Tagged with chris gayle

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Chris Gayle has been toing and froing when it comes to the West Indian captaincy.

At first he was reluctant to take the job, but then when he did, his team had their best performaces for quite some time, and more than once, he smiled.

Then Australia came over and ground out two victories and Chris had better things to do with his time than give press conferences.

Eventually, after what seemed a pornographically long wait, he told them he was out.

But they couldn’t let go, they sent him flowers, got family members, asked his friends to help, and eventually Chris decided that he wanted to be captain again.

I don’t blame Gayle, if your not a captaincy sort of chap, you can’t force it, but it must be hard to say no to your country like that.

Like Toby Ziegler says, it isn’t a job someone asks you to do, you should have a burning desire to do it.

Gayle doesn’t.

He is unsure, he has baulked several times.

He isn’t calling.

He has to be wooed.

He breaks dates.

He has other things on his mind.

Basically he’s just not that into you.

So find a man that will treat you right, who wants to be with you, and kick him to the curb girlfriend.

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Cool dudes in the news

The West Indies have clearly missed their cool dude leader.

But he is back, and the world can rejoice again.

And in his absence he has been working on percentages.

“I’m not 100% fit, but 90%, but I can cope. I wasn’t 90% fit in Antigua. The physio said I was 70%, and basically we didn’t want to risk it.”

Can you think of a player less likely to calculate percentages than Gayle.

He was so excited at his new mathematical skills he managed to use % 4 times in about 20 seconds, which just proves that no matter what Gayle does, he does it to the extreme.

Australia’s coolest player, Roy, has managed to miss his team bus.

They fined him $3000, plus he had to pay the taxi fare, so that’s like $3015 in total.

Of recent times Roy seems to be propping up the batting order regularly.

Perhaps he should start handing out his own fines.

Clarke, $5000 for turning up late to the tour and making everyone else look out of form when you got here.

Katich, $83,000 for looking like a Krab at the crease.

Haddin, $12,500 for not starting your career like Gilly did.

Hodge, $23,000 for the freakin Wolf Blass ad.

Hussey, $23,000 for that freakin Wolf Blass ad.

Jacques, $112,000 for batting like a samurai warrior in first class cricket, and an Origami warrior in test cricket.

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Gayle hides in the attic

Chris Gayle is pretty cool.

Compared to you or me that is.

Especially you.

But I don’t think that he is a particularly deep thinker.

I could be wrong.

But why on earth would he openly admit that he is rubbish vs Vaas.

It doesn’t make sense, Vaas is not a big talker, only people who have seen the last few Sri Lanka V West Indies series would really have known about this.

So about 5 people.

Hence why coming out and stating it is odd.

It makes it more real.

It gives Vaas even more confidence.

And it means every press conference Gayle gives from here on in is going to involve questions about Vaas.

Perhaps even questioning his courage or his leadership skills in allowing an all rounder to open so he could hide himself a 6.

Ofcourse this is part of the appeal of a man like Gayle. While you and I would hit the nets, look at tapes, think about new stratergies, he goes upto WWF Bravo and says, wanna open the batting today.

Simple.

Clean.

He probably wouldn’t take as much notice of Journalists pestering him anyway, so maybe his way does work.

He made runs, Bravo made runs, and Vaas didn’t get him out.

So he remains cooler than us for another test.

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The paint is dried

While you were sleeping, working, resting, ot doing whatever people who aren’t me do, I was working for you.

Why, because here at cricket with balls we take this shit seriously dawg.

How seriously, well at 3 in the AM, I was chasing cricket scores so I could keep you informed.

There is no need to thank me, but while all of you wrote off the Sri Lanka Windies game as a boring event, I put in the hard yards.

And do you know what I found.

The Windies are not completely out of this game.

This is not, to quote the worst simpsons character, unpossible.

They are 1/96 requiring a further 340 runs on the last day.

Devon Smith is out, but that’s hardly the worst thing ever.

At the crease, after he was bizarrely chosen to open the batting, is Dwayne “Smackdown” Bravo on 40odd.

Chris Gayle dropped himself to number 4, so he could employ the attacking instincts of Bravo.

Just ponder that.

Chris Gayle is by far cooler than you, I, and most other people, but the dude doesn’t really think things through does he.

If he really wanted to employ attacking instincts then surely he and Bravo would go out together, and forget about this Devon Smith nonsense.

As attacking as Bravo is, is there another man on earth who can attack like Gayle can?

Gayle could bring down an Empire in a session.

According to our learned Pakistani correspondent.

There is a possibility that the Windies chase down a record total. That would mean something. They’ve done it against the Aussies..no reason why not again..

Well Q, there are plenty of reasons why they can’t, Murali, 5th day, inexperienced batting line up and John Dyson is coach.

