Tagged with ashley noffke …

May 14 2008
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the matrix explained

Lara Bingle’s father dying is exactly what the Australian cricket team has been waiting for.

Not that Mr Bingle wasn’t a fan of the Australian side, I’m sure he was.

He also probably wasn’t an evil super villain intent on destroying the team, although stranger things have happened.

His death, and Michael Clarke’s family commitments because of his death, means Australia can now reshape the side for the future.

They can now bring in the bowling allrounder.

Why have one if you’re not going to use him.

Australia has done pretty damn well without a real all rounder for some time now.

Having two of the all time greats bowling for you means the 5th option is not that important.

Now it’s becoming more and more clear that the 5th option is needed.

With Clarke out of the side, there is no reason why Noffke can’t come in and bat at 7, with Haddin making his debut at 6.

Haddin has the skill to average 40 batting at 6, at least.

Noffke is showing he could also average 40 at 7.

Why not take the punt, at least for one test, while Clarke is busy looking after the missus.

Bringing katich in is the safe and logical option, but what will it prove that we don’t already know.

Katich had his chance at international level and was hopeless for most of it.

He has earnt his spot back into the squad after the best state season a batsman has ever had.

But, his selection is just a bandaid, what I am proposing, and apparently Tim Neilson wants, is an experiment.

Both me and Tim like to experiment, although probably in much different ways.

Noffke is in the form of his life, so if you don’t pick him now, you might as well never pick him.

Selectors, I beg of you, leave the Krab on the shelf, we want Ashley Matrix.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Apr 25 2008
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Ashley Noffke, a member of the Bangalore test XI

Ashley Matrix, as he is known to his friends, is an all rounder from Queensland.

This was not always the case, he used to be a medium pacer from Queensland.

Unless he played against Victoria, and then he evoked the spirit of Keith Miller.

He was even dubbed the next Glenn McGrath a bunch of times, that was when he was a gangly medium paced line and length bowler with a nerdish exterior.

Then this year he got bored with being a medium pacer and became a fast bowling all rounder who was unstoppable in state cricket.

He is still definitely a bowling all rounder, but he is good enough to change the structure of the Australian test team.

Like guys like Freddy, technique is not his forte, he has a high backlift, and hits best when hitting straight.

As a bowler he is fast, and until recently was a line and length bowler.

Now he is a bit more Russian Roulette, but he is about 10 clicks quicker on average, so you can forgive him.

While he is built for 2020 and one day cricket as a big hitting fast bowling demon, he actually does a lot better in 4 day cricket.

Go figure.

He is far less nerdy than he used to be.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Apr 15 2008
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IPL grabs last blue chip player

The IPL made a huge mistake this week.

They realised they missed an Australian player.

Now with an injury to Australia’s hottest female cricketer Nathan Bracken, Ashley Matrix Noffke has been flown over to play for the fat cash.

That’s it IPL, we have no cricketers left.

Except for Daniel Marsh.

And he probably couldn’t be bothered.

But that’s it, no more.

You have everyone worth a dollar, now let the rest of our players do what they usually do in the off season, go to England and put on weight.

The IPL has also gone after coaches, mental strength professionals, towel cleaners and anyone else that has anything to do with cricket in Australia.

Well almost everyone.

I have still not received my official offer to join any of the teams as chief blogger, or as performance artist cricketer.

Tis a shame.

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Apr 01 2008
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The other ozzie newbies

OK so I have already ranted about Beau Casson’s NSWales quota selection and beamed about Future Pm’s selection, but surprisingly I still have more to say about a tour that is going to be a non event.

Now I can move on to the rest of the new selections.

Ashley “matrix” Noffke, not quite sure where he fits in to the scheme of things for actual selection. But for me he simply had to be picked. This season he had the second best all round results in the history of State cricket.

I am just glad he is now playing awesome against all states like he has always done against Victoria, cause frankly I was sick of being picked on. It will be interesting to see what the plans for this man are, but the way he is playing now, Haddin at 7 and him at 8 is a nice new combination.

Simon “the krab” Katich, was a man I could do without ever seeing play for Australia again. He has had so many chances, he has never consistently performed, and I don’t like the way he bats. This year he has made a kabillion runs beating the record of another man who just could not make it at test level, Michael Bevan.

Bevan could not make it at this level because of technique. The krab is in the same caravan. I do believes he deserves his selection into the squad, but I hope like hell he never gets picked.

