Tagged with cricket australia …

Apr 22 2011
29 Comments
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Cricket Australia reach for maximum credibility

Since Sharad Pawar saw public opinion turning against him (one advantage to politicians being in cricket) and floated the idea of a possible change to the fascist 2015 world cup, most cricket boards have remained mute.

Perhaps that’s because they didn’t want to open their mouths and admit yet again that they don’t really care about cricket.

Cricket Australia decided to speak out.  They want the the 2015 world cup to have maximum credibility.

Forget for one moment they used the phrase maximum credibility and picture this.

By 2015 Ireland  could be ranked the 9th ODI side in the world and not be in the world cup.

Now think of the phrase maximum credibility.

I can understand why the Australians have finally taken an interest in the next world cup, they’ve just realised it’s at their place. So it didn’t matter to them that the last two world cups were flabby, but now it does.

The problem is that Cricket Australia’s idea of maximum credibility is flawed.

They told Shaun Tait he couldn’t play in the IPL and then a few weeks later they dropped him from their contracted list.

They had a selector who didn’t watch cricket on TV.

Their chairman of selectors didn’t know that their new spin prospect had only just moved to Perth.

In press releases they use statements they use phrases like cricket stakeholders and maximum credibility.

Their former captain was convinced of technology from over a hundred metres away.

They made a mistake about justifying Nathan Hauritz’s promotion, and then made up a fake plane timetable to justify it.

The selectors claimed they had done a good job after the Ashes.

They gave a struggling coach a three year deal just before he would lose an Ashes and go out in the quarter finals of the world cup.

It now looks entirely possible that they and India helped fix an ICC investigation.

They banned ICL players from coaching youngsters to curry favour with India only to then…

Put forward the name of John Howard even though they knew that he was a dick, that his promotion wouldn’t go through and that New Zealand had a perfectly adequate person for the job.

They told Getty Images that all Ashes books that wanted photos would have to get permission off Cricket Australia.

They picked Phil Hughes for Perth and tried to convince Cameron White he was a test spinner.

When Michael Clarke was booed by the crowd they said he wasn’t, then admitted he was, but talked about how popular he was with young people.

They took a normal List A cricket format and made it more confusing, less exciting and made it resemble no international competition in the world.

They gave Greg Chappell a made up Third Reich title and didn’t seem to know why the players had no idea who chairman of selectors was.

Selected the whole country in their pre-Ashes squad.

Maximum credibility?

I think for maximum credibility Cricket Australia should stop making public statements.

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Sep 02 2010
22 Comments
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Exclusive: Cricket Australia give two players life bans for betting on Test Matches

Cricket Australia (CA) has given two very high profile Australian cricketers life bans to prove that they are serious about cleaning up the game of cricket.

The decision follows a breach of team rules and ICC regulations during an Ashes test match that Australia went on to lose.

CA Chief Executive Officer James Sutherland said Dennis Lillee and Rodney Marsh would be given life bans from playing cricket from Australia and would the ICC would be informed of this decision immediately.

Pending ICC approval, the players will be allowed to work in cricket, but their playing future is over.

Australia’s test against the English at Headingley in 1981 was the game where both men have now confirmed they did make a bet on England to win that game. Against all odds England came back to win after the follow on had been enforced. At the time the bet was seen as a harmless prank, but cricket has changed since then.

Mr Sutherland said the decision to suspend Lillee and Marsh was regrettable.

“The breach of team rules of itself was a major offence, but in the current circumstances we thought we needed to show World Cricket and the PCB that you have to take these issues seriously” Mr Sutherland said.

“I am disappointed in Dennis and Rod, but I am also disappointed for them after all the work they have done with Australian cricket’s support in the last 29 years – - and CA will be encouraging and supporting them in the future”.

The life ban decision was discussed by CA’s Board which met this evening prior to a scheduled full-day Board meeting in Melbourne tomorrow. A CA management recommendation to the board in turn followed a unanimous recommendation from the team’s leadership group.

Lillee and Marsh are keen to continue working in cricket but are obviously upset they will never play cricket for their country again.

In other news, the ECB have asked the great-granddaughter of WG Grace to Lord’s to answer questions on odd occurences from tests in the 1800s.

This was a press release given to cwb, and only cwb for some reason.  Perhaps that means it’s fake, who knows.

