Tagged with bill lawry …

Dec 28 2009
pakistanis

Umar Akmal makes straight middle aged men giggle

There are many ways to work out how much talent a young cricketer has.

You could ask some old war horse who sits at every first class game and remembers when Neil Harvey was around.

Another is to see how many media outlets start talking him up even when he doesn’t do anything that special.

My favourite has always been the giggle test.

If a young guy is so exciting, so audacious, so cocky and so talented that the commentators actually giggle a little he must be the best thing to happen to the world of cricket since legspin.

Umar Akmal passes this test.

While he was disembowelling Peter Siddle the channel nine commentary box turned into a gaggle of Japanese school girls (not the ones from Battle Royale).

It turned from a clinical discussion of mobile phones, 3D cricket memorabilia and terribly interesting TV shows into a LOL fest.

There was snorting at times, surprised guffawing at others.

Bill Lawry may have soiled himself at one point.

That must mean that Umar is pretty good.

I think he is good, even if I don’t don’t gasp publicly about it.

Eventually when the excitable giggling subsided the comparisons started. You can’t have a talented young cricketer unless he is compared to someone earlier.

Richie thought he looked like a young James Dean, showing the angst of Cal Trask.

Tony thought that Umar’s attack showed he was a fan of existentialism, living like Meursault did, in the moment whilst having no sense of absurdity. Bill thought that was pretentious, but thought Umar’s infectiousness was like Dorothy’s Toto.

Mark Nicholas thought Umar showed the flair of Slater, the determination of Lawry, the soft hands of Healy, the angry demeanour of Chappell, the boyish charm of Warne, the luck of Grieg and the overall super human qualities of Richie Benaud.

Somehow it was better when they were just giggling and making other weird noises.

my ashes book

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Apr 26 2009
ashes

Ashes fact 73

While at the non strikers end Bill Lawry would come up with Senryū poems about dead Russians.

Rasputin died,

and died and died,

then he died

He later realeased a book of all of them them called,

short jap poems,

dead russains i speak,

from the crease

It wasn’t overly successful.

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Aug 20 2008
Uncategorized

Bill Lawry a legend everywhere

I was at Waterloo train station and I saw this sculpture of Bill Lawry, resplendent with a pigeon as well.

Surely this is a sign for all English people to sign the Bill Lawry Petition.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Mar 09 2008
Uncategorized

Sportsfreak joins the chorus

Sportsfreak agree with me, so I posted this.

Lost amongst the allegations of racial abuse, taunts, and bowlers pontificating towards the dressing rooms, one of the most disappointing aspects of the recent Indian tour of Australia has been the steep and very obvious decline of the Channel Nine commentary team.

Once the pinnacle of cricket broadcasting (and some may say broadcasting in any sport), this outfit has become more embarrassing by the year. And during the 2007/8 series, they finally reached their collective nadir.

It is a sad sight when any public figure loses the plot. However, when an entire commentary team simultaneously submerges itself in a sea of drivel, questions need to be asked.

Tony Greig, the South African/English/Australian consistently recognised as one of cricket’s biggest ever mercenaries, is many years past his best before date (if indeed he ever had one). His place in the commentary box came compliments of a thank you from the late Kerry Packer for all his work during the World Series Cricket years. Now that Kerry has departed this mortal coil, it is time that Greig’s commentary career suffered a similar fate.

His condescending attitude has steadily worsened over the years, which is no mean feat – this is from the man who used to describe Gundappa Viswanath as “Little Vishy”, as if he was a five year old referring to his pet goldfish.

As far as Bill Lawry goes, his commentaries have declined into a state of borderline senility. His bizarre ranting during the 20/20 game at the MCG was the effort of an elderly man, who, in a state of dementia, had reverted back to his preschool years. It was a thorough embarrassment watching a grown man whooping it up like he had just won lotto.

A couple of years ago, Mark Nicholas was a very good front man. He had the ability to temper some of the jingoistic Australian twaddle with a level-headed approach that lent the Channel Nine team some credibility. But, as the crew at Cricket with Art rightly point out, he appears to have fallen victim to Stockholm Syndrome, and any sense of balance has been beaten out of him by his captors.

