One that only some slick suited cricket administracrat could have come up with.

I blame James Sutherland, but I blame James Sutherland for most things.

The filthy fucken phrase is Stakeholder (sometimes shareholder).

Just typing it makes me feel like i just fisted a banker.

It refers to you and me, players, administracrats, officials, and anyone who likes cricket from what i can tell.

But it shouldn’t, because it is fucken stupid.

Stakeholder, for those lucky enough to not know, means people with an interest in the game, in general it is a financial term, but thanks to the suits it has seeped its way into sports.

I am not a cricket stakeholder, I am a cricket fan, a cricket writer, a cricket blogger, a cricket sado-masochist.

So when Aaron Redmond, assisted by Neil Broom, was outed for getting drunk before a game then giving money away to Indians living on the street, he apologised to everyone for his actions.

Instead of saying I am sorry to the NZC, the blackcaps, and i don’t know, children who wear his number on their back, he just said stakeholders.

“We also wish to apologise to other stakeholders in the game including the fans for our inappropriate behaviour while on tour,”

And from that moment on it was pretty fucken obvious he hadn’t written the apology, rendering it invalid.

When you are contractually obliged to apologise, it doesn’t mean much, but then using a wanky phrase that has been written by someone else, what is the point.

Bloody James Sutherland.

Townsville to Sydney. The red dust. Then to Hong Kong, probably somewhere after that, and then to Johannesburg. And next week he’s in India for the Champions League.

A strange couple of weeks for Aaron Redmond, but then his whole career has been pretty different.

It’s in the blood. Father Rodney famously scored a century and fifty on debut, only to never play another test. To make matters worse, he was dropped in favour of John Parker, masquerading as an opener too.

No wonder he soon shipped himself off to Perth, and this was where Aaron grew up.

But, out of the blue, at the end of 1999 NZ Cricket gave him a contract and brought him back to play for Canterbury and the Southern Conference team (remember them?) as a free scoring middle-order batsman and, more importantly, a leg-spinner. This was before he had even played a first class game.

New Zealand had a bit of a fixation with acquiring a leg-spinner at the time; his arrival came in between the Brooke Walker and Greg Loveridge eras.

He fitted into Christchurch well, and used to entertain new boys in his Lancaster Park Woolston club side by sneaking up behind them and placing a part of his body on their shoulder. If there’s one part of the country where that is perfectly acceptable behaviour.

Problem was that he wasn’t getting any runs and had lost confidence with his bowling. The first class games were drying up so he decided to move south to Otago. And while he was about it he thought he’d try his luck as an opener, and give up the risky shots while he was about it. After all, it had worked for Mark Richardson.

It took a while, but he finally got some consistency to his game, with an opener’s temperament to match. And it was probably more on the back of this temperament, and Bell’s loss of form, that got him picked for the 2008 tour of England. After all, a 1st class batting average of around 30 does not normally do the trick.

He scored runs at will in the county games, but struggled in the tests. And the struggles were slow ones too. 54 runs in 6 innings, off 180 balls.

He did get 79 in Bangladesh, but it was off 237 balls and , really, it was Bangladesh. He had lost confidence in where to score runs at this level and were it not for the fact that Jamie How was going no better at the other end would probably have been dropped for Australia.

He was roughed up and the rumour mill, and Martin Crowe, was that Adelaide had to be his last test. So the other Redmond took over; the Redmond that took the attack to the bowlers, the Redmond that hit Hauritz for 16 off his first over, and he was NZ’s top scorer in the match.

It was too late though; he was dropped for the West Indian visit that followed, his successor scored a century, and is seemed that his test career was over. And a test career with a bowling average of 20; something that Vettori could only dream of.

So Redmond went back to provincial cricket. He had obviously enjoyed himself in Adelaide so totally redefined the way he batted, except that he was still an opener.

Accordingly, most of his success was in T20 cricket. He was the biggest contributor to Otago’s dominance in that competition. They were clearly the best team and he was clearly their best batsman as they earned their meal ticket to the Champions League windfall. Warren McSkimming and Matthew Harvie have a lot to thank him for.

So a job well done then; off to England to play some pub cricket. While down the road New Zealand were playing in the T20 World Cup, and Jesse Ryder was getting rushed to hospital.

Why not send a text to Vettori? “I am in England and available if needed”.

A couple of days he was in Nottingham and scoring 63 off 30 balls for New Zealand. Brilliant.

He was still on the outer for the next few months, and was last week in Townsville preparing for the Champions League. Then Ryder got injured, presumably a text message was sent, and the Round the World challenge commenced.