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Aug 26 2010
7 Comments
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what the players think of 45 overs split innings matches

Not long ago I wrote about the Cricket Australia plan to dice up the one day game.

What do I care.  I don’t like one day cricket that much and I’ll hardly see any of the games.

But, the players have much more an interest in it, so why not let them chat about it.

So here is two differing opinions from current Australian domestic players.

Due to contracts, I have to not name one of the players, I’m sure you’ll understand why.

Positive:

I’m sure @CricketAus have put a lot of research into it! Something new and exciting for both fans and players! Can’t wait

Aaron Finch (when asked thoughts on the new one-day format).

Negative:

45 over, split innings cricket… its like your girlfriend stopping mid-blowjob saying she needs to do a shit, then you being able to smell it the whole time she continues. Sure, you can probably still get some enjoyment out of it. Just the lingering smell distracting you takes away from the contest at hand, and turns it into not a real blow job. There’s going to be a result, both teams won’t enjoy it as much as a blowjob without the stench, but there may indeed be an audience that will spectate this stinky-blow-job arena. It will at first be to see just what it does indeed smell like, but many will sing its praises as a new type of fetish that they will subscribe to religiously. Cricket Australia will market the ‘shit’ out of the blowjob, so you are left questioning whether there actually was a dump, maybe said dump smells quite good, or maybe even it was you who did the dump.

Fear not though lovers of a real sucking, for the blowjob is not yet dead. The Indians love to recieve a proper gobby, and have no interest in smelling the shit. In years to come this will be the type of hairy armpit, bushy minge blowjob that many sit back and watch together for a laugh secretly trying to hide their semi-erect penii in their stonewash jeans, while Cricket Australia think of the next kinky plan to ruin the great game of sucky sucky.

As usual, cricket with balls gives you both sides of the argument.

Fair, balanced and fucked up.

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Aug 23 2010
11 Comments
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Hey baby, let me manage your talent

Just when you assume that Cricket Australia can’t make you laugh, they pour acid in your ear and light your pubes on fire.

It didn’t seem to matter that Greg Chappell as a coach was like being made to kill your own dog, Cricket Australia seem to love him.

Perhaps it was because all of them owned the Greg Chappell hats as kids, or maybe they’ll all mental cuntards.

Either way, they have now outdone themselves and given Chappell the first ever full time selector role.

His first decision was to axe Sourav Ganguly.

No one had the heart to explain that he couldn’t.

But, and this is where Cricket Australia really outdid themselves, then they gave him a title.

It could have been “full time selector”, but that would be too sensible.

Instead his title is, “national talent manager”.

It seems like the title was made just to make people laugh so hard they didn’t notice Greg Chappell was given another job even though his record is pretty piss poor.

Why does he even need a title, he is a selector, that is a title, he is a massive cup of shit coffee, that is a title.

“Greg Chappell has been performing his duties as a shit cup of coffee for Australia quite well, and we have signed him on for another year”.

That could work.

“Greg Chappell has been busy managing the talent of Australia, he has spent long hours talent managing, and no one has a grip on the talent like Greg does”.

Maybe it all makes sense.  It could be that Cricket Australia actually hate Greg Chappell, and he has blackmailed them into giving him another job.

So they thought, fuck this guy, lets give at least give him a stupid title, and since we call the selectors the NSP, no one will ever suspect us.

Those cunning bastards.

They’re always one step ahead.

Ofcourse, they still have Greg Chappell.

Poor bastards.

Greg Chappell maybe the first person to get a job in cricket when he is dead, well not the first, the first outside of England.

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Jul 20 2010
6 Comments
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Cricket Australia gets weird and kinky, but not in a good way

The best sex rarely needs gimmicks, toys, third parties, food, or handcuffs.

That is not to say that all these things can’t be part of good sex, just that if you have to add them later because the sex is getting dull or repetitive, then something is wrong with the sex.  And by definition it isn’t the best sex.

This brings us to one day cricket and Cricket Australia.

They realise that the one day kind of sex is a bit stale, but instead of just doing it less – say each team playing their opposition only once in domestic cricket and 3 games series internationally – they are throwing every sexual gimmick at it they can.

The only thing they seem to be holding back is the ill-fated super sub of a few years back, which proved one thing, that if your sex life is struggling, bringing in someone else who by definition isn’t good enough to make your starting line up isn’t going to make the sex better.

