Tagged with bangladeshis …

May 29 2010
4 Comments
bangladeshis, poms

Previously at Lord’s

Bangladesh

They might leave this series with nothing but several room service bills with Porn charges, but today they played a good day of test cricket. They should be proud.

England

Seemed uninterested in really moving the game on.  Seemed muddled.  Seemed to have no back up plan when hitting the deck short of a length didn’t work.  Seemed to miss the 5th bowler.

Can Bangladeshi still draw?

Yes they can, and Shakib hasn’t even entered the pitch with his Uzi yet.

Play of the day

Any play of the day would be over shadowed by Johan Botha’s fine work.  However I did really enjoy Jamie Siddon’s trying to get a message across by punching his hand on the Lord’s balcony.

Testicular moment of the day

Tamim Iqbal is Bangladesh’s franchise batsmen.  Unlike most of the others, he doesn’t just have the skill to stay in at the crease or play big shots, he has the skill to do both. Sure he is sort of like a ferret being dropped down your trousers, but he can really play.  This was an important innings for him, his first at Lord’s, and he could have tensed up.  Instead he did what he did against England at home and played beautiful attacking cricket until running himself out.  He owes himself a hundred at a ground like this.

Working class moment

Imrul Kayes has the record of a plucky number 10 batsmen, but he opens the batting.  In the home series he got himself in the way of the ball and looked proper shit scared like of short pitch bowling.  Yesterday he never looked like scoring much (or hitting Jimmy Anderson at all) but he did stick around for way longer than he usually does. This meant he scored his top score in test cricket. 43.  OK, it is still pretty shit, but the boy didn’t look scared which is a step up for him.

Question of the day

How good will the playdoh tigers have to be for Jamie Siddon’s to clap them off the ground from the balcony tomorrow?

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May 29 2010
3 Comments
bangladeshis

Junaid Siddique puts runs in the book

Where I learned my cricket, runs in the book was the most important thing you could do.

It didn’t matter if your runs were scooped to the leg side, slashed on the onside, in fours or singles, taken from good shots or from accidental shots.

The phrase, “that’s what it says in the book” was used on constant rotation.

It was hard not to think about that when watching Junaid Siddique bat at Lord’s.

The boy is a bunch of nerves when he bats, he seems to open the face or edge almost everything.

Against quick bowlers he seems to have no scoring options other than edges.

When facing spin he is slightly better, but he still looks like going out at any time.

There is no time when he looks in control of what he is doing.

Even though England never bowled well enough to get him out, he still never managed to convince.

At the age of 22 averages less than 25 in First Class cricket in Bangladesh (which must take some work) and he makes batting look like the single hardest endeavor in human history.

Yet I’ve seen him make a test hundred when his side needed it.

And yesterday he made a test fifty.  At Lord’s.  Yet again when his side needed it.

I would say that if Junaid were playing top level club cricket in England, Australia, South Africa or India he would just be a handy batsman at this point in his life.

It is hard to judge if he will ever make a competent test batsmen, but right now he is not of test match class.

That said, I can imagine the old men at my club, drinking their beer, mocking the opposition, grumbling about some soft older player and supporting this kid who is out of his depth.

Someone would suggest to these old guys that that this innings was full of edges, bad shots and just looked ugly, they use all of his unconvincingness to make their points.  And they wouldn’t be wrong.

But I know those old guys would have just pointed anyone who bagged Junaid to the scorer’s table.

Tagged , ,
May 28 2010
3 Comments
bangladeshis, poms

Previously at Lord’s

Bangladesh

Decided to bowl first. I’m sure someone thought it was a good idea. Their fielding was as good as putting 9 newborn babies still cased in amniotic fluid out on the field.

England

The one player who was playing for his career, well not for his career, but for his immediate future, stood up. Everyone else looked bored. KP couldn’t even be bothered to be bored.

Can Bangladeshi still draw?

If it rains and Shakib Al Hasan takes an Uzi out to the middle with him, then Bangladesh will still lose.

Play of the day

KP going out to a left arm finger spinner is always entertaining. But my favourite moments of the day were when two Bangladeshi fielders were hit in the head. I like it when people are hit in the head, it doesn’t happen enough. One was brutal when Eoin Morgan marked his debut by smashing the face grill in of short leg, who I think was Kayes. Because he is still alive it was funny. The other player I am not sure about, but he dived after a ball in vain, but the ball then bounced off the rope and back onto his face. It was funnier than the Kayes one, but not as dangerous.