The new breed of Taylor, Healy and Slater have now been on board for a few seasons. Taylor and Healy are very ordinary at best, seemingly there as a result of their efforts to be so pro-Australian that the others pale in comparison. Slater looked to have plenty of potential a couple of years ago, but has not progressed thanks to the team of donkeys around him. All too often he is heard sniggering like a primary school girl at the back of the box as a result of some in-joke between he and Taylor that nobody else is allowed in on. Must have had some rude words in them. When Gilly arrives, he is surely gone.

Ian Chappell is, was and always has been a commentary enigma. He, of all the Channel Nine crew, is the most likely to provide the best technical analysis – he is also capable of pointing out something so thought provoking that it will stop the viewer in their tracks. However, this is tempered by snide remarks usually directed at anybody playing Australia. The smarmy delivery does not make for easy listening, and at times over the last few seasons it almost appears as though he is getting bored with it all. The ignoring of Tendulkar is just plain sour grapes.

And of course last, but not least, there is Richie.

Long regarded as the doyen of TV cricket commentators, the once great Richie Benaud has gone on two seasons too long. His time on the microphone has been drastically reduced, yet when he DOES appear, he is reduced to corny one liners in a “really guys, I am very funny” method. If further proof was needed, his display in the Symonds vs Streaker episode was particularly unamusing.

Mind you, everyone else in the commentary box thought Richie was hilaaaaaarious. Course they did. He is, after all, their Godfather.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jan 29 2008
Uncategorized

Channel 9’s A team

…
Channel 9 suck, all Australian’s know this, Moses just mentioned it, Tony mentions it often, but in Australia we are stuck with them for a while longer.

So I thought we should rate their on air talent.

Bill Lawry – Rumours have be circulating around the traps for a while that Bill is on his way out. It’s not that he is losing form, its that he is in the exact same form he was when he signed his first Channel 9 contract. Would be unfair to lose his position when there are others around who are ordinary. Still gets excited, still speaks his mind, it’s just that we know what is going to come out.

B-

Tony Greig – Is still a pervert, but is not a pervert protected by Kerry Packer or his scientologist son. Continues to get cricketers names wrong. Continues to talk about broad shoulders and well built young men, and still the only commentator willing to say dirty things when pretty young ladies are shown. Invented crash helmets, the doosra and the Tony Greig shot (a lingering camera shot on a hot chick in revealing costume). Is not in particularly good form, but hard to remember a time when he was. Still hates Australia while making all his cash here. You have to respect that.

C

Richie Benaud – I am not worthy to rate the great man.

A+

Ian Chappell – You know before the year what you will get from him. He will say the SCG is his favourite ground. He will talk about Les Favell twelve times a test. He will say the opposition batting line up is wrong. He will complain about every captaining decision. He will try like fu©k not too swear. And he will name drop every important cricket name he can think of at all times. But he does actually have opinions and he does talk about cricket, so it’s hard to hate him.

B-

Ian Healy – The man was a champion cricketer. Which is lucky cause he is a horrible commentator. He can’t interview, he sits on the fence, he makes excuses for all cricketers mistakes and he has the on air personality of a fish that has been killed, scaled and regurgitated. Gets technical about a sport that is pretty damn simple. When on the cricket show giving a master class he is very good, but why not let him specialise in that. He is not up to commentating.

F

Mark Taylor – Can’t speak really that good. For a man that seemed so damn clever on the field, you would have to think he left all that intelligence out on the pitch. His only redeeming moments come in bagging Michael Slater, but that’s an easy target. He is lucky that Ian Healy is around, so he doesn’t look like a complete fool. He has ruined so many great cricket moments like McGrath’s hattrick, that he should be tried for heresy.

F

Mark Nicholas – The man who thinks everything is delightful, wonderful and exquisite. Only George Bush sucks up to Australians better than Mark. Everytime he spoke to Shane Warne Channel 9 had to replace Shane’s shoes for excessive semen damage. His latest escapade where he went over the top on Gilly for 3 days straight proves he is a sycophant and should be sent back to whatever pay tv network he came from.

