Tagged with andrew symonds …

Oct 16 2009
blogs, IPL

Cricketainment

Kingcricket is on great form over at TWC about why he doesn’t like the IPL teams.

“We can’t even look at the individual players without wondering whether they were the subject of lengthy discussions about how their presence in the side would ‘position the franchise for consumers’.

“How does Andrew Symonds represent the Deccan Chargers ideals and values?” they’d have asked. “Do his qualities fit with our image? What’s our official stance on the shoulder-charging of streakers? Do we have one? Why don’t we have one? Let’s say that we’re pro shoulder-charging streakers so that we can sign Roy.””

It is funny that he has picked Roy as his muse, since it was Roy who was in trouble for drinking too much alcohol by the Australian team, even though they are sponsored by many an alcoholic company.

That was a case of making a stand on behalf of the Australian cricket consumers, while flogging off the same product.

I still have no idea what Australia’s official stance on alcohol consumption is.

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Jun 13 2009
aussies

Classic news

Andrew Symonds has been dumped off the Australian Contract list.

Ofcourse.

Who replaces him?

Shaun Tait.

Some of you might say that is weird, a batting all rounder goes out, and a bowler comes in.

But if this isn’t the best case of like for like ever I don’t know what is.

One troubled case out, one troubled case in.

This is so the Cricket Australia Administracrats have something to do.

Otherwise everything will run so smoothly they will not be required.

And they would never let that happen.

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Jun 11 2009
world twenty20

a godless tournament

The Cricket Gods hate us, all of us.

Roy goes home.

Dirk goes home.

Sehwag goes home.

And now Jesse has an infected groin.

Tell me there isn’t at least one player on this list you love to watch.

Someone who makes you want to tell that special someone that you have a headache just to watch them play.

Look who has replaced them.

Cameron White, Fresh Air, Dinesh Kartik and Aaron Redmond.

Come on.

Give us something.

I like Cam, and I think Dinish looked in sparkling for in the IPL, but look at the names we are missing.

Seems like someone is pissing on this tournament.

I mean Aaron Redmond.

Give me a break.

I fell asleep once thinking of him batting.

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Jun 05 2009
aussies

Drunken Artist

Roy was hated by many, and loved by few.

That was part of the appeal; everyone doesn’t love the best artists, otherwise Nick Cave would outsell NSYNC. 

Roy was the Daniel Johnston of cricket.

While others fiddled, tweaked, over thought and planned their cricket, he just went with simple instinct.

Batsmen can often end up being nervous wrecks; all rounders have a certain freedom, and Roy used his handy bowling as an excuse to bat like a free spirited nudist.

His off spin and medium pace could be compared to Johnston’s music; it was there, but it wasn’t the reason you came, but when seen with Roy’s batting, which were the Johnston lyrics, the whole thing made sense.

Roy’s batting was straightforward, keep out the good ball, and hit the bad ball as hard as you can.

Some batsmen treat spinners like they are magicians bowling down a cricket ball hidden in a bowl of fruit, Symonds treated them like any other bowler.

He was fragile, like Johnston, usually not on the field, but off the field you feel he needed his tyres pumped more than most. , his potential was always there, but he needed someone to get it out of him.

Ricky became his cricketing daddy; without Ponting, Roy would never have made it.

Johnston has never been known as an intelligent man, and some say he isn’t even a genius, just an idiot that writes stupid pop lyrics. They may be right.

Roy could also be a brute that hit the ball so hard he got away with a career.

But I’d take 1 Roy before I’d take a bunch of Bells or Princes.

He brought colour to the game, and I like characters in my cricket, even the ones I don’t like.

I am not sure if Roy was a lucky bullying slogger or a simple batting genius, but fuck I liked having him around.

Why do I think we are the ones who lose out here, some lose a hero, some lose a villain, but we all lose someone different.

While I am sure Roy would hate Daniel Johnston’s music, but when I was writing this these lyrics kept coming back to me.

If I was a cricus man
Then I’d be a circus man
Only you could understand
All my life ahead of me
That’s the way it ought to be
Circus take me away
Yonder where I’ve been again
Then I’ll be back again
Be a brand new day

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Jun 04 2009
aussies

Raise your glasses

Roy, we have followed you throughout your entire career. You have entertained us all, off and on the field. Your drunkenness, rude way with fans, mild abuse to the press, and general need to fuck yourself over has been a breath of fresh air in this age of professional robot cricketers (Probots).  James Sutherland will never allow us another you, Roy. You are it, a dying breed of drunkard cricketer, a throwback to a time when getting drunk and being good at cricket went hand in hand. You had the misfortune to be born in the wrong era, in the 70s or 80s there would have been no scandal if the odd bus was missed, or if you rocked up to the odd game with no sleep. Those days are gone ol’ chap, and your story is testament to that. You’ve had your fun though; you ol‘ lump of shit you. You played for your country, hit a streaker, appeared half naked in ads, and got more free booze and women than most of us could ever dream of.

When you sit down in the Drunkard’s Valhalla, you can do it proudly, as you pissed away your career with stunning masculinity and brutish charm.

Cheers to Roy.

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May 28 2009
aussies

the meeting

Counsellor: Hi Andrew, tell me why you are here.

