Tag Archives: brad hodge

Paris Hodge

Zulquarnain Haider showed us that with a bit of Social Media work, you can get picked for your country.

Lady Hamilton-Brown has tried just appearing as unnamed friend in photos beside real English cricketers.

And Eddie Cowan has tried to use twitter to get selected.

All of these ideas have some merit.

Now Brad Hodge is back on the scene, and they all look kind of tame.

Being that Brad Hodge came up with it, probably in the middle of one of his great recent innings for Victoria, his idea is so much better than anyone else’s.

Even Zulquarnain Haider’s strategy, which worked, is not in the same league.

Whether batting or coming up with off the wall suggestions, the Ego of Hodge is so far better than anyone else it is embarrassing.

With the press all over him and Victorian fans doing their bi-annual why isn’t Brad Hodge playing for Australia love fest, he has been forced to talk about playing for Australia again.

His favourite, and often only, topic.

This time he has come up with a foolproof way to get selected.

“Maybe I could do a naked calendar as well to try to get my name up there.”

Bang. Goal.

Yes, maybe you could.

The thought of your cock aiming directly at the lens should be enough for the selectors to at least think of playing you just to stop the calendar.

But, why stop there, Brad?

Why not take it all the way.

Like you do out on the field.

A calendar will take time to organise, probably some cash, then a distributor and finding a camera person willing to get their assistants to lube you up and then aim their camera at the Hodge glory.

On the other hand, your mobile device probably has a camera, MMS and the numbers of all the selectors.

All you need to do is drink a couple of glasses of red win while snappin’ and sendin’.

How long into this photo campaign do you think the selectors will find a way to use Brad Hodge, just to make the smut go away?

Two days, a day? An hour?

Then Hodge is back.

Full frontal nudity and technology has always been an unbeatable team.

Brad Hodge is forever ahead of the curve.

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Hodgicide: the final cut

They gave him a chance, and he kicked its ass, but then they took it away, laughed at him and made him appear in a wine ad with Stuey MacGill.

His name is Brad Hodge; he’ll cut you to hell.

From the makers of Machete, Lagaan and To hell with Nel comes this modern day cricksploitation film starring Brad Hodge, Pat Symcox, Bill Lawry, Bumble Lloyd and an assortment of cricket’s sexiest women (Ellyse Perry, Allison Mitchell, Mandira Bedi and Aisha Linnea Akthar).

We see Hodge not long after he has been dropped from the Australian team; he is drinking whiskey and looking angry.  A suit sits next to him orders a bear and tells him that he will never play another test again.  Hodge slowly nods and slaps the guy on the back a few times, each one getting a little harder until he slams the guys throat into his beer bottle, ripping his throat in half.

With the guy slumped over the bar, blood squirting out of his throat and the barman trying to help him, Hodge just ambles out of the bar like he is on his way to the wicket.

The title comes up, “Hodgicide: the final cut”.

We then follow Hodge as he kills the all the Australian selectors.  Merv is strangled with his moustache, Boon is beaten to death with beer cans, we don’t see Jamie Cox die and Hodge uses the jaw of Hildictch’s dog as a weapon to kill him.

When he isn’t killing he is sleeping with sexy women, sharpening his weapons, or coaching underage cricketers in the square drive.

The police are after him, Pat Symcox’s role as the brutal Australian police chief is flawless, and so are the underground, with Bumble as a comically accented mob boss who wants Hodge killed for his innings in Perth against the Saffas.

Hodge is like a ghost though, being that he played no international cricket for years, no one can remember what he looks like.  At every murder sight he leaves his test match average and a witty line about what sport he should take up next.  “55.88, maybe I should take up the luge.”

A news reporter describes him as, “small, fiery, tougher than hell and with the scary eyes of an aggrieved man, if you see Hodge in the street, you won’t be able to run quick enough”.

Even with all the selectors dead, Hodge’s revenge has not ended, and after talking to his priest, Bill Lawry, he then takes after all those who went before him in the top order.

Hodge appears before Shane Watson like a ghost, and then decapitates him with a broken mirror.  He chokes the life out of Simon Katich.  Kills Michael Clarke in the shower, stopping to take a photo of it.  Attacks Phil Hughes’ throat.  Cuts Phil Jaques head straight off. And then finds himself face to face with Ricky Ponting where he questions his integrity, hard.

The final scene is the sexiest, thrillingest, bloodiest son of a bitch scene you’ve will ever see from two top order batsmen.

Hodgicide: the final cut will be out in November, follow the trail of blood to your local cinema.

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The IPL has started

There was Lionel Ritchie singing with his microphone turned down. And other western acts.

Some drag queen dancing acts, except with the drag queens.

Bollywood stuff seemed to be happening as well.

Costumes that some people were comparing to klu klux klan on twitter.

Then Ravi yelled.

Andy Bichel did some commentary, he sounded like Danny Morrison on ketamine.

Lalit was missing most of the time, but in his place was a lady in a red dress, an obvious homage to the Matrix.

Brad Hodge looked pissed off.

Many snatch shots of the cheerleaders, none on super slow mo, maybe next year.

