Tagged with ajantha mendis …

May 09 2011
23 Comments
general balls

What cricketer would you turn gay for, pick carefully

I put up a link to Ant Sims’ new blog about Chris Gayle on twitter and @mediagag said that he would totally turn gay for Chris Gayle.

I wouldn’t, but I get it.

So here is my guide for what players you should turn gay for depending on what kind of sex you’re looking for.

Brendan Nash – If you’re looking for a doting partner who will always cuddle with you, Nash is your man.  Will do everything he needs to do to make sure you are happy.  He’s not stylish or that sexy, but he’s a good bloke.  The second hand Volvo of Gay sex.

Shahid Afridi – rough sex in the back of a taxi, random encounters in parks and lewd relations in shady hotels, he offers it all.  If you’re looking for no commitment and short sharp burst, Afiridi is your man.  May leave you unsatisfied at times, but that’s part of the fun.  Is most probably a selfish top.

Peter Borren – do you like to feel intimidated by your partner?  Some men would need to tie you up and put ball gags in your mouth to make you feel subservient to them, with Borren, it’s just one look.  Ofcourse, not perfect for introducing to your parents, as he will scare them to death.

Sachin Tendulkar – Who doesn’t want to fuck the most famous man in cricket.  I can’t imagine that in life Sachin does anything badly, so that should mean that in bed he’s a cracker at the sexy sexing.  Bonus points for fucking a living God.

Doug Bollinger – Not everyone wants a thinking man, some want one who is all about actions.  Douggie is perfect for this.  If you can rate someone in bed by the way they dance, Douggie is hilarious in bed.  He’s a man’s man, he’ll try all day, he’s willing to fix his appearance and he’ll make you laugh.  Like a pet that is house trained that you can legally fuck.

Jesse Ryder – cricket’s most eligible bear.  If you’re a cub looking for a big strong man to place it in your gaps, Jesse has to be the man you want.

JP Duminy – Perhaps the opposite of a bear, he’s a twink.  Having still not completely come to terms with his game, so now is the perfect time to become his sugar daddy and take care of him.  Buy him a car, show him how to face the short ball and watch how he performs for you.

Salman Butt – fuck him.  Hard.

Ajantha Mendis – looking for something a little different, freaky, and mysterious.  Mendis’ fingers have it all.  Although, once you’ve worked out all his little tricks, you can always move on to Randiv or Herath.

And ladies, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, if you’re a lady looking to go gay, may I suggest…

Claire Taylor – Probably the biggest catch in world cricket if you’re a woman looking to turn.  She is perfect in every single situation.  You could claim that she isn’t the most stylish, but her results speak for themselves.  Taylor will think herself through every situation, which bodes well for the boudoir.

Mithali Raj – If you’re not as worried about performance, but just want the best looking woman on your arm as you enter the clubs, Mithali is that.  Her cover drive is so sexy that if the entire world watched it together it would create a tsunami of sex juice that would kill us all.  Probably more interested in looking good than being good, but that’s why you turned for her in the first place.

Personally, I turned gay for a pull shot from Matthew Elliott against Allan Donald, alas, the pull shot didn’t have any feelings for me.  So I decided I’d have to become straight.

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Aug 22 2010
9 Comments
general balls

I’m back, and I brought mystery fingers holding a sausage

Somehow I survived the rugged terrain of Sri Lanka.

There is heaps of cricket shit to tell you, but I need to sleep.

But this is by far my favourite ad of any I saw.

Not enough cricketers hold sausages.

And very few mystery spinners wrap their magical fingers around one.

Hopefully Mendis has started a trend.

Think what his fingers could do with that sausage.

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Aug 22 2010
6 Comments
player profiles

balls profile: Ajantha Mendis

No one has got more famous for inventing ball that pretty much goes straight. Before being worked out he was the most dangerous bowler in world cricket. Now he is Chris Harris, without the impressive hair. Bowls faster than most spin bowlers, and has never really mastered flight. Anyone who can control as many deliveries as he can should surely be able to adapt. If not, he should go to County cricket and be the first bowler to take One Million first class wickets. Is a second lieutenant in the Sri Lankan Army, in second life he sells sneakers to movie stars and on world of warcraft his avatar is a Tauren druid named Carrom.

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May 11 2010
7 Comments
world twenty20

Mendis suffers ultimate embarrassment

There was a time when a white batsman facing Ajantha Mendis would involve, a lot of nervous nudges, edgy singles and then an embarrassing bowled slash LBW as the batsman tried to break the shackles.

There was a time before that when the subbie batsmen and Windies batsmen were the same.

At one stage only the true prophet Sehwag could play him.

It was if all of life’s mysteries were wrapped up in the elegant fingers of Mendis and while the rest of us tried to think about a way to play him, the Lord just smited him.

Now it is all unraveling for Mendis.

According to Iain O’Brien his carom ball and wrong one are fairly easy to pick from the hand.

But that is not the worst bit.

The worst was when Cameron White failed to pick his wrong one. What should have happened was a couple of nervy deliveries later White played an ugly slog and Mendis picked up another easy wicket.