Testicular moment of the day

Every Bangladesh test Jamie Siddons resists the urge to kill one of his players. The veins that pump away in his forehead show how much he wants to do it, but he doesn’t. That kind of restraint takes internal strength and fortitude.

Working class moment

Trott had nothing to gain from today really. If he makes runs people will say he made them against a team as strong as your local 3rd XI. If he failed people would continue to talk about his spot in the team. Part of the working class aesthetic has always been that you’re fucked either way. Trott has picked the better end of the fucking, but it still means little.

Question of the day

Will Shakib ever bowl first again?

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May 28 2010
5 Comments
bangladeshis

ICC to regulate Bangladesh

Being the well-connected internationally renowned blogger to the stars, I have some pull.

So when I watched Bangladesh win the toss and bowl I called my good personal friend Haroon Lorgat.

He answered straight away, as he always does, and we had a good chat about life, love, accountancy, twincest and cricket. He really is a wonderful man, and I’m sure you’d like him.

After the general chitchat we got to the reason I’d called him, Bangladesh winning the toss and bowling.

I told Haro that this should not be allowed to happen again. The ICC should regulate against it, set up a working committee, send out a press release and all that sort of important stuff.

Bangladesh don’t have seamers. You can’t put teams in without seamers. It makes no sense.

Shahadat Hossain is bowling at a pace that old ladies can walk past. Robiul Islam bowls at a pace that Craig McMillan would mock. And Rubel Hossain is the Lasith Malinga you get if all you have is spare change.

England is still not a team of superstars, but when it comes to pop gun attacks this was a broken water pistol. England can handle an attack from a broken water pistol.

Bangladesh was so bad that a friend of mine said watching Rubel Hossain bowling made him almost tear up, he felt like he was watching himself bowl in a test. When you are watching a test bowler and you feel a kinship with him that tells you so much. I also bet there were thousands of people watching who were thinking what I was, I reckon I could score at least 30 against this mob.

When Bangladesh send a side in, on average that team makes 430. It is a pointless act. All they are doing is prolonging their defeat. Making us watch a lopsided game for longer without giving us an interesting first day. They could have batted first been out before tea, got the game humming along.

This is the sort of stuff I told ol’ ICC Haro. He understood what I was going on about.

While he didn’t guarantee me it would be a new Law, he is definitely thinking about it. Hopefully they will name it after me.

I would have called Jamie Siddons directly, but by the look on his face he is too angry to listen to my reasoning. Plus, if he had anything to do with today’s decision, or even if he didn’t, he is probably looking for someone to punch.

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May 27 2010
2 Comments
bangladeshis, poms

When Bangladesh did Lord’s

I’m sure there is an air of anticipation in the air.

The smell of freshly cut and expertly manicured grass, the small tear in the eye of a Bangladeshi player who steps out there for the first time, the hushed silence as the cap parts Eoin’s short gingerish locks and the glint of sunlight that filters through the gloom onto the father time weathervane.

Old men shuffling in with their telegraph’s wedged under their arms.

Bangladesh supporters being just a little too loud and excited for pink cheeked old men.

Young Tories coming to the ground in groups excitedly talking about mergers, shares and other ways to rip each other off.

NPower girls grabbing the attention of one and all by looking like Nazi cheerleaders.

Cricket tragics who are wearing replica shirts or tour shirts, team caps, runners in case they get a late call up and who have children in roughly the same attire.

Cricket sadists who are wearing less cricket like attire but are obviously looking down their nose at people who do and who have already worked out all the best paths to the bar.

Bacon and egg tie wearing members who have chosen outfits that will spectacularly clash with their ugly ties.

First timers at Lord’s who will rush into the ground with a sense of excitement wearing one thing, and come out with Lord’s apparel.

The picnic set who will bring in the Lord’s limit of alcohol in Champagne form, roasted duck panini, gourmet crisps and mini scotch eggs.

There will be apprentice members all over the ground, listen for the tut tuting that doesn’t come from the members.

Stone faced ground clerics who will not allow anyone to even look at their mobile devices, even for the time.

