Tagged with andrew flintoff

Freddie achieves every commentators favourite cliché

One thing struck me while i was watching Freddie bowl with a 74 year old woman’s hip.

Would Jacques Kallis do this?

No, ofcourse fucking not.

Is Freddie a drunkard, yes.

Are his stats are as amazing as Jacques’, no.

Should he achieve more for his talent, probaly.

But the guy is a fucking blood stained warrior.

The look on his face as he bowled was of the purest agony you will see outside of a dad watching Delta Goodrem concert, or perhaps a messy pregnancy on a small framed woman.

PAIN.

While I admire batsmen who go in with an injured limb, there is something sexually gladiatorial about a bowler running in with a major injury.

Ball after ball Freddie thrust himself into the wicket.

Pushing himself to penetrate the Windies line up.

His hip pulsating and drenched with sweat.

Killing himself to give the English public the relief they desired.

Thumping the ball into the track with raw power, then doubling over to nullify the pain.

Other bowlers have probably bowled with more pain.

Other bowlers have possibly bowled with as much pain for longer.

But how often have we been up close and personal as a giant of the game puts his team first, and storms through the pain barrier ball after ball.

We were right there with him, the broadcaster’s cameras in his face.

The pain was with everyone one of us. and he just kept going.

Every over looked like his last, but he refused to give in.

When he came back on for his final over, I just wanted the big man to get a wicket, even though I couldn’t stand the thought of England winning.

At one stage while twittering I wrote this,

Freddie is now just an pumping organ on the field, he as finally achieved the great sporting cliché, he is now all heart, nothing else.”

The scorecard will look like this, 15 overs 5 maidens no wicket for 32.

But it seemed like so much more to me.

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Freddie out

You would hate to be an English fan when Freddie goes out.

There might be better players than him in side, but, he is the heart.

So when he goes out to a half tracker that he scoops to point in the second over of the day, it must just fucken hurt to be English.



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Freddie is not dead, praise the lord

True.

He has hurt his left side, which as you know, is 33% worse than discomfort.

He is being monitored.

No one is monitoring Owais Shah though.

And because of this he has sliced his eye ball open, he is a big fan of spanish surrealism.

The injury only happened because the 24 health care professionals they have over there are all working on Freddie’s discomforting hurtness.

No cricketer should have to tend to his own eye.

It’s obscene.

Injuries were sure to follow.

And now, Owais looks like this.

Which is cool, but it makes it harder to bat.

He doesn’t have us fooled though, he is just wearing the eye patch to get the ladies.

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Flintoff is DEAD

And by that we mean injured.

Actually by that we mean he has discomfort.

In his left side.

This would mean he has a pimple on his left hip.

A big pimple.

I am not really sure what is wrong with him.

If I was a doctor and he came in with discomfort I’d give him valium.

That would help too.

This Freddie discomfort means he is out of the match, and England have replaced him in the live match with Stuart Broad.

Now i don’t know the first class rules back to front, but surely this means this is no longer a first class match.

Which means Akito Willet is still without a first class match, but let them try take his 5 wickets off him, then you will see me really angry.

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Freddy talk’s up England’s Dr Phil

“If anyone’s got a problem they go straight to Harmy. He’s got his door open every time. He’s got his DVDs. It’s almost as if Harmy’s room has become the team room or the common room for everyone. There’s people coming and going all the time.”

Freddie

I want to know what magical DVDs Harmy uses to help the english players with their problems.

I bet he has showed Andrew Strauss Zulu like 83 times.

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Jimmy does his job

It’s been rough to keep an eye on all three test matches.

With Tim McIntosh playing a dashing innings, and South Africa strolling home, all my time has been taken.

But I still had a few moments to see England fall apart.

Their weapon of choice was the nightwatchman.

James Anderson’s one job was to get Freddy through to stumps.

Instead he took a single.

Now there are many problems here.

Using a nightwatchman is a terrible practice that was invented by soft cock batsmen.

It has no place in cricket, and any batsman who can’t go out to face 8 balls probably shouldn’t be playing test cricket.

But when you do it, surely the job is for the tailender to take the last over, not take a single to put your last batsman, one who is set, to face the last few balls.

Even if the nightwatchman goes out the loss is negligible.

Because it’s Jimmy Anderson.

And other than not making ducks, he has little other use as a batsman.

There is a reason I brought up that factoid about Anderson’s duckless batting career, and not just to sound like a train spotting cricket tragic dickwad.

It’s because Anderson was on zippo when he took that single.

He had not a cracker to his name.

It’s a harsh call to say he took the single, thusly abandoning his job, just to keep his steak alive, but I have been called worse than harsh before.

