Tagged with aus v pak …

Jul 15 2010
7 Comments
aussies, pakistanis

Previously at Lord’s

Australia

The sort of professional performance you would expect from a bunch of well trained athletes, kind of boring.  The batting wasn’t great, but it was effective.  Bowling was less so, but they’d have to collapse into mental bowls of tomato soup to lose.

Pakistan

Without the clouds gone they seemed to lack the sexual machismo required to put Australia away.  The whole Hilfenhaus experience was proof that no matter who the captain is, no one can lose interest like the Pakistani cricket side.

Who’s in front

Australia will win, unless they lose, which would actually be great but won’t happen.  Record chase for Pakistan with a batting line up made from left overs, un-ripened fruit and last year’s party favours would be great.  Without clouds it could be an interesting day.  With them it could be over very early.

Play of the day

It was windy at Lord’s, not so much in the press box, but everywhere else.  The sort of day that if you had a cap on that could be tightened, you’d fasten it as safely as you could.  Not Afridi, he kept his loose, and I counted it coming off at least six times.  Perhaps it was all an elaborate rouse to show people his luscious locks more.

Testicular moment of the day

There was a time when Ben Hilfenhaus was a walking declaration. He was a proper number 11 type number 11.  It wasn’t that he didn’t try, you could see the effort on his face, but then the bemusement as he would thrust at ball after ball with hiss bat and pad together never really hitting many at all.  Then last month on a sticky wicket in Queensland for Australia A he scored a first class 50, and something must have clicked.  Now he is batting like a real human being, and he has a 50 in test match cricket.  That injury that kept him out of bowling was certainly worth it for his batting.

Working class moment of the day

When Simon Katich was on 79 I tweeted that he wouldn’t make a hundred. He went out for 83.  Katich does this a lot.  Hence why I said he wouldn’t make it.

Weird factoid of the day

Ricky Ponting is the third top scoring Tasmanian in this match.  Also, he doesn’t have a 50 at Lord’s, but Ben Hilfenhaus does.

Read the crikey shit here.

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Jul 15 2010
2 Comments
aussies, pakistanis

Previously at Lord’s

Australia

Perhaps got away with some wide bowling early on, but in every way were the professional cricket team that just did what it had to do in order to get the upper hand.

Pakistan

They had to know that coming into this game with a batting line up this ordinary was a risk. Well that risk blew up, threw up, and put Shane Watson on the honour board.  There bowling was better, but their bowling is better.

Who’s in front

Australia were in front by Lunch, and by tea that didn’t change.  It is hard to see them chasing less than 300, and it is hard to see them making more than 200.

Play of the day

Umar Akmal had played the wrong line, Kamran Akmal had played no line, and Shane Watson was smiling and happy.  We needed something to the smile off his face, so Shahid Afridi treated him like a 15 year old net bowler.  Two huge sixes, slashed and smashed fours, and no respect.  But it was like riding a roller coaster naked covered in margarine, it was bound to end badly.

Testicular moment of the day

Salman Butt stood tall in a team of soft, pathetic, scared and unwilling batsmen.  He often makes runs against Australia, but this was a good innings because he went within 2 wickets of carrying his bat.  Yes, he didn’t have far to carry it, but this was a pretty good innings from a man with a test average of 30.  I felt bad when Watson snared him, he deserved better, like a freak run out, or a crazed naked fan coming onto the ground and rubbing his crotch on him.

Working class moment of the day

Shane Watson.  If you have a ticket, there is a chance you will win the lottery.

Weird factoid of the day

Roasted Guinea Fowl tastes like turkey.

For my recap go to crikey.

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Jul 14 2010
21 Comments
aussies, pakistanis

Pakistani cricket dies

There are many problems facing Pakistan cricket.

Senate enquiries.

Effigies.

Match fixing.

Spot fixing.

Shoaib Malik’s cuntoxability.

The Captain carousel.

Possible suspensions.

STDs.

Missing out on IPL gravy.

No home ground.

Opium.

Playing shit a lot.

All these things have affected Pakistan cricket in recent times.  But Pakistanis are resilient, they keep punching on.  It isn’t always pretty, and they usually fuck it up a bit, but bugger me if they don’t keep going.

Today that ended.

Today the hopes and dreams of that beautifully eccentric country were ended.

The killer of Pakistan’s plucky persistence was Shane Watson.

Ofcourse it was.  It all makes perfect sense.  For years we all wondered why Shane Watson existed, now we know.

Watson is here to end the Pakistan gene pool.

There can be no doubt.  It explains how he plays, how he looks, his general demeanor, why Australia were so keen to play him, everything.  He was sent here to end these people, and the bastard did it with that smile on his face.

As a cricket fan you might have grown to understand that at times, Shane Watson might make runs.  Not a lot of runs, and he might still give you a comical ending, but you know it could happen.

As a cricket fan the one thing you know won’t happen is Shane Watson cutting through your best batsmen like they are batting with breadsticks.  You know he won’t take a five wicket haul.  You know that, and that is what hurts.

It was horrible.  Watson was that dude from Indiana Jones, just taking out the hearts of Pakistan, not with his hand, but with his medium paced nonsense.

Akmal, Akmal, Afridi and even Butt succumbed to Watson.

Then he added a fifth, and that fifth gets his name on the board at Lord’s.  Right at the top because no other bowler has ever taken a five wicket haul in a neutral test match at Lord’s.

So if one day you want to know about the fate of Pakistani cricket, take the Lord’s tour and take a look at the neutral honours board and you’ll see

SR Watson 5 wickets

A monument to horror.

