cricket with balls

There are some things a Jesse Ryder comeback can fix, and some he can’t. Jesse can fill your heart with butterflies and lollipops, but he can’t stop spot-fixing.

Neither can the ICC, nor the BCCI. Bruce Wayne and Frank Castle couldn’t stop it.

The BCCI and ICC aren’t police agencies. They don’t have a legal right to hack players’ phones. They can’t shout, “You’re under arrest, sugar” or break down a door. They are governing bodies who regulate which umpires stand in which match, and tell batsmen off for the size of their stickers.

The ICC is not Jimmy McNulty and Lester Freamon from The Wire. It writes press releases, organises tournaments and helps umpires with their mobile phone problems. The chances are its officials don’t know how to clone a pager, will never feel comfortable bugging an office, and would not handle being undercover all that well.

The only way to really find match-fixing is with stupid players. It’s the biggest chance cricket authorities have of finding fixers. Everything else is massively out of their world.

Unless you give the Anti-Corruption and Security Unit photos of text messages between a bookie and a player that included comments like, “Yes, I will spot-fix the 37th over, the go-ahead sign will be me wearing a bow tie and doing a cartwheel in my run, please have the war bonds in my safety deposit box by Tuesday”, it’s hard for the ASCU to be anything more than a blind hall monitor.

People are, at their core, inherently evil. You don’t have to see Andre Nel’s follow-through to understand this. And people like things.

So fixing will happen.

The IPL doesn’t need to be shut down, any more than Test or county cricket did when they were involved. Cricket just needs to keep accidentally uncovering fixing through third parties or general incompetence. We can all be suspicious at times, but unless they accidentally tweet their fixing, we probably won’t have much evidence.

Of course it isn’t just the fans who lose out. What about the poor advertisers who have placed their precious brand recognition in the hands of these players? Kent R-O Systems has withdrawn its ads featuring Sreesanth.

Shiv Sena, cricket’s favourite political party, has made statements about the IPL fixing case. Now, you could say, “Why?” But don’t, just read this.

“T20 may have given fame and money to many new players but it has also opened a new window of gambling and sex racket in the country. The Kauravas in the cricket are destroying an entire generation”. That was written an editorial in Saamna, a newspaper owned by the Sena. It added, “Cricket is no longer a gentleman’s game and has no connect with patriotism.”

Cricket is no longer a gentleman’s game, although, considering the laws were formed on betting, it would be safe to say the gentlemen loved a flutter themselves. Ted Pooley missed out on being England’s first wicketkeeper because he was in jail in Christchurch after being involved in a fight over a match he was betting on, and umpiring in. Although there is no evidence to say that Pooley was involved in opening a new window of a sex racket.

The PCB, probably not Shiv Sena’s favourite team, is doing what it can to stop the players from getting in a fix by employing a vigilance officer for the Champions Trophy. A vigilance officer will say things like, “Don’t put that jacket on”, “That man doesn’t need to know the weather conditions” and “All no-balls should be punished by jail time”. There is no human being who couldn’t do with a vigilance officer.

The umpires in the IPL were certainly vigilant when Yusuf Pathan was batting, and kicking. Pathan, who had dug out a yorker, was called through for a run and as the ball went straight towards the bowler, he decided to kick it away from Wayne Parnell. “I don’t think it was intentional,” is what the commentator said while Pathan’s foot opened up and dribbled the ball forward, away from the bowler to save himself. Only briefly, because shortly after, Pathan was given out obstructing the field.

Less vigilant, or maybe, who the hell can tell, was the person who needed to get the paperwork done for the new stands at the MA Chidambaram Stadium. The Chennai Corporation sealed three stands in the stadium, saying the Tamil Nadu Cricket Association was yet to get planning permission and building approval. The stands were reopened for a sellout game but are now closed again. Being that Chennai is Mr Srinivasan’s personal playground, and his job is construction, it seems like someone is trying to embarrass or bother him.

I’m pleased to announce that Enville Cricket Club’s renovations will be going ahead, although club secretary Dave Thomas said, “It has been designed so the lounge can be built at a later date.”

A club cricket incident happened in the Bangladesh-Zimbabwe T20 this week. Zimbabwe won the match and their interim coach, Stephen Mangongo, pushed Natsai Mushangwe. Mangongo had asked Mushangwe to give a message to a batsman, but instead found Mushangwe having a meal. Mushwange, who was not eating Nandos, and Mangongo have known each other for years. But there must be a part of Mushwange, a young leggie, who is happy that Mangongo has not been given the role of head coach.

Another person who may not get a role in leadership anytime soon (sorry, David, please don’t abuse me) is David Warner. Tweeting from India well after a sensible time of night, Warner attacked cricket writer Robert Crash Craddock for being a jealous p****, talking shit and sucking up asses. Then when Malcolm Conn stepped in, Warner, much like his early innings against Dale Steyn, just kept swinging, telling Conn that no one buys his shit and described him as an old fart and a goose. It seems the one thing the IPL can’t fix is an old fart.

Cricket Australia says it is aware of comments made on Warner’s Twitter account overnight. “Cricket Australia is attempting to contact Warner and will continue to investigate the matter.” I’d hope they are aware, as the comments are still on Warner’s Twitter page.

It is not yet known if Warner’s nephew has access to his Twitter account.

Warner could have used his time more effectively by listening to the Caribbean Premier League’s anthem called “How We Play”. According to the official Youtube page, “The innovative mix is sure to spawn a new genre [writer Marlon] Chen calls ‘Caribbean Dance’ – a mix of Soca, dancehall and techno music.” I hope it does, because since “C’mon Aussie C’mon”, cricket anthems have been a bit uninspiring.

Someone who is never uninspiring is Victorian Glenn Maxwell. His brilliant late run of form for Mumbai Indians has been as inspiring as any anthem. In one over against Rajasthan Royals he scored over 15 runs on his own. The over was so good, news stations around the world have picked it up and continue to show it.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. Kimber combines the best elements of each genre and the result will inevitably make you want to get up and dance.

