Tag Archives: adam gilchrist

The IPL has started

There was Lionel Ritchie singing with his microphone turned down. And other western acts.

Some drag queen dancing acts, except with the drag queens.

Bollywood stuff seemed to be happening as well.

Costumes that some people were comparing to klu klux klan on twitter.

Then Ravi yelled.

Andy Bichel did some commentary, he sounded like Danny Morrison on ketamine.

Lalit was missing most of the time, but in his place was a lady in a red dress, an obvious homage to the Matrix.

Brad Hodge looked pissed off.

Many snatch shots of the cheerleaders, none on super slow mo, maybe next year.

Angelo Mathews continues to not exist.

The Chargers song was remixed, still shit though.

Owais Shah had cut down his sleeves to show off the guns.

There were time outs, but they weren’t strategically named, but they were strategically used.

The IPL has ads between the balls, they are louder and less awkward than the Channel 9 versions.

ITV brought out Hoggard, Hick and some dude and some Indian chick for their coverage. Hoggy was ok, the rest were ordinary and only the Indian chick had done any research.

Gilly seemed to keep hitting the ball in the air and not getting caught.

I never thought I’d say this, but I wanted fake smiles from SRK.

Rohit Sharma continues to vie for Indian batsmen most likely to be assassinated.

The game fizzled out.

The Windies beat Zimbabwe.

Nap.

The IPL has started, not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with a carefully stage managed event that had shit western acts, lots of dancing, two teams making decent totals and Andy Bichel.

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Michael Slater digs ironic comedy

I once stated that Michael Slater might read this site.

Hopefully he does, because the dude needs a slap for his latest media comments.

What is he talking about you may say, what could get Jrod slapping Slater? Ponting’s captaincy, Andrew McDonald’s selection, Mike Hussey’s golden run, or practically any praise for Andrew Hilditch.

No, Slater has weighed in with some WAG words, saying that WAGs shouldn’t be allowed on tour for the first two test matches of the Ashes.

I know.

The man who once had to publicly state he did not father another player’s child is talking about WAGs.

You have got to be shitting me.

If I was Slater I would never mention the phrase ‘player’ or ‘wife’ again.

That is one thing to admire about Slater, the complete lack of thinking before speaking.

What Adam Gilchrist makes of all this is in poor taste.

But they wouldn’t be called poor taste Michael Slater jokes if it wasn’t.

WAGs are one of the most controversial topics in sport, but this could be easily remedied.

All sportsmen should be gelded.

Imagine how good Shoiab would be with out a penis?

It would also help with wind resistance.

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Everybody talkin’ bout Gilly

Not yet.

But they will.

You can already hear the foxsports reporters sharpening their pencils and and getting ready to talk about the magical Adam Gilchrist and his innings of mass destruction in the IPL.

There will be no talk of his dropped catch or missed byes.

They are no downers when we reflect on the glory days.

If Australia lose one game in the world twenty20 thingy there will be talk of how we should ask Gilly probably Hayden back into the side.

It won’t happen (because it is stupid), but just talking about it will keep the mouth breathers happy.

Gilchrists innings was amazing.

Nannes was taken apart, Sangwan was dismissed, Nehra was brought back to earth, and Sehwag was bent over and made to say ‘i do not believe in sehwagology’ as Gilly spanked that ass.

At one stage it looked like he was going to knock up a 30 ball hundred.

But he did drop a catch, and did miss some simple byes.

I may be the only Australian who will write that.

And if some young journalist with integrity tries to write it over at foxsports, the editor will take that line out quicker than you can say, “Scott Styris is a sex god”.

I love Gilly, but there is a reason he is retired, and a cameo, even one as sexy as this, shouldn’t change anything.

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Foxsport digs up the dead

All the current Australian players are complete shit. None of them are worth a turd in hell.  They might as well be dropped, castrated, and made to dance for coins.

True.

Luckily foxsports is on the case.

Like this time last year, the only way to fix the Australian team is by picking ex players who are performing in the IPL.

Last year it was Shane Warne and Adam Gilchrist, this year Matthew Hayden has been added to the list.

It seems that if the Australian team fails, the only way forward is back.

Look at all the runs Gilly is making, never mind his keeping.

Haydos is smashing the ball everywhere, forget his form in 2008.

