Tagged with daniel flynn …

Oct 26 2010
18 Comments
indians, kiwis

How the kiwis can beat the Indians

There are a lot of cocky Indian supporters out there who think they are just going to crush New Zealand because they are crap.  It’s a belief grounded in firm logic.

However, no team is unbeatable, even by a bunch of semi amateur miscreants wearing black caps.

To help the Kiwis I’ve devised a blueprint on how they can beat India.

Sachin

OK, so actually winning will be hard, but there are other things you can do to save face.  I suggest that every press gathering be used to abuse Sachin Tendulkar.  Call him a paedophile, suggest he beats old woman, say you saw him pissing on a beggar, anything you can think of that will piss off Indians so much that they ask you to leave the country.  Don’t say Ponting is better than him, as that might result in death.

Raelians

It has been a long time since the Raelians outed themselves as Cloners of humans.  And no sports team has really cashed in on this.  Think of a squad with 3 Hadlees, 2 Bonds, 3 Vettoris, 2 Flemings, 3 Sutcliffes and 2 M Crowes.  Plus the Raelians claim they can clone the dead, so bring Walter Hadlee and Bob Blair back for guidance and inspiration.  You could also clone a friend for Adam Parore as well.

Humanoids

Those sad and lonely Japanese scientists have all the technology to replicate a human, now all you need to do is amp the shit up on their right shoulder, turning them into bowling machines.  Just tell the media that one of your bowlers in injured, and that you are replacing them with a 7 foot 4 sheep farmer from Wannafuk.  That should explain the awkward nature of him.   It doesn’t even need to be automated, just get the player with the best skills on xbox to control this monster.  While you are there buy some lovely lady humanoids as well, you know, for those lonely tours.

Drugs

Don’t day no, say hell yes.  Embrace the performance-enhancing and enhance your shit. There must be performance-enhancing drugs that people can’t test for these days.  So find a dealer and get all East German on it.  And don’t give me that crap that performance enhancing drugs don’t help in cricket, pump them in your veins and then watch your miss hits go over the rope while your third testicle pops out of your neck.

Lalit

Bring him back.  Come to London, find his flat, bring him back to India.  Ross Taylor could do it; I’ve always assumed that he would be a good spy if not one-dimensional spy.  Once Lalit is back everyone will be talking about that, and how Kiwis are heroes.  Getting thrashed in the series will become a very small story.

Human cannon ball

Daniel Flynn isn’t doing much these days.  Take a look at him; no man is more suited to being a human cannonball than he is.  So use him.  Fire him at Sehwag, VVS, Dhoni, Sachin and Che before each test.  The worst outcome is that Daniel Flynn won’t play test cricket anymore. And since I’m one of his 7 fans, most people won’t care. Also, human cannonballs are fun.

Obviously some of these plans are slightly flawed, but they would be fun.

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Feb 26 2010
21 Comments
general balls

stumps

As seen on cricinfo; inspired by the dude who asked about saw:

One killer. Five cricketers. One house. Who will last?

When Virender Sehwag, and four other cricketers who aren’t Virender Sehwag, wake up in an old creepy mansion they have to face the toughest test of their lives.

Virender, Sulieman, Brad, Daniel, and Shahid all find themselves victims of cruel cricket related horror madness. Are they willing to change the way they play the game to survive. This is the horror film that puts the balls in the right area.

Sulieman Benn wakes up in the end of a hallway, it is pitch black but when he moves a TV screen appears on the roof above him. A blood covered skull moves its jaw bone and says:

“Hello, Sulieman. You are a humble, sane and talented international finger spinner yet you constantly bump into the opposition, trip players up or get in physical entanglements; in Australia you did all three. Did you do it for your team or did you just want some attention? Tonight, you’ll show me. The irony is that if you want to die you just have to have to behave as normal, but if you want to live, you’ll have to walk down this hallway and not bump into any of my friends who are all set up to explode at the smallest of touches, you might survive one bump, but not two.  The door is open at the other end of the hallway; it will be for the next two minutes, the time that your over is supposed to be bowled in if you are playing sensibly.”