Andrew: Hi. Yeah spose it all started a few years back.  We were playing the Deshis over in England. And I went out, got pissed, and yeah. Ricky was fucken pissed, the media blew it out of proportion, course.  Things went ok from there, finally made some test runs and shit.  Used to like, rope of areas in bars for test players only, and stuff like that. Look I was cocky, and a bit of a bugger, but I did my job, and everyone was happy. Then we get to the West Indies and it all goes pear shaped. Pup turns into a tea-totalling nerd, and suddenly I’m the problem cause I miss a bus. I mean fuck, like had I changed, no, he had, and suddenly I am the cunt.  Anyway we came back home and we are playing the deshis again, useless bastards, and we have a day off, so I piss off from the boring bastards and go fishing. While i’m gone they decided to get together. Well sorry chaps, I was out of mobile phone range, but they don’t care, and I’m out. Then they pick me again, after I have to lick so much ass and talk about my mother and shit, you know. We win, so I have some beers yeah, with some mates, rugby players, good blokes, salt of the earth types, and some little pin head wants an autograph, so I tell him to fuck off, and it makes the fucken papers, like these media shits don’t have anything better to talk about. So I’m in the shit again, but it dies down and eventually I hurt my knee and have a break. Then I’m on the radio., with Roy & HG, funny cunts, and I’ve had a couple, I mean it’s the afternoon, and I tell em what I think. Well fuck me, you’d think I’d have shot someone, the media is following me around, everyone is squawking about it. It was all bullshit, I just said that Brendon McCullum was UnAustralian and that Kellie Hayden is hot, but the media turn it all around. Yet again I have to kiss ass, see quacks, no offence, do all that shit. But then I get picked for Pakistan, and I think I am alright again, until the Ashes squad comes out. They drop me for that Ranga shit cunt. I cannot believe it, it well pissed me off, and then I went and made some cash in South Africa, and got pissed every night. That’s about it.

Counsellor: So do you think your drinking caused this?

Andrew: Course not.

Counsellor: What do you think caused it?

Andrew: I dunno, media, Lara, nah, probably just bad luck. Can i go?

Counsellor: Yes, could you send Shaun in.

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May 26 2009
IPL

The IPL form report of the current Australian players

These were  the significant players. Tomorrow will be the insignificant players.

Brad Hodge – Kolkata
365 @ av 40 sr 117 hs 73
7 wickets @ 23 econ 8.05 bb 3/29

Started off terribly, but as the team fell apart he became their banker. Eventually showed why he had made so many runs in this format of the game, happy to be 30 off 30, and then explode at the end. Was used as a front line bowler at times, which he isn’t, but he did bowl some very good overs.

Brett Lee – Punjab
28 runs @ av 14 sr 82 hs 14*
5 wickets @ 22 econ 5.55 bb 3/15

Only played a handful of games, but looked more like the late 07/08 bowler, and less like the heart break kid of recent times. Always does his best work with the white ball, so not a huge surprise he was too good for most batsmen at this level. His batting looked rusty but he will just be happy to be out in the middle and thinking about cricket.

Andrew Symonds – Deccan
249 runs @ av 35 sr 150 hs 60*
7 wickets @ 22.85 econ 6.66 bb 2/18

Won the final with 2 wickets in one over, and his medium pace bowling was swinging a lot, and was hard for most people to hit. His batting always looked murderous, but couldn’t quite cash in as he would like. Would be happy with his form though.

Ryan Harris – Deccan
21 runs @ av 21 sr 116 hs 9*
6 wickets @ 38 econ 7.41 bb 3/27

Couldn’t buy a wicket, but no one found him easy to hit. His bounce made him an ideal bowler. Was bagged in the South African press for not being up to it and then played as one of the imports in the final winning side.

David Warner – Delhi
163 runs @ av 28 sr 123 hs 50
Outshone Sehwag and Gambhir at the top of the order, but never really broke free. His fielding was probably his highlight, some of his efforts were amazing.

Dirk Nannes – Delhi
15 wickets @ 24 econ 7.51 bb 3/27

Started off with an average performance or two and the commentators and press questioned why he was in the side. 5 games in and he was being pronounced as rare diamond. Probably didn’t take as many wickets as he would have wanted, but was unplayable when he got it right.  Definitely the best performed of this bunch, and even with Gilly’s punishment in the semi, has come away with a lew legion of fans.

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May 20 2009
ashes

Close but no ginger

My Ashes squad prediction was almost correct.

The only mistake I made was Symonds out, McDonald in.

Andrew Strauss must know that he can’t win the Ashes now.

How can anyone beat the awesome game winning power of Andrew McDonald.

Symonds must be on one hell of a bender.

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May 05 2009
ICC

The ICC racially villify Andrew Symonds with poor taste Gorilla Video

Look at the Video.

Shocking,

Think of Andrew Symonds, he wakes up this morning, goes to check his rss feeder, and sees the ICC taking this piss out of him.

Poor fella.

And not ionly is this ICC made video in poor taste and racist, it is also against the laws of cricket, as you cannot hit the stumps with your bat when you go out.

Apparently the ICC guys got so excited about this video, that they decided to play the parts themselves.

The one batting is Haroon Lorgat.

The bowler is Dave Richardson.

And the one sitting there doing sweet fuck all is David Morgan.

Lalit was so pissed off he made his own video, it is already way more popular than the ICC one.

I would like to thank the ICC for paying me 50 USD to bag them.

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Apr 20 2009
aussies, IPL

roy is not a banker

No that is not a typo.

Allegedly Andrew Symonds signed a bat, and gave it to a banker type dude to get some fees waived when he was getting a loan for 1 million dollars.

The one million dollars went into a failed business, hence why the signed bat thing has made the media.

At least I think that is what happened, i tuned out sometime after the title of the article.

You have to respect Roy, he has chosen to play for Australia and forsake his IPL millions, and yet he just lost a million in a dodgy scheme.

You don’t have to respect him for taking out a loan and putting it into a dodgy scheme though.


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