Emotionally cold guards who pat you down as you enter the ground even though you’ve come up with a joke just for the occasion.

And the press running around with their important lanyards on trying their best to get up to the safety of the press box so the stain of the regular people won’t touch them.

I am assuming this is happening as I am not there.

But one great thing about Lord’s, and cricket in general, is that this is still probably truish.

Lord’s bills itself as the home of cricket, so today there will be much chat about exactly who these Bangladeshis are. Do they play much cricket in Bangladesh? Who is their captain? Are they still poor? I knew a chap who was stationed in Bangladesh during the war, lovely chap, lives in Devon now.

There’s no place like home.

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May 20 2010
11 Comments
afghanistanis, aussies, bangladeshis, indians, irish, kiwis, lankans, pakistanis, poms, saffas, windies, Zimbabweans

the world t20 team report card

Afghanistan – Turned up with a bowling unit that most Minnows would be proud of, but their bowlers also ended up being their batting.

They were very loud, but showed real aptitude, but were kicked out of the library after being caught urinating on the technique books.

Australia – Finally selected a T20 team and got a test player to captain it. Took the gamble on 3 front line bowlers and it worked until their batsmen bottled it in the final.

Bullied their way around the schoolyard, and everyone sucked up to them. Next time they should stay focused until the end of the day.

Bangladesh – Tried hard at times but never had the firepower to scare Australia or Pakistan.

Truancy is a problem, if Tamim isn’t around the rest of the boys lose confidence. Perhaps they were promoted too quickly and could do well if they were to repeat this grade a few times.

England – Was the best performed and coached side in the entire tournament, Wright at six was a gamble, but their middle order stuck around and they deserved to win.

Polite, courteous, well mannered and simply a delight to teach. About time too, before this they were a disorganized bore that should have been spanked daily.

India – Arrived with a hangover, played like they were in a coma, picked the wrong side and then performed like their entire family had been killed by drunk drivers.

Spank them, send them to bed without their dinner, cut all extra curricular activities and make sure you give them a curfew.

Ireland – Showed yet again that they are a plucky yet largely untalented bunch. Bowling display against England was a masterclass in bowling slow seam.

Since Eoin has moved classes the Irish boys have looked slightly stupid, it might be time for remedial studies, again.

New Zealand – At times it felt like they were in the tournament, but that they also weren’t. They beat 2 of the Semi finalists, but not in the semi finals.

A very eager student who would do extra work than required, it was just that their best work was only just a pass.

Pakistan – Were shocking, brilliant and wonderfully insane, just like Pakistan should be. Need a captain, not an excitable poodle.

Were truant at the start of the semester, then came in late doing lots of work to try catch up. They almost passed but it wouldn’t be fair to students who turned up all the time, like M Hussey.

South Africa – had one of the bowlers of the tournament in Charl Langeveldt, and almost no one else. Picked the wrong team, stayed with the wrong teamand then failed to actually chase Pakistan’s total.

These boys are clearly too old for schooling, and didn’t look interested either. Perhaps getting them into the workforce would benefit them.

Sri Lanka – Surfed the wave of Mahela all the way to the finals, but outside of him and some isolated performances they were pretty ordinary.

Had one mature age student who was of no use, a cool student who didn’t seem interested and some experimental student who produced very little. Very disappointed in them.

West Indies – Teams who host these tournaments are usually useless, the West Indies proved that rule.

The entire class sit around waiting for Chris Gayle to do the work, and he can’t always be bothered. Andre Fletcher needs private tuition or home schooling.

Zimbabwe – Had a great array of spinners and almost entirely nothing else. Played good honest cricket, but are missing several components.

They seemed to be driven by fear of being spanked by their parents, but are generally a very poor academic group. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but Ray Price is surely too old to be at school, and I think I saw him beat up the Lunch Lady.

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Apr 29 2010
11 Comments
afghanistanis, bangladeshis, world twenty20

The World T20 thingy (chapter 1)

The world T20 is here.

While some people see this tournament as a lazy encore to the IPL, I see it as short. And when it comes to short cricket, I like my tournament short too. This one gets going within the week so I will be previewing the tournament in similar short fashion over the next few days.