Instead the Big Bear got cave man on Mendis. He took 34 off 16 balls, and it was only a brilliantly madcap field placing by King Kumar, putting Dilshan directly behind the bowler, that slowed White down.

It wasn’t that White even seemed to be picking Mendis, it was that he didn’t care what Mendis bowled, he was just trusting his eye and hitting the ball a long way.

It was brutal and easy. After that one wrong one White never truly looked in trouble, but a few people in the crowd and the camera man certainly did.

Watching the Australian top order struggle against Randiv, a fairly faceless innocuous type spinner, Mendis would have been quite excited.  He probably thought he could cash in with a few wickets and start to restore his career a little.

Instead he was beaten up.  And by Australia, who seem to make the most simple spinner look good.  That must have embarrassed Mendis especially after the way Australia’s two best players of spin, Clarke and FFPM David Hussey, went out.

Since originally saying Mendis would be worked out, I have said that he either bowls like Chris Harris to batsmen who know him, or Jim Laker to those that don’t.

With the way Australia play regular spin of late; you’d say that they were going to be the last to work him out of those who have faced him. England still haven’t played against Mendis, but he might not be around long enough to ever play them if he keeps having days like he did against White.

Although even without mystery he might still confuse England.

With no real spin or flight, Mendis is less mystery and more a fading curiosity. Like Winona Ryder.

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Apr 02 2010
11 Comments
general balls

The Jesus XI

Happy Jesus on a stick day. A day that is all about honouring someone who died so that we can all be perverts and animals, but you can’t eat steak, in case some is made of him.

In honour of Jesus dying I’ve compiled an XI of players who died, and were then reborn, or you know, other Christian type shit. Jesus, as we all know, was a wicket keeper.

S Katich – Found himself in a cricket career cave due to some horrific test form, but then his God, Bob Simpson, helped him, and thankfully we now have Katich shuttling around the crease for days on end.

M Sinclair – Impossible as it is to enjoy the way he plays, Sinclair is the one cricketer most likely to survive Sodom and Gomorrah. When the Kiwis are having a selectorial apocalypse, it is Sinclair they turn to. He will always live with us.

I Bell – If Bell truly was the son of God, Christianity would have died out by now. Instead Bell seems ordained by some higher power, perhaps Murdoch, to play the number 3 position for England. He coveted it while he had to wait out Pestilence (Shah), War (Bopara) and Famine (Trott) but he found his way back to number three.

M Hussey – Has never left heavenly earth, but what exactly was he doing between the age of 12 and 30.

K Pietersen – An outcast with his old religion he became the father, son and holy bail of a new one. It still hasn’t been smooth sailing, but he no longer has to bowl off spin, so that is good.

K Akmal – Crucified on the pitch for one of the most heretical displays of wicket keeping ever written about. But he will be back, you can’t keep a Pakistani cricketer away for too long. Even if he comes back as a kolpak.

A Flintoff – as was written.

N Hauritz – Outbowled by M Clarke and then shunned by his country, his state, and his knew state. One day four wise men decided to pick him up from the gutter he found himself in, and bugger me if he hasn’t stayed around since then.

S Bond – Needed to go on a spiritual adventure to India so that one day he could come back to New Zealand and tell them he was available for white ball games and then continued his spiritual adventure in India.

A Mendis – The man is full of mystery, but once you work it out, it is all kind of simple and you don’t really care anymore.

A Nehra – From a world cup final to the great abyss, but thanks to Lalit K, Nehra has been brought back so that we can all pray at his long limbs and permanent angry face.

J Patel (12th) – Is so good at being 12th man I couldn’t see why he wouldn’t do it for Jesus.

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May 19 2009
kiwis, lankans

The New Chris Harris

The only thing mysterious about Chris Harris was the fact that International batsman didn’t put every one of his balls into the crowd, or beyond.

That is not true, it was also mysterious that he has looked the same age for roughly ten years, and that age is 53.

His doorknob seamers had the slightest amount of fade on them, but he bowled a great length, was straighter than a Kentucky preacher, and was a clever cricketer.

All that being said, had he bowled in today’s twenty20 world, he might have had to bring spare balls to the ground with him.

He may have ended up as a batsman, just to stop lawsuits of the injured people walking past the ground.

There is a reason I mention him, Ajantha Mendis bowls at a similar speed, moves the ball about as much, and when you have worked him out the only thing left is to work out what stand to put him in.

For those who can’t pick him he is still deadly.

But when you can he is simply the new Chris Harris.

Our lord of Sehwagology can’t pick him, but he doesn’t need to, he just launches him into orbit.

The street smart batsmen who can’t pick him play him off the pitch, and milk him.

Once they work him out though, he goes the distance, the maximum, they moose him, and other stupid things the IPL commentators say.

In two of Mendis’ games he has gone for 38 and 39 without wickets, both times the batsmen have seemed to work him out, and then just got rid of him.

They have reduced a magical mysterious spinner to a balding pasty kiwi.

If I were David Gower I would say that cricket is a great leveller, instead I will say that I talk about Mendis in my book.