But let me just jump out on this twig for a moment.

Not only do I believe the Windies will win this test, I think they’ll do it without having lost more than 4 wickets.

Let em have it chaps.

Visit Q at Well Pitched, he’d like that.

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how i sees em

Some of you may notice I see cricket differently.

You guys see a leg spinner, I see an absurdist.

You see a test nation, I see an ex lover.

You see Shaun Pollock play cricket, I pretend he never played.

You see Jacques Kallis, I see a dud root.

So when I look at international batsmen this is what I see.

Michael Clarke – a teenage boy who is eagerly trying to please his mates hot mum. The more Cleavage she gives, the more excited he gets.

Sanath Jayasuriya – slices the ball like some Genghis Khan wannabe.

Virender Sehwag – bats like a dude who will fu©k anything. Doesn’t matter if he hits or misses, just likes to get laid a lot.

Adam Gilchrist – swings the bat like a junkie swatting away imaginary monkeys.

Kumar Sangakarra – has the presence of Lee Marvin whilst holding a bat, and almost as funny as Lee whilst using the gloves.

Matty Hayden – bats like a 14 year old kid beating the sh1t out of a 10 year old kid.

Graeme Smith – tries to bat like a 14 year old kid beating the sh1t out of a 10 year old kid.

Kevin Pietersen – is a lot like Robbie Williams, wishes he could make it big in America, must learn to be content with the fact he gets laid a lot regardless of America.

Michael Hussey – is a robot sent from the future to destroy us.

Jacques Kallis – has the rare ability to suck the fun out of cricket to such a degree, you wonder how hard it would be to use a sniper rifle.

Shahid Afridi – bats like an ice addict who has just gunned down two cops and knows they’re gonna find him soon.

Runako Morton – is something of a Howard Hughes batsman.

Sachin Tendulkar – bats like a kid with a bat 4 times too heavy, 3 times too long, and yet has found a way to use it.

Shivnarine Chandrepaul – stands at the crease like a kid from Chernobyl, bats like a kid from Harvard Law school.

Stephen Fleming – always seems to have a good book in the change room.

Michael Vaughn – Used to be a batsmen.

Ian Bell – is a carpenter with all the tools, and very little knowledge of when and where to use them.

Ross Taylor – is like a really hot chick, who knows she is really hot, and therefore not that hot.

Chris Gayle – a drunken Canadian woodchopper.

Mohammad Ashraful – is William Shatner in Star Trek, flashes of brilliance, but it will be a long time before he gets to Boston Legal.

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pretty boys

The team at Sportsfreak have had it with narcissistic cricketers.

Here is there story.

Boom Boom.

In the 1980s, the UK based fanzine (remember them?) ran a regular series called “Medallion Men”. This was devoted to players, not always of world-class, whose main claim to fame was in drawing attention to themselves by wearing ridiculous large medallions; often more than one. The general feeling was that these people backed themselves a bit. Phil DeFreitas was their ultimate Medallion Man.

Well fashion moves on. Yesterday’s medallions have been upstaged by today’s multi-coloured highlights, Alice bands, and body piercing. Today’s international cricketers vie with professional footballers in having a level of vanity matched only by a lack of taste. We list the leaders in this revolution.

10. Ryan Sidebottom

Unique in this list in that his mirror-staring is based on an image that is at least 20 years out of date. While retro may be in at the moment, was Michael Bolton ever worth imitating? However, the self-important flicking of the head to get rid of the permed locks from his face does add good comedy value.

9. Brendon McCullum

The man of the future. Not only does he sport a nice range of hair tint, but he also has a stamp album’s worth of tattoos adorning his body.

This is something typically reserved for rugby players; either code, but normally Polynesian; Baz has clearly decided that it is high time for cricket to catch up. Watch this space in 2010.

8. Brett Lee

Admittedly, he could be worse, and on the field is less image conscious than he was a few years ago. But anyone who has ever seen the Bolywood pop song will understand why he is on this list.

7. Jacob Oram

Is this some weird backlash to growing up in Palmerston North; a mini-city that is still waiting for the Beatles to arrive? But it is almost impossible why a The Perfect Boyfriend should first grow some queer mod mop, and then go through most shades of gold in his hair. Perhaps it’s just a throwback to his footballing past.

6. Lasith Malinga

If this guy had spent as much time watching his action in the mirror rather than his hair his action would be very different.

A perm and a dye all on the same head is quite special; but fast bowlers should not need to look like that to be scary.

5. Andrew Symonds

Another Englishman makes the list, and no explanation is required.

