Tagged with daniel vettori …

Feb 01 2009
general balls

Daniel, where is the anger?

“Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you all”

That is rougly what Daniel Vettori said after Ryan Sidebottom’s tackle of Grant Elliott that almost cost New Zealand a close game.

It was probably the closest i have ever felt to him.

It was glorious pure victorious rage.

This is what he said after Haddin’s creative wicket keeping.

“I think you saw from Haddin’s reaction that he knew something was wrong so he probably should have made more noise about it,” Vettori said of Broom’s dismissal.

“I suppose (I’m disappointed) because I thought it was a partnership that was going to win the game so it put us under more pressure.

“But we are pretty pleased to get there in the end. It was a nice way to finish. Moral victory or not, it was just great to get the win.”

It’s not quite the same.

Ceci says:

Perhaps the Punter might like to take captaincy lessons from him?

I think he could have felt justified by saying “Fuck you Haddin you dirty little cheating bastard.”

Especially straight after hitting the winning runs, i would have  been tempted to turn around and give Haddin a full moon.

Maybe NZC has given Daniel anger management lessons since the English tour.

Shame.

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Dec 23 2008
kiwis

How to win a one day style chase in a test match, by Daniel Vettori

I was excited last night, and there was no Natalie Portman film on TV, it was a natural high from Chris Gayle’s Vista and a very well set up last day chase for the kiwis.

Fuck, I even recorded it.

A New Zealand West Indies match recorded, that is huge.

And I wake up to shit.

Absolute shit.

McIntosh, How and Flynn.

Now I am on the record as a Flynn fan, I think How has a defensive shot that could turn on a born again christian and I have nothing against Mark Richardson mark III, but why would those be the first three men you send out in this sort of a chase.

McCullum, Taylor, Ryder.

That is where the money is printed.

McCullum and Ryder made England look like a charity job opening up together.

Taylor is the marquee player.

These are the run a ball men, the ones you want in early when your side has a chase like this.

How, McIntosh and Flynn are the three you want coming in if the IPL millionaires and the chubby drinker give it away.

Not the other way around.

Dan, you had the chance to win the series in two sessions, and you sent out 3 men that couldn’t deliver that for you.

What sort of fucked up thinking is that?

And don’t give me that How & Flynn scored quicker than Ryder.

It took 17 overs to get to 2/62, does anyone in the world believe McCullum & Ryder would have let that happen?

That is almost a third of the chase, and it was squandered.

Someone get Vettori contact lenses, because his glasses are giving the rest of us false expectations.

Enjoy 8th spot.

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Nov 30 2008
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Has Dan fooled us?

We all assumed Daniel Vettori was a smart man.

He has glasses.

His beard looks very English professor like.

He is known as the thinking woman’s crumpet.

Looked like a famous literary character.

Bowls spin.

And generally makes sense when he talks.

This test he has really tested that assumption.

He is clearly injured, and fielding at mid off/on.

You might say, so what.

Well have you ever been to the radelaide oval, its like a million metres long.

In general you shouldn’t put bowlers at mid on or off if they are required for big spells.

But this is special circumstances.

He is injured, he is captain, and he bowled twice as many overs as any other player.

That is dumb cricket.

A day and a half of dumb cricket.

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Nov 29 2008
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Australia sit on Dan Vettori, and ride their way to victory

New Zealand took the punt with one spinner, but when they made that decision, they figured that Australia would come at Vettori.

Like a hot bespectacled brunette in a pencil skirt.

Instead Australia played it cool, flirted a little, and Vettori was muffled by their muscular thighs.

These things happen.

Vettori plugged away all day, doing more than a third of the work, and all he had to show for it was Simon Katich.

Not one you can really tell your mates about.

Iain O’Brien on the other hand spent all day in the corner of the bar, talking about star trek and perfect jeans, before he accidentally bumped into a girl, who liked it rough, and they both exchanged unpleasantries and some quick hand relief.

O”Brien will definitely tell his friends about Ponting.

