Tagged with brendon mccullum …

Apr 07 2009
general balls

Myths & Facts from India’s jaunt to New Zealand

Sportsfreak takes a look through the series.

So the Indians will be boarding their jumbo about now, and for the final piece of excitement will be undergoing a take-off into a Wellington gale. Their fans will be cleaning their whiteboards in preparation for more normal use, and the rest of us look back on our brief time in the same playground as the big boys.

Obviously, there was going to be a lot of hype surrounding this tour; after all the test batting line-up boasted something like 107 test centuries before the series started, and constantly added to that over the last 3 weeks.

And we got to see first hand the likes of Tendulkar and Dravid for the last time, and Dhoni and Ishant for the first time, and were able to notice the difference in attitude and swagger between the two.

So we look at some of the theories that were floated before and during the series and see if they are fact or some hybrid of Indian Myth and Lord of the Rings special effects.

Tests in NZ in April do not work
Myth actually.

People will point to the fact that the April test ended with rain, but that only kicked in with 3 hours left in the match; that’s not bad for New Zealand. April, comparatively, is reasonably reliable.

And the tests were certainly less affected than the ODIs in February/ March.

Light was clearly an issue after the daylight saving change, but that was more of a management issue.

Dhoni is an attacking captain
Well some of his bowling changes are inspirational, and no more so than bringing Tendulkar on during the last day at the Basin.

But that declaration in the same test can always be held up as the perfect example that he can be as cautious as a shell-shocked Ponting.

He lets Harbhajan talk him into defensive field placings too.

Ryder is too fat for test cricket
Ha ha. Myth. A big fat myth too Adam.

He does have a weakness against top quality spin early on, but he’ll sort that out soon.

Yuvraj is rubbish outside of the Sub-continent
Absolute fact.

He was miserable here, apart from a couple of meagre cameos with the pressure off.

And remember this was on placid pitches against an ordinary attack.

Ishant Sharma is the Real Deal and the Final Product
Not yet he’s not. Despite what last year promised.

He had one good spell in Hamilton, and then roughed up Vettori at the Basin.

But in between times he looked more sulky than anything else. He perfected the act of hiding in the outfield in Napier when things got tricky, and he certainly didn’t seem to take to the Wellington wind.

Totally outplayed by the underrated Zaheer all series.

McCullum isn’t the batsman he was a year ago
Myth.

That was probably his most consistent series as a test batsman. A shocking dismissal in the first innings in Hamilton was followed by composed knocks afterwards. His maturity in batting with O’Brien in the second innings of that match was class, and he held his head well in Napier.

At the Basin he got stuck with O’Brien again, and was sawn off in the second innings. Will probably be tried at #6 in the near future, which is about the only spot in the order where he has not been used yet.

Superb keeping too.

Taylor needs time to adjust from ODIs to tests.
Fact. Fact. Fact. Contrast the push across the line on the first morning in Hamilton with the 2nd innings resistance at the Basin.

Imagine what he could do in a 5 test series.

Harbhajan is a wind-up artist
True. And a very good one at that.

He didn’t get under the skin of the New Zealanders like he did with the Australians last year, but he sure wound the commentators up.

Note how he does well in the questionable umpiring decision stakes too. Not a coincidence.

Sehwag plays all forms of the game in exactly the same way
Myth. He bats for longer in T20s and ODIs.

Vettori is not the test bowler he used to be
Fact. And a pretty old fact at that.

If you want proof, get a video of him bowling on the 4th morning in the Basin, and then watch Tendulkar bowl 24 hours later.

It’s toe-curling stuff, and it’s even worse to hear certain radio commentators air the myth that he is a world-class spinner.

The World will miss Tendulkar
Fact.

Sad but true.

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Jan 28 2009
general balls

Ryder the all roundest all rounder

He bats.

He bowls.

He keeps.

He drinks.

He cults (um).

And he is round.

Every other all rounder is a useless in comparison.

Apparently for the current trev barry series Jesse was to be the back up keeper as well.

Bizarre.

When he found out about this fact, and then heard the Prince Brendan of Cow Dirt was injured, Jesse did what any larger lazy man would do.

He feigned injury.

Sure he can literally do everything.

But, who can be bothered.

With Jacob out, and Shane Bond held captive by Pat Symcox’s dinner jacket, Jesse thought he needed a break.

What he did not need was wicket keeping.