4. Kevin Pietersen

Where do you start? Lets start with the Beckham-like 3 Lions tattoo on the shoulder. Only a South African would be stupid enough to overlook the ugly hooligan images that one conjures up.

Then there is the skunk phase; followed by the current patchy skinhead look. None of them work, and neither does the ear-ring in every orifice routine. How does this guy get through airports?

3. Chris Gayle
Of all the players on this list, the attention to detail in working on his image while out there playing can get in the way of his performance. It’s bowling while making sure your head stays still so those sunglasses don’t fall off. And standing for 5 minutes on end with your hands in pockets may be dead cool, but it makes slip catching a bit difficult.

Way too much bling too, and a lot of it looks uncomfortable.

2. Stuart Broad

This one has come from nowhere. Son of a true Medallion Man, perhaps it should come as no huge surprise. But the main impact so far in career has been more from his striking hairstyle than performances on the field.

Although he bowls at a pace that may make him a test player one day, it is no surprise he has shone in the ODI format. This is probably due to the fact that it involves playing under lights. The kaleidoscope of colours his hair goes through as the lights take effect is pretty unpleasant. And the darkness around the eyes is just plain wrong.

1. Nathan Brackan

This guy looks so bad that even Chelsea would not employ him. During the length of this column Sportsfreak has been very careful not to stray into homophobia territory, but it is impossible to describe Bracken without going there.

He looks like the transvestite off Silence of the Lambs, and the deteriorating nature of his campness is the over-riding impression. Note how Harbidjan has never dared pat him on the botty.

Note There are a lot of fast bowlers in this list.

Ganguly, Michael Clarke, Shane Watson, Herschelle Gibbs, and Shoaib Akhtar were considered for this list but rejected due to the fact that their major reasons for ridicule lie elsewhere.

Scott Styris was similarly rejected.

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The windies

The West Indies are horrible.

We have all dealt with that.

But with if they are less horrible than say waking up with Tori Spelling on your shoulder.

In South Africa there have been signs that there is a cricket team hiding behind the guys in Maroon shirts.

They won a test, a rained reduced 2020 game, and then struggled in the one day series.

This is a team who has had Gayle & Sarwan missing for huge periods of time.

Lack of depth not withstanding, I think this very young team has something about them.

Devon Smith proved today, in this frustrating water soaked game, that he can bat. If you think he can’t bat, every time you see Smith pretend it’s Ganga.

Smith & Gayle at the top of the order. And with McGrath’s best mate Sarwan at 3, its something of a top 3. It’s not Cook, Vaughn and Bell (which is no hayden, jacques and Ponting) but it has flair, fight and unpredictability.

Following them is Chandrepaul, no point him batting any lower, especially as he is terrible batting with the tail and should be batting in the top four as the best batsman,

Samuels has shown signs on this tour that he actually cares and behind him is Dwayne Bravo. Samuels & Bravo obviously have talent, and from what I’ve seen of the replacements, you are better off dancing with these guys than finding a new partner.

Bravo would probably be a far better batsman if he wasn’t an all rounder, but an all rounder with his skill doesn’t come along all that often. Bravo is a more than decent bowler, and most importantly he is an all rounder who can actually take wickets. There isn’t many number 6 batsman who are as good with the ball as he is.

Ramdin is just a keeper and just a batsman, but he seems like a fighter, just a shame he is always in the wrong division. Also has a very tiny head, looks weird in a helmet.

Their bowling is not too shabby. Edwards, Powell and Taylor all have pace and what marketing execs refer to as the X factor. Edwards is a real favourite of mine, I think he’s a little nuts, and I react positively to that.

With the 4 quick bowlers in their side they can even pick a spinner, I’d probably suggest that spinner isn’t Rawl Lewis. Not because he is old, just because I can’t imagine a situation where he ever takes 3 wickets in a game. Perhaps if he invents a machine that turns test batsmen into swans he might get two, if the swans had no pads on.

In the short term Sammy is the 5th bowler, he can hold a bat, which makes up for the fact that Ramdin isn’t that good, and he bowls a good line and length, even if he does round out a quintet of seam bowlers.

On paper, which is the only place my imaginary West Indian side has played, they have more ability and way more match winning potential than New Zealand.

Ofcourse the Windies would kill for a side as mentally tough as the Kiwis. At this stage they kill for a side as mentally tough as Campbellfield under 14’s.

It may not be always pretty, and there are still going to be some Spelling type losses but every now and then they will beat a good side, lose to a sh1t side and in general do things that make Viv Richards wish he had hair to pull out.

They may never be Natalie Portman, but they may become an interesting Liv Tyler from time to time.

A 2nd favourite type side, that doesn’t beat your side, but you enjoy watching.

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are the west indies the new tori spelling?

Marlon Samuels just scored his first hundred in 5 years, 2002/03 against India was the last.