Angelo Mathews continues to not exist.

The Chargers song was remixed, still shit though.

Owais Shah had cut down his sleeves to show off the guns.

There were time outs, but they weren’t strategically named, but they were strategically used.

The IPL has ads between the balls, they are louder and less awkward than the Channel 9 versions.

ITV brought out Hoggard, Hick and some dude and some Indian chick for their coverage. Hoggy was ok, the rest were ordinary and only the Indian chick had done any research.

Gilly seemed to keep hitting the ball in the air and not getting caught.

I never thought I’d say this, but I wanted fake smiles from SRK.

Rohit Sharma continues to vie for Indian batsmen most likely to be assassinated.

The game fizzled out.

The Windies beat Zimbabwe.

Nap.

The IPL has started, not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with a carefully stage managed event that had shit western acts, lots of dancing, two teams making decent totals and Andy Bichel.

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the continuining confusing case of Phil Hughes

He made two hundreds in his second test.

In his fifth test he was worked out with the short ball that didn’t get him out.

He was dropped because he was being bullied.

Then he was ignored when Australia came home.

He made very little runs early in the season.

At the moment two former test openers have made more than him, and so did 11 other shield cricketers (including smooth eddie).

His only first class century for the year came against an attack being lead by Andrew McDonald and according to cricinfo he gave three chances.

Now he is back.

Why?

If he had gone back to shield cricket and lit it up, I’d understand, but he has just been ok.

I’m not sure making runs against a Victorian attack with its top 5 quick bowlers injured really counts.

And no one has pimped Phil Hughes like I have.

I’m pretty much his biggest fan, other than, no, it is me.

Remember the days when Ponting was injured or rested and Brad Hodge came in.

That was a simpler time.

There is more than a passing reference to P Hughes in this book.

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Brad Hodge retires, long live the ego

I am sad that Brad Hodge has decided to retire from first class cricket, thus ending any potential engagements as Ricky’s understudy.

Sure I like to take the piss when it comes to Bradley, but he doesn’t make it hard, does he?

Brad never met a microphone/reporter/human/robot he didn’t like to tell that he should be playing for Australia.

He even tried for stand up comedy duties of recent times, with his lawn bowls bit.

The man leaves test cricket with a double hundred against South Africa and an average of 55.  He also added 17000 odd runs in first class cricket.

Brad was one of those that was seen to have a weakness, but not allowed to prove that he didn’t, instead he and his test average of 55 were stamped “shit outside off”.  Perhaps he could get work counselling young Phil.

I was there at the start with Brad, I remember his breakthrough year that had crusty old Victorians giddy with excitement at this teenage batting prodigy, but I was also there when he got dropped, was all but forgotten, and those many seasons when he only average in the 20s.

Victoria’s fortunes were often in his hands. In the late 90s, when he was shit, so was Victoria, but the bigger his ego and output became, the better Victoria was.

In the year 2000 he was re-born and his ego was finally fulfilled as he became the Brad Hodge we know now.

He had that shocking Victorian trait of starting an innings so nervously you can’t believe he will ever come good, but when he does, and those effortless cover drives and flicks off the pads come in you can’t see how anyone could get him out.

The Herald Sun ran a picture of him yesterday that makes him look like some fresh faced politician looking for pre-selection in a State Labour seat.  Even down to the touch of grey coming through.  When a cricketer stops dying his hair, you know the end is coming soon.

I may like taking the piss when it comes to Brad, but to give a bloke six tests who bats like him makes me think the selectors do even more.

Well played Brad, I can’t wait for the quotes now that you are free of corporate restraint.

We will miss the Ego.

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an email from brad

I received an email today.

In no way can I verify its authenticity.

However, my journalistic integrity means I must repeat this email in full:

Dear arse muncher,

I’m fucken quitting.  I’ve had enough. Fuck Hilditch, Hohns and all of them. They can all burn in hell. I was told explicitly that I was to fill any vacancy by any Tasmanian cocksucker that was injured, but now Hilfy breaks down and they pick Clint McKay.  Now I like Clint, I taught him everything he knows, but why have the imitator when you can have the original.  The selectors know I can open the bowling, I am Brad fucken Hodge, I can do everything.  Cocksuckers. I’ll still make my money in the IPL and show the world my true talents.  As for you, you abusive cunt, fuck you.  You talk up every fucken Victorian out there and just take the piss out of me every fucken chance you get.  You bastard. Always picking and talking shit, I fucken hate you.

Brad

Poetic.

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the minor thigh complaint

Brad Hodge’s life is in turmoil.

He had already packed his sunscreen and floppy hat, and now he finds out that Shane Watson only has a minor thigh complaint.

It is a low grade strain.

But what is low grade with Shane Watson.

When he cuts himself shaving, his head almost falls off.

Once Watson gets injured, it is not an easy fix.

It takes forever.

They will need specialists to rebuild.

Plastic surgeons will be called.

Astro-physicists need to be consulted.

And a tarot reader will need to find the perfect date for him to come back.