I have always said wicket keepers get the girls, but when you are sex on a stick like jessie, you don’t need to be a keeper.

Instead of Pirnce brendan keeping the Kiwi’s are going to use a local player, probably not Luke Ronchi though.

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Jul 02 2008
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The Prince is ready

Prince Brendan McCullum finally broke through.

He finally made an international one day hundred.

He slapped the mighty Irish team all around some ground.

This was no pushover Ireland team.

They had all their top bowlers in.

Connell, Eaglestone, Styrdom, Botha, McCallan.

And even Kidd.

That’s right, Kidd played, so you know Ireland were taking this seriously.

Prince Brendan has been a very underrated batsman for a while now.

No one has really rated him, or sung his praises.

But now he is an international hundred maker and he will finally get the credit and adulation that comes with that.

Some people have said that Prince Brendan only makes hundreds against weak opposition, I think we can finally put that to bed.

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Jun 25 2008
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The problem with Prince Brendan

I love McCullum.

Not in a metrosexual “I wanna have his tattoos” kinda way.

Or in an “I wonder what his semen tastes like” kinda way.

But as a batsman, an entertainer and an artist, I love him.

I think I said

“Watching him is like watching two people have sex in a car crash, there are so many ways it can go wrong, but somehow everyone walks away fine, and you can’t believe what you’ve seen.”

But the problem with my McCullum love, is that when he goes out, I seem to lose all interest in New Zealand.

As a cricket team, a country, an Island and as a people.

They just fade away.

It’s like when there is a group of friends in a bar. At the time you are nice to all of them, but you only have your eye on one. Once that one gets sick of your piss and vinegar seduction style and tells you to trot off, you don’t move onto the next friend, you find a new group of friends to hit on, or go home and look up porn.

Or if you get lucky, you take that one home and forget about the friends, but secretly wish one of the friends would have come back so you could see what kind of partnership they would put on.

When McCullum is up and about, you could watch him bat with anyone, even Aaron Redmund, but once he is gone even Ross Taylor doesn’t get you excited.

And it’s a hard act to make Ross Taylor platonic.

When I still wrote off McCullum as an accumulator of 30 odds, Taylor was my favourite kiwi.

Now he fades into beige at the mere mention of McCullum.

I was also a big fan of the perfect boyfriend Jacob Oram.

I liked his lusty big hits, and even ignored his delicate bowling.

Now though, all I see in him is a dude who can’t play short pitch bowling and who falls apart like a piece of origami that’s been pissed on.

So with all that in mind, I am going to watch Battle Royale, as only Battle Royale can give me the sort of violent art that Prince Brendan robbed me of by nicking a wide.

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Jun 06 2008
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Kiwi’s take spare keeper

I’ve always said one is not enough.

New Zealand is revolutionising wicket keeping by picking two for this test.

Wicket keeping was only just revolutionised by Gilly, but Braces wants to up the ante.

After Gilly, most teams decided on not picking a keeper at all.

They just slap the gloves on a short dude who can bat.

In England they also should be bald or have short hair, and preferably pasty.

By making this decision John Bracewell is saying, even though we brought 2 metre peter over here, we don’t really think he can play.

I, like a lot of people, thought that Fulton could bat a bit, surely more than James Marshall, and probably less likely to lose a tooth than Daniel Flynn.

Braces disagrees with me.

Kiwis popped the Prince in at 4.

I’d bat him 4, and Taylor at 3.

In other selection news braces was vindicated in not dropping Iain O’Brien, who already has 4 wickets with his exceptionally slow and frugal medium pacers.

So happy with his selection O’Brien has vowed not to drop any test matches in the foreseeable future.

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May 16 2008
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the world’s 5 most important cricketers

Prince Brendan McCullum is 26 years old.

That gives him another ten years in the big league.

Who knows how many 80’s and 90’s he can score in that time.

But, what if he learns to make hundreds.

I don’t mean in state games, or wearing golden helmets, I mean real test hundreds, against teams that win test matches.

Test match batting is becoming a western shoot out.

Plodders are being found out by McGrath replicants.

The two species that are flourishing are Probots, and Smackers.

McCullum is about as far from a probot as you can get.

He rides his luck over by over.

A simple cover drive is air borne for no real reason.

A flick to the leg side becomes a hoick.

Slips seem to be irrelevant for him, because when he edges the ball, third man is much more likely to see it.

Bracewell has shown a lot of faith in a man who averages 30 in tests, but you can see why.