Let me tell you about 5 years ago, I was dating a girl who had not yet faked a pregnancy or told me she was about to kill herself in order to win me back.

George Bush had not yet invaded Iraq.

Shaun Pollock was Captain of South Africa.

The last matrix film hadn’t come out.

Paris Hilton wasn’t famous.

Jacques Kallis had hair.

Aravinda de silva still played cricket.

Woody Allen lived in New York.

Rupert Murdoch was Australian.

Mel Gibson was a closet Christian.

Sime was a fish and chip magician.

And Big Daddy was single.

Also back then a young kid by the name of Marlon Samuels looked like he could be the next big thing from the Windies.

5 years on, and the Windies are now only better than Bangladesh and the Kiwis (debatable, but going on form in South Africa).

Their captain bats like a drunk Canadian woodchopper.

Their best batsmen is a man who seems to have had enough of carrying his pathetic team mates.

Their gun all rounder is a derringer.

Their bowling is less predictable than Robin Williams.

And the rest of their batsmen are grade cricketers who got lost on their way to real jobs.

The Windies are really really really sh1t. Tara Reid sh1t, Celine Dion sh1t, TORI SPELLING SH1T.

Their only hope in not being the worst real test nation is if New Zealand can’t field a team, which by my estimations will happen in 2011.

The worst thing was they got up our expectations by winning a test in South Africa, nothing could wipe the smile off my face, well until the 2nd test started and they got flogged.

Will that be the last test win they have away from home?

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Lord Megachief of Gold & the Imaginary Girlfriend Sex theory

One day I will write a really positive article on Shivnarine Chanderpaul, today is not that day.

Sometimes in life you need to do things for the Greater Good, the Greater Good.

It’s like if you have a girl friend, and you think all her friends are pretentious w@nkers, and she asks you to go to a party at one of their houses. By not going to said party, you may anger your girlfriend, and sex may be withheld from you.

So even though you don’t want to spend a minute with these people, you understand that a few hours with them will give between 1 and 2 minutes of pure dirty lust filled joy with her.

Shivnarine needs to understand this principle.

We know that he doesn’t want to captain the Windies, he quit that job to concentrate on his batting.

This has worked out quite nicely for him.

But with Gayle injured, Sarwan not available and Frank Worrell dead, surely Shiv would have said, look, I don’t want to do this, but I understand that for one game, and one game only, I am the man who should lead my country, you know for the Greater Good, the Greater Good.

I would have thought, however incorrectly, that this is a sure thing to happen.

Apparently not.

Instead Dwayne Bravo is going to be captain, sure he is vice captain, but that was chosen to give his game focus, and surely not because he was giving invaluable tips to Gayle.

In the field of the last 2 tests I have hardly seen Gayle chat to Bravo.

I think Bravo is a gun player, who probably needs stick and carrot type handling, but being that he is 24 and has played in one test victory and Chanderpaul is almost as old as Bryce McGain and has played in over 100 tests, for this occasion perhaps Shiv might have been the better option.

I hope I’m wrong, cause if I’m wrong, South Africa might lose the series, and I will dance for 12 minutes straight if that happens.

But I won’t be getting my dancing shoes out just yet, with Gayle out and Edwards doubtful, I can’t see the Windies winning.

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smile people, cricket is still funny

People are taking cricket a little too seriously at the moment.

The Indians are mad at the Australians and West Indian umpires.

The South Africans are furious at the West Indies.

The English hate wicket keepers.

The New Zealanders are angry at their own.

And the Kenyan team is in hiding.

So I thought I’d lighten the mood.

Here is my top ten reasons to be thankful for cricket.

10. Fat people can play. Although some of them cheat.

9. It’s a summer sport, where women wear revealing tops in the crowd, male camera men find these women and bring them into our home via the television. Great invention the television.

8. Rather than stalking victims and becoming a serial killer, Andre Nel becomes a fast bowler.

7. The greatest sport for sexual innuendo, nothing funnier than Ian Chappell talking about the batsman being a good puller.

6. VVS Laxman could have been saving sick children, instead he lifts our spirit with his wrist work. Those pesky kids can look after themselves.

5. Remember the time Allan Donald almost killed the emir of somewhere with oil in a world cup. How funny was that.

4. If it wasn’t for cricket, we would never have seen Chris Gayle, as if he could be bothered playing soccer. I don’t think I could live in a Chris Gayle free world.

3. Name another sport where 6 foot 5 black men would play in pink uniforms and still be feared. That Kerry Packer was a brave yet odd man.

2. If cricket wasn’t a sport, we’d have to find something else to pick on England about.

1. We wouldn’t know Tony Greig was a pervert.

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