Tagged with dan christian …

May 19 2009
ashes

The Australian Squad for the Ashes in a parallel universe

The test squad for the Ashes seems pretty worked out, bar the two all rounders.

But what of the parallel universe, as they prepare for their series, we take a look through the wormhole at the make up of their team.

In that universe they pick squads on Tuesday. Obviously.

M North (captain) – Having cemented his captaincy after Shane Warne’s retirement he fires up the team with sensible slogans and common sense captaincy.

C White (vice captain) – When Cameron is not poisoning North’s meals he is the number 7 Australia has been waiting for since Ian Harvey retired, and his big turning leg breaks are unplayable.

S Katich – This stylish batsman doesn’t make many runs, but when he makes runs, the whole world sighs in orgasmic delight.

M Klinger – Struggling to perform as a Jew, Klinger has had the best run of his life since converting to Satanism.

B Hodge – Although suspected in the deaths of many of Australia’s best young batsmen, Hodge has never been charged, and his form is as good as ever. The selectors love his good nature ribbing.

D Hussey – Inspired by the tragic auto erotic asphyxiation of his brother, David becomes the worlds most dominant stroke maker.

M Cosgrove – Even though Cosgrove’s form is poor, he is selected for the tour on the basis that he gets his weight back up to over 120kgs. Coach Darren Lehmann remains confident he can gain the weight and form.

D Christian – Australia decide to follow the South African example and set a quota of one Aboriginal player in every test. After poor results bringing Jason Gillespie and Ryan Campbell out of retirement, they settle for Dan Christian, and find that he is shit hot.

L Carseldine – Is now technically steel than flesh, but the ICC is slow to move on banning bionic cricketers, and Lee’s metal torso body and titanium legs will be allowed in the ashes.

C Hartley – Is the best keeper in the world, averages 12 with the bat, but everyone knows you take the best keeper regardless of batting quality.

S Tait – Australia finally get the best out of Shaun Tait by employing Rodney Hogg as his full time carer. The two fall in love and get married in the lunacy room.

B McGain – Was humiliated by losing his test spot in South Africa after missing the flight over, but is fired up to star in his first test against England.

M Inness – Even though he had retired, experts realise that Matthew’s first class average was 2fucken5 and pick him for the tour.

D Pattinson – The man the Ashes hopes rely on. His 26 wickets against South Africa in only 3 tests was just about perfect fast bowling.

D Marsh – Some would say that Dan is an odd choice, especially since he is retired, but Chief Selector Rod Marsh said “we needed a hard bastard to toughen these fuckers up”.  Is picked to be the back up keeper/spinner/batsman.

They should do well against Rob Key’s England.

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Dec 12 2008
general balls

Redbacks go Paki (australian use of the word, not the english racist version) crazy

When I was in Australia no one seemed to care much about Pakistanis.

I blamed it all on a guy who played at my club who would appeal and send you off in the nets by the Salman.

No one liked Salman, ofcourse little of this had to do with his nationality, and mostly the sending off in the nets, and for those few unlucky enough to bat with him, his complete lack of single taking when he was facing until the last ball of the over.

But now Salman, or as I tried to nick name him, the big fish, has departed from club cricket, Pakistanis are finally getting a fair go.

It all stared with Usman Khawaja from NSWales.

Who in being picked for NSWales, has been the first Pakistani born cricketer to ever play for Australia, if you catch my drift.

Then South Australia couldn’t find any more talented players in NSWales or Victoria, so they went looking overseas, and found Younis Elvis Khan.

Khan has contributed a respectable 217 runs (one hungy, one fitty) @ 43 in 3 matches, but has spent most of his time watching the Hebrew Hammer Klinger bat.

So he has really earnt his money.

But he has other commitments mid season, or whatever, and so South Australia thought they would dip back into the well, and since its 2020 season, and Graham Napier is buys in Wellington they have picked Sohail Tanvir (subject to the indians not touring Pakistan).

The worlds best 2020 bowler, just pipping out Dirty Dirk Nannes for the title.

Since when has Adelaide been so into the brown sugar?

Since they produced Australia’s first ever aboriginal test cricketer, I spose, but this season they will have had one aboriginal player in my man daniel christian, and two Pakistanis.

Not too mention Michael Klinger, who is not called the Hebrew Hammer because he looks like Adam Goldberg.

They will perhaps be the most multicultural first class team in Australia since Richard Chee Quee (China), played alongside Greg Matthews (fuck knows).

If nothing else this does open up the One Aboriginal, Two Pakistanis and a Jew walk into a bar jokes.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Oct 01 2008
shield cricket

the Sheffield Shield, brought to you by a soggy breakfast: SA

SA, the South Australian bare backs

Players that wont be available for large chunks of the season

Um, maybe Shaun Tait.

South Australia will have a full strength side, which for them still isn’t much.

Last year there best player was Ryan Harris, who is in Queensland now.

Gillespie, Blewett, Elliott, and Lehmann are all gone.

So is Nathan Adcock, but thats a good thing.

Hard to see them getting to much better, they went on a huge recruiting drive and all the ended up with was two fringe players from Victoria and a bunch of players barely in the squad in NSWales.

Leadership

Well after the leadership debacle that was Nathan Adcock South Australia have picked the logical option.

Graham Manou isn’t going to be dropped, and last year was probably the best batsman, and second best player behind Harris.

Good leader, but probably not the best captain going around.

Bowling

A full year of Shaun Tait will be handy. Only a handful of state cricketers have ever taken over 70 wickets in a year and he is one.

Guys like Rofe, Wise and Clearly are all just state players, and none of which are match winning bowlers.

The two Cullens, Bailey and Daniel, are still around. Wouldn’t be great if one of them took wickets this year.

