For a normal dictator that is annexing an island or stealing the mascot of your neighbour, for a cricket dictator who selects the team, coach, and selectors while designing the team shirt, making sure Jesse is locked to his bed and that Adam Parore doesn’t slate him daily it’s getting wins on the board.

Like most Dictators, Dan Vettori took on too much.

Vettori was right to rename Tuesday Vettoriday, set the record straight on gay players, cut the team’s oranges, start wearing a leopard skin fez and rewriting the bible to make Jesus a left arm finger spinner who makes more runs than you’d expect from someone of his stylistic devoid play.

The problem is that while he was doing these important things, others were scheming.

If Shakespeare has taught us little more than to kill yourself before you check your partner’s pulse, it’s shown us that people scheme to get power.

I can imagine it now, while Dan Vettori was hosting a benefit party for Scott Stryis’ thighs, Greatbatch (his ally) and Wright (the mercenary) were hatching a plot. I can see them cackling as Wright stirred a big pot of L&P and Greatbatch ate his fush and chup pavlova.

Poor Dan, just trying to rule in a pseudo-benevolent manner so his country had a chance, was shot down in cold blood.

No longer the defacto coach, no longer a selector at all, now just a normal captain who has to do nothing other than play, train, travel and say clichés.

How the mightily organised and overworked have fallen.

Justin Vaughan is yet to release a statement about this change in supreme leader, only because he is too busy cleaning out the blood from Vettori’s whites.

Alas, poor Dan! I knew him, Justin.

The cricket sadist.

Mr O’Brien put in about three drafts of his chapter, which is probably more than I had for the book in total.

He was a busy writer, offering alterations, trying to get it the best he could, really putting in the full 100% percent and taking it one word at a time.

But I didn’t make him write the whole book.

That would have been rude.

He did his part, got it right, and then I let him rest.

That seems to be the problem with New Zealand’s top order, they let their bowlers shoot out Pakistan for under 300, and then a couple of hours later make the bowlers try and save the day.

Their opening batsmen don’t seem to be able to survive an over.

The rest of their batsmen seem to hope Ross Taylor will do the job.

Then Prince Brendon and Dictator Dan have to make as many runs as they can with tired bowlers.

Not fair.

Generally with New Zealand if you want to know what total they will make, you take their total at 4 wickets down, and triple it.

And it isn’t like their tail is like England’s (IE: better than their top order), their tail has the worst batsmen in world cricket (Martin), test cricket’s greatest blogger but shit batsman (IOB), and Daryl Tuffey.

Not a lot of fire power there.

In the old days they might have even declared at 8 wickets down.

These guys bowl, bat and blog, while their batsmen don’t even fucken bat.

Not good enough.

I suggest that all the Kiwi bowlers decide to not bat from here on in until their top order starts making runs. A simple, “fuck you guys, we’re tired”, will suffice. They’ll get the message after a while.

Obviously Dictator Dan doesn’t have to; we know he would go mental if one of his many jobs were taken away. He probably edits IOB’s blog at night as well.

But the rest of them just together and declare the innings shut at 7 wickets down. Force the batsmen to take the handle out of their asses and really try and use it.

New Zealand cricket is now a fascist regime.

One man is calling the shots, pulling the strings, making the coffee and wearing the glasses.

There is no reason to name this person, Daniel Vettori, we all know who he is.

In some countries that would be tolerated, nay, celebrated in a cricket captain.

Not in New Zealand. They are a democratic nation who believes that no one man should have this much power.

So they need someone to come in and grab a bit of power back.

Someone arrogant, ridiculously self assured, a self made man, one who won’t take shit from any librarians, and is from a country that provides the world with cricket coaches.

Exactly.

Dan can stick his player power up his ass.

A few drinks with Jesse, some blogging tips to IOB, watch a few episodes of cops with Shane Bond, get Flynn a gold tooth, and your already half way there.

Easy as.

Then a few subtle put downs to Dan.

Remind him of how stupid you need to be injured in Adelaide and still field at mid off. How he almost losing to Bangladesh. Mention that little Nathan and the Gimp Harris both have a better test bowling average. And then ask him what it is like to be compared to a pasty English teenager for most of his career.

Then maybe I’d get a choker chain, put it on him, and any time Dan got out of bounds I’d just give him a quick tightening of the chain.

Justin Vaughan would approve of this method.