There are people who think I just start each edition of the news hurl with Jesse Ryder in it for fun. They don’t see it as a public service announcement like I do. This week it is clearly a public service announcement, as I am telling you that if you bid on the “NEW ZEALAND Cricket JESSE RYDER Signed Bat Frame” on eBay, you will get a fake. It is not Jesse’s autograph, and the metal information plate says West Ham, and is upside down.

It’s this sort of exploiting of cricketers that cannot go on.

That is where the ECB is stepping in. This summer in the UK they have trademarked terms like “Ashes”, “Ashes Cricket 2013″, “Australian batting collapse” and “Stuart Broad’s tight groin”. The idea is to stop ambush marketing and protect the ECB’s IP. Much like they in the Olympics. Of course, ambush marketing is impossible to stop. If someone wants Michael Vaughan to be the face of a men’s nail polish line this summer, as long as the trademarked words aren’t used and the nail polish can find enough money to tempt Vaughan, they can exploit the Ashes fever even without the magic words.

Wasim Akram might be a better choice for a men’s beauty product. It was Akram who suggested Pakistani stylist Nabila Ahmed give a lecture to young fast bowlers about the importance of good hair. According to Akram, “a good hairstyle and good dress add to your confidence and it can play a very good role in giving someone much-needed confidence.” It would be easy to mock this, but as Michael Holding, Dennis Lillee, Kapil Dev and Keith Miller have shown us, good hair can make the fast bowler. But Glenn McGrath had a nerdy kindergarten haircut for most of his career, and even mulleted up un-ironically at times. So sometimes talent is also important.

Even with rubbish hair, McGrath was also “cool” enough to inspire SAFM radio host Michael Beveridge to get a tattoo in his honour.

It’s not about the hair, it’s about the length.

It’s fair to say that Michael Mason never had great confidence from an Akhtar-like flowing mane. But this week he had amazing news when a story of him being picked up by Kings XI Punjab as a replacement for Ryan Harris made headlines. Despite the phone calls Mason received, the tweets shocked at the news, and even reports that appeared everywhere, Mason was not picked. The player Kings XI actually signed was Michael Neser, a Queensland allrounder. Mason is still retired, even though he has played as many IPL matches this season as Glenn Maxwell.

The MCC announced plans this week for global domination by talking of pimping out their lair, Lord’s, into the world’s greatest everything. They have a 200-million quid plan, and a 36-minute Youtube video explaining it all. The only problem being that most of their members had not heard of Youtube, or the internet, and those who did find the video fell asleep a few minutes in. Lord’s will have an updated food area and robot stewards who will obliterate anyone caught on their mobile phone during a Test. A member suggestion to clone 200 Glenn Maxwells was voted down when no one knew what they would do with 200 Glenn Maxwells.

Maxwell’s Mumbai Indians, which they are never known as, will now not have to play their playoffs in Chennai and lose use of Lasith Malinga, after a stunning decision from the BCCI. All recent evidence suggested that the entire cricket world was to be moved to Chennai so that Mr N Srinivasan (his 100-foot-high gold statue is still under construction) wouldn’t have to leave his favourite city. The madness of an obviously unfair playing condition had gone on long enough, but if it had continued during the playoffs, any pretence of the IPL being a serious and fair tournament could be completely flushed down the toilet. The matches have been moved to Delhi.

Even with the unfair playing field, some people still take the IPL very seriously. One man took it far too seriously. During a particularly close match between Royal Challengers Bangalore and Delhi Daredevils, an Englishman of 72 left the room, only to return to the room to see his wife had changed the channel. Rather than acting rationally and asking for the channel to be changed, he grabbed his wife and repeatedly told her he was going to kill her. The man was found guilty this week, made to pay a 100-quid fine and given a three-year good behaviour bond. Royal Challengers won the game in a Super Over.

This year is the 150th birth anniversary of the Diss Cricket Club (not made up). According to edp24.co.uk, this weekend, past members will all turn up to pose for an aerial photo. The playing group that Diss has constructed is also very impressive. “What really struck me last weekend was that we’ve got 11 players in the team who can bat very well and the majority of them can also bowl very well. It’s a remarkable set-up because we have all bases covered,” said club chairman Martin Fairweather. No wicketkeepers, though.

Rubel Hossain has the chicken pox. If he had better hair, he would not have got sick.

Another bowler with very stylish hair is Ryan Sidebottom. But there are two Ryan Sidebottoms. One from Yorkshire who is remembered for the natural perm and for yelling at his team-mates when they dropped a catch off him. And one who has a brother named Steele, and has just been awarded a contract with Victoria.

I hope future generations will inherit a world with more Ryan Sidebottoms and less fake Jesse Ryder merchandise.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. This week we celebrate fifty years of One Day cricket, that’s a whole lot of boring middle overs.

It wasn’t until Jesse Ryder tweeted, “Take a bow Chris Gayle unbelievable batting”, that the cricket world truly appreciated Gayle’s innings of 175 off 66 balls this week. The innings, which started going viral before he had finished it, included some of the most tremendous hitting off some of the most disgusting bowling ever. Except for Aaron Finch’s bowling, which was just unlucky.

It was an innings so good that the LA Times ran a story on it. Let’s laugh at them.

“West Indies batsman Chris Gayle rocked the sports world Tuesday, setting Twitter ablaze with praise in 140-character dollops when he scored the fastest 100 runs in the history of professional cricket after just 30 pitches.”

This should be a lesson to cricket administrators who talk up their Twitter activity. It sounds stupid even when Americans do it.

Americans were also mentioned in a Simon Hughes article. In the piece Hughes claimed that Michael Jordan was the sportsman of the 20th century, and that MS Dhoni was an early candidate as sportsman of the 21st century. Now I like MS Dhoni in a World Cup final, or an IPL game, or even occasionally in Test match, but comparing him to Jordan in any other way than with sponsorship deals seems way off. Jordan still is the all-time leading scorer per game in NBA history. He won six titles, three after a retirement. And he was in a film with Bugs Bunny.