Batting

The two imports, Younis Khan and Michel Klinger, will probably be the best two batsman in this side.

They might have issues though, one being a muslim, and one being a jew. Throw in Christian at 5, an aboriginal, and you have the minority middle order.

Mark Cosgrove is the only other batsman who is legit. So he becomes mega important, especially when Khan goes home.

Their top order is so fragile, that they might have to take drastic measures and play Michael Vaughan after Younis Khan pisses off.

As if buying Klinger wasn’t embarrassing enough.

Long in the tooth

If this isn’t Paul Rofe’s last year, South Australia will be shit for at least two more years.

Ready to shed the nappies

No real young players who inspire me with confidence, but I am a big fan of Daniel Christian, a batting all rounder who bowls into the 140’s.

Nostradamus

Shield

5th.

One day

5th.

2020

4th.

The rub

They were rubbish last year, but they will have to improve, wont they?

The Hayden Christensen XI

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Jul 10 2008
general balls

select this

The Australian 30 man squad for the ICC show me the money Knockout cup is out.

30 man squads are a waste of column inches.

So let me waste a few inches.

After years of producing less Australian cricketers the certain grade clubs in Sydney and Melbourne, suddenly Tasmania is a force.

The smiling George Bailey, Brett Geeves and his terrific hair cut, the stutter stepping Xavier Doherty, and the entomologist Tim Paine.

If you count Ricky Ponting (which I don’t) that means 5 of the top 30 one day cricketers in the country are from Tasmania.

Quite an effort.

None of these 4 newcomers are anywhere near playing for Australia, but are all very good cricketers.

Even if they are Tasmanians.

So it got me thinking, if the squad for Pakistan (assuming Australia go) will end up being this, give or take.

Ponting, Clarke, Marsh, Watson, Hussey, Hayden, Symonds, Haddin, Hopes, Lee, Bracken, Clark, Johnson, White, Hussey.

So I thought I would pick a second 15 from those who will probably miss out.

Luke Ronchi, wicket keeper and gun opener. Ask the Windies and the Mumbai Indian net bowlers.

Tim Paine, back up wicket keeper, and excellent opening batsman. Ronchi brings the fire works and he brings the class.

Brad Hodge, occasionally I bag Brad Hodge, but he is the second best number batsman in Australia, which makes him one of the best batsmen in the world.

Adam Voges, Vice Captain, has played for Australia before and in England would be a very fine middle order batsman.

George Bailey, smiles a lot, probably because he knows he can bat well, had an ordinary year, but I predict big things from his selection in my second XI.

Dan Marsh, best Tasmanian captain in Australia, still makes runs, still takes wickets, and still is a fat fucker.

Ashley Noffke, his one day form is generally ordinary, but if he can average 50 with the bat in shield cricket I am happy with him at 7, bowling first change, or whenever wickets are needed.

Ryan Harris, the big fella with shoulders made of granite, needed big shoulders from all his carrying of South Australia,

Brett Geeves, the quickie from Tasmania, not a bad guy to have coming in at 9 either.

Xavier Doherty, I would pick stutter step over Cullen, and Hauritz, a wicket taker who can bowl left arm orthodox at the death, handy to have.

Shaun Tait, from memory, before his “exhaustion” took a few wickets in a world cup.

Brendan Drew, 12th dude, bowls quick, and doesn’t mind the odd long hard hit.

Squad members.

Bryce McGain, leading ford ranger wicket taker, and also another old head around the change room.

Dan Christian, project player, averaged 44 with the bat this year and bowls quicker than Stuart Clark, and about one millionth as straight or well.

Andrew McDonald, quiet year this year, but was in the 30 man squad for the world cup, and is one of those rare all rounders that takes wickets and makes runs regularly.

Would be interesting to see where it would come in the ICC knock out.

This team would never be picked though, way too many guys under 30 in it, and only two NSWelshman, who now play for other states.

Apologies to Dirty Dirk, Theo Doropolous, Mark Cosgrove, Aaron Heal and Douggie Bollinger.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Mar 11 2008
Uncategorized

more less exciting auctions

The IPL has had a second auction.

Now each team has 48 international players, but only a maximum of 4 can play at any one time.

I have no idea what the hell is going on, but I did notice that a couple of Australian domestic cricketers got scooped up.

Luke Pomersbach, the man who played for Australia when Brad Hogde couldn’t put his pants on, got selected for 50,000 cheesels.

That is a bargain buy.

This boy hits the ball like its some punk who stole his girl.

Ofcourse he will need to be kept away from the bar.

Brett Geeves from Tasmania was also selected. He is one of my favourite cricketers at the moment. Can bowl mid to high 140’s, swings from the hip with the bat and also quite god with a quip when miked up.

Although does have a very odd hair cut.

He also was a great price at 50,000 as well.

Shane Watson went for 125,000 clams, which I assume is to be a team mascot, he will be shown naked and lubed up for the ladies of India (and some men) to admire.

If the IPL are still looking for players I think there are a couple that could be worth the 50,000 pesos they are throwing around.

Dan Christian from South Australia. Bowls at about 140, but is a batsmen. Can hit a long ball, and generally bats like his house is burning down.

Adam Crosthwaite/Andrew McDonald from Victoria, both big hitters, who can keep and bowl at a high respectively. Plus Adam is willing to claim anything that may look like a catch. Downside, Andrew has red hair.

Brendan Drew from Tasmania is one hell of a quick bowler, who if i remember correctly had Sri Lanka in all sorts of trouble. Bowls quick and straight, and whilst not a batsmen, can hit long and hard.

Luke Ronchi and Theo Doropolous are both big hitting young dudes from Wa. Ronchi has the added advantage of being a pretty good keep, Theo has the added advantage of a cool greek name.

Welcome to Australia where every cricketer is a bargain.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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