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Jul 14 2010
7 Comments
aussies, pakistanis

previously at Lord’s

Australia

Struggled, clawed and begged for runs as the ball swung around them. Then they gave up the fight a little and made the swinging ball look like a magic dancing orb. Not their best day.

Pakistan

Hung in there even when the luck was against them, and when the luck came back they pounced on it. Should be pleased with how they bowled, but you know, batting is important too.

Who’s in front

Pakistan should be, but if their bowling line up were on one half of a sea saw, and the batting unit were on the other, the batting unit would be high in the air. If the ball moves for the Australian bowlers the Pakistan batting line up of inexperience and mediocrity will struggle.

Play of the day

Ricky Ponting and the elbow of cricket. It doesn’t seem to matter who Ponting plays at Lord’s he fails. But this time he failed after a great catch and then stood in the crease due to shock. Then young Aamer/Amir – who is partial to ending up within physical contact of batsmen he has got out – got just a bit too close. The grumpy old bastard then put his elbow up to make sure the young buck knew he was in the wrong place. He then did a typical Ponting thing and told everyone who came between him and the fence about how rude it was someone was anywhere near him when he went out.

Actually I forgot Watson.  He left a ball, was given out LBW and was bowled.  When the cricket gods don’t want you around, they aint subtle.

Testicular moment of the day

Asif, baby. I mean come on. He bowls at the Nursery end without every really looking like the super smooth medium fast bowler he is. Then he moved to the other end, and it all changed. Then Asif took over. McGrathesque was used so often in the press box I was hoping he’d start bowling long hops just to shut people up. Instead he bowled like he was some sort of serial killer who had been trained in medicine and was very good at taking out vital organs.

Working class moment of the day

S Katich. Bit of luck, lots of graft, no hundred.

Weird factoid of the day

Marcus North has made more scores in single figures and triple figures than he has in double figures.

For my crikey wrap up go here.

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Jul 13 2010
8 Comments
aussies, pakistanis

the spirit of cricket is safe in the hands of australia and pakistan

Being that I am at Lord’s and have been watching a man drive around the ground what seems like 735 times, I started looking at the literature for the series.

You know, programs, little annoying pieces of paper, and other junk you get.

Most of them have the words MCC spirit of cricket on them.

Not because that phrase is so universal that everyone uses it, but because they are sponsoring the series.

Can you think of two worse teams to sponsor for the spirit of cricket?

It seems like some sort of ironic marketing campaign.

Let’s use the team with the ball biting captain and the team with the sledging captain and see how many people laugh at our campaign.

I just realised I am so bored waiting for the game I am talking about sponsor cards.

It hasn’t rained since I got here, just one guy driving around the ground.

Again and again, and again.

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Jul 05 2010
3 Comments
general balls

The sound of cricket in England

http://boos.audioboo.fm/swf/fullsize_player.swf

This is how loud it is from the press box.

I hope the sound works, cause I can’t hear it when I play it back.

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Jan 06 2010
aussies, pakistanis

Forget match fixing, Pakistan decide to choke instead

To the delight of all Pakistani fans they have realised their team is not a bunch of filthy money hungry assholes, but instead is just shit. Mercurial chokers rather than dirty match fixers.

Ofcourse not everyone thinks this, there were more than a few people on twitter saying that they thought it was matchfixingness rather than shitness.

But I thought this dude made a good joke:

“Quiz: Which ex-Pak Cricketer, Actor, Politician, Selectors, will be the first to accuse PAK of Match fixing !”

It wasn’t match fixing, it was test cricket,

Mohammad Yousuf’s captaincy was too obviously fucken horrendous to be match fixing.  Short of not having 11 men on the field, insisting everyone wear eye patches or injecting heroin into every player’s eyeball he could not have operated his team worse.

Another potential match fixing moment is the fact that Nathan Hauritz took 5 wickets, again.  Yet again he ran through the tail like dysentery and got top order wickets with luck which might look like match fixing, but could easily be described as tailenders losing their nut under pressure and op order batsmen trying to get on top of Hauritz. Plus Yousuf saw him as a such a danger he tried to kill him with a drive.

Then there was Kamran Akmal. How could his fumbly glovework every be confused with matchfixing. And a bit like Yousuf’s captaincy, if you are really match fixing you’d want to be a touch more subtle than dropping one man 3 times, and then not being able to catch the one tailender they cannot dismiss.

Lastly there was the little baby roller that was used, which doesn’t say match fixing, but does show that the leadership group of Pakistan know very little about what will help a pitch.

I hate that when Pakistan play shit match fixing is mentioned, it takes away their fans alien given right to call their team a huge bunch of choking nuff nuffs. It also ignores the brilliance of a choke like this, and is there a better sight in test match cricket than a team chasing a small total while hooking up their own autoerotic asphyxiation device.

The ridiculous fields, Kamran Akmal’s desperation seconds after dropping the ball (x4), Peter Siddle’s seemingly 2 foot wide bat, the attacking positive start, Hauritz’s thumb-crushing forearm catch, Kamran’s face when he realised he had fucked up his chance at redemption, the cautious middle, Umar’s hearts in the right place brain is up his ass swing, and the tail making struggling to keep out the spin demon at the end.

At one stage we saw a close up of Umar and straight after it Pakistani fans.  Oh the humanity.

It should also be mentioned that Australia played their asses off on the last day.

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Jan 03 2010
aussies, pakistanis

127

It seems about right.

Australia had gone four tests without a first innings collapse, that was never going to last.

That is all.

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