Dhoni is pretty good too, but Ashish Reddy is no Joe Dumars. Dale Steyn is more like Joe Dumars but with more off days.

The well-named, for the sake of this segue, Jordan Clark also beat the hell out of a bowler who wasn’t having a good day. Clark, a 2nd XI player with Lancashire, hit (name withheld, because the poor bowler has been through enough) for six sixes in an over. Like Jordan, I know the thrill of hitting six sixes in an over. He might have done it in 2nd XI county match, but I think my six sixes off a man named Noel in a ’96 beer match at the Seth Raistrick Reserve in Campbellfield counts just the same.

Mind you, there is someone who put me, Gayle, Clark and Dhoni to shame a few years back. First-class Sri Lankan cricketer Dhanuka Pathirana was playing a club match in Lancashire’s Saddleworth League (it’s real, not made up). This match was a T20. In the match, Dhanuka made 277 off 72 balls. Twenty-five of the balls he faced didn’t go for four or six. Forty-seven did. Had Danny Morrison been there, his head would have flown off and scored another boundary. It was that kind of a party.

Another party was had this week when one of the world’s most popular cricketers had a birthday. Everyone was tripping over themselves to sound as deferential as possible. By the thousands, the birthday messages came in from cricket’s elite.

“Dear Monty, many happy returns of the day wishing you health and success always thank you god for this day regards”; “Have a super birthday Monty Panesar great to se you still playing and having fun a true Legend of the game”; “Happy Birthday Monty! May all things wonderful big & small always come your way now & forever! Lotza love always…”

One day Monty’s birthday will be a national holiday, such is the love, respect and admiration that the cricket world has for him.

It was a worse week for another spinner. Danish Kaneria had his lifetime ban appeal rejected. He can still have the ban shortened, although at his age that may not be of much comfort. Kaneria will also have to pay £100,000 in court costs for the privilege of losing. Being that he cannot play cricket and earn money in whatever way from that, making that 100g back will not be easy.

Money was also on Mark Taylor’s mind when he said, “If you look at the IPL and the money that’s going around there, that’s got to be a big influence, I think. As much as they all say ‘Test cricket’s the No. 1′, a million dollars is very distracting.” Shane Watson then spoke about the good qualities of the IPL. Of course, Watson has averaged 24 in the last two years in Test cricket.

The only two countries who don’t lose many players during the IPL are playing a Test right now. Bangladesh were embarrassed in the first Test, but have started well in the second, even though it’s at the exact same venue as the last Test.

That would not have been possible at the March Town Cricket Club. No games were possible there. Because crows ate the pitch. Talking to the BBC, club member Pat Ringham described the damage as being as if “50 hooligans let loose with golf clubs”. That’s some pretty aggressive crows, which were apparently just trying to eat some grubs.

John Parker, everyone’s favourite unofficial biographer of New Zealand disgraces, has apologised to Brendon McCullum for the nasty things he wrote in his 77-point dossier. Parker said he never wanted to discredit McCullum, and he probably didn’t. It was the NZC board he was after. Parker has now also apologised to Mike Hesson. This is probably the end of the Ross Taylor captaincy saga. It means that in the short term if we want to make fun of the Kiwis, it will have to be for what’s happening on the field, not off it.

Daily Mail readers made fun of Rod Stewart this week when pictures of him wearing his full cricket whites on the streets of LA were shown on the site. One commenter said, “Rodney is such a plonker sometimes..It’s L.A. not Lords.”

Stewart is a keen fan of cricket, and as such he would be pleased to know that Fawad Ahmed signed a three-year deal with Victoria this week. Now all we need to do is find this guy a passport and John Inverarity will send him to the Ashes. Chances are he’ll stay fit longer than Ryan Harris.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, emailcricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. Happy birthday, Peter McIntrye.

This week the cricket world was stunned when ageing former cricket umpire Dickie Bird released his best Test XI and overlooked Jesse Ryder.

Dickie had more. No West Indian speedster made the list either. No Holding, no Marshall, not even Nixon McLean could make it to Dickie’s list, which probably means watching it from the other end isn’t as scary as facing it.

But Dickie wasn’t done there. Don Bradman also missed out. Now, it is Australian law that all greatest XIs feature Don, so Dickie will be arrested the next time he sets foot in Australia.

Then Dickie got serious with his trolling. He took on the Sachin internet militia. I’d like to believe that Dickie knew that by leaving Sachin out he’d be annoying many people. According to many headlines, this mostly ignored XI shook the cricket fraternity. Former India batsman Chandu Borde said, “One need not refer to his XI. From my point of view, it’s the English media which has made Bird an umpiring legend. He’s always bias.” But even more aggressive was this quote from Dilip Vengsarkar to PTI: “I don’t wish to comment on this.” The best comment from a reader was Danier’s on Daily News & Analysis. “Who is Bird??? Let cut his feathers.”

While Dickie trolled, Australia did what they could for Sachin’s ego. They created a waxwork dummy of the man and put him next to Don Bradman. I mean, what more can you ask for?

Sachin is, according to some, (not me, I love you Sachin, I want you to play until you need a carer to walk you to the wicket) currently batting like he’s made of wax. But he had the only ally he needed this week when one half of Shroni, Mr N Srinivasan, came out and said to Outlook magazine: “I have absolutely no doubt that Indian cricket needs him – and will leave the final call [on when he should quit] to him.”

Just once I hope one of these champion cricketers really abuses this right and plays until he’s 64 and his arthritic hands can’t even hold on to a bat. And for the last 22 years of his career, administrators and fans just keep saying, “He’ll go when he’s ready”. And the frail grey-haired champion will just continue to get worse and worse while these fans and administrators continue their nonsensical thoughts.

If Srini really wanted Sachin to choose his own future, wouldn’t he just make him chairman of selectors? Or at least make him head of marketing for India Cements?