A solitary light is turned on and it swings from side to side illuminating all the entire hallway of mechanical creatures that is in store for him and the open door at the end.

Daniel wakes up with his arms and head in a dry plastic tube and the rest of his body in a tank of water.  He struggles a bit, which triggers a voice recording:

“Hello Daniel. If you are tough enough to get hit in the face and then still want to bat in a test match, why don’t you just prove it? Let’s put your so-called “toughness” to the test.  In a few seconds a ball machine will start firing balls into your face, for every one you dodge or deflect will release a fresh water crocodile into the water.  If you are tough, you will take all the balls on the face and make it to the other end of the tank safely, press the water release button, if not, the crocodiles will eat you alive. Each ball will come at 90MPH, Jimmy Anderson pace.”

Brad awakes in a room filled with old machinery he has a letter around his neck.

“Welcome, Brad.  You’ve got fast hands, don’t you?  Now we are going to test them for once and all.  In each of these machines is a key, you will need all six keys to open the door, but the machines will crush the key if you are too late.  If you miss one key the door will never open and you will be stuck here to think about your past digressions until the air runs out.  If you get your hands stuck in the machine, you will be sucked in and crushed.  You’ve gotten away with manoeuvres like this before, think you can again, Brad?”

Shahid wakes up tied up in a body length straight jacket with a weird metal contraption on his head, written in chalk next to him is:

“Hello Shahid. You don’t know me, but I know you. I know you like to use your mouth, but could you use it to save your life? On the table in front of you is a ball of razor wire, inside the ball is a remote control that will release your shackles and open the door.  Since you are such an expert I am sure you won’t cut yourself too much or accidentally slit your throat.  You have 11 minutes, the average amount of time you spend batting, after that the machine on your head will bite your head in half.”

Virender wakes up chained to a vat of yellow liquid with a tape recorder in his pocket:

“Virender, this is your wake-up call. Everyday you embarrass other cricketers by playing shot after shot. Now you will have to change your game.  Your aim in this game is to dead bat the balls, so that the sulphuric acid vat positioned behind you does not break and pour onto you.  If you miss a ball, you will die, if you hit the ball too hard you will die, if you rush forward you will die.  For once you will have to play the anchor role. When you have gotten to the red button at the end of the room the ball machine will stop and your restraints will be released, but to get out of the room you will have to take a blunt axe to the body of an unconscious bowler who is chained in front of your small exit door.  From the time you press the red button you have 2 minutes to dismantle the bowler, if you don’t the vat then the Vat will time out and just release its contents in the room. You have destroyed many a bowler with your bat, can you do it with an axe?”

The first ball fires short and wide of Virender.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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Sep 08 2009
ashes, aussies

The real Mitchell Johnson

During the Ashes I said that the real Mitchell Johnson never turned up.

He couldn’t, he was busy.

I bet his teeth are huge and white

As a few of the balls fans on twitter pointed out, this one was more consistent and better at hitting his targets.

It should also be pointed out that a current New Zealand cricketer thought this Mitchell Johnson looked like Daniel Flynn.

You decide.

flynn can now say he looks like mitchell johnson

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Mar 25 2009
indians, kiwis

God to captain

Napier is where it happened, as holy a place as any.

MS Dhoni is out, a back problem.

Did anyone know this was even a possibility.

I was reading waffle about Craig McMillan booth work.

Fungus on the pitch.

Sachin’s off drives.

Flynn’s hand and How’s record.

Kyle Mills saying he wasn’t up to it.

But where were the stories about Dhoni and a back complaint that could leave him out of  the side?

It matters not now, Our Prophet, Our God, Our spiritual Guide is in charge.

And now, even more so than before, India cannot lose.

