cricket with balls

Dhananjay sticks in his entry. The competition is heating up. To see the previous entries go here, to remember what the competition is go here, to buy the book to stop me from talking about it go here.

1. It promotes free spirit talent like Dirty Dirk. Cricket needs factory produced “probots” who spout politically correct jargon and smile at the opposition even when they are getting fucked.

2. It promotes Sehwagology. Cricket needs Probotism.

3. It breaks stereotypes and promotes healthy if somewhat profanity laden debates. Cricket expects Aussie to be narrow minded, Brits to be born losers and Indians to be perpetual whiners.

4. It pontificates about the sex life of cricketers. Cricketers are clean souls who are only devoted to their cricketing skills and are celibate for life.

5. It speaks its mind about cricketers and does not give a shit about what others think.

6. It spouts Ashes facts which no one knew earlier. Even Cricinfo did not know about them.

7. It promotes the urge to “LaughOutLoud”, “ROFL” and other such obscene expressions.

8. It loves Imran Nazir. Imran Nazir is ICL – he is evil.

9. It further lowers the reputation of Lizard, Appam and other sundries.

10. It disses Moses Modi and his ilk. Modi is the cricket God – so what if he is selling its dignity through his DLF maximums, Ms.Bollywood and strategy break.

11. It makes cricket writing by arm chair experts like myself nadequate. I hate you Jrod.

Matt gives us a disgusting taste of his own depravity. Can you out disgust Matt? Send your 200 words or less on how cricket with balls is ruining cricket to cwb@cricketwithballs.com so you can win one of three copies of the year of the balls 2008: a disrespetive.

1: Because, cricket with balls loves cricket deeply, but loves itself more and cricket is not the worse for that

2: Because it has the unusual ability to parodise to excess without rendering its subject matter a joke

3: Because participating actively or voyeuristically in CWB leaves one with a feeling of mildly elated unease at having enjoyed participating in something inherently anathema to good taste

Like      -wearing a Chewbacca mask to an orgy and then saying thanks after being the unwitting recipient of a golden shower
Or         -appeasing oneself into a bowl of custard then choosing to eat it

This is Cameron’s illegal entry in the competition to win one of three signed copies of the year of the balls 2008: a disrespetive by telling us how cricket with balls is ruining cricket. As you will all know I am a stickler for the rules, especially of cricket and  grammar, and this is clearly way more than 200 words. I had to put it up though, cause it is insane.

…because his perverted, vitriolic brand of cricket commentary infused with sexual overtones has long got those overtly ostentatious administercrat twats from the home of cricket riled with immense anger since his arrival on the cricket blog scene. They have long since attempted to remove his blog citing the Law 69bumfuck, that any cricket writing must first be sanctioned by the ICC. JRod replied with a fuck you, and much like the days of the rum trade continued his black market trade with renewed intensity. This only caused more anger and the Administercrats hired Lalit “Money” Modi to take care of the situation and remove JRod. Modi got to work on a master plan to eliminate the devil himself, JRod and his Satanic versus forever. Consequently years from now, with the plan in place, Modi will hire a band of Probots to conspire to end the Balls as we know it. Unsuspecting Dirty Dirk and Nice Bryce will be kidnapped by the Probots, drugged and forced by no will of their own to get In Bed With Jacques Kallis. During this horrific act of sexual slavery they will be implanted with anal probes with bombs attached, set to go off in a months time when they both meet JRod for an interview about why everybody should hate South Africans. Unfortunately for Modi and mob, John Buchanan will be hired to set the bombs after they found out he had once read the Jolly Roger cook book online. John had strengthened his argument for inclusion in the plan when he revealed he had read the Art of War several times. But poor John didn’t live up to his reputation. He would hire ‘multiple captains’ to set the timers but this band of inept idiots would not do the job of one man and subsequently set the bombs to go off in the IPL – now being held in England because India had invaded and taken over the British Isle a year earlier. In game 45 when Dirty Dirk and Nice Bryce are working in tandem taking down the worlds best cricketers the anal probe bombs will go off and blow up every international cricketer who ever lived. Strangely a black hole will emerge and suck the home of cricket into it and hence erase all knowledge that cricket was ever invented. Due to the strange scientific black hole phenomenon peoples memories will be wiped of the beloved game. Cricket Balls will become attached to ropes and become enormous anal beads for the sexually experimental and bats will become an instrument linked to increasing violence on the streets. The resultant outcome is not just the ruining of cricket but its complete destruction. All thanks to JRod and his wicked ways!