Shane Watson is not as indestructible as Sachin. He knew very well that he was lucky to be staying on as vice-captain for Australia after what went on in India, and in various airports. And being that Australian cricket has no Srini-like figure, Watson has decided to step down from the vice-captaincy and focus on his game.

Now, I think this is a great move. But if this is anything like Shane Watson’s other public statements, next week he will want the job again. Then he will talk to key management about the job. Before long he’ll be vice-captain of an IPL team. And then through the next two series he will change his mind on a match-by-match basis, like in some tacky courtroom drama.

In real cricket courtroom matters Brendon McCullum is to sue John Parker for his 77-point dossier about the sacking of Ross Taylor and the governance of New Zealand Cricket. Parker repeated a lot of hearsay, or just general rumours, about what had happened to Taylor, and very few of them make McCullum seem like the sort of guy you want to share a malted milkshake with. McCullum had two choices: either ignore the report based on the fact John Parker has been mocked and abused since his paper came out, or prolong the story with a lawsuit.

Another Brendan had a far better week than this. Zimbabwean geek chic Brendan Taylor outscored Bangladesh in the first innings and made enough runs in the second to think he could outscore them in the Test. At the very least he is the first non-Flower to make a hundred in each innings for Zimbabwe.

“The competition was really hard-fought with just the odd wide or good shot being the difference between winning and losing in a number of matches. It is noticeable that the overall standard keeps improving each year and the gap between the sides is really small.” That wasn’t a report on the Zimbabwe-Bangladesh Test, but from thisisgloucestershire.co.uk on the Gloucestershire district Lady Taverners’ indoor Under-15 girls tournament, which was won by Stroud High. The game was not shown on Youtube.

Soon it may be as the ECB are no longer just complaining about internet piracy and accusing those who use it of being thieves, they are now offering alternatives. So if you live on mainland Europe you will be able to see the Ashes right on Youtube. Right next to the videos of the cat who jumps in boxes will be the cricket, for all the Ashes-loving Kazakhstanis.

Maybe you don’t live in mainland Europe and you already have access to cricket on TV, so you don’t just want cricket, you want everything that is around cricket. You want to immerse yourself in the cricket world neck deep. For that, you need Ryan ten Doeschate’s literary blog. As Ryan says, “I generally like books for a variety of three reasons: the story line; the style of writing and use of vocabulary; or the knowledge the author imparts to the reader.” And while I count that as four reasons, you still have to respect a cricketer who in his time off reads and reviews book and starts a blog that is linked to the Room to Read charity.

Andrew McDonald was linked to South Australia this week. Which is also an act of charity from the Victorian people to their less fortunate South Australian kin. McDonald also missed out on Dickie’s team. Another conspiracy to defraud Victorian cricket.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurl@gmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. As Ryan might say, “I have no doubt that you will enjoy this column’s mixture of facts and excellently written opinions.”

This column usually starts with something on Jesse Ryder, because he is pretty much pure awesomeness. That means finding a way to shoehorn him into the news for some cameo in a domestic T20 match no one watching could remember any details if they were tortured about it.

This week Jesse was shoehorned into the news when two men brutally attacked him, caving in his skull and lung.

For a while it was touch and go whether Jesse would survive, and I was asked to be on standby to write a eulogy for one of my favourite cricketers of all time. I figured it would be easier to write a draft of it before he passed, as I’d be so upset when he did that it’d be almost impossible to write.

This is some of it:

Jesse’s worst made the media’s job quite easy. He churned out headlines, gave angry middle aged men their moral editorials and gave talkback radio days of free funny. Even on the field he never quite gave us what his wrists promised. Unfulfilled potential is the ugliest phrase in the sporting vocabulary.

At his best he was everything that was great about cricket. A shy man in a large body who could play a square drive so perfectly it would stop you in your tracks. If you ever saw one live, you’d never forget it. It was an immaculate cricket moment. This monstrous beast pushing the ball with statue stillness and perfect cricket hands in a gracefully delicate way. It was pure. It was artistic. It was flawless. It was brutal elegance and precision. It was a water buffalo doing a magnificent tango.

It was what cricket should be.

Most people try their whole life to do one thing absolutely as it was intended. Jesse did that almost every time he batted.

Now because of a seemingly violent act of randomness, Jesse has been taken from us. Leaving us with a few moments of cricket perfection, the sort that live in the stories people tell the next generation of cricket lovers.

Heroes, villains and artists don’t often come in the one package.

Cricket exists for men like Jesse Ryder. And men like Jesse Ryder exist for cricket.

Luckily, my hastily written overly emotional tribute to one of my favourite cricketers never got finished. While I was trying to write something that would honour Jesse, he was giving his doctors the thumbs up and is now in a stable condition. In hospital his family and friends have been reading him all the great things that people have said since the attack. Hopefully someone can read him what I said, but leave out the bit where I called him a monstrous beast.

Before the attack his former team-mates where fighting their own monstrous beast, Matt Prior. Sometimes when I watch Matt Prior bat I sigh out loud, and I am not a sighing person. But he really is that good. He may not make constant Test runs, but he seems to fall over making important ones. This Test, he was the only English batsman in both innings. And this could have been embarrassing for England. They could have, and probably deserved too, lost a series to the 8th ranked Test team in the world who didn’t even have Jesse or Daniel Vettori in their side. Instead after three Tests, this battered English team won no matches, and kept New Zealand to the same score. Barely.

Even while England couldn’t beat the 8th ranked side in the world in, they stopped to laugh at Australia who failed to beat India in any of their four Tests. Australia couldn’t find the intestinal fortitude of England however, as they lost all four Tests to Che Pujara and any bowler who could turn the ball. It was the end of a series where Shane Watson became captain and Glenn Maxwell became a Test opener, so only losing four-nil wasn’t too bad. According to Mickey Arthur, “I’m confident everything’s still on track”. What no one has told him is that his track may infact be straight at a brick wall that has a painting of a tunnel on it.

Bangladesh is on track again after drawing their one-day series with Sri Lanka 1-1. I’ve been sucked in by good performances from the play-doh tigers before, and I won’t be trusting them until they win a World Cup, or at least 12 of their players get IPL contracts.