Every time he steps on the field his performances seem to get better.

It was only a few months ago I was thinking that he was going to be a player who gets a 30 or 40, before losing the plot and going out.

At that stage I even rated Luke Ronchi above him.

“I’m not saying McCullum is a dud, in fact he fits the mould of New Zealand wicket keepers perfectly. More than decent annoying batsman, who sledges well and generally p1sses off opposition teams.’

Right now that looks like a massive understatement, but at the time it was justified, he hadn’t made a test hundred against anyone, he averaged less than 30 in both forms of the game, and on paper Vettori was as good a test batsman as him.

All that is gone now, he has finally started stringing real innings together, and is a number 5 test batsmen who can make 97 on a spicy deck at lords, while his team mates look like lemmings.

But why have I selected him in my most important cricketers list.

Because in him, New Zealand have a weapon that can win matches.

He has the ability to shape New Zealand’s next ten years like no one since Hadlee has.

New Zealand are well known for their medium paced grinders, and there top order plodders.

But in McCullum they have a man who can win a test match in a session, and that is the only way the Kiwis will ever beat other sides.

Batsman don’t generally win matches, but Gilly proved that it can be done regularly if you hit the ball hard enough.

If teams like New Zealand and West Indies drop off now, world cricket is in real trouble.

McCullum has the potential to keep them close enough to the best teams, they still may not win a lot of series, but teams will have to find a way around him in order to win.

Watching him is like watching two people have sex in a car crash, there are so many ways it can go wrong, but somehow everyone walks away fine, and you can’t believe what you’ve seen.

New Zealanders generally only go to cricket matches when their players are dressed in black, but the Prince makes test cricket exciting, and he could even woo some rugby supporters to a test match.

New Zealand need two things in their cricket, match winners, and draw cards, Prince Brendan is both, and he is only just getting started.

He even managed to make a Gold Helmet look cool.

Monsieur , what kind of a man is Brendan McCullum?
Oh, he’s just like any other man, only more so.

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Feb 13 2008
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pretty boys

The team at Sportsfreak have had it with narcissistic cricketers.

Here is there story.

Boom Boom.

In the 1980s, the UK based fanzine (remember them?) ran a regular series called “Medallion Men”. This was devoted to players, not always of world-class, whose main claim to fame was in drawing attention to themselves by wearing ridiculous large medallions; often more than one. The general feeling was that these people backed themselves a bit. Phil DeFreitas was their ultimate Medallion Man.

Well fashion moves on. Yesterday’s medallions have been upstaged by today’s multi-coloured highlights, Alice bands, and body piercing. Today’s international cricketers vie with professional footballers in having a level of vanity matched only by a lack of taste. We list the leaders in this revolution.

10. Ryan Sidebottom

Unique in this list in that his mirror-staring is based on an image that is at least 20 years out of date. While retro may be in at the moment, was Michael Bolton ever worth imitating? However, the self-important flicking of the head to get rid of the permed locks from his face does add good comedy value.

9. Brendon McCullum

The man of the future. Not only does he sport a nice range of hair tint, but he also has a stamp album’s worth of tattoos adorning his body.

This is something typically reserved for rugby players; either code, but normally Polynesian; Baz has clearly decided that it is high time for cricket to catch up. Watch this space in 2010.

8. Brett Lee

Admittedly, he could be worse, and on the field is less image conscious than he was a few years ago. But anyone who has ever seen the Bolywood pop song will understand why he is on this list.

7. Jacob Oram

Is this some weird backlash to growing up in Palmerston North; a mini-city that is still waiting for the Beatles to arrive? But it is almost impossible why a The Perfect Boyfriend should first grow some queer mod mop, and then go through most shades of gold in his hair. Perhaps it’s just a throwback to his footballing past.

6. Lasith Malinga

If this guy had spent as much time watching his action in the mirror rather than his hair his action would be very different.

A perm and a dye all on the same head is quite special; but fast bowlers should not need to look like that to be scary.

5. Andrew Symonds

Another Englishman makes the list, and no explanation is required.

4. Kevin Pietersen

Where do you start? Lets start with the Beckham-like 3 Lions tattoo on the shoulder. Only a South African would be stupid enough to overlook the ugly hooligan images that one conjures up.

Then there is the skunk phase; followed by the current patchy skinhead look. None of them work, and neither does the ear-ring in every orifice routine. How does this guy get through airports?