Praise be to the Leader of Sehwagology, your Sehwagologists are on your side.

How you gonna beat God, son?


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Mar 24 2009
indians, kiwis

Daniel Flynn must play

Not just in this test.

But in all tests for the next 2 years for the Kiwis.

Forget injuries, and forgive form.

He is the number 3 the Kiwis need.

And he is a hard little man, hard little men need to put in harms way, even when they are injured.

New Zealand has had a history of soft players.

No Jacob that wasn’t a jibe at you.

But Flynn is differernt.

He is a gutter cricketer, he will end days with bruises, scars, broken bones.

But if the Kiwis let him, he will come back the next day, and the day after that, and the….

He is gritty, nuggety, and fierce.

So play him when he is injured.

If his hand is crushed by riser from the Adams Apple, he must play in the next match.

If he gets a hit to the face, and loses a few more teeth, he must continue to bat.

If a flock of rogue truck drivers run him over on the field, he must continue to play.

Jamie How is a quality batsman.

Daniel Flynn is a tick.

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Mar 17 2009
kiwis

To fix or not to fix?

New Zealand has seen the destructive power of India with the bat, and they are scared.

Green and Low? Sportsfreak talks about the sort of wickets the kiwis are brought up on.


Much debate over the last few days as to whether New Zealand should pull the 2002 card out from under the bottom of the pack, and produce pitches that are going to favour the home side, or at very least make it a lottery.

Today, we put forwards the case for doctoring.

The kind of doctoring

We are not talking about a traditional WACA or Sabina Park green-top here.

Someone might die, and that is hardly playing into the hands of a seam attack with an average pace of around 130kph.

What we are talking about is the kind of pitch offered up for the 1992 World Cup.

Plenty of weird and wonderful random sideways movement, minimal bounce, and even less pace. Just like we got at Eden Park on Saturday.

Will flat tracks work?

No they won’t.

India showed during the ODI series that this New Zealand attack poses no threats on batting friendly pitches.

It wasn’t just Sehwag either. All of them, including the 4 who played in domestic cricket (making about 8 of them) showed that these TV-friendly new age NZ pitches with their lack of sideways movement and perfect bounce are just like a favourite IPL pitch.

Vettori offers his subtleties to add some variation, but the rest of the “attack” picked for Hamilton need help badly.

Mind Games

Most of the Indian top order were here last time. As soon as a ball jags a bit those demons and memories will start coming back. Seaming tracks are at their most dangerous when you’re scared of them.

Brent Arnel

Why pick him if you’re not going to water the pitch?

Short tests are fun

Lets face it, the 2002 Indian series was memorable. Too much test cricket these days is played on batting friendly roads that provides a tedious mismatch between bat and ball.

The recent West Indies v England series had a couple of tense finishes, but in between that there was a lot of tedium of Strauss and Chanderpaul nudging their way to hig scores.

But England getting bowled out for 51 was fun. Really fun.

Ishant Sharma

Adam’s Apple’s hype is based around 2 things. The counterbalance of throat and mullet, and the serious working over of the then world’s best batsman at Perth last year.

That Perth pitch was one of the great ones. Fast, bouncy, and pretty true. But Sharma was able to extract every bit of venom out of it, and use his class and height to utilise a very good pitch.

Why would we want to let him do that again?

Keep it low and slow and he’s taken out of the match.

We might also get to see some more of last Saturday’s theatrics.

Daniel Flynn

Flynn is gutsy and has a pretty good technique. But we have seen that when it gets up from a length he tends to eat it.

Put him in on a slow seamer and he’s got the technique when rocking onto the front foot to know when to leave, and when to play.

He is better placed to handle this than most out there.

Jacob Oram

It is hard to know what might one day motivate Oram to play test cricket again. But the sight of the ball doing strange things when bowled gently might be the one thing that could do it.

Iain O’Brien’s Blog

We’re sick of all those Indian schoolkids gloating over there.