Ben Hilfenhaus, don’t let the fact I’m about to bag him confuse you, this guy can bowl. But this year he played half fit, under done, before a one day game at the G, I saw him go under medical procedures that I had only previously seen Mr Burns go through.

Last year the man was the best first class bowler in Australia, this year he is made of liquid cheese.

Shaun Marsh (one day sqaud), is the son of the grinding Geoffrey Marsh. And was earmarked for Australian duties as an infant. His selection in this squad seems a little odd, but it may have been as a potnianl replacement for Gilly as opener if the rest fail.

This boy is a serious batsman type batsman, and he is a ten year player but just not sure if he is ready right at the moment.

Cameron White (one day squad), is here to replace the tongue. I have long argued that when all is said and done he is a better cricketer than the tongue, lets see if he can prove me right.

Oh and Michael Clark was named Vice Captain, because well, I have no idea why, but he was.

I’m sure I have something to say about that.

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Feb 26 2008
general balls

OBO of Allan Border Medal

Night starts off bad, as father and I have to convince mother to watch some crappy reality show in another room.

Mark Nicholas starts with a message about Rianna Ponting’s bun in the oven. Strangely no Michael Slater jokes. But Mark Nicholas does look radiant.

Gilly tributes start early with Ponting and Nicholas eager to out do each other.

Channel nine changes tact and puts in a quick quiz to the players on what the ten modes of dismissal are, I got nine, bloody hitting the ball twice got me.

Sri Lanka test series highlights forget to mention King Kumar’s innings, I get the feeling this is not going to be a night about cricket, but just about Channel 9 and Australian cricket.

India test series highlights had only the slightest bastard monkey references.

Sri Lanka series is so not important that no one bothers to read them out, India series is so important Mark Taylor’s expert oral skills and brought out.

The test player of the year (in a year of 6 home tests) is Brett Lee. Brad Hogg very unlucky to miss out.

Blonde Bimbo count is high, people sucking up to Gilly much higher.

Amazing that Mark Nicholas can still stand and talk, all the blood is rushing to his trousers at the moment.

They pretend to talk about cricket ads, but instead get some great plugs for Valvoline and Ford into the show. Bet that’s cheaper than the superbowl ads.

Roy gets interviewed and is still the funniest Australian cricketer, but that’s like being the sexiest Spice girl.

Roy And HG (not theAndrew Symonds Roy) give us some comedy. They get off to a slow start, but there are enough jokes in there, and they give a retrospective AB medal to John Glesson the one fingered mysterious bowler.

Channel 9 gave Kerry Packer and Tony Greig a tribute in the guise of World Series cricket. Max Walker and Len Pascoe come out well.

More Gilly sucking up, he gets on stage and even he seems to think it’s too much. Then Richie trots out to give him an empty wine bottle for being so good. It is encrusted not with jewels but with the Channel 9 logo. Would get upwards of 50 bucks on ebay.

An hour into the coverage and we have looked at 6 tests.

Australia’s one day losses to England and New Zealand are glossed over expertly, with world cup games against Scotland given more coverage.

Luke Pomersbach gets Bradman young player of the year award, he looks soberish.

Lisa Sthalekar got female player of the year award for the second year running. Heard her speak recently, she speaks very very well, much better than pretty much any male player. Also I feel she is rather attractive. Wonder if she is gay or taken.

Ashley Matrix got state player of the year. Only a nut job could argue anyone else has had a better year, that nut job being my father mentioning David Hussey.

The rogue traders took to the stage. We filmed them 2 weeks ago as they played a gig to 30 people. Now they’re playing to a couple of million punters, and they still suck.

Quick segment on the bollywood cricket film. I have heard the director talk about it, and the film doesn’t sound like its going to be good, but I could be biased cause I think most Bollywood films are sh1t. And most Australian films for that matter.

Being that this is shown live on Fox Sports Brendan Julian and his 4oo dollar hair cut get a run on the main stage.

Fast major controversy as Matt Hayden wins one day player of the year and kisses Gilly’s wife. Still no Slater jokes.

I stand by my pre world cup comments, that Hayden is just not a good one day player and shouldn’t be in the side. I think this last year has vindicated that call.

George Giffen was promoted to the hall of fame, he used to kill Victoria, so we hate him.

Ian Healy was also put in, he received some sort of sh1t stained wooden trophy.