D

Michael Slater – I always hated Slater, maybe it was all the failures in the 90’s, or his tattoo, his car or those Mrs Gilly rumours, but either way he got on my nerves as a player. As a commentator I don’t hate him. Compared with the other new breed, he is actually quite good. He bags himself well, doesn’t pretend to know anything about cricket and gets excited about buttering his toast. Sure he says 74 words when none will do, but he has a dumb guy honesty that seems to suit commentating. But that said, he is not in the 10 best commentators in Australia and should be shafted.

C

Simon O’Donnell and the Cricket Show – So’d is smug, and a tosser, but as long as he is shafted to the cricket show he is fairly harmless. After watching him on the races for long periods of times I know why he is only given a few moments at a time.

His show is out dated, stale and ©rap. They show filmed episodes that are boring and useless. Dan Cullen and Cullen Bailey get specials even though both of them are too sh1te to get regular selections for their state (the worst in the country) and yet Bryce McGain, Doug Bollinger and others who are an actual chance of playing for their country are hardly mentioned.

Either make it a cricket show like Inside Cricket on Foxtel, or make it a relevant clips show, and show specials on young cricketers who are performing at state level or just in the national side. Don’t give us the worst bits of both those ideas.

When the cricket show does try and tackle the big issues, they usually get round table discussions with Ian Healy, Mark Taylor and So’d. Does anyone really need that?

D-

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Nov 05 2007
general balls

last weeks poll


Who would have thought the player you people would have voted for to make Bill Lawry orgasm would be the one player almost as old as Bill.

Adam Gilchrist got a whopping 41% of the vote, proving Bill likes em experienced.

Shahid Afridi and Yuvraj Singh both got 17% of the vote.

And John Davison, the only Victorian in the list struggled with 6% of the vote.

Canada just can’t get a foothold in the cricket world.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Sep 13 2007
zimbabwe

that damn mugabe

I’d like to start by saying I didn’t watch the Zimbabwe Australia game. I meant to tape it, as the 2am starting time was a bit much for me. But I forgot. When I was in bed, I suddenly remember I had set up the timer, but I thought fuck it, its only Zimbabwe, they are basically as good as any country eleven side from New South Wales, am I really going to miss anything. It’s probably a good thing I missed it, cause I would have been so damn frustrated watching us lose to a bunch of teenagers.

I place the blame solely at the feet of Ponting. For years he has been known as Ricky, and Australia has won damn well everything. Suddenly this working class kid from Launceston decides to be called Rick (la di dah), and the Australian team crumbles.

Let me give you a history lesson Rick. Don Bradman, never asked to be called Donald Bradman, the song was never our Donald Bradman. Bill Lawry never asked to be called William, Steve never asked to be called Stephen Waugh. If you want your friends to call you Rick that’s fine, but don’t risk the good form of the Australian cricket team because you want to appear more grown up.

Ok I’m talking shit, but it seems just as feasible that we lost cause Ponting wants to change his name as anything else.

Australia losing to the Zimbabwians at world cups isn’t a new thing. It happened in 1983 when Australia had a bowling attack that included Lillee, Thompson, Lawson and Hogg. And that was a game when the greatest Pre Flower era player David Houghton made a golden duck. Both times we have lost to them it has been at a changeover period in Australian cricket. So lets use that as an excuse. This wouldn’t have happened if McGrath was still playing, unless he rolled his ankle in the warm up.

I think the Australians should lodge a protest, after all, its not fair we have to play cricket against a team that is run by a vicious dictator, I mean North Korea, Iraq, and the USA aren’t playing, so why should teenage kids from a country where there chicken shops don’t have chicken be allowed to play.

This is probably the best thing for this competition, because it means the other teams aren’t playing for 2nd place this time. Don’t discount the Aussies just yet, cause Rick (Ricky) plays his best cricket when he is pissed off. He is never more pissed off than when he is on a losing team. If anyone in world cricket can win this tournament on his own, it’s Rick (Ricky). See his 156 to drag Australia to a draw in the 2005 ashes as proof.

Graeme Smith must be still erect as I write this blog, this gives his team the best chance to actually win some thing. And as Shaun Pollock said, “I don’t think there’s really time to choke, everything happens so quickly.” That’s the spirit.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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