Tagged with bryce mcgain

the end of the end for Bryce McGain

Oh baby, when it’s over, it’s over. It’s been a hell of a ride.

Most people don’t go from an ordinary bank worker who plays a bit of cricket on the weekend in their 20s to playing for their country in 30s.

It doesn’t happen for many reasons, and at least one of those is that bank employees usually bowl off spin.

Bryce McGain bowled leg spin. I said that in the past tense on purpose.

And while most IT workers were busy hacking into ex girlfriends email accounts, Bryce was planning to play Test cricket.  Even if test cricket didn’t know or care who he was.

Then through his dogged denial, the most amazing spin bowling drought in Australian cricket, his will to succeed and the power of legspin, Bryce played for his country, and was crucified.

It was perhaps one of the greatest sacrifices of a human being that anyone will see.

Bryce’s flesh was hacked off with blunt objects piece by piece and thrown to the masses by brutal South Africans.

No player has ever come back from anything that harsh in their first test, and even though Bryce was a one man middle aged fairytale come true, not even he could recover from this slaughtering.

Yet, Bryce didn’t run off and cry.

He just kept going.

Age had always been against him, but the man could not step down, he could not fade away, and he would not retire with his one cap clenched firmly in his grasp.

After the ritual public embarrassment he had he could have been forgiven for taking the job as a caretaker of a factory in some shut down industrial estate and spending the rest of his days like a real life Wall-e.

Instead, Bryce stood tall, and came back for Victoria and continued to try to get back into the Australian team.

His whole career had been a series of fool’s errands, what was one more?

That said, this was the first time that he knew what everyone else had always thought, he wasn’t going to make it back.

It seemed like this was just to prove he was made of something.

That made the fact he tried one last time even braver than all those years of him trying to make it in obscurity.

At least before he had that small glimmer of hope that what he was doing might lead to playing for Australia, and that if it didn’t, few would know he failed.

This one was in vain and in public, with people sniggering and mentioning his figures as he continued to try hard with far less belief than he had before.

Yet, there he was, turning up for Victoria, trying hard, and doing everything he could to give himself the slightest chance.

If he was the middle age dream before, the man who made it because he wouldn’t give up, now he was the middle age reality, the man who kept doing what he did out of pride and because he probably didn’t know what else to do.

Now that decision has been made for him, Victoria’s decision to release him from contract is nothing like the brutal way South Africa ended his test career.  This was far more like a loving family member putting a pillow over Bryce’s mouth and waiting for him to stop wriggling.

Today Bryce McGain starts the rest of his life, it’s probably not going to be as cool as playing for his country, but he was the man who was never supposed to make it and did, so I wouldn’t put anything beyond him.

It’s been one hell of a story, Bryce. Well played and good luck.

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Nice Bryce takes 5 for Essex

I actually wrote this last night, which is tonight for me.  Or to be technical I wrote it after midnight, so earlier this morning.

I tell you that because the headline says that Bryce McGain took 5 wickets.

Now he may not have.

There is a chance, however slim, that Bryce, in his first game for Essex, did not take 5 wickets.

Life is unpredictable, years ago I kicked random cats, now i kick my own.

So while Bryce is probably going to take a five for in his first bowl ever in county cricket, he may not.

Regardless, I will back him to do this. Sure I didn’t see how he bowled in the match like Sarah did.

But I feel like Bryce and I have an unspoken, unnatural and unreal bond. He probably feels it too.

Bryce has overcome so much in his life, that all he needs is one wicket to complete a well earned (read exxpensive) 5 wicket haul, so he will do it.

Obviously there are some things beyond his control like a declaration, flash flood, or some nasty type digging up the pitch, but other than something like that, Bryce will prevail.

It won’t be a glorious five for.

They won’t talk about it for the ages.

Like most things for Bryce, he will work hard for it, it won’t be given to him, and it will take longer than most, but at 38, he will have his first five wicket haul in county cricket.

Or he won’t, and I’ll delete this post and you’ll never know about it.

Or I’ll leave it up, as a tribute to Bryce, the man who took 4 wickets in his first county match, but bloody well earned them.

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Little Nathan strikes again

“Oh, he is so cute and loveable; I just wanna take him home to my mum so we can double team him”.

I know that is what you think about little Nathan Hauritz.  But behind that puppy dog exterior is a cold-hearted assassin.  One who will kill anyone to get where he wants.  An aspirational career driven sociopath.

Not only has he led many a batsman to their untimely and embarrassing end, he is also taking out Australian spinners one at a time.

First was beautiful Beau Casson, who was too young to die, but Hauritz took him out during a shield game, but made it look like suicide.  He placed sweets down on a trail that led Beau got to the edge of a cliff and Nathan ran up behind him in a Mr Squiggle mask and said boo.