The Cricket Australia idea is the equivalent of saying, “hey those quickies work, lets strap two of them together, then, lets make it sexy by letting one guy go twice, now lets tinker with the technique a bit, throw in some toys, and lets try and be kinkier throughout”.

That this mish mash of stupid ideas and half thought out concepts has come through focus groups and surveys should be no surprise to anyone.

According to CA, “People tell us they love one-day cricket, but that there is an opportunity to improve it.”  By people they mean James Sutherland’s cricket consumers.

The people who tune in for the 8 weeks a year to watch cricket in the summer and who probably don’t know how the batting powerplay works (although that could make them international captains).

T20 cricket already exists. Baseball already exists.  Now so does this spilt innings designated hitting 40 over nonsense.  But I’d bet on the first two being a tad more successful.

The people who were tested clearly don’t like one day cricket, because they have gutted it. Even if this format works, which I can’t see in its current state, it won’t end one day matches.  I don’t care if the one day format dies, but regardless Split cricket will just be forced into cricket’s schedule, probably without taking anything else out.

The easiest option would be to look at how many ODIs were played in world cricket before T20 cricket, and play half that amount, and fill the rest in with T20s, which people like and understand.

Then bring in some of the better suggestions, more bouncers, leniency for leg side wides, minimum of four bowlers, and even the four men outside the circle idea if you want to.

Those CA suggestions may not help the One day game, but changing it to a different game doesn’t help it either.

I suppose the most important is to not listen to a guy who writes, “I took my son to see Chris Gayle and the bastard failed, I paid bloody good money for it, had to travel all the way from bloody Epping on the non-express train.  Gayle should bloody well be allowed to have another go, for my son, he shouldn’t have to watch Ramdin or some shit bloke like that”.

The rule with sports and sex should always be the same, if you’re making it more complicated; the chances of it being good are pretty limited.

It doesn’t take long to explain a quickie or T20.

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Jun 18 2010
17 Comments
aussies

The new Ashes Ad

So Cricket Australia has come up with an ad to promote the ashes.

Take a look.

What works:

Sure the technology isn’t quite Avatar, but it is better than I would do. Actual money and thought has gone into this.

Who wouldn’t want to see an all time XI of their players coming out on the field.

The nice looking sequence from Lillee to Lindwall to Johnson.

The editing in general, I like the flow, the build up, etc.

Dickie Bird.

What doesn’t:

Cricket Australia knows cricket, so don’t play down to the fans, Beefy and KP opening? Come on, Boycs, Gooch, Athers or Strauss all could have batted there and the Aussie public wouldn’t have been confused. Strauss holds the Ashes at the moment, Gooch’s moustache is unmistakable, Boycs or Athers getting sledged by Warne makes sense.

Ponting leading the team out. Please. Look at that fucking team. Richie, Bradman, Border, Waugh and Chappell. Richie should captain the side, but Border and Bradman would probably get in a punch up to take that side out, Ricky isn’t in the frame.

While the sequence from Lillee to Lindwall to Johnson is well made, Johnson? According to mumbrella (an Aussie Advertising blog), “The players featured in the spot were selected by Cricket Australia based on the contribution they made to the outcome of an Ashes series in which they participated, and on the availability of archive playing footage.” Johnson’s contribution to the last Ashes was mainly laughs. His bowling was less than shit for 3 tests, and his batting never even arrived in England. I understand wanting current players in this ad, but putting Johnson in a team without Miller or McGrath, or even Gillespie, or Alan Davidson, or Max Walker, is bullshit pandering. Don’t make it an all time XI with a work experience kid in it.

The commentators, Nicholas and Slater, hmmmm, not exactly two of the great commentators. McGilvray? Arlott? Richie? That dude who tapes the pencil as Bradman hits runs in all those old Videos… Don’t pretend it woldn’t have been cool for Richie to commentate on Richie.

Miller? The dude did play after Bradman, there must be footage. If I made this ad it would just be Miller and Warne. Not even out on the ground, just at a bar trying to crack onto two women, Miller with the hot one and Warney with her friend, then have Beefy and KP sitting in the corner looking pissy.

I do like the ad, but it could have been better. That said, Cricket Australia do make some nice ads.

Cheers to P Kiddy for first showing it to me.

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Feb 01 2010
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dear cricket australia,

We get it.

You own the footage of test matches in Australia, and you don’t want others putting it up for free.