Mark Nicholas takes 3 minutes out of our lives to explain how the Allan Border medal voting system works, just hand it out already.

And the winner is Brett Lee.

Fair effort for someone who missed a butt load of one dayers.

The real winner is Mitchell Johnson, his girl is extraordinary.

Mark Nicholas finishes the night with one last lick at the anal passage of Australian Cricket.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jan 30 2008
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The PM Vs. The King

The K-Rudd XI played a match against the Sri Lankans today at that place that isn’t quite Melbourne and isn’t quite Sydney, but has porn and fireworks.

Lets get the important bits out of the way first, the king kumar failed, got a very pretty nut from Hilfenhaus.

Now the game.

Cameron White was given the role of winning the toss and batting on a green top, and the cream of Australia’s one day crop folded like a foldable object.

The ended up at 152 all out.

A lot of ugly shots.

Noffke top scored with 30, so for him it was just like another game for Queensland.

Future PM David Hussey, SOS Marsh and the kiwi Ronchi all made dashing 20 odd’s, but the rest of their team mates couldn’t even provide that.

Malinga got 3 important wickets, those of the two Victorians and Animatrix Noffke.

The Lankans got to the score 6 wickets down, proving the pitch wasn’t a belter.

Dilshan and Sanath made the majority of the runs. If it wasn’t for Dilshan’s not out the Lankans may have lost, with everyone else going out without much of whimper.

Hilfenhaus and Noffke both impressed in their bowl off for Taits spot, and Cameron White did something we all assumed he had taken a solemn vow never to do again, he took wickets.

Perhaps Manuka oval is the only ground left in Australia that favours bowlers, no wonder it never gets minnow tests there.

Sime was heard to remark after the game, that under John Howard the PM’s XI were much stoic, dignified and conservitive.

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Dec 11 2007
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2020 commentary (2nd dig)

First ball, wow, Lou Vincent lucky you fielded well.

Brett Lee’s first over was scary good.

Did they drop in another pitch at the break, suddenly even Bracken looks like Wasim Akram, if Wasim was a white female cricketer.

They have fire jugglers, seriously, a little bit of m@sturbation is ok, but this is fu©ked up.

With all the excitement over the jugglers, I forgot about Tait, I hope he’s angry tonight.

Sixes over point, is the Waca bouncy again?

The kiwis have decided on a new tactic of hitting the ball straight up in the air, not working yet, but keep it up fellas. Nice commentary from gilly as he caught the ball, this could catch on.

How is taking the Michael Atherton approach to 2020.

Safe to say when a player is out on the field, his commentary skills are poor at best, so still better than the guys at 9.

Tait is back baby, oh my, that was quickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, great catch by gilly couple of bites at it, but that was quickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk. My nipples are hard.

Oh this is sexy as hell right now, how I’ve missed Tait, Taylor did well to knock it on. He was miked up as well, strangely he decided to get rid of it before he left the ground.

As the Kiwis slump to 5 for 31, I’m reminded of the words of the late great Willy Shakespeare, “Having nothing, nothing he can lose”.

Oram just played a great swat back over Tait’s head. Then next ball Tait almost took Oram’s head off. Ain’t fast bowlers grand.

If Ganguly, Tendulkar, Dravid or Laxman see this game, they may “accidently” miss their flight to Perth.

Tait and Lee are so quick, Johnson looks like a medium pacer.

Styris got himself out just as he was starting to really look pretty.

Ok I’ve had enough, call it off, when Harry Vettori plays a shot like that, the mercy rule should be brought in. It was one of those Lehmannesque walk accross the stumps shots, except Harry aint Lehmann. In that he isnt talented, overweight or guilty of racially vilifying Sri Lankans.

Mark Taylor just made a joke, wasn’t funny.

Wonder who’s on Letterman tonight?

Roy did it, what a legend, I knew someone would. Roy, on his way in to the wicket, called Oram a big bastard. Was worth me watching the whole game.

With the players miked up you get an interesting insight into what players think of when the game is all but over, money.

Due to Oram the Kiwis can keep some of their lunch money. He really is a step above the rest of his team mates.

Animatrix Noffke finished it off, he ended up with 3 wickets.

Oram was left standing in the middle, corpses at his feet, bathed in the blood of his fallen brethren. A sole gladiator standing his ground while his comrades run for the hills like jelly beans at a diabetes convention.

