The eighth Earl of Darnley (the only Earl of Darnley to captain England), Ivo Bligh, truly loved Australians.
After winning the Ashes in 1882/83, he took 6 Australians back home with him.
He kept them in his garden, often playing fetch with them, wresting with them, and occasionally slipping some gin into their water bowls.
To stop them mating he had the males castrated.
Eventually he grew tired of them and since no one else wanted to own Australians at that time, he had them all put down.
There has been 395 fatal pub stabbings from Ashes related arguments in Australia and England.
Also two in Paraguay.
The Ashes used to have a warm up guy do magic before the start of every test.
This lasted one test, before Fred Trueman punched him.
In 1988 Michael Bolton was employed to write a song for the 89 Ashes.
When he submitted the song it was declined by the ECB & ACB, they felt it was too edgy.
The song was “How can we be lovers”.
Bernard James Tindal Bosanquet invented the wrong one.
That in itself was magical enough.
But he also went on to invent the first ever ‘fucking machine’.
His device, for men, was essentially a vacuum & sock combination, that had to be taken off the market due to the massive blood loss it caused.
He flirted with making a device for women, but found that nothing could ever compare to his wrist action.
When Asio was holding a suspect that just wouldn’t crack, they would bring in Keith Stackpole.
Keith would come in with his bat, and just start playing shots, it was the ultimate bad cop routine, and although Asio had to replace much of their light fittings and furniture, they decided it was worth the expense.
Unfortunately the UN banned this practice after Keith ‘accidentally’ hit a suspects head straight off.
There has never been a cricketer better at frolf than Angus Fraser.
At the WSSA National Youth Day Sport Stacking Championship in Roodepoort South Africa, Fraser came a respectable 12th.
Although by his demeanor you would have assumed he came last.
Everyone knows of Jack Hobbs, the stunning accumulator of runs, few know of his work in the field of dance.
Jack had brilliant footwork in cricket, but that was nothing compared to his footwork heading his interpretive dance troupe, Le Maître.
To keep his anonymity, he danced in masks and heavy make up, but if you sat there and watched him dance his way through the Russian Revolution there was little doubt those were Jack’s magical feet.
Sometimes Victor Trumper was batting so fast he jumped into a simultaneous dimension.
It was embarrassing for him, one minute he is hitting 24 off an over, the next he is fighting off amazingly intelligent triple headed snake with Oscar Wilde wit.
The over rates were always terrible when he was batting, as everyone had to wait for him to come back into our dimension.