3. Chris Gayle
Of all the players on this list, the attention to detail in working on his image while out there playing can get in the way of his performance. It’s bowling while making sure your head stays still so those sunglasses don’t fall off. And standing for 5 minutes on end with your hands in pockets may be dead cool, but it makes slip catching a bit difficult.

Way too much bling too, and a lot of it looks uncomfortable.

2. Stuart Broad

This one has come from nowhere. Son of a true Medallion Man, perhaps it should come as no huge surprise. But the main impact so far in career has been more from his striking hairstyle than performances on the field.

Although he bowls at a pace that may make him a test player one day, it is no surprise he has shone in the ODI format. This is probably due to the fact that it involves playing under lights. The kaleidoscope of colours his hair goes through as the lights take effect is pretty unpleasant. And the darkness around the eyes is just plain wrong.

1. Nathan Brackan

This guy looks so bad that even Chelsea would not employ him. During the length of this column Sportsfreak has been very careful not to stray into homophobia territory, but it is impossible to describe Bracken without going there.

He looks like the transvestite off Silence of the Lambs, and the deteriorating nature of his campness is the over-riding impression. Note how Harbidjan has never dared pat him on the botty.

Note There are a lot of fast bowlers in this list.

Ganguly, Michael Clarke, Shane Watson, Herschelle Gibbs, and Shoaib Akhtar were considered for this list but rejected due to the fact that their major reasons for ridicule lie elsewhere.

Scott Styris was similarly rejected.

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Feb 05 2008
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2020 kiwi style

The boys at Sportsfreak are excited about the English tour, but not so much by the 2020 game that starts it.

A rarity in New Zealand sport starts tonight; an international cricket tour lasting for 2 months. This is the real thing; not just the usual annual 3 week trip from Sri Lanka which normally only starts to get going by the time the final match comes along.

And in keeping with the New Age of World Cricket we start it all with a 20/20 match played between an England team of players with funny names, and a New Zealand X which also includes Scott Styris who is playing solely for the size of his impending ICL contract.

Whatever people may think of this form of the game, tonight’s crowd is likely to be the largest of the entire tour.

There is some interesting scheduling around this game. Clearly, NZ Cricket found it difficult to work out which out of Auckland and Christchurch should have the bonus of hosting a cash-cow 20/20 international on a public holiday which falls tomorrow. So they came up with the brilliant solution of giving it to neither of them. This imagination when coming up with a cop-out in the face of a tricky dilemma is becoming a forte of the current management.

Most of the points of interest in tonight’s game are a side-show to the real event. Like most health warnings, if you accept that before it starts, things are much easier to handle.

The most exciting yet unproven batsmen on either team, Luke Wright and Jessie Ryder, will not be around in March.

If Brendan McCullum captains like he bats we are in for some surprises. But this tenure is unlikely to last a week.

The selectors clearly see something in 19 year-old Tim Southee. A couple of 20/20 hit-outs is unlikely to be long enough for the rest of us to see what that might possibly be.

Dimitri Mascarenhas and Paul Hitchcock are probably going to be the most economical bowlers in display with 24 different tricks stored up for their spells. Neither are remotely close to a test side.

New Zealanders get to see Phil Mustard for the first time, albeit briefly. Some people rate him highly, but he is not wanted by the test selectors simply because he is not Australian.

There will be some minor early indications of how the next few weeks will pan out. England’s best batsman to date has been Alistair mini-Fleming Cook. He has criminally been ignored by the England ODI selectors to date, but is rumoured to be starting here. At least that keeps the odious Strauss out of the side.

So who will win? Go grab a coin, throw it in the air Mexican Wave style and you’ve got the answer.

Traditional wisdom says that the side with the most left-handed batsmen will win at Eden Park. Even using this scientific gauge it’s 2-2.

So we predict a bowl-off; with the home side coming through on the back of deafening support from the baying crowd.

A footnote: Cricinfo has Chris Martin down as batting at #9 in this match. When did they develop a sense of humour?

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Dec 23 2007
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What would Walter think?

…
Now another Trev Barry trophy has been decided, lets talk about how important this series is.

In the world of cricket, it’s as important as the fireman’s games. People win, and
people lose, but in a few years only people involved will remember exact details.

The series exists because some cricket administrator thought they could artificially create a yearly rivalry.

Problem is Australians need someone to hate in order to start a great rivalry.

Fact one, first great rivalry with the kiwis was when Sir Hadlee pranced around telling everyone he was better than Dean Jones.