The IPL starts next week. And it’s started with a controversy over the fact that Sri Lankan players can’t play in Chennai due to political interference over the treatment of Tamils in the civil war. This follows on from the fact that the Pakistani women’s team were not allowed to play in Mumbai during the Women’s World Cup. Indian politics is doing its best to get in the way of cricket any chance it gets. Next English players won’t be allowed to play in India because of victims of the sitcom It aint half hot mum will be offended.

Luckily Nishantha Ranatunga, the Sri Lanka Cricket (SLC) secretary and (in no way is this a conflict of interest) CEO of Carlton Sports who own the local TV rights, said, “I don’t think Lankan players should boycott the IPL just because of a political party and its views. The game should be kept away from it. That is the SLC policy.” Yes, if there is anywhere on earth that separates cricket from politics it is Sri Lanka.

Sri Lankan cricket politics got bizarre this week when current SLC president Upali Dharmadasa (I once rode in his car, long story, tell you another time) was deemed unfit to be nominated for the role of presidency despite being president at the time. Two other nominees also failed to be nominated for similar reasons, so Jayantha Dharmadasa, Upali’s brother, is set to be president unopposed. Even though he had earlier pulled out. It seems Upali Dharmadasa forgot to get a letter of support from the Sports Minister, which was required for him. The need for the letter in no way makes Mr Ranatunga’s earlier statement ridiculous.

The WICB has a new president. Whycliffe ‘Dave’ Cameron defeated Julian Hunte 7-5. Cameron said, “It was a long process and I travelled the length and breadth of the Caribbean, from Kingston, Jamaica to Georgetown, Guyana to be able to address the concerns of our stakeholders.” Anyone who uses the phrase stakeholders must be a good cricket administracrat. I wonder if on his length and breadth tour Cameron actually kissed any babies.

The propaganda war in the Ashes got ugly this week when two old cricketers said things that contradicted each other. Ian “Beefy” Botham said something positive for England. Steve “Tugga” Waugh said something positive for Australia. There is a chance that sometime between now and the Ashes starting other former players of each country will continue this pattern.

The only thing more painful than pre-series old men talking up their country is a hernia. And Saeed Ajmal may have one. Ajmal is missing some domestic cricket at the moment and waiting to hear back from his doctor whether he needs surgery. I hope the first person to say he got the hernia from carrying his team actually gets a hernia.

Women’s cricket batting icon Mithali Raj and Indian pacer Jhulan Goswami have been “rested” (or informed player managed) from India’s home serie against Bangladesh. Raj, the captain, and Goswami, the former captain, are India’s two best players. And they aren’t exactly overworked. The Indian women’s team has played no Tests this year, and they played the same amount last year. Outside of the World Cup, which was over a month ago, they’ve played pretty much no international cricket. They don’t even play in the IPL. Although they do watch it, which can be tiring. The Indian selector Gargi Banerjee stressed that they hadn’t been dropped, but did say, “They are 30 years old and I don’t see them playing in the next World Cup, which is four years away.” Yes, how could you expect an Indian player to turn up to a World Cup at 34? I’m sorry Gargi, but that’s not cricket.

‘That’s not cricket’ is also the phrase that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote in her dissenting statement from the Supreme Court this week when talking about an antitrust case result. Later on in the day, the Principal Deputy Solicitor General of the United States tried to reuse the phrase but failed magnificently, “To be fair or, as was suggested this morning, to be crickets…” Now, it is not surprising that an American would confuse crickets for cricket, even after hearing the phrase earlier in the day. But the Principal Deputy Solicitor General’s name is Sri Srinivasan and he was born in India.

Surely for this faux pas, Sri Srinivasan should be banned from returning to India. Hopefully there is a political action group working on this right now.

Aaron Finch is going to the IPL to replace Michael Clarke’s back. Finch was selected for the IPL because he is Victorian, and the IPL has a quota for South African sloggers, nice kiwis, West Indians with quirky names and Victorians.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. This column was approved by the minister for sports and candy.

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Jesse Ryder did not make the news this week. I can’t shoehorn him into my piece just for the sake of it based on something he has done on the field.

But off the field, Ryder is a perfect example of a player being suspended and working out that what he was doing was not getting the most out of himself as a cricketer. I am not in any way using this as an analogy for any other cricket controversy at the moment.

Ryder’s former team started well against England, so well, that when it turned dark on them it turned very dark. But even though at times in this Test, and the last, it looked entirely possible that England could score over 500 against New Zealand even if they reversed their order. That is now the case. England could not suspend four players from their team and still beat the Kiwis easily.

Zimbabwe are playing Test cricket this week, against West Indies. Everyone’s favourite leather-faced hitman, Ray Price, is still bowling his gentle left-arm spin and acting as if he’s bowled the most brutal bouncer ever seen. They may not have won, but they had a good first innings, which is more than Shane Watson can say this week.

Mushfiqur Rahim is still batting in Galle as I type. The Test between Sri Lanka and Bangladesh ended in a draw, but with all the bowlers slaughtered, Mushfiqur decided he might as well continue to bat on the pitch that gave Bangladesh their first ever Test double-hundred. Ex players condemned the pitch, stating in unison seconds after the Test that in their day Test pitches were never that bad and that it was like a schoolboy game.

Inspired by Gary Wilson, Ireland made a record score of 589 for 7 against UAE in their ICC Intercontinental Cup game. Scotland, who have no Gary Wilson, lost by an innings and five runs to Afghanistan, inspired by the 21-year-old quick Izatullah Dawlatzai‘s 11 for 94. That was exactly 11 more wickets than James Pattinson and Mitchell Johnson will combine for this week.

Star in India won their case to own cricket scores on mobile devices. That means that cricket is no longer news for India, but purely a product. Unless they pay Star for the rights, mobile companies can put up scores 15 minutes after they happen when the news is no longer hot. Now people will just have to disconnect from these mobile providers and log onto websites, Twitter, Facebook or just text their friends who are watching on illegal streams.