Afghanistan

Obviously Afghanistan’s reason for swift promotion is because people were sick and tired of Australia being the alphabetically number one side in world cricket. Afghanistan had better enjoy this tournament as no one knows what will happen when John Howard takes over the ICC, but it doesn’t scream good news for them.

Can they win a game?

They’ve found themselves with the heavy weights of the tournament from India and the heavy weights in general of South Africa. The South African team usually grind minnows down into a fine dust, but they are out of form. And as we know India are always tired after IPL seasons. Afghanistan will won’t win a game, but at the change of innings in one game they will doing ok, before a spectacular failure in the second innings.

Players to watch or not

All of them, because most of us have no idea who they are, and we all want to find a minnow player to love and hold.

Australia

Australia finally took T20 seriously when they picked Dirk Nannes. Unfortunately at the same time they picked a captain who so far has been amazingly rubbish at the format. Their overseas T20 record is Ed Wood bad.

Can they win the tournament?

Or any games at all. If the Barbados or St Lucia pitches have pace in them then Australia has the line up that can scare the skirt of people. If not, they have a whole heap unsubtle fast bowlers and are will need Watson, Warner and White to all have the tournaments of their lives. Yes they can win, but they need some luck.Yet again they find themselves in the group of death, but this is more friendly than the last group od feath, this is more the group of gentle slapping.

Players to watch or not

Daniel Christian will do something in this tournament. He is like a more loose limbed way more insane version of James Hopes. He could set the record for most runs in an over or take a double hat trick.

Michael Clarke has a career T20I strike rate of 108, when he is batting, watch Breaking Bad.

Bangladesh

The best thing about being Bangladesh in this tournament is that the chances of them losing to another minnow relies on them beating Australia or Pakistan. Pretty unlikely.

Can they make the second stage?

Australia and Pakistan are not the two worst teams to play in the first round of this tournament. Australia seem to have an allergy to this tournament, Pakistan have the ability to lose to anyone. Whether Bangladesh are as good as Zimbabwe might be the question. I’d say Australia will crush them with fast bowlers and one good performance by Gul or Afridi will be the difference.

Players to watch or not

If Tamim Iqbal plays, currently under an injury cloud, you must watch him. He bats like a little rubber ball flying around a small concrete room.

Watching their seam bowlers work is always fun, make it into a drinking game and down a drink every time you see a ball you could hit for four.

Tagged , , ,
Mar 21 2010
6 Comments
general balls

the cricket twilight zone

Currently I am in some sort of a cricket haze.

I’ve been trapped in that cricket time zone that only a sick fucker would wilfully expose themselves too.

A cricket twilight zone where everything is happening around me and I’m trying to watch it all.

If you are reading this, I assume that at least once in your life you have done the same. The two test matches showing on the same day but in two different time zones has killed many a fan.

For me, it started for the shield final.  After spending one whole night looking for an illegal feed of the game I ended up just following the ball by ball on cricinfo till late into the night, and swapping that with my iphone and cricket Australia’s site from there on in.

This all became worth it when VICTORIA TOOK A SHEFFIELD SHIELD TROPHY SIZE DUMP on Queensland to win back to fucken back shield victories.  Although on the first night when they were 6/75 I did want to murder them.

Then the Australia Vs New Zealand test started, and being that Sky had spent all their budget on Zimbabwe West Indies, I had to watch it on illegal feeds instead.

Between these two series I was kept up to 2 or 3 am for a day or so, until I started my shifts on test match sofa.

Those tests started at 3am my time.

So my body went from going to bead at 3am, to being fully awake at 3am.

The first night of my commentary I was completely pissed after co-inventing a drinking game around moustaches in the show the First 48.

So drunk, watching one test on TV, watching another on the computer and following the match that meant the most to me via text commentary.

For the small time I am awake in the afternoon I usually watch about 30 minutes of comatose IPL action as well, generally I go back to sleep before I even work out who is playing.

It has been a big couple of days; I know I enjoyed most of it, although I feel like I have been flying around the world as cricket was shown to me on one of those shitty little screens.

I was so tired at one stage I’ll swear I saw an Australian player kiss his sponsor’s badge.

Funny what your mind does to you with no sleep, some alcoholic intervention and not enough sleep.

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Mar 13 2010
11 Comments
bangladeshis

Shakib

While some people have been watching the Dirk Nannes League I’ve been watching the Bangladesh England test for test match sofa (as I will be for the rest of the test).

