Tagged with bishen bedi

Is Bishan Bedi an actual magician?

Can he turn water into wine?

Can he take a snow flake and turn it into coke?

Can he construct world peace?

Can he actually polish a turd?

If not, why would Australia have hired him to work with their spinners.

He would want to be some weird hybrid of Elvis, Johnny Cash, Jesus and Muhammad Ali in order to help.

Jason Krejza may be perfectly suited to playing for Australia, what with the drinking and drugging in his past.

But his lack of figures are not so Australian, and are more Bangladeshi.

Cameron White is a batsman who bowls his deliveries as fast as he can so no one will notice he is a batsman.

So what can Bedi do to fix these men?

Mechanical arms.

Voodoo/Hoodoo magic.

Human replicants.

A glitch in the matrix.

Electric Collars that fry the bowler when he bowls bad.

Bishan Bedi was a superstar bowler, and seems to be a freakish bowling coach.

But unless he has been training with Rael himself, and can clone Shane Warne and produce him by Wednesday morning, he wont be able to help much.

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How will India ruin Ishant Sharma?

I think Ishant Sharma is the most exciting young bowling prospect since Waqar Younis, assuming Waqar Younis was ever young.

But he is Indian, and a real fast bowler, so you would have to assume that somewhere along the line he will fade away or lose form.

Let’s look at the potential ways.

His adam’s apple is actually an alien, sent from the planet klaatu, and is intent on killing us all.
Some Bollywood producer (aka India mafia dude) gets him a gig on the Indian remake of irreversible starring Aishwarya Rai, but he takes his scene too far and accidentally slams her head into the subway wall killing her instantly and is lynched by horny teens every where.

He listens to Navjot Sidhu and Bishen Bedi for 20 minutes and his head explodes.

He gets caught in a lift with Sunil Gavaskar whom rages about how all Australian’s are @ssholes for 2 minutes and his adam’s apple inverts and chokes him from within.

He gets given an English passport.

Playgirl magazine offer him a billion dollars to do a naked centrefold. Indian’s are outraged, as his Adam’s apple is air brushed out.

Tania Zaetta meets him in a bar, and they have a torrid lust affair in which Ishant falls madly in love with her and follows her to Sydney and lives out his days as Mr Zaetta.

He shaves for the first time, but being that he is so awkward he accidentally cuts his own throat and kills himself.

Inspired by his love of Jason Gillespie he grows a ponytail and starts breaking down.

Bored with cricket, women and millions of dollars he starts practicing Auto Erotic Asphyxiation. His first time ends in heart break (insert Adam’s apple joke here).

He remembers he is Indian and starts bowling left arm orthodox or straight breaks.

The Indian government give him Bangladesh as payment for being so good, which starts a war with Pakistan, which results on America bombing the whole region, Ishant dies whilst tying to save a whole village of cricket academy students whose rich parents couldn’t make it in time.

Me and Andre take over the world and we abduct him from India and make him play for Jrodre, the new world super power.

Pakistan get bored and fire nuclear missiles at India, thus ending his career, and the lives of countless others. Sunil Gavaskar survives.

He is raped and killed by a pack of super monkey’s who are trained and controlled by Navjot Sidhu.

Everyone in India tells him he is gods gift to fast bowling until he becomes Shoaib Ahktar.

He joins the circus.

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are spinners aliens?

Episode 3 are spinners aliens?

There is a reason people love spinners, fast bowlers and aggressive batsmen. It’s because medium pacers, conservative batsmen and most wicket keepers are really boring.

Fast bowlers have anger management issues and aggressive batsmen often suffer from adhd.

Spinners are clearly from a different planet.

Take a look at my favourite interplanetary spinners of the last few years.

I always assumed Pat Symcox couldn’t be South African, sure he looks like one and sounds like one and while I’ve never smelt him, he probably smells like one. However his bowling and the fact he has a sense of humour are two strong indications that he is not South African. I once saw him try and bowl Michael Bevan around his legs, I thought it was insane, until it worked. From a loud and inhospitable planet.

Shane Warne must be from a different planet, one where baked beans and Hawaiian pizzas are the norm. Do I really have to give you reasons why Warney is not from here? His planet has a large collection of statuesque women.

Little Monty Panesar, he is the spinner England had to have. In the one press conference he can sound like a genius and then the sort of guy who tie his own shoelaces. Looks too gentle to play cricket. He comes from a planet where nerds are in control and Daniel Vettori is king.