Fact two, second rivalry was when Chris Cairns kept smacking Australia to all parts of the ground, whilst pretending he played for a good team.

Those are two men it’s easy to hate since they were sh1t hot cricketers that made their sides a lot better, which p1sses aussies off alot.

I’m pretty sure if you were in a bar with Chris Cairns you could hate him by the second shout.

And with Richard it would be as he walked in, perhaps before that, maybe as he got of out his car.

I don’t see anyone I can easily hate in the current side.

McCullum could annoy you, but he is no Parore.

Vettori is likeable, and it’s hard to hit a man with glasses.

Jacob Oram fits the bill skill wise, but his lack of arrogance lets him down.

Shane Bond could be a hateable guy, but seeing him play once every solar eclipse, makes it hard to maintain the rage against him.

Taylor is too young, Fulton is too bald, and the rest are nameless faceless creatures who appear in uniform like extras in an action film, they all get their gun shot wound and then are forgotten about forever.

The rest are playing for fat cash in the Ian Harvey memorial 2020 competition.

Vettori mentioned before the series he wanted the chadlee to be like the Bledisloe cup.

Now as I’m a Victorian I’m assuming that he is talking about one of those sports where thick necked fellows throw a ball backwards.

If I may assume again, I would think that the Bledisloe cup has tests in it. You know the really importantmatches. And the Trev Barry trophy has one dayers.

Hmmmmm, it’s like comparing apples and breasts.

Great sporting rivalries can’t be manufactured by administrators, they need to be fuelled by arrogance, cheating, choking, cockiness, sh1t hot performances and twats.

Not a side that might get relegated if it loses to Bangladesh in its next series.

A great kiwi writer once said, the trev barry trophy is important, as it gives New Zealand the chance to play at world famous cricket grounds, like Bellerive.

But isn’t that a home game for New Zealanders anyway?

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Nov 22 2007
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Luke Ronchi – the new phar lap?

Should New Zealand just accept the fact they are a state of Australia, for the good of their cricket.

I’d say no, the position of Tasmania has already been taken.

Even so there are obviously players who have been born in one country and then played for the other.

Daniel Vettori is the second best spinner in New Zealand’s history.

Clarrie Grimmett is the best.

In fact behind Richard Hadlee he is the best New Zealand bowler ever.

216 wickets at 24 in 37 tests.

Ofcourse it was for Australia.

Stephen Fleming is as good a strategic captain as I’ve seen. His win/loss ratio as captain is horrible. In his time he was won two major events, a county championship and the ICC (we want benjamins) knock out cup.

If he had played for Australia, ok he may have never actually made the Australian team, but he would have been a hell of a state captain.

Martin Crowe was Mark Waugh before Mark Waugh was Mark Waugh, and he could have ambled casually into any test team in the world. Unfortunately he spent most of his career propping out lame batting line ups and giving odd press conferences.

If he had been born in Camperdown, Victoria, Australia, he would have batted at 4 for Australia, won a world cup, a couple of ashes, and perhaps kept Dean Jones from being so full of himself.

Even Richard Hadlee could have teamed up with Dennis, moustache power baby.

I mention this because Adam Gilchrist is on his way out for Australia. So the search for the new wicket keeper has already started.

If you don’t count Brad Haddin (which I don’t) the logical replacement is a boy named Luke Ronchi.

He was born somewhere in New Zealand, probably in the north or south island.

But he has already stated that he will never play for New Zealand.

So he is clearly arrogant enough to be an Australian.

I’m not saying McCullum is a dud, in fact he fits the mould of New Zealand wicket keepers perfectly. More than decent annoying batsman, who sledges well and generally p1sses off opposition teams.

Ronchi though is a different animal. He has the quickest 100 in Australian domestic cricket. He gets picked in the West Australian team as a batsmen when Gilchrist goes home.

He hits the ball like a motherf*cker. He is only 26 and has spent his apprenticeship behind Adam Gilchrist and Ryan Campbell. For an attacking keeper batsman you can’t get better grooming than those two.

The boy looks like a player.

But like Sir Joh, Phar Lap, Tony Martin, that dude from crowded house and Russell Crowe before him, Australia is where he shall blossom.

Or he could be a dud, and New Zealand will be wrapped they didn’t get him.

The world is a giant craps game, and we are merely the excrement.

You can also see this at Sportsfreak.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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