It may not have cheerleaders and Lionel Ritchie, but it does have Shakib Al Hasan.

I’ve been a fan of his for a while now, but in this match he has performed some amazing feats.

Winning the toss and bowling even though you have four spinners in your team.

Bowling himself for the most overs even though his best ball for two days was naked junk.

Spreading his field regardless of the situation of the game.

Fielding like it was his first experience with a cricket ball, including dropping a catch.

Then batting for stumps with aplomb until closing his eyes and skipping down the wicket to give up his wicket only for his team to use a nightfuckingwatchman for a number 7.

If you told me he finished the day by sleeping with another player’s wife or burnt down a nandos on the way home I’d believe you.

Moyo captained an awful game in Sydney, but compared to Shakib in this game Moyo is the Robocop of captains.

If I was Jamie Siddons I would rip the limbs off Imrul Kayes and beat Shakib with them.

Which is a win/win situation.

Tagged ,
Jan 20 2010
aussies, bangladeshis, indians, kiwis, lankans, pakistanis, poms, saffas, windies

the cricket with balls’ ideal girlfriend test ranking system

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

The ICC has its test rankings involving numbers and nerds.  Not Interested.  So I came up with my own.  They mean nothing, but neither do the ICCs and mine took less time.  They also aren’t numbered for a reason, because that would be stupid.   You can date the bottom girl on this list (actually make that second bottom) and have a great time, and perhaps have a shit time with the second lady.

Natalie Portman –

There is no outstanding test side at the moment, so no one gets the Portman from me.

Kate Winslet – India

Capable of great things, clever, classy and hot.  But how many really cool films has Winslet been in?  Has the potential to be the perfect partner, but would it kill her to be a curvy sexy ninja in a Rodriguez flick?  Best of the bunch at the moment, but still has improvement in her.

Suicide girls – South Africa

They are hot, edgy and look great in photo shoots. When you are seeing a midnight showing of Donnie Darko they are the ideal partner, but leave them up to their own good and, well, they aren’t called the suicide girls for nothing.  Do you want to spend your time hiding the razors?

Cute girl on the train – Australia

It seems like a great idea, but what do you know about the cute girl on the train.  Sure, she likes Palahniuk, is wearing a cwb t-shirt and seems to be listening to Coltrane, but she could be nuts.  Cuteness and good taste in popular culture are important, but for every hip thing about her, there will be something you don’t know about, like how she breeds rats to kill them while you have sex with her.  She could turn out great, but she could be bi-polar.

Ellen Page – Sri Lanka

Has raw natural cuteness and talent.  Yet is still a little odd looking.  Not in a bad way, but from certain angles you question yourself.  Your main concern is her never-ending journey to be the coolest person in the room, we get it Ellen, just stop being a wanker for 5 minutes and be in an adult movie.

Plain girl in the office – England

Easy to overlook, but could be the one.  Obviously not as attractive as movie stars or with the hipster taste of the cute girl on the train, but suits you better than most.  Can you really afford to shun her just because she wears cardigans?  Although it must be said, she is not a good cook.

Brody Dalle – West Indies

Rock and roll.  Big highs, but scary lows.  There is something that draws you in, you’re not sure what, and it could be illegal, but she is supercool and has access to free drugs and booze.  Might only keep you around for a short time, but it could be fun.  Until the come down.

A chick on roller skates with bright pink hair in pigtails – Pakistan

She looks awesome, but she wears roller skates. That isn’t safe, what if she is rolling up to you and she falls headfirst onto your lap.  That wouldn’t be good.  The wow factor wouldn’t be any good when you have been hit in the nuts, and if you are hurt bad and you need medical supplies, the girl with the roller skates cannot be trusted.  Practically roller skates are always going to end in tears.

Joan Cusack – New Zealand

Not conventionally attractive that is true, but funny, and who would try harder.  The laughs will get you through. Sure she has a relative way more better looking and richer, but he is a dude.  Could be a keeper, because if you stay with Joan you’d have funny intelligent chirpy moderately successful children, although watch out for twins.

Your mate’s teen sister – Bangladesh

Dude, she isn’t even legal.  Look away.  But check back in three or four years, just in case.

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