And Shane Warne is still killing everyone, who cares that he doesn’t really want to come back.

Articles about how great these guys are doing in a semi domestic league are counter productive and tinged with bullshit.

Yes Hayden is making runs, but he has the weight of failing for Australia taken off his shoulders, he is facing 3rd and 4th string Indian bowlers in most of the attacks and it’s an Entertainment league

It has a scheduled ad break for fucks sake.

I am glad the old Australians are doing well, like I was that Ian Harvey was the player of the tournament in the ICL, and that Michael DiVenuto continues to kill in County cricket.

Not sure I want any of them to come back though.

This was the same tournament that Shane Watson dominated so much last year it could have been renamed in his honour.

Hayden, Gilchrist and Warne have all been warriors for Australia, but lets not compare the new breed to them, lets just let them play.

Let the dead be the dead.

We will remember them, no need to reanimate them.

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This is not the Fake IPL Player

For the latest developments in the Fake IPL Player Saga click here.

That is my disclaimer.

‘Cause if i wrote, ‘the IPL Fake player revealed’ that would get me in trouble.

So this is definitely not the fake IPL cricketer.

His name is Sanjib Sanyal and Ankit, of Paddlesweep.in, believes that if the Fake IPL Player has never lied, doubtful, this could be the man.

Look into his eyes, does he look fake


As the faker said in his last blog”Has it occurred to anyone that I might have described myself incorrectly to hide my identity?”

So it isn’t this guy. But keep your guesses coming in.

It also isn’t Brad Hodge, as there has not been one post where he has said, that Brad Hodge is a champion.

I sort of hope we never know who he is, so he can keep writing, and not be burnt alive by Gilly and SRK fans.

Whoever the fake IPl player is, I owe him a beer, he has doubled my hits.

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The Ultimate IPL Guide: Deccan Chargers

Former Beauty Queen

Porn Star: Adam Gilchrist

Always hard to look past Gilly. Will make one or two big scores, one or two cameos, and will fail the rest of the time.

Pole Dancer: Fidel Edwards

The most underrated bowler on the planet. Will bowl fast, will bowl straight, and will knock quite a few stumps down.

Boy Next door: Rohit Sharma

Has struggled for India of late, but will like playing without the excruciating pressure of playing for India. Can be explosive when he is let free.

Home Made/Amateur: Pragyan Ojha.

Delightful Indian spinner who’s been flirting with International cricket.

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kanye’s cricket biographies

Because of the draw today, my mind started to wander.

Here is a list of Kanye West songs and the Cricketers or hangers on they remind me of.

Gold Digger – Shane Bond

“I aint saying she a gold digger, but she aint messin with no broke niggaz”

Jesus Walks – Adam Gilchrist

“I aint here to argue about his facial features, or here to convert atheists into believers”

All falls down – Marcus Trescothick

“She’s so self conscious, she has no idea what’s she’s doin in college”

Touch the sky – Virender Sehwag

“Before the day I die, I’m gonna touch the sky”

My way home – Imran Khan

“Might not be such a bad idea if I never go home again”

Crack music – Sunil Gavaskar

“I throw a little sumtin simtin on the pulpit”

Roses – Damien Martyn

“can you sign some t shirts, bitch is ya smoking reefer”

Diamonds from Sierra Leone – Sachin Tendulkar

“Forever ever? Forever ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever?”

Hey mama – Channel 9 commentary team (except Richie)

“You’re like a book of poetry, Maya Angelou, Nicky Giovanni, turn one page and there’s my mommy”

Late – Me (to Bhaji and Haydos)

“Little girls please stop you’re crying”

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how i sees em

Some of you may notice I see cricket differently.

You guys see a leg spinner, I see an absurdist.

You see a test nation, I see an ex lover.

You see Shaun Pollock play cricket, I pretend he never played.

You see Jacques Kallis, I see a dud root.

So when I look at international batsmen this is what I see.

Michael Clarke – a teenage boy who is eagerly trying to please his mates hot mum. The more Cleavage she gives, the more excited he gets.

Sanath Jayasuriya – slices the ball like some Genghis Khan wannabe.

Virender Sehwag – bats like a dude who will fu©k anything. Doesn’t matter if he hits or misses, just likes to get laid a lot.

Adam Gilchrist – swings the bat like a junkie swatting away imaginary monkeys.