India’s biggest product, Sachin Tendulkar, was shunned this week while no one noticed. Brendon McCullum said Alastair Cook was the second best batsman ever. Amazingly he didn’t pick Brad Hodge or Tendulkar as the best. I am telling you this only if you are one of those Sachin Tendulkar fans who loves to complain about any slight the great man has received, but perhaps this week you were too busy laughing at the Aussies to notice these comments. All complaints can be sent directly to the Black Caps. Or Pat Howard.

South African cricket administrators are being praised this week from Farhaan Behardien. Behardien claims that the help they gave him has made him a better finisher. Presumably what he means is they didn’t ask him to wear the correct uniform, never checked his skin folds and never asked him to write anything down. Or maybe they did, and he did what they asked and he produced.

Andy Bull asks whether cricket writers are producing a golden era of cricket writing. Bull mentions this very site, but somehow fails to overlook the “Dual Warrnambool and District Cricket Association’s division two winners face off in grand final” piece written by the Standard‘s Justine McCullagh-Beasy. My favourite line (incase you are too lazy to click on a link about Victorian country cricket) is “Grand finals are always close”. Cricket writing might be doing okay, but cricketers speaking before a match are still as bad as ever. The coach would expect better than that.

Okay, fine, I’ve hinted at it, so here it is, the entire (not really) short history of #homeworkgate.

This is it in a chronological based-on-a-true story sort of way.

Several Australian cricketers improve their skills on Call of Duty.

Shane Watson, Usman Khawaja, James Pattinson and Mitchell Johnson are suspended for failing to do their homework.

Many, many, many ex-players say that is ridiculous. They blame Mickey Arthur and almost ignore Michael Clarke altogether.

It turns out the homework could have been sent by a text, and they had six days to come up with something to help the Australian cricket team win the next Test.

Watson leaves for Australia. Some say he is sooking, some say he is travelling home to be there for the birth of his first child.

Cricket makes the front page during football season.

Clarke gives a press conference, well, no, he talks to Cricket Australia in a KP-style video explaining what has gone down and that there is history of bad things that he never quite articulates.

Howard says Clarke and Watson are not besties, that he knows Watson well, and that Watson sometimes puts the team first.

Watson’s dad has not spoken to his son, but still says something to the press.

Watson then says Howard doesn’t know the real him. He resists the temptation to break into a country song.

Wally Edwards releases a statement that is about the length of a tweet.

The Aussies fly in a psychologist to help them, perhaps a week or so late.

Brad Haddin becomes a batsman.

Shane Warne says, “As a leader I always thought if the boys weren’t getting along or we weren’t performing then the best thing to do was to lock everyone into a room with some music (and) alcohol”. Usman Khawaja is probably not a big drinker. Although he does play the guitar.

Glenn Maxwell still somehow gets dropped from a team with only 12 fit players to pick from.

Ricky Ponting makes another hundred in the Sheffield Shield, keeping him as the top scoring player this year.

The first day at Mohali is washed out.

KP, Mike Hesson, Ryder and Sri Lanka Cricket must be glad to not be involved in any of this.

For an animated version of events, including a recreation of David Boon drinking and Mickey Arthur imitating one of Disney’s most loved products go here.

There are some who believe this was all a big conspiracy to confuse Victoria into bowling first at Bellerive Oval and possibly giving up any hope they had of winning the Shield this year. Victoria, who have been awesome (outside of finals) for most of the year, now look like missing out on the Shield Final. But they will be the moral winners, I am sure you agree.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s Cricket News Hurl, email cricketnewshurl@gmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. For research, Jarrod visited his high school this week, they gave him a free pen after he was dragged to the headmaster’s office by a man who looked alarmingly like Mickey Arthur.

Once a year, the MCC gets together a bunch of former leathered-faced greats, and they talk about cricket and drink lots of red wine (all ex-players drink red wine). Occasionally, they push the agenda of absolute stupidity such as in the case of lie detector tests. Occasionally they are ahead of the game like on day-night Tests.

It all comes from a desperate need for the MCC to be relevant. Lord’s may call itself the home of cricket, but we all know that the current home of cricket is in an office in Chennai. Lord’s is little more than an expensive summer house.

But what Lord’s does have is money. To get into Lord’s for a Test you need to forego buying a new Rolls Royce, membership involves selling your soul to Robert Johnson and such is the power of their logo it instantly means an item is worth three times as much.

What they are doing with that money is trying to buy relevance. Outside of the Laws of cricket, and photo ops, Lord’s has little relevance in modern cricket.

Hence we now have the MCC World Cricket Committee or MCCWCC for short. They’re a self-appointed moral compass. They’re also part of a cricket club that is based in a stadium named after a man who once tried to turn the ground into a housing estate.

Even so, the MCC World Committee is the nice, well-meaning grandpa of world cricket. It doesn’t have the power or impact of a Jesse Ryder square drive, but rather puts the ball into the gaps regularly, without possessing the leg speed to turn the singles into twos or threes.

A lack of power and speed doesn’t mean that what they say shouldn’t be looked at.

Corruption in cricket: more should be done This is the bit where the MCCWCC suggest that more should be done to stop corruption in cricket. They’re right, more should be done. But the ICC are not the police. They are more like volunteer school crossing guards.

While the ICC should procure all the betting details from each match, doing it in countries with illegal betting syndicates isn’t going to be easy. How will the ICC ever have the power to say that the BCCI should say no to a potential IPL team owner because they seem a bit dodgy? How can the ICC realistically protect players from the attentions of dubious individuals without beginning by buying every Nandos?

It’s not like the ICC can hire Charlie Bronson to follow around every single player to make sure they don’t get in trouble. Although I could get behind such an initiative. The MCCWCC have a point about corruption, and they come up with some lovely utopian visions, but it is hard to see how they can be carried through.