While all this re-building is going on, poor Andrew Hilditch will be getting about 247 calls a day from the bloke that comes up on his phone as ‘that annoying victorian prick’.

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The IPL form report of the current Australian players

These were  the significant players. Tomorrow will be the insignificant players.

Brad Hodge – Kolkata
365 @ av 40 sr 117 hs 73
7 wickets @ 23 econ 8.05 bb 3/29

Started off terribly, but as the team fell apart he became their banker. Eventually showed why he had made so many runs in this format of the game, happy to be 30 off 30, and then explode at the end. Was used as a front line bowler at times, which he isn’t, but he did bowl some very good overs.

Brett Lee – Punjab
28 runs @ av 14 sr 82 hs 14*
5 wickets @ 22 econ 5.55 bb 3/15

Only played a handful of games, but looked more like the late 07/08 bowler, and less like the heart break kid of recent times. Always does his best work with the white ball, so not a huge surprise he was too good for most batsmen at this level. His batting looked rusty but he will just be happy to be out in the middle and thinking about cricket.

Andrew Symonds – Deccan
249 runs @ av 35 sr 150 hs 60*
7 wickets @ 22.85 econ 6.66 bb 2/18

Won the final with 2 wickets in one over, and his medium pace bowling was swinging a lot, and was hard for most people to hit. His batting always looked murderous, but couldn’t quite cash in as he would like. Would be happy with his form though.

Ryan Harris – Deccan
21 runs @ av 21 sr 116 hs 9*
6 wickets @ 38 econ 7.41 bb 3/27

Couldn’t buy a wicket, but no one found him easy to hit. His bounce made him an ideal bowler. Was bagged in the South African press for not being up to it and then played as one of the imports in the final winning side.

David Warner – Delhi
163 runs @ av 28 sr 123 hs 50
Outshone Sehwag and Gambhir at the top of the order, but never really broke free. His fielding was probably his highlight, some of his efforts were amazing.

Dirk Nannes – Delhi
15 wickets @ 24 econ 7.51 bb 3/27

Started off with an average performance or two and the commentators and press questioned why he was in the side. 5 games in and he was being pronounced as rare diamond. Probably didn’t take as many wickets as he would have wanted, but was unplayable when he got it right.  Definitely the best performed of this bunch, and even with Gilly’s punishment in the semi, has come away with a lew legion of fans.

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SRK needs to stroke Brad

I think I know Bradley Hodge as well as anyone who doesn’t know him, I am sure he would disagree with me, but he doesn’t have his own blog (or does he?), so fuck him.

And Brad is struggling at the moment.

Well not at the moment, for his whole IPL career he has been ordinary, and there is a reason.

Brad likes one of two things, to be the man, or to be pumped up.

For Victoria, and whichever county side he signs for, he is automatically the best batsman, and if he isn’t, he walks around like he is until everyone assumes he must be.

Try doing that in a change room with Prince Brendon, Gayle and the Giant Alien Lizard Ganguly.

On occasions when he walks into a dressing room with bigger names he needs something else to hold onto.

Ricky, bless his heart, understood Hodge.

They are roughly the same age, were both child prodigies, both footy players and are both pretty sure of their own abilities.

Had Hodge not had 6 odd years where he couldn’t buy a run, they would have been life long teammates.

When Brad comes into the Australian side, Ricky can’t stop making noises about how great he is, how he would be an automatic starter for most other sides, and then he bats him in important positions.

What generally happens is Hodge makes runs for Australia, his not inconsiderable ego is fondled nicely, and he does his job of back up top order international batsman rather well. 

The knight riders- off chasing phantom bloggers, designing blingy uniforms and losing games – haven’t spent any time pumping up Brad.

And his shithouse performances reflect this, but its not too late.

When he is struggling for Victoria, however rarely that has been in the last few years, I always imagined that Scholes, Hookes or Ship sent Brad out into the crowd (is 12 people a crowd?) and his mammoth ego is re inflated and runs are forth coming.

Buchanan can declare a day, preferably a match day, the ‘Brad Hodge is the greatest batsmen ever’ day, and get SRK (who is more mascot than owner) to spend that whole day talking Brad up, feeling Brad up, and taking that Ego to ejaculation point.

I promise the Knight Riders that this will work.

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This is not the Fake IPL Player

For the latest developments in the Fake IPL Player Saga click here.

That is my disclaimer.

‘Cause if i wrote, ‘the IPL Fake player revealed’ that would get me in trouble.

So this is definitely not the fake IPL cricketer.

His name is Sanjib Sanyal and Ankit, of Paddlesweep.in, believes that if the Fake IPL Player has never lied, doubtful, this could be the man.

Look into his eyes, does he look fake


As the faker said in his last blog”Has it occurred to anyone that I might have described myself incorrectly to hide my identity?”

So it isn’t this guy. But keep your guesses coming in.

It also isn’t Brad Hodge, as there has not been one post where he has said, that Brad Hodge is a champion.

I sort of hope we never know who he is, so he can keep writing, and not be burnt alive by Gilly and SRK fans.

Whoever the fake IPl player is, I owe him a beer, he has doubled my hits.

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