But that was it for the Kiwis.

In Adelaide they like a bit of brown sugar, but Jeetan Patel was brought all the way over because he is the designated driver, and he was too busy getting drinks for others.

Not good news for New Zealand.

They tried.

But the day was predictable, and very dull.

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Nov 15 2008
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Piri Piri Kid Rocks Kiwis (a lot of ‘I’s in that)

Moises Enriques, Portugal’s greatest ever cricketer, rocked the Kiwis on day three of their match.

The poor kiwis are having a bit of a rough time of it at the moment.

Embarrassed in the first innings, ground down to the nub during NSWales innings, then they go out to bat and a 21 year old runs through them like butter.

At least he is not a teenager.

The good news is no Australian player is going to be that young.

Ever.

Moises who was just starting to push the ‘promising’ tags a bit far, has been given a lot of responsibility by NSWales, they either believe him to be some sort of Portuguese Jesus, or they have no one else.

I think it’s both.

This year Mott has made him bat in the top order and take the new ball.

Moises often flirts with success, but no climaxs so far, but one big hundred and another 5 for and his baggy green will coming very soon.

Talking about Jesus, Daniel Vettori is way nerdier, but is also New Zealand’s new saviour.

When did that happen?

Before he was captain he was just a bowler and a handy batsman.

Now he is a nerdy super alpha dog who dominates their batting and their bowling.

Or the rest have just stopped trying.

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Oct 21 2008
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Kittens don’t get lucky

So your Ashraful, and you’re in the test match bar that Andy Symonds runs.

ou see a girl on the other side of the room

You make sure you are looking the goods.

Make eye contact.

Get the balls to go over.

Intorduce yourself.

Tell her she’s pretty.

Buy her drinks.

Woo her.

Listen to her speak.

Ask questions about her past.

Interrupt her speaking to other guys.

Buy her a present.

Ogle her discreetly.

Take her to a Jane Austen film.

Concur that her Ex sounds like a boring fuck.

Consider giving her a ruffie.

Agree with all her bullshit.

Go dancing.

Do the sweet talking.

Give her the sweet last night kiss.

And….then….

Nothing.

Instead some egg head in glasses sweeps in and shags her with nerdy boring sex.

It’s heart breaking.

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Oct 19 2008
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7, the number of death to a kiwi

New Zealand haven’t been to the Sub to play test cricket in 4 years.

They are playing like they haven’t ever been there, or heard about it, or seen a catalogue.

Shakib Al Hasan, who was accidentally ignored yesterday, is taking New Zealand apart like a child playing with lego.

His 7/36 in the first innings was nasty, hot, and juicy, and it gave Bangladesh the chance to win the game.

Then when his brethren failed with the bat, he said “No”.

And all of New Zealand heard him.

His 71, is the highest score and then some in a total of 8/180.

Not even Aaron Redmund could get him out.

He was the 7th wicket to faul with the score on 175.

Apparently he likes the number 7.

When we spoke to him after stumps he had this to say,

“I garner my strength from the number 7, it sustains me, it makes me whole, I must bow to its whims, when I wake up, at 7, I feel like a wild animal intent on destruction, and the ladies, the ladies, they can smell the 7 on me, it sucks them in, they want the essence of 7, they want to smell it, touch it, rub it all over their elbows.”

So in the last innings, when he casually bowls Bangladesh to Victory, he may pick up figures of 7/7.

That would be romantic.

Daniel Vettori, brainy crumpet, is going for a ten wicket haul, and already has a half century in this match.

If only he had one other team mate.

They will be chasing 250-270, and on current form, on a spinning pitch, with the number 7 in the air, and being that they seem to have no idea what they are doing, you would give them no hope.

But, with Taylor and McCullum in the side, anything under three hundred could get a real fright.

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Oct 18 2008
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New Zealand, sans trou

As an Australian I should be disappointed today.

But there are three things that stop me from being so.

Siddle & White taking wickets.

The debut of a leg spinner of high class in Mishra.