Kumar Sangakarra – has the presence of Lee Marvin whilst holding a bat, and almost as funny as Lee whilst using the gloves.

Matty Hayden – bats like a 14 year old kid beating the sh1t out of a 10 year old kid.

Graeme Smith – tries to bat like a 14 year old kid beating the sh1t out of a 10 year old kid.

Kevin Pietersen – is a lot like Robbie Williams, wishes he could make it big in America, must learn to be content with the fact he gets laid a lot regardless of America.

Michael Hussey – is a robot sent from the future to destroy us.

Jacques Kallis – has the rare ability to suck the fun out of cricket to such a degree, you wonder how hard it would be to use a sniper rifle.

Shahid Afridi – bats like an ice addict who has just gunned down two cops and knows they’re gonna find him soon.

Runako Morton – is something of a Howard Hughes batsman.

Sachin Tendulkar – bats like a kid with a bat 4 times too heavy, 3 times too long, and yet has found a way to use it.

Shivnarine Chandrepaul – stands at the crease like a kid from Chernobyl, bats like a kid from Harvard Law school.

Stephen Fleming – always seems to have a good book in the change room.

Michael Vaughn – Used to be a batsmen.

Ian Bell – is a carpenter with all the tools, and very little knowledge of when and where to use them.

Ross Taylor – is like a really hot chick, who knows she is really hot, and therefore not that hot.

Chris Gayle – a drunken Canadian woodchopper.

Mohammad Ashraful – is William Shatner in Star Trek, flashes of brilliance, but it will be a long time before he gets to Boston Legal.

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Sri Lanka Triumphs For Living Legends

The dead rubber between Australia and Sri Lanka at the MCG has inspired me to return to the ‘Cricket With Balls’ blogging crease once again.

Adam Gilchrist’s never ending national retirement tour hogged the headlines with his final appearance at the hallowed MCG. Gilchrist didn’t fail to let down his legion of fans with a typical commanding display, which should have been match winning. He may have put aside team goals in pursuit of an Australian record for the fastest century? You be the judge?

The wicket of Hopes with the score at 107 triggered a spectacular, quite unbelievable collapse resulting in the lose of 5 wickets for 8 runs as the Sri Lankans rallied for two living legends of their own in Sanath Jayasuriya and Murali. The Aussies never recovered despite the determined effort of the lastest Allan Border medallist, Brett Lee. Murali bowled an inspired second spell following an earlier pasting from Gilchrist.

Clearly the highlight of the game came in the 49th over when Jayasuriya was thrown the ball for his first over of the innings, with Australia needing 14. Jayasuriya delivered one of his trademark darts, a little shorter than usual, that crashed into Lee’s stumps to deliver Sri Lanka with a shock come from behind win and crown his final visit to these shores. A mighty cricketing moment indeed.

Earlier, in great scenes of sportsmanship and respect, both sides formed guards of honor for each of the above mentioned players when they came out to bat. Jayasuriya and Murali have been pivotal in shaping the success of Sri Lankan cricket from minnow status to forces in both forms of the game with the obvious career highlight being the 1996 World Cup victory. Both players have changed the game forever with their individual styles of play and have raised the bar of performance to another level.

As for Gilly and the forgetten Brad Hogg, they will have another chance to leave the game on a high with the One Day series finals beginning on Sunday. Hopefully, they can both contribute to Australia going one better than they did tonight, against the Indians

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the push for nice bryce

Now that others have joined the Bryce McGain campaign, it is really gathering momentum.

As alot of you can see (limp David Hussey petition), my word doesn’t seem to do much.

But I am like Lenin, that russian dude, my words inspire others to reach out and take back what they deserve.

So if I’m Lenin, then that makes SK Warne Stalin, as he has publicly stated that CWB’s Nice Bryce McGain is ready for international cricket. (Moses thanks for the link).

To that Bryce says “I was born ready”.

If Warne says it, it happens, except for anything not related to cricket.

In the same article Gilly and Kerry O’Keefe jump on the Bryce bandwagon (that i designed).

Also while perusing the internet on snippets on the great man, whilst often being redirected to my own site, I found out that Bryce now has a Wikipedia entry.

So with Stalin (Warne), Lenin (me), Jesus (Gilly), Buddha (k’ok) and God (Wikipedia) on his side, how can he lose?

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