Bishen Bedi probably has his own solar system. I can only imagine what they do to fast bowlers there, it wouldn’t be pretty.

Greg Matthews comes from a planet with many moons. On his planet they have the ability to regrow hair. They also have the ability to talk about themselves ad nausea until your hair falls out. Dean Jones is only a part time spinner, but he is still a resident there.

Phillip Tufnel comes from an extremely green planet. There is a pub on every corner, and a fag in everybodies mouth (bedi’s solar system has something similar). Unlike the other planets, cricket is not played that often on Tuffers planet, no one can be bothered.

Paul Adams well, Paul Adams, his um planet is inhabited by freaks, they all have abnormalities. Some say Murali is from there too.

Stuart MacGill comes from a private planet, only the intellectual elite are allowed in. You and I could never come from Stuart’s planet, and if we visited it, we’d be bored sh1tless anyway.

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move over neil, bishen is coming to town

This is for Sime…

For years Neil Harvey was the man.

I’m not talking about as a batsman, although his batting was brilliant. Hence why he made my Best Aussie Eleven.

His batting aside, his true value to my generation is as a “rent a headline” guy.

Like many famous men from the northern suburbs of Melbourne, Eddie McGuire and Myself, he is never short of an opinion and never far away from getting angry at nothing.

He called for Mark Waugh & Shane Warne to be banned from cricket for life over the bookie scandal.

He said Steve & Mark Waugh were a waste of space, and that they were playing for money in 2002.

When Steve Waugh’s side broke the world record of most test victories in a row, he said he could name 3 better Australian teams than them.

And of the modern players compared with the Invincibles he didn’t think Ponting would have made the grade, but he thinks the Invincibles could have slotted Warne in.

Now the Invincibles were a brilliant side, but lets not forget that Sam Loxton, Ian Johnson and Doug Ring all played tests. You’d think Ponting, McGrath or Gilchrist might have slipped in there.

Neil is probably the captain of the “twas better in my day” club.

But now Neil is slowing down, he has hardly attacked Ponting of late (perhaps he’s waiting for some losses) and he is in danger of losing his crown.

In fact the last time I saw Neil speak, he didn’t look angry at all, I was a little disappointed.

Bishen Bedi, spinning god, has decided that his time is now, and he is doing everything in his power to take over from Neil.

We all know his views on the javelin throwing shot putter Murali.

He has now expanded that to include Harbhajan Singh.

Let us not forget his utter disdain for John Buchanan.

The size of cricket grounds for one day games has also come under attack from Bishen.

And my personal favourite was when he said Ian Harvey was as much a spinner as Harbhajan Singh was.

Bishen is still a reasonably young man, and since India are the logical next super power (unless they implode or start a nuclear war with Pakistan) Bishen should be the man to take over the mantle.

He does need to expand his repertoire a little. He gets a little hung up on the spinners, he needs to start bagging fast bowlers, wicket keepers and cricket officials at the same level he bags the spinners.

Being Neil is a tough job, but Bishen gets my stamp of approval.

And if for some reason he thinks he can’t do it, Navjot Sidhu is a more than capable replacement.

If India wants to take over cricket, they must do so in all facets of the game.

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India look for aryan coach

India clearly doesn’t love their cricket as much as they say they do.

Firstly they deny the test cricketing world Yuvraj Singh, so an old millionaire can collect frequent flyer miles.

Now they overlook the two obvious Indian coaching alternatives Bedi and Sidhu, as they look to select another white guy.

And an evil South African at that (even if he is less evil than his countrymen).

Bishen Bedi should not only be coach of the Indians, he should be reinstated instead of Harbhajan when Anil needs some back up. Especially against Sri Lanka.

Navjot Sidhu could not only coach, he could also provide protection for the players and kill any BCCI muppets who try and fire him. Plus he would certainly make the press conferences more interesting.

It is a gutsy choice in this day and age to pick a coach who isn’t Australian, so the BCCI have some testes.

But surely somewhere in India there is one dude, or dudette who knows something about cricket, someone who can put down witches hats, can carry Ganguly’s bags and make excuses for the tours away from home.

If Dav Whatmore has taught us anything it’s that skin colour has no effect on coaching intelligence.

If Greg Chappell has taught us anything it’s that skin colour and skill with the willow has nothing to do with coaching intelligence.

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