And New Zealand’s predicament in Chittagong.

I will cover the others later.

But New Zealand are in all sorts of shit.

90 runs behind with one wicket in hand.

Jamie Siddons will be a smug son of a bitch today, and quite rightly.

Bangladesh made it to 245 with mehrab singing his way to 80 odd, and Rahim getting to 70odd.

Then Daniel Vettori’s men collapsed to the Max.

They were 7/100 when Oram went out.

They are now 9/155.

And the old man of Bangladeshi cricket Abdur razzak at 26 took a superlative inspiring 6/31.

For some reason, he has been held back from test ricket, although that might never happen gain.

Correction: Shakib Al Hasan took 6 wickets, but am leaving the other bit in, cause i like Razzak, so it’s like positive reinforcement.

If it wasn’t for Vettori on 48 not out, New Zealand would have the reddest ass in Bangladesh tonight.

Plus he also took a 5 for as well.

He is New Zealand cricket this week.

New Zealand are still close enough if they are good enough.

But are they good enough?

I hope not, because that would be funny.
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Oct 14 2008
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Kiwi, the meaning of which is grit and determination

We all know how hard it is to come from behind and win.

It takes fortitude, strength of character, a certain canny nature, and big ‘clang clang’ balls.

New Zealand has all that in spades, bucket loads of the stuff.

One down against the monster force of nature that Is Bangladesh

Once you wake up Crashraful, you are in for a world of pain.

And that is not even mentioning the Bangladeshi Jamie Siddons Siddique, or marauding Mashrafe Mortaza.

They are a team chock full of weapons, and Daniel Vettori knew this going in.

He was on the ball, his mind on the job, and taking it one match at a time, while the rest of you were taking the piss.

Unfortunately the full force of Bangladesh cricket hit him square between the eyes like a mini hurricane of brass knuckles.

By the time he had left the bloody canvas New Zealand were one zip down.

But it takes a big knockout blow to take Daniel Vettori’s merry men down.

And somehow, with the grace of the aliens, Daniel not only broke even with them, but pushed ahead for a victory.

The joy.

The jubilation.

The sweet taste of victory against an opposition of the ultimate class when your back is not to the wall, but through the wall and down the street cowering in a corner.

New Zealand, we applaud you.

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Oct 06 2008
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Daniel Vettori’s fantastical magical tour

New Zealand have flown to Bangladesh.

They are going to play cricket there, try and contain your excitement.

Daniel Vettori hasn’t arrived in Bangladesh though.

He has arrived at some wonderfully magic place full of fairy floss, golden nipples and test match standard cricketers.

A place so special and exciting money does grow on trees, you can buy bottled monkeys, prostitutes give you the first visit for free and Swedish models lick your toes everyday, and twice on Thursdays.

This is what Daniel ‘I’ve lost his frame of reference’ Vettori has said about his special place.

“I think most countries who come to Bangladesh know they are in for a difficult time.”

He is right, the commute from Dhaka international to the Dhaka Hilton is arduous, and who can be bothered with that after a long flight on Ansett.

“Their record may not be great but they have [Mashrafe], Mortaza, Shahadat [Hossain] and Abdur Razzak and it is a nice bowling line-up in their own conditions.”

He means ‘nice’ in the, ‘what does she look like, she is a very nice person’, sort of way.

“They are going to be a formidable opposition for us”

Have checked the thesaurus and formidable can also mean horrible.

“We expect to win the series but we also know that it is going to be a tough challenge.”

A tough challenge, like opening the second pack of peanuts when your hands are slippery from the first pack.

“If we are not on top of our game then they can upset us. That’s the thing we are trying to avoid here.”

The phrase ‘top of our game’ is interesting.

“Bangladesh know their conditions better than anyone and it is up to us to make sure that we are on the same level as them.”

They know their conditions better than anyone else, those cunning buggers.

Daniel, you enjoy your tour of wonderment, balloons, and magical gratification, while the rest of the team tours Bangladesh.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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