But, if you really think you can shut down all the afridi videos on you tube and everywhere else you need to come down from the roof and put some clothes on.

The dude put a cricket ball in his mouth; people are going to keep uploading it. That is how the internet works.

This is like cricket’s version of the gorrilla who puts his finger up his ass and sniffs it, or jazz hands kitten.

The internet lives for this kind of stuff, so claiming copyright on it is stupid, pointless and a waste of your resources.

As an organisation you aren’t going to put up videos of Haddin’s hand of dog keeping, Hussey’s Benny Hill routine or a player putting a cricket ball in his mouth, that makes sense.

That doesn’t stop people wanting to see it.

This is a good thing, people love cricket, and they want to see the funny, illegal and weird shit that goes on.

Don’t spend your time sanitizing the game, any publicity is good publicity.

No one would have talked about this one day series in 12 days time had the captain of the Pakistani team not tried to eat a cricket ball.

Every time some clicks on an illegal video, you as custodians of cricket in Australia get free publicity, your sponsors get free publicity, and the game of cricket gets free publicity.

All good things.

Yours sincerely,

Jrod

Tagged ,
Mar 12 2009
blogs

We heart cricket. Big time.

Hello kiddies! Our names are Kiki and Sassy. We are best friends/hetero life mates from Sydney. That’s Kiki with the pigtails, and Sassy is the one rocking the fro. No, it’s not a wig. She is a genetic mystery, don’t question it.

This is what Cricket Australia thinks cricket fans want.

What other game gives you an excuse to park yourself on the lounge for five days straight? It’s genius. We love all of cricket’s adorable little quirks. Like the umpires in their wide-brimmed hats and Madonna microphones, and the fact the way they graciously hold a players jumper while he’s bowling. It’s so … courteous.

Anyway, we are tres excited to be here with our heads up on cricket.com.au. It’s all green and yellow and Australian. It’s almost like being e-selected for the Aussie cricket team. Yes people, we now share an employer with Mister Ricky Ponting. We are assuming our baggy greens are in the mail.

This is proof of the apocalypse.

If you want to go over and look at the whole post, look at the comments as well.

They are clearly faked.

Badly.

Posted by Tracey at
12/03/2009 10:41 AM
I don’t know much about cricket, but hearing about it from your point of view has definintely made it seem fun. Not only are you hilarious, but you are great teachers too…I think this might actually get me interested in cricket!
Someone please burn me alive, and then piss on my ashes.
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Oct 17 2008
Uncategorized

what’s in a name

It just struck me today, that the BCCi cop more flak than they should because of their name.

Board of Control for Cricket in India.

That is evil sounding, like Delta Goodrem.

Compare that to the friendly Cricket Australia.

Or the beige english Cricket Board.

I suggest they change their name.

Shareholders of the Indian Cricket Company

Ofcourse then Australia would have to change theirs.

Cricket Regulators of Australian Professionals

And then we might as well do England’s.

Federation of the United Kingdom of Cricket

Anyone willing to rename the ICC for me?

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Feb 14 2008
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burning kittens

Recently I have been attacking the cricket administracrats a lot.

I don’t mean it, but they just continue to p1ss me off.

Now they have set fire to a bunch of kittens, so I feel obliged to attack them again.

The poor defenceless Bangladeshi tiger kittens are cute and adorable, and appear to be like Peter Pan.

Recently they lost to another minnow side heavily, being kittens they will bounce back, but kittens need someone to play with.

Enter Cricket Australia who has cancelled their test tour to Australia’s most famous cricket grounds like Marrara Stadium and the one named after alcohol.

As the kittens softly weep in the background I hear you ask why?

Because the Olympics are on at the same time.

Now I’ve never been a professional sport official, so perhaps I don’t know how all this tricky stuff works, but surely some in the Cricket Australia ivory tower had a calendar with all the major sporting events around the globe on it.

And the first one you would put on it would be the Olympics.

I personally couldn’t give a rats about the Olympics, but even I know it’s on 080808 for some sort of Chinese symmetry reason.

So why have the cricket administracrats suddenly decided to cancel the tour, why now, at this late stage have they abandoned the poor kittens.

Probably because they are idiots and they don’t really care what happens to defenceless kittens, because they won’t make them a lot of money.

Nothing smells worse than burning Kittens, well that’s what the army guys said in Darwin when they burnt them.

Apparently Darwin is a good place to burn kittens, who knew.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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