Then Bryce McGain was taken out when Hauritz bribed Kallis with 7 pigs he killed with his owns hands.  When that wasn’t enough Hauritz showed Kallis and Prince this website, but most importantly the parts about Prince, Kallis and Bryce, to prove that I don’t exist and Bryce writes this site.

And now, Jason Krejza is gone.

It was probably the most horrendous of all Nathan’s crimes, as he did it with help of a whole team of suicidal Pakistani batsmen, and the Tasmanian brain’s trust.

It was disgusting, and when Nathan was finished all that was left was a puddle of blood, excrement and organs, with a newspaper clipping that was mostly unreadable except for the number 12.

Sorry to burst your bubble, people, but little Nathan is an angel of death.

One by one he is taking these spinners out.  Right under our noses.  Yet no one is doing anything about it.

Someone must stop him, otherwise Steven Smith will take a bite of some weird tasting vegemite sandwiches any day now.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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Australia picks a legspinner

There is no surprise that on the day that my book comes out is the day Australia has picked a Victorian on debut and a leg spinner, even if he doesn’t play.

This is obviously Cricket Australia’s way of apologising for ripping off my idea.

It is not enough; I would have preferred Bryce McGain.

So am I happy with Andrew Hildtich plucking Smith from his inner bowels?

For

Australia has picked a leg spinner.

He can bat.

He is a wicket taker in limited overs cricket.

He is baby faced.

His name is easy to remember.

His recent form with the bat is pretty tasty.

He has real actual talent.

Moises Henriques will be mad.

Against

Hauritz’s average would laugh at his first class average.

Shane Warne said he should not be picked yet.

He is a batsman who bowls; best way to ruin him is to pick him as a bowler.

It is the Waca for fucks sake.

Jason Krejza invented a super duper mystery ball, and none of us get to see him bowl it live.

Last week he said he bowled bad because the ball was sticky.

He is from NSWales.

Now he has to meet Ricky Ponting.

Get my book, you know, if you want, no pressure.

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Australia gets doosra’d

Ed Cowan told twitter it came out of the footmarks and gave him wood.

Jimmy Maxwell said it hit a crack and was a work in progress.

Terry Jenner informed Australia it was chucking and against the law in his book.

And AGB questions if the selectors will pick someone who bowls it.

All of this because Australia’s off spinning back up, Jason Krezja, got one to go the other way.

About 12 people have seen this ball (it was during a shield game), but it has stirred up some emotion already.

Not be left behind, Nathan Hauritz has jumped on the doosra bandwagon, saying he has one, but he is afraid to use it. Strong words, Nathan.

Bryce McGain doesn’t have one, but he did take 7 wickets for 92 runs in his last first class game and I haven’t stopped smiling since.

Aaron O’Brien probably doesn’t have one, but no one knows who he is anyway.

Marcus North doesn’t care. He is a batsman.

This time last year I was writing about how you’d be better off trying to survive a zombie attack than trying to pick an aussie spinner.

Now there is little Nathan defying logic and common sense, Krezja has a mystery ball, McGain is fit, and O’Brien is taking wickets and making runs.

Four of the top ten wicket takers in first class cricket this year are spinners, last year at this stage there were none, and that doesn’t even count little Nathan, Cullen Bailey or Jon Holland.

Oh baby, Australia is spinning again, both ways.

Australia may not be the spinning wasteland it was, there are options, all rounders, wrist spinners, and now one of their spinners has dabbled in voodoo.

The selectors NSP are even going to use little Nathan at the gabbatoir, even if he doesn’t believe in his doosra yet.

It is like the Oval never happened.

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The Australian Squad for the Ashes in a parallel universe

The test squad for the Ashes seems pretty worked out, bar the two all rounders.

But what of the parallel universe, as they prepare for their series, we take a look through the wormhole at the make up of their team.

In that universe they pick squads on Tuesday. Obviously.

M North (captain) – Having cemented his captaincy after Shane Warne’s retirement he fires up the team with sensible slogans and common sense captaincy.

C White (vice captain) – When Cameron is not poisoning North’s meals he is the number 7 Australia has been waiting for since Ian Harvey retired, and his big turning leg breaks are unplayable.

S Katich – This stylish batsman doesn’t make many runs, but when he makes runs, the whole world sighs in orgasmic delight.

M Klinger – Struggling to perform as a Jew, Klinger has had the best run of his life since converting to Satanism.

B Hodge – Although suspected in the deaths of many of Australia’s best young batsmen, Hodge has never been charged, and his form is as good as ever. The selectors love his good nature ribbing.

D Hussey – Inspired by the tragic auto erotic asphyxiation of his brother, David becomes the worlds most dominant stroke maker.