Because we can

Call it regaining some sovereignty.

Next: A much shorter analysis of why we shouldn’t.


Visit Sportsfreak; they pull out of less tests than Jacob Oram.

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Dec 16 2008
Uncategorized

Daniel Flynn’s fan club

Someone typed this into google and found their way here.

If there is a Daniel Flynn fan club, can Daniel’s mum please put the details in the comments.

Cheers.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Dec 11 2008
Uncategorized

flynn’s magic number

When Daniel Flynn batted in the middle order he looked like a fridge magnet stuck to a cork board.

Not a pretty or funny fridge magnet, but a working one that if it was on the fridge could hold up a bill.

Ofcourse it struggled to do that on a board, being a magnet and all.

But now Moles is on board, he has worked out a way to work out the Kiwi batting order.

It’s only early on, and against no great attack, but already Flynn looks more at home.

He is still waving his bat around instead of employing a backswing, and still looks a little kooky, but at 3 he bats like a batsman.

In the middle order he bats like a waste of bodily fluids.

He isn’t the only player to ever find himself by changing positions, but being that Bracewell liked to change batsmen and keepers around like a dyslexic lucky dip, you’d have to question why Flynn never got a go at 3 in the pre Moles era.

Whether he is a test match number 3 or not has not been answered, but he is one from one, and that is better than most.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 28 2008
Uncategorized

one out of six aint bad

There is only one batsman in the New Zealand top six who is not test level.

And he top scored yesterday.

How has a lot of talent, usually a good temperament, and a defensive technique you could build a hospital on.

Ryder has a great eye, uncomplicated footwork, an dthe potential to be a top test batsman/drunkard.

Taylor is their best batsman talent wise, and could be a future superstar if he plays straight.

Peter Fulton is no superstar, but there is no reason he couldn’t set himself up in the Paul Collingwood or Michael Hussey mode, cutting out all the risks, and average at least 40 at test level.

And little Daniel Flynn with all that toughness, and not a lot of shots can be a bastard to get out.

The one who isn’t good enough is Redmund, but on the flat pitch, he made the most out of what he had.

He defended when he had to, he attacked when he could, and eventually he just went beyond his skill level.

So what about the others?

How chased a wide one, Ryder had a loss of concentration, and Fulton never looked like his mind was right.

Flynn and Taylor were worked over by clever bowlers.

There is a top 6 there, but you need 500 in the first innings a Radelaide, unless you are England, and unless something magical happens, they are going to come up short.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 21 2008
Uncategorized

the piach

What sort of wicket are they playing on?

It looks ok.

The ball is not doing anything lethal.

No one can say the bounce or movement is uneven or over the top, and yet no one can make runs on it.

New Zealand couldn’t even bat out two sessions.

Australia might not last much more.

Other than Clarke, Katich and Flynn no one has spent any real time on it.

The journalists are already starting their “no one can play on proper pitch campaigns”, and who can blame them.

Anyone who has seen this test will know that this is not an old fashioned green top.

It’s just that modern batsmen are preserved in cling wrap by never having to play on pitches with life.

This pitch looks like a good one.

Katich seems to have worked it out, and he isn’t in the top 8 most talented batsmen in this match.

The Krab is a street fighter, no doubt, sure I bag him a lot, but most of that is technique based and to do with leaving his home state to captain another.

But the man is a low down and dirty mother fucker, and he seems to have worked this pitch out.

Flynn is in the Katich mould, I have compared him to Langer before, he is a tough sonofabitch.

Not a great deal of talent there, and at times the attacking instincts of an amish assassin, but he is gritty.

So while the pretty boys with their gold cased averages and reputations falter, the ugly bastards are stepping up.

That used to be what happened on green tops, not wickets with a little Winslet curve to them.

And none of this explains Michael Clarke’s 98.

[THE REST OF THE POST HERE]

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www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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