Committee strongly supports the Decision Review System There is no doubt that the MCCWCC are proper disciples of the DRS. If it was a cult, and it sort of is, they would have drunk the koolaid, donated their coccyx and donned their matching sneakers. They believe it protects the integrity of the game, is better than the human eye and can save cricket from an evil giant clam.

They no longer even want it just for howlers, they want it for everything. Everything. India disagree with this, and want it for nothing. Nothing. I wonder who will win?

Laws of Cricket: Committee initiates research into the size of bat edges Golf, tennis and probably even table tennis, eventually reach the period when power of the tools starts to majorly change the way the game is played. If you haven’t picked up a bat in recent times, find one, and you’ll want to go out and slog sweep your friends instantly.

Cricket bats have already changed so much. Look at old cricket paintings and you’ll see weird wooden machete-looking things which have little resemblance to modern cricket bats or even bats from 100 years ago. It’s probable that there was someone watching WG Grace from the members saying: “Indeed he is a skilled craftsman, but wouldn’t everyone also be if they held such a magically-shaped implement?”

Golf has limited the size of clubs to limit the potential imbalance caused by technology. The edge of bats might also be limited. Which is fine for the professional athletes with skill, fitness and training behind them, but for the rest of us, our days of scoring boundaries could be behind us.

World Test Championship required for three formats of the game to co-exist The MCCWCC still believe in the World Test Championship; the rest of us forgot it ever almost existed. They are also anxious it is well marketed to cricket enthusiasts. Compared to the way most Test series around the world are marketed, all they need is to provide a twitter hashtag and a billboard and they have done their job.

They were told a two-tier structure could be catastrophic for marketing. This is alarming as with South Africa playing as they are we already have a two tier structure.

Women’s cricket is part of the fabric of the world game The MCCWCC stated that the women’s game is now firmly integrated within the sport around the world. Well, it sounds nice, but the reality is far from that. The World T20 had the women hidden away in the south of Sri Lanka far from the media or TV cameras. They also received a lower per diem than the men.

At the World Cup the quality of the cricket was the best it had ever been for a women’s tournament. But the tournament had no national anthems, no semi-finals, no certainty on venues and up until a week before it began no fixtures.

Compared to the most famous integration in cricket, KP’s, the women are still outside the system.

Twenty20 Cricket in the Olympics Cricket isn’t at the Olympics largely because no one in cricket has really tried to get cricket into the Olympics. England don’t really want to lose two weeks of the heart of their summer to the Olympics. India don’t really care about the Olympics in general. Cricket as a community has no real opinion about the Olympics.

Would cricket be in a better position globally by the addition of cricket into the Olympics? Yes. Is cricket currently run in a way that tries to get it into a better position globally? No.

So why would the ICC (and by ICC I don’t mean the people who are trying to grow the game, but the ten nations who like to keep it as a private boys’ club) push for cricket in the Olympics? They wouldn’t, and don’t. If Ireland, Scotland, Netherlands, Canada and Uganda had a vote in cricket, then some sort of cricket would have been in the Olympics.

The chances of cricket making it into the Olympics as long as self-interested, shortsighted egotists run the ICC is pretty low. In fact, the chances are roughly the same as Victoria winning the next three Ryobi Cup finals.

The MCCWCC is a largely ineffectual respected think tank that has its heart in the right place

This column is just largely ineffectual.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. This column was written by an MCC member. Not Marylebone.

They lied to us. Jesse Ryder is back. This week he hit the winning runs for the blackcaps (BLACKCAPS) in a backyard cricket game for some TV show I have unsurprisingly never heard of. Although that news was overshadowed by the biggest news of the week: Steven Finn has shortened his run up by five metres. FIVE METRES.

Finn and his team-mates managed to overcome the kiwis, despite being massively underpaid according to the English players’ union. Unions, which generally suggest their members are overpaid, said that the Jaguar-driving England team should be getting more from their ECB overlords. And the union has a point when you look at how much money the ECB makes. But the players all make more than most of us could steal, so they will have to make do with muted applause for winning a three-match T20 series.

There is not enough money in the world to give to Saeed Ajmal right now. His bowling performance against South Africa was Steve Davis-defying. Although it was nearly overshadowed by Vernon Philander’s one millionth five-wicket haul and the always* entertaining chats about DRS.

In the Women’s World Cup, they had no elite umpires, no DRS, no semi finals, and, bizarrely, no national anthems. Because they had no semi finals, and not all games were televised, it gave conspiracy theorists and professional cynics (I am both) the chance to wonder if Australia’s last Super Six game was lost on purpose. If you were a women’s cricket team, and you had a chance to play England, New Zealand or West Indies, you’d try and fix it to play West Indies. Well, I would. For what it is worth, the Australia women tweeted apologies and disgust at losing to West Indies. But if I was fixing this match to rig the final in my favour, I’d tell people to tweet their disappointment as well.

It’s also possible that the West Indies are just that good and that they now may beat the Aussies in the final. If they do win, they will be the first team outside of England, Australia and New Zealand to win the Women’s World Cup.

The IPL tried to put a price tag on the priceless this week. Only $260,000 for Jesse Ryder? His wrists are worth more than that on their own. Glenn Maxwell went for $1 million. In what world is Jesse Ryder one-quarter of a Glenn Maxwell? Even accounting for the fact that Ryder is not a Victorian.

Yet despite all the dump trucks of cash the IPL earns, the Indian women’s team lacked professionalism and could not qualify for the Super Sixes of the Women’s World Cup. Many in powerful positions don’t consider women’s cricket a real form of cricket and the BCCI don’t embarrass easily.

A country as inspired by cricket (and as rich from it) should not be missing out on the Super Sixes stage of a tournament with a largely amateur set up. For the price of one Glenn Maxwell, India could become a powerhouse in women’s cricket. Mind you, they did lose to Sri Lanka, which is fast becoming the thing to do in women’s cricket.

Not that Suzie Bates’ New Zealand did. The Sri Lankans are capable of amazing feats, and abject failure. So far they have achieved both in this tournament, stunning England, falling down a hole against the Windies, embarrassing India, and getting beaten up by New Zealand.

