Tagged with alastair cook …

Aug 12 2011
8 Comments
poms

Smashing Alastair Cook with a large space rock

Alastair Cook seems like a nice guy.

OK the hunting and working class things are a bit odd, but I doubt he abuses small children or throws faeces at monkeys.

And I respect the fact that even though he has a fairly flawed technique he makes more runs than most whilst never sweating.

It’s just that I’ve seen it.

A lot.

I’ve dreamt of him, fantasized about him being a reptilian, and seen more hours of him batting that I’ve seen Robocop 2, the Matrix, Predator and the 1985 Perry Mason Godzilla combined.

During the Ashes I thought it was because he was taking down my team, but no, it’s not that, it’s just Cook, he burrows into my skin and gently nudges away at my life force for days on end.

It’s enough already with the fucken Alastair Cook.

Had I attacked a woman on the bus because I hated her hat, I’d probably get less hours of community service than one Cook innings.

They just go on and on, they never change, there is no difference, it’s just the subtle strangulation of accumulation and death.

If Cook was a dictator, he wouldn’t put his face on anything, or declare wednesday to be Alastairday, people would just start disappearing when they said anything that wasn’t polite or Pro Cook.

That is why right now I want an Asteroid to come down to earth and smash into Cook as he turns it on the legside for one.

I can take no more, and if the only way to stop Cook is with this fiery space rock from hell, and I have to go with it, then fuck it, kill me, kill him, but make this stop.

Oh please make this stop.

Sometimes the only option is a large crushing force from above.

Please space rock, save me, save us all.

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Nov 18 2010
6 Comments
player profiles, poms

balls profile: Alastair Cook

No cricketer has ever worn more eye shadow while fishing at edges and opening the batting for England than Alastair Cook. Should really be called mini-Strauss, as he is very similar to Strauss, but sort of less. Has major technical flaws, never really puts his stamp on good attacks, and looks like he is confused as to what is happening around him. Luckily, he also has amazing patience, zen patience. The sort of guy who will stay outside in a queue for a cool night club for hours knowing that when he gets in it will be fun, even if he will only drink diet lemonade when inside. As explained in his Britneyesque autobiography, he is the most working class person from Essex to ever regularly go skiing. His brother is a top bloke.

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Jan 19 2010
poms

Alastair Cook will captain England in common sense’s absence

Alastair Cook has been named as England’s Test captain for their tour of Bangladesh in February and March, after the selectors opted to stop thinking.

National Selector Geoff Miller said: “Andrew Strauss has provided outstanding leadership for the team in both forms of the game over the past 12 months and the selectors feel it is important that the team knows what it is like to have rubbish leadership and we are extremely confident that Alastair Cook can provide this.

Strauss is the only frontline Test batsman to miss the trip. “We still want to win, we just don’t think we need good leadership to do that,” said Miller.

“Our decision to appoint Alastair Cook to the Test vice-captaincy last year was completely random, clearly we had no idea then, and now we have demonstrated consistency with our decisions. We have no idea what we will do next.  We’re crazy.”

“Cook’s played over 50 Tests now,” added Miller, “surely that, plus the fact he went to public school, can talk good, is a batsman, and is not from the north is more than enough reason to make him captain. Although we want to make it clear, we had no such reason when we made the decision, but we thought we better backward engineer one.  Darren Pattinson was also considered.”

Buy my book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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Dec 17 2009
poms

Cook becomes Gooch, but shitter

Graham Gooch has done everything in his power to give little Essex star Alastair Cook his batting mojo.

He hasn’t asked him to get fat or put on a hilarious moustache, but he has got him standing taller, getting his twitchy footwork done earlier and playing straighter.

For all that training Cook’s front foot is still in the air as the bowler lets go, he still wafts with a slanted bat at wide ones, and plays at ball he doesn’t have to.

Today he nicked one that was dropped, then nicked another one and buggered off.

I think Gooch was a terrific player, and for all i know he could be the Vince Lombardi of batting coaches, but something isn’t right here.

Is turning Cook into a bastardised version of himself really going to help?

In no way is Cook’s normal batting anything like Gooch’s, so why shape him that way.

Surely there is a way to change his technique without moulding it onto one that is the polar opposite.

It reminds me of the whole Cameron White coaching fiasco, where Terry Jenner tried to make him more Shane Warne like and now he bowls like Shane Warne would if he had Polio.

Cook is a back foot player, one who takes half a step forward, who nudges off his hip alot and plays the pull shot well. Plus, you know, left handed.

Other than Michael Slater I can’t think of many players from the last generation less like Cook than Gooch.

In other news, South Africa batted today, I can tell because I woke up on the couch.

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Nov 16 2009
general balls

hussey and cook

I was struck yesterday by the fact that captaining a cricket side is less important than wicketkeeping, so I did something for TWC.

And I thought it was about time that someone got a little ranty on cricinfo about the king probot mike hussey.

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Aug 09 2009
ashes, poms

call yourself a nightwatchman?

This is how cricinfo described the Cook dismissal:

“29.1

Johnson to Anderson, 1 leg bye, fast and full, Anderson gets pad on it and gets a leg-bye

Odd that Anderson would take one there. Isn’t the nightwatchman supposed to protect the recognised batsman?