Either way England have worked themselves into a unwinnable position, and the chance of losing 2 nil in a 2 test series.

At least Australia took 4 tests to do that.

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Who is not going to India?

Sky just reported that the sunday telegraph reported that Harmy and Freddie may not be making the trip back to India.

Is anybody surprised that Harmy is the first player mentioned as a possible non tourist.

This giving the players a chance to choose whether they go back is very nice and cuddly, but it does open up a fresh can of crap.

If half the players want to go, and half don’t, can England still send a team over, knowing their best players are not playing?

Should players decide individually, and not as a team?

Is Harmy really part gerbil?

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Freddy Vs Jacques

Like all good horror films there are two villains.

One you really like.

The other you really hate.

One is cool and looks fun to be around.

The other looks boring, and you’d rather be killed by anyone else.

Obviously you have read between the lines and can see I am talking about the all rounders for England and South Africa.

There isn’t much to like about Jacques.

He seems to have no common touch, no team ethics, he looks arrogant, seems to not try and dates woman that should no better.

Freddy is a man of the unwashed masses, plays for the team, looks like a top chap, is a drunkard, and his woman should be proud to play with his dark spot.

If you were picking a team mate to inspire you, fire you up and go to war with, Freddy would be the man.

Up until recently you base this on his bowling, and throw in the odd big innings and everyone would be happy.

But Freddy can’t bat anymore, and tragically, Jacques is even out bowling him.

Freddy gives his heart out with the ball, and he seems to beat the bat as much as any bowler in world cricket, but no one tries harder for less wickets.

Jacques wobbles in, bowls at half the pace the Aliens gave him and knocks up getting wickets.

Freddy is feared as bowler, and Jacques is seen as intermission.

But in this series Jacques has had the greater say.

It’s disgusting.

Freddy gives everything, Jacques gives little.

Perhaps the old saying is true, good drunkards do finish last.

By the way Freddy Vs Jason is a shit film.

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Freddie serves chicken hearts & sehwag preaches

Cricket is a funny game.

True Story.

Today I got to watch Neil McKenzie be Neil MacKenzie.

I missed Sehwag standing on the pulpit smashing away an evil mystery.

As an avid sehwagologist I should have been front and centre, but as always I was not allowed to see two lots of brown men play against each other.

Not fair.

MacKenzie I am allowed to see.

But I would prefer to stick a turkey baster full of vinegar into my penis.

Then when life overtook cricket, I also missed watching Freddie handing Kallis his tiny chicken heart on a platter.

From what I hear Kallis didn’t like the taste one bit.

This I was allowed to see via the wonders of replay.

But nothing can beat Kallis getting clean bowled live.

So instead of regaling you with vital insights into Sehwag’s brilliant innings, or hyping up Kallis v Freddie Don King like, I am left with only talking about how exceptionally well MacKenzie leaves a cricket ball.

Which he does.

No really, he does.

It reminds me of a proust poem.

You know the one.

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The dark knight – a pitch report

If you wanna see Batman, and know nothing about the film when you go in, this may not be the cricket blog to be reading today.

It has mild plot spoilers.

The dark knight starts off with the Joker, who resembles what I hope Gunther would look like, having a little moment.

Then there is a bit of batman, who is like Freddy, really cool, but a lot of damage just below the mask.

Scarecrow is there for a second, but like Asif, he disappears quickly.

The batman meets up with his ex Rachel Dawes, who looks a bit like Nathan Bracken, and some dude named Harvey Dent.

Dent’s a little Jacob Oram, if you get my drift.

Every now and then we see Lt Gordon, who gets the job done, but is pretty boring, like Mike Hussey.

There are mob bosses, one who reminds me of Graeme Smith, and a bank manager who shares similar traits with Mahela.

Gunther gets off to a flier, Freddy thinks he has him reigned in, especially with a few short ones, but Gunther is two steps ahead.

Jacob Oram takes over the attack for a while, he goes for line and length, it doesn’t work and Bracken has plenty of advice for everyone.

M Hussey comes into the attack, but that doesn’t end well and Freddy has come to come back on.

While this is happening Jacob Oram forgets about bowling and goes and puts his pads on.

Mahela and Smithy are pretty much ignored.

Predictably things go to shit, Gunther is way crazier than Freddy could ever understand, Freddy is in love with Bracken who is in love with Oram (still the bowling one), M Hussey runs into mischief and Graeme Smith does an amazing imitation of Eric Roberts.

Eventually Freddy has to get fit.

Jacob puts his pads on.

And

Gunther is one crazy mother fucker.

Best game I’ve seen this year.

Gunther plays a blinder in his retirement year.

Worth going to all 5 days.

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