to take over.

Brad Hodge will probably get the job, dammit, but I think Nick Jewell could be the man.

Bowling

Dirty Dirk Nannes, Eyelids Pattinson, Peter Siddle (Sizzle), Wright and probably Clint McKay are the quicks, and all genuine wicket takers.

Eyelids has come back to Australia as a legit first class bowler, and this is a pretty handy bunch of 5 bowlers.

Spin bowling is interesting, with McGain out, White is the only spinner I know of close to first class level, but young Kumar Sarna may get a go.

If White has to take the job as number one spinner, it may do him good to get th extra overs, but Victoria will miss Bryce.

Batting

The Middle order is still sexy, Hodge, Hussey and White, but they won’t have that for 6 weeks.

Chris Rogers has been brought in, as Victoria struggle to ever have two good openers at one time.

Last year it looked like Jewell had come of age, so if he and Rogers can provide solid starts, other states may be in all sorts of trouble.

Victoria do need to pick a keeper this year, either young Wade gets a go, or the X man continues.

Long in the tooth

There is no obvious players on the way out, Hodge and McGain being the oldest, but they are probably around for fair while yet. Damien Wright may not finish the season however.

Ready to shed the nappies

James Pattinson, brother of Eyelids, is supposedly a freak of nature, and I say get him in there at 7 before Notts try and claim him.

Nostradamus

Shield

1st or 2nd.

One day

2nd or 3rd.

2020

1st or 2nd.

The rub

If they can overcome the loss of Bryce they could win it all.

The Christian Bale sqaud

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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