29.2

Johnson to Cook, no run, oh boy, this one stays a bit low, it’s right on line and Cook is fortunate that he got the bat down in time to get an inside edge on that

29.3

Johnson to Cook, no run, left alone outside off

29.4

Johnson to Cook, no run, clipped away to square leg

29.5

Johnson to Cook, no run, outside off, Cook can safely let this one go through to Haddin

29.6

Johnson to Cook, OUT, Cook is gone! Johnson gets another, fast and full, swinging away from Cook, who gets a thin edge through to Haddin. Wonderful bowling!

AN Cook c †Haddin b Johnson 30 (136m 84b 4×4 0×6) SR: 35.71

What a spell from Mitchell Johnson. He’s back, no question. And you have to wonder about the sense of using a nightwatchman if he’s not going to take the strike.”

My thoughts on nightwatchman are well known (any batsman who calls for one should be beaten with shoes) but surely if one is out there he should do his fucken job.

England didn’t need a nightwatchman, they needed Jesus, Elvis and Keith Miller to come in.

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Jul 11 2009
poms

why i love cricket

The one reason I was drawn to cricket above all other sports was the mental side of the game.

The on field tactics, the sledging, the all or nothing nature of batting, and the variations in the bowling.

I was much better at racquet sports, but cricket is like chess with a hardball and legspin.  No other sport could truly compare.

That brings me to today, in just less than 10 sessions 1000 runs were made for 15 wickets.

Quite clearly a pitch to bat on.

But then England go in and 2 wickets fall in 6 overs.

Amazing.

Alistair Cook is the important one.

His wicket was mental.

It was a straight ball, he missed it.

Referred pressure, defensive mentality, caught in two minds. All could have been the cause.

Cook is a very talented batsman, he has some technical flaws away from his body, but missing a straight ball on a pitch like this not something he would do without referred pressure.

He spent three days in the field, realised he was batting for time and not for runs, and played across the line to a straight ball.

It didn’t keep low, swing, seam or anything, he just missed it, and all of England moaned.

‘Tis a beautiful game.

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May 16 2009
poms

Alistair Cook makes me want to kill myself

It should be said that Alistair Cook has a lot of talent.

He makes runs, maybe not as many as he should, but he

It’s just that when I watch him bat I want to kill myself.

He puts me into a suicidal trancelike coma.

His forward prods makes me think of a gun to the skull.

The squidges through point make me want to slice my wrist in the proper straight down the vein way.

When he clips the ball through to the leg side I fantasise about drowning.

And when he hooks, I think of swallowing a nail bomb, and when he pulls i think of jumping off a roof naked onto a row of picket fences.

I know he is a proper test batsman, and that there is a certain grace to that, it’s just that he never plays shots I want to watch.

The only shot I think he could play that I like would be a defensive shot that ends up as a top edge into his throat, that would make me want to live.

I don’t dislike Cook, even his eyeliner doesn’t bother me, it’s just that watching him is dangerous to my health.

Cook bored me so much today I almost switched over to the IPL.

Which is a form of cricket suicide I spose.

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Mar 23 2009
poms

No one wants to captain England

So far no one has put their hand up to captain England in the 2020 world cup like thing.

2 players have said they wont.

KP because of the obvious recent history.

Collingwood because he did it for a year before, and has had enough.

So i hereby apply for the position.

I know it is a step down from blogging, but i really want some of this IPL cash, and i think my best chance is to play for a 2020 minnow on the world stage.

I am not English, so that must take me to the head of the queue.

With two players pulling out, Andrew Strauss being Andrew Strauss and Alistair Cook being unofficial i would suggest my only real threat is Robert Key.

There is little between us, so the only fair way to decide would be a pie eating contest.

If England regulary had pie eatcing contests to decide their captaincy, they would be a better team.

True story.


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Feb 11 2009
general balls

Cook hates monkeys

Alistair Cook is taking his job as unofficial vice captain seriously.

“If you don’t perform then you know what is going to happen,”

Alistair, is that get an extended run because you have amazing potential and know you probably wont be dropped because there is only one spare batsman, and like 3 batsman out of form?

“If it happens again, then things have to change. But those are three isolated incidents over three years, so it is not as though it is happening every week.”

Again, is this the first English collapse?

“We were just behind the eight ball after the first innings, with them having a lead of 70-odd, and I have never experienced that happening before,”

What haven’t you experienced before, being behind the eight ball, being 70 odd down, or the collapse? How long ago was that Galle test anyway?

“It is a monkey I would like to get rid of as soon as I can,”

What sort of an idiot wants to get rid of a monkey?

“There is no better feeling than scoring Test hundreds; if you could do it every day you would.”

How come he can remember scoring hundreds, but not remember Galle, they both happened in 2000 & 7.

“The one thing we must do is stay together as a side, you have to retain your self-belief as individual players”.

Stay together by being individuals.

“We cannot act too hastily. The players are ultimately responsible, we’ve got to take it on the chin,”

Jenna Jameson style.

Sid says:

how come he dint blame the IPL over this…….. !

Tell me this guy isn’t ready to captain his country.

Officially, or unofficially.



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