Q of Well Pitched fame has come up with his 200 words or less on how cricket with balls is ruining cricket. He is now in the running to win a signed copy of the year of the balls 2008: a disrespective. Do you have 200 words or less in you?

1. It swears.

2. It calls the cricketers names that even they would not have heard through sledging on the field.

3. It gives cricketers nick-names that they don’t like.

4. It discloses the personal sex lives of cricketers – or rather takes it a step forward by describing how they are in bed!

5. It denounces Cricinfo, the unofficial bible of cricket on the web.

6. It inspires blogs like the Fake IPL Player – we all know how Fake has ruined the lives of many a cricketer and commentator.

7. It promotes plagiarism – Its overwhelming to see how many other cricket blogs try so hard to be like it.

8. It tells the world wrong facts about the Ashes without thinking that there are kids out there who may believe it.

9. If there is a mutiny against any cricket authority – it will lead it!

10. It promotes drinking games where the risk of dropping dead drunk is high – I mean a gulp for every DLF Maximum? It couldn’t be more injurious to health!

11. If it were made to head CA, Victoria will be the new Australia!

12. Even after reading this, it will not change!

Mr Panic enters the frame with his attempt to win a signed copy of the year of the balls 2008: a disrespective by giving us, in 200 words or less, an explanation of how cricket with balls is ruining cricket. Can you do better? cwb@cricketwithballs.com

Who needs two hundred words to describe the disastrous effect good ole uncle j rod has had on cricket? I can do it in three.

Darren ‘eyelids’ Pattinson (i’m not even english, and i know how bad that is).

In fact, there has been a horrible proliferation of Victorian cricketers playing internationally (i mean, dirty dirk at holland? wtf?).

The rise of uncle j has coincided with the rise of Victorian cricket, and (coincidently? i think not) the fall of australian cricket.

And don’t think he doesn’t know it – the bastard fled the country.

Now he writes from a ship moored off england in international waters (i imagine) where he can impune the good name of the ICC at leisure, surviving on a diet of twenty20 KFC meals a day, and ricky ponting brand (TM) vitamin supplements (just to be healthy).

Sportsfreak makes the first attempt at winning a signed copy of the year of the balls 2008: a disrespective. If you think you can do better in 200 words or less tell us how cricket with balls is ruining cricket.

World cricket faces a lot of troubles at the moment, and wherever you look there is the shadowy hand of Jrod making it worse.

Lack of knowing where the future lies
Jrod covers it all.  IPL, Ashes, even NZ test cricket and other test series that no-one else really cares about, as well as bloody county cricket.  Where’s the leadership there?

The India v Australia spat
Yup, there he is, stirring away; alternating in which side to demonise.

Lack of respect for authorities
The ICC, BCCI, Sutherland, Ponting, Tony Greig and umpires all get the blowtorch.  And if that’s not enough, he also sticks it to the Great Modi himself

Sledging, vilification, cheating
3 ticks there.

No player privacy
We never tire of the Slater shagging Gilly’s wife jokes.  But really, what about the children?

Lack of respect for ICC Rankings
They’re not there for nothing, you know…

Blatant needless commercialism
Even the ICC hasn’t thought of giving away something for free for a year before wrapping it in a snot-coloured cover and trying to sell it off to the faithful.