M Cosgrove – Even though Cosgrove’s form is poor, he is selected for the tour on the basis that he gets his weight back up to over 120kgs. Coach Darren Lehmann remains confident he can gain the weight and form.

D Christian – Australia decide to follow the South African example and set a quota of one Aboriginal player in every test. After poor results bringing Jason Gillespie and Ryan Campbell out of retirement, they settle for Dan Christian, and find that he is shit hot.

L Carseldine – Is now technically steel than flesh, but the ICC is slow to move on banning bionic cricketers, and Lee’s metal torso body and titanium legs will be allowed in the ashes.

C Hartley – Is the best keeper in the world, averages 12 with the bat, but everyone knows you take the best keeper regardless of batting quality.

S Tait – Australia finally get the best out of Shaun Tait by employing Rodney Hogg as his full time carer. The two fall in love and get married in the lunacy room.

B McGain – Was humiliated by losing his test spot in South Africa after missing the flight over, but is fired up to star in his first test against England.

M Inness – Even though he had retired, experts realise that Matthew’s first class average was 2fucken5 and pick him for the tour.

D Pattinson – The man the Ashes hopes rely on. His 26 wickets against South Africa in only 3 tests was just about perfect fast bowling.

D Marsh – Some would say that Dan is an odd choice, especially since he is retired, but Chief Selector Rod Marsh said “we needed a hard bastard to toughen these fuckers up”.  Is picked to be the back up keeper/spinner/batsman.

They should do well against Rob Key’s England.

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Cricket With Balls’ Own Holly Colvin wins the world cup, others do things as well

You might be thinking, oh poor Jrod, look what happened to Bryce.

He must be crying into his full english breakfast.

Not so, while bryce has had a weekend worse than the time my foreskin got caught in a zipper, Cricket With Balls’ Own Holly Colvin hit the winning runs in the world cup.

Ying, Yang, and all that stupid shit.

I didn’t pick Holly thinking she would save me from McGain Pain, but she has.

She single-handedly won the world cup for England.

She bowled the most overs in the tournament.

Took 9 wickets at 18.

Had an economy rate of 2.65.

And then hit the winning runs.

But that is all bullshit, what she did was bring presence.

Presence doesn’t transcend into stats.

It is intangible, like turgid yogalates.

But she was the banker for the English team, they knew she wasn’t going to go for many, they knew other teams would have to go around her, like Daniel Vettori, only in a good team.

So while the pain of bryce’s mind fuck performance is there, Holly has evened my emotions out.

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The horror chapter

The tale of the Bryce has never been a dull one.

It should be.

He is a father who works for a bank, in IT, and is in his mid 30s.

But Bryce has taken me high, and left me low on many an occasion.

This weekend was just another chapter in the Bryce & I novel.

For an event I have coveted so much, I was busy when Bryce bowled.

I saw Bryce bowl two overs.

It was poetic that I missed the real thrashings.

You could almost say Ricky had a prophetic moment and decided that it was best if I didn’t see Bryce get massacred.

I am not even sure if that is better or worse.

I should have known that today would be extreme one day or the other.

Nothing with Bryce ever goes smoothly.

This was not smooth; this was cheese grater on the eyelid as the other eye watched your wife be boiled alive with kittens.

Bryce might have had a shocker, he might never play again, he might be only remembered for this.

But how many people get remembered for playing one test.

When the book is written on Bryce McGain this will be the horror chapter.

The carnage and the blood.

Every book needs one.

I imagine the book will be less dull than the average cricket biography, but a little heart breaking.

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cricket with balls’ limited edition

Cricket With Balls is proud to present a special piece of merchandise that marks the occasion of Bryce McGain’s debut.

Thirty six years after being spawned Bryce McGain made his long-awaited Test debut under Table Mountain against the South Africans. The world witnessed an amazing spectacle that no test bowler will ever be able to emulate on debut.

Bryce has set the cricket world alight, like an effigy. No one could foresee the affect he would have on world cricket. Few players have waited longer than Bryce, and no one has made a more exciting debut.

To commemorate his performance at Cape Town we have put together a limited offer:

The Bryce McGain Memorial G String.

 

Tony Greig Road tested

The G string is unsoiled (wicket less), and is perfect for the person looking for the ultimate first date fucking, I’m talking about the pounding of all poundings, something you can  never recover from.

Limited to 149, but best you get in quick, they will go fast.

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Australia Get Pwned

Well, what else are you going to call ending up almost 450 runs behind on first innings after electing to bat first, whilst seeing your latest great bowling hope treated like a club cricket pie-chucker?

Those who thought that the days of Australia blowing the final test of a series were gone are going to be sorely disappointed.

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