Game over.

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Dec 08 2007
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Proof it works

…
The other day I said that perhaps in the future Shane Watson should stay away from the press.

Concentrate on making runs and taking wickets.

And not feel the need to tell everyone he has changed his bowling action.

Twas a groundbreaking new concept.

Just to prove my point further, here is the case of Ashley “Matrix” Noffke, who really hasn’t been very good for a long time.

He was once going to be the next big thing, but then he faded away and none of us cared.

Then he started this season like a motherfu©ker from hell, and everyone is interested again.

Turns out in the last couple of years he has changed his action and run up whilst working on his batting.

Since he is on fire with bat and ball you can only assume it has worked, and so now we the public, are interested in it.

Funny thing that.

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Nov 29 2007
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spin this

With Stuey MacGill off filming Wolf Blass ads and forgetting to return calls, coupled with the fact India are coming out, the talk in Australia turns to a four pronged pace attack.

It does make some sense, which is odd for a selector. Australia is bathing in the glory of a golden age of quicks. McGrath may have left the building, but I have never seen so many options in state ranks.

Tasmania has Ben Hilfenhaus, the working class boy who seems stoked just to be thought of. He could single-handedly re invent the art of outswing bowling, and he seems like a pretty good bloke.

Western Australia has a stable of adopted fast bowlers. The one that is shining the brightest at the moment is Matthew Inness, the former Victorian left armer. His first class average is 25, and yet he has never been close to Australian selection. Perhaps its bias against carrot tops.

South Australia has the hitman, Shaun Tait. The man who is the pin up for what a fast bowler should be. Bowls so damn fast be practically rips his arm from its socket. Plus this other guy who at one stage was the go to guy for the Australia team, but now releases books about how Ponting was mean to him.

Victoria has never had problems finding quick bowlers, they just can’t keep any of them on the park. Harwood, Wise, and Denton are all top class quicks, and any of them on their day can rip apart a top class batting line up. And they have Dirk Nannes (say it out loud).

Queensland has a team of geriatric quicks, but they also have Ashley “Animatrix” Noffke. Who is in better form than Will Smith. Although calling him a fast bowler is a bit much, in fact calling him fast medium is a bit much, he is Greg Blewett paced, which makes him Mcgrathish.

Then there is New South Wales, who technically have a test match attack at the moment. Lee, Clark, and Bracken are all international players with either red or white balls. Just behind them is the oldest young dude ever, Doug Bollinger. Who recently destroyed Tasmania like nothing since they realised Princess Mary was from there.

So if Australia was ever to pick 4 quicks it should be now.

I think it would be a mistake, I was at the G the other night, the ball spun and bounced. Victoria used 3 spinners. The Mcg, Scg, Adelaide and the Waca are all venues that spin.

4 quicks is something that countries with no spinners do, Australia have 2 old stagers to pic from, or 2 young spinners from South Australia.

We are not ready to play one dimensional cricket like South Africa just yet.

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Nov 25 2007
general balls

ashley matrix

I don’t know how many of you have watched the Animatrix short films series.

They were made as a cheat sheet for Matrix nerds (Big daddy & I) as a filler for all the plot holes between Matrix 1 & 2.

I mention this, not because I plan on giving you a review of these short films, but because one of them has sort of (not really) become true.

There is a short film in the series called, World Record, it’s by far one of the wankier ones.

It’s about a sprinter who works out that the matrix exists by his super human performances.

This reminds me of Ashely Noffke’s recent performances.

19 wickets at 20, with three 5 wicket hauls. 393 runs with one century and a few fiddys to his name. State cricket has never seen a transformation like it.

One minute he is an average bit player who destroys Victoria from time to time, and now he is Luke freakin Skywalker.

Average players need to accept their place in life, they can’t suddenly become Keith Miller or Imran Khan.

When one breaks the shackles, if they perform so far above their station in life that they rip at the very fabric of reality, their body can surely not live up to that sort of strain.

Hence why Ashley Noffke performed such a perfect superhuman job of destroying Victoria, and then his body gave way.

There are limits to human endurance, and Ashley has learnt, he is not meant to perform at that level.

Luckily for him he hasn’t ended up in an asylum like the dude in the animatrix.

However he has learnt his lesson, so we can expect more measured performances from him, none of this superman ©rap in the future.

Monica was in the second Matrix. True Story.

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