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Aug 01 2008
Uncategorized

he made 200 runs and they undressed accordingly

It wasn’t that long ago that Sehwag was wandering the desert.

Unwanted by his people and most major sponsors.

He was cast aside for men with lusher hair and more athletic physiques.

Perth was his easter type cave.

Now he is Ballsier, harder, stronger, balder and better than ever before.

Like a peacock rubbed in Vaseline.

In his new god like form he is trying to make sure that when great Indian batsman are mentioned, VVS, Dravid and Ganguly have to line up behind the bald prophet for their props.

His latest miracle was 200 out of 330.

Making half the runs of your team is phenomenal.

But Sehwag didn’t even bother with that.

The little fella was one of 3 Indians to get beyond 7 runs.

Mendis continues his modern magic tricks, each more mysterious and evil than the last.

Sehwag uses brutal force to dispel the spells.

Like an angry fat man swatting away flies from a burger.

The man is on top of the mountain at the moment.

Every time Sehwag hits a four, an angel loses its virginity.

And let us hope that angels continue to be bad little girls for some time yet.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jul 22 2008
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Mendis to break the record of one of the greats

I am really looking forward to the upcoming test series between Sri Lanka and India.

And not just because I am sick and tired of looking at boring white cricketers.

I just can’t wait to see Ajantha Mendis beat Brian Lara’s record.

Brian Lara never took a wicket, in 131 tests, but I bet you money that Mendis will take at least one.

Then he shall be better than Brian Lara statistically, and in the eyes of the huddled unwashed masses.

Brian Lara was a fine cricketer, but did he ever invent a delivery, or did he ever bowl any mystery balls, no.

One word for that, soft.

Lara’s record is not that hard to get by, Darren Pattinson just did it, but Mendis will smash it, before he gets worked out.

In other news, Sachin Tendulakar is still playing test cricket.

Who knew.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jul 07 2008
Uncategorized

Spike Lee presents Paul Adams

In When We Were Kings Spike Lee talks about how kids these days don’t know anything about recent history.

I think he is right.

Paul Adams was the frog in a blender, or a midget, wearing a bunny suit, trying to fling its head at you with a shoulder jerk so savage that it could kill the average ostrich.

Everyone remembers that.

Not everyone remembers that batsman had all sorts of problems playing him when he first came on the scene.

At first it was just the action, batsman couldn’t work out where the hell the ball was coming from.

Then when they worked that out, they still had to deal with his wrong un, which no one could pick.

The Australians picked up that when he bowled his wrong un, he flighted it, and when he bowled his stock leggie, he darted it.

From there, almost everyone in world cricket worked him out.

In his first year of One day cricket he took 12 wickets @ 19 from 7 matches.

For the rest of his career he took 17 wickets @ 34 from 17 matches.

I personally believe Paul Adams was a good bowler, but once he was no longer a mystery South Africa got rid of him.

Oh and Paul Adams played 5 tests against India.

5 matches, 23 wickets @ 23 with a best of 6/55.

This record was in 96/97, before he was understood, which explains why he is the only wrist spinner of recent times with a really great record against India.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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Jul 07 2008
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Don’t get too excited

Turn the Video Camera off.

Uncuff your partner.

Pull your pants up.

Get the kids from the sitters.

It’s exciting, but it still may not be the future of cricket.

I’m talking about Ajantha Mendis, the man who took India apart like they were a birthday cake.

This will fall on deaf ears though, because I told people not to get too excited before, and people ignored me.

Yes last night was amazing.

Yes we have never seen anything quite like this young man.

And Yes, the best players of spin in the world just got dissected.

BUT, yet again in capitals for effect, he is a mystery spinner.

Mystery Spinners are unplayable when they first get on the scene.

Eventually they get worked out, then the only ones who stay around are the ones who are just good bowlers.

Last night was the first time India had faced him, and they went him, even though they had no idea what he was doing.

He won, they lost. Big time.

What happens when all of his deliveries are worked out, when he is no longer a freak show, well then he will need to just be a good bowler.

He may be, but don’t think in 3 years times he will be taking 6 wicket hauls in one day games.

Let’s just sit back, so far he has not played against sides more than a couple of times.

There has been no time to work him out.

His domestic record is extraordinary, but it was in the second division of Sri Lanka’s first class system, which would be the equivalent of grade cricket in Australia.

So far he is doing everything right, and he is exciting, sexy, and doesn’t look like he throws, so it’s all good.

Let’s just see if he still doing this sort of stuff in 7 years like Warne, Murali and Kumble did.

Ask John Gleeson or Jack Iverson what happened once people worked them out.

For every Murali and Clarrie Grimmet, there is a bucnh of guys with a card trick or three that get wickets, but they don up the future of the sport.

So let the kid bowl, stop making him out to be the messiah.

He’s not even the best spinner in his country yet.

I’ve watched the video, I’ve got the woody, the kid is amazing, but once he can be picked he won’t be anywhere near as unplayable as last night.

There is even a chance last night will be the highlight in his whole career.

6/13 in a final is a pretty good highlight.

So lets just soak up the fact a young kid gutted India, and hope he continues to bowl this well.

www.cricketwithballs.com… We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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