Australia, on the other hand, are unbeaten in the World Cup, and they can thank the edge of Holly Colvin’s bat for that. Anya Shrubsole and Holly Colvin did that thing that makes TV executives cry pure tears of dollars, a 10th-wicket partnership that put on 31 of the 34 runs they needed. There is nothing like watching tail-enders score with ease to start with, before tightening up when they realise they should actually win.

Pakistan don’t have to worry about that at the moment. They were cut into tiny pieces by the world’s best bowling attack. Even Dale Steyn, who hasn’t needed to take a top-order wicket in over a year, thought he’d sharpen his blades on a batting line up that played the new ball like it was a robot killing machine.

Shane Watson also came back into the side, and back into form, and beat the Windies around the head in a pointless ODI series. Kieron Pollard responded by hitting a brilliant hundred and putting a stump down his pants. But the series was over before it started, and perhaps the only entertaining thing has been the sledging match between Chris Gayle and James Faulkner, which moved into the digital world when Glenn Maxwell talked about it on twitter. I like the idea of players continuing to sledge each other on twitter, but like I’ve always said, what happens on social media, should stay on social media.

Praveen Kumar keeps his aggression on the field. Umpires in his Corporate Trophy match have deemed him mentally unfit, after his screaming, chest bumping and headbutting an opposition player who dared to enquire if one of his deliveries was a no ball. In real life, screaming and headbutting is not nice behaviour, but in a fast bowler (even one as slow as Kumar) it’s pretty normal.

Another normal is former Australian cricketers coming out with their own opinions and manifestos on the state of Australian cricket. Shane Warne at first, then Jeff Thomson, and now Warwick Todd. Todd, a flighty middle order player in the late 90s who has been quiet of recent years, was moved by the current state of Australian cricket to come up with his improvements:

CEO of cricket or GM: Steve Waugh
Boss man, cricket supremo. The coach, captain and support staff are answerable to Tugga. And Tugga is answerable to no one, except major sponsors and/or David Gyngell.

Coach: Arjuna Ranatunga
I’ve made no secret of the fact that I think a coach is not needed at the top level of our game. It’s a stupid, pointless role, suitable only for a complete loser. Arjuna’s got what it takes.

Fitness Coach: Greg Ritchie
Fat Cat’s form in this area speaks for itself. And it may be a big role but this is a bloke who has always been prepared to bite off more than he can chew.

Drugs in sport.
I have no time for cheats who use drugs. I believe in the natural high that comes from representing your country, or half a dozen Crown lagers.

Todd’s great mate and kindred spirit, Darren Lehmann, has told potential father Chris Lynn to put his fatherhood before his cricket. Now, if you are a man, and you are eating, put the food down. Lynn was hit in the testicles by Doug Bollinger, and usually all that means is a few laughs and bad taste slo-mos. Unfortunately, Lynn’s testicle did not recover after some stretches. It then did not recover even after a needle was put in to drain the fluid (glad you put your food down now, aren’t you).

“The swelling just kept on getting worse and worse. I had it drained with a needle and it went back to normal but then the swelling started again.” There is no slo-mo footage of the needle being inserted. Thankfully. Lynn will potentially miss the rest of the season as he’s having an operation of which I gladly know none of the details.

There is a picture of a man holding two balls in a story from Queensland that has nothing to do with Chris Lynn. It’s because Rhys Yorke took two hat tricks in two days.

You’re probably thinking this guy is the bestest bowler ever, but, like everything in Australian cricket at the moment, the amazing event was turned into a rant on how bad Australian cricket is by the first comment on the story. Disgruntled Valleys player of Brisbane North said: “I was his second wicket on the Sunday, I’ve never faced a slower opening bowler in my life!! Can’t believe he took two, the state of grade cricket is surely diminishing.”

Rhys Yorke, unlike Jesse and Glenn, went unclaimed at the IPL auction. Chris Morris went for $625,000, despite only seven people having heard of him before. That makes it sound like the IPL is printing its own money, and for the BCCI, it might be, but the Kochi franchise still haven’t paid money to players from last year’s IPL and Rajasthan has been hit with an $18.8m tax bill. It’s not all sunshine and happiness in the world’s biggest domestic tournament.

With the women’s team struggling, the men’s team losing ODIs against England and Kane Richardson taking back a sack of cash, things in Indian cricket are just not that right at the moment. Luckily, there is a solution: Mohammad Azharuddin has said he would love to take up a coaching position with India. I really can’t see any valid reason why the BCCI wouldn’t want him as coach.

As for Pakistan’s premier league, the Pakistan Super League, it has been postponed indefinitely. They have had plenty of interest, they say. Coincidentally, that is what I say when people ask how my screenplay of Godzilla vs the Zombies is going. It is rumoured that the boxer Amir Khan wants to buy a franchise. Luckily for him he now has a fair bit of time to find the money to do so. It was supposed to be from 26 March to 7 April. It is now TBA.

In a London warehouse an 8-a-side company cricket tournament did go ahead. In one side, players of many countries were involved in an inter-racial, inter-sex indoor cricket team. Jonathan Campion explains his team here

“I had a month to teach three Russians, a Ukrainian, a Bulgarian, a Slovenian and a Vietnamese – four lads and three ladies, none of whom had ever played before – how to bat, bowl and field. Finding time to practice together was difficult (I am surely the first captain to cancel a net because my best bowler was in Magnitogorsk), but three lunchtimes a week I took a Kwik Cricket set to London’s Regent’s Park, and made everyone try each of the skills. My teammates’ enthusiasm never wilted: Anglophiles all, they threw themselves into the challenge of a complicated English game.”
Unfortunately they did not win their competition, but the players did say after the tournament that the loss was a wake-up call, and by almost winning their last game they feel they have the momentum for the next series.

Victoria needed no momentum to defeat the England Lions this week. Rob Quiney was awesome. Because Rob Quiney is awesome.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com or tweet #cricketnewshurl. You can now continue eating your food.