He didn’t quite make it for the England game, but given the lack of success of the Gareth Hopkins as a Specialist Batsman experiment he has to get a run in the semi-final this weekend.

So another change of role, and in so doing loses his unique status of the only player to have a short version and long version cap without the one in the middle.

Watch this space, because none of it will be predictable. Apart from the Air Miles.

I know what you are thinking, “what sort of superstar cricketer would have to come onto the list for someone of Redmond’s abounding class to be dropped?”

A 34 year old part time bowler.

Shocking.

I think I speak for all fans of world cricket when I say we want Aaron Redmond, but we can take or leave Shane Bond.

What has he ever done?

Taken some wickets against Australian, annoyed Lalit Modi, and broken down more than Shane Watson starring in Running man.

And now he is back from the Vladivostok cricket abyss that was the ICL.

I ‘spose that is ok, I like Bond, but why did it have to come at the expense of Aaron.

Also contracted by NZC, Walter Hadlee & Danny Morrison.

The rest of the ICL players were ignored.

When asked why players of the ilk of McMillan, Vincent and Harris were left out, Justin Vaughan said, “who?”

Roy goes home.

Dirk goes home.

Sehwag goes home.

And now Jesse has an infected groin.

Tell me there isn’t at least one player on this list you love to watch.

Someone who makes you want to tell that special someone that you have a headache just to watch them play.

Look who has replaced them.

Cameron White, Fresh Air, Dinesh Kartik and Aaron Redmond.

Come on.

Give us something.

I like Cam, and I think Dinish looked in sparkling for in the IPL, but look at the names we are missing.

Seems like someone is pissing on this tournament.

I mean Aaron Redmond.

Give me a break.

I fell asleep once thinking of him batting.

But fair is fair, he made 83 last test, surely that earns you something.

A biscuit, if nothing else.

But NZC is all out of biscuits.

And Redmond is shit out of luck.

Instead the kiwi’s have given the keys to Tim McIntosh whose first class career batting average of 34 will be sending shock waves through all international bolwing line ups.

He doesn’t even bowl leg spin.

What a joke.

Moles, or someone with a hand up his ass, is pulling all kinds of levers at the moment.

Flynn to 3, Chris Martin fucked off, Mark Gillespie returns from anger management, and James Franklin comes in as a specialist number 9.

My question is how can a team with no top class quick bowlers get rid of Chris Martin.

Sure he looks dodgy, but he is a quality bowler.

Don’t give me the whole he doesn’t take a lot of wickets angle, who in New Zealand does.

Surely having a bowler of his quality out of the side does nothing except give you a false sense of your own depth.

As for Redmond, sure he was shit, but maybe he was just coming good, the New Zealand cricket equivalent of Alan Dale.

I still feel his career should be given an in depth and emotional retrospection.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit.

Alright.

Shit.

Shit.

Not too shabby.

Farewell soldier, we hardly knew you.

Sorry if we miss spelt your name from time to time.

cricketwithballs

Bowling average of 15 in test cricket.

cricketwithballs

And he top scored yesterday.

How has a lot of talent, usually a good temperament, and a defensive technique you could build a hospital on.

Ryder has a great eye, uncomplicated footwork, an dthe potential to be a top test batsman/drunkard.

Taylor is their best batsman talent wise, and could be a future superstar if he plays straight.

Peter Fulton is no superstar, but there is no reason he couldn’t set himself up in the Paul Collingwood or Michael Hussey mode, cutting out all the risks, and average at least 40 at test level.

And little Daniel Flynn with all that toughness, and not a lot of shots can be a bastard to get out.

The one who isn’t good enough is Redmund, but on the flat pitch, he made the most out of what he had.

He defended when he had to, he attacked when he could, and eventually he just went beyond his skill level.

So what about the others?

How chased a wide one, Ryder had a loss of concentration, and Fulton never looked like his mind was right.

Flynn and Taylor were worked over by clever bowlers.

There is a top 6 there, but you need 500 in the first innings a Radelaide, unless you are England, and unless something magical happens, they are going to come up short.

cricketwithballs

He was like a young boy who had climbed too far up a tree.

Once he was up there, he had no idea what to do.

So instead of slowly retracing his steps, and working his way down, he sat there for ages, and then jumped.

He assumed from that distance he could make it.

He was wrong.

The dude broke his leg.

All this is more horrible because of who the bowler was.

Redmond looks out of his depth in test cricket.

He can’t rotate the strike, so he stays ons strike, and lets bowlers work over his flabby technique.

But at Radelaide, even the dodgiest batsman can look good, and make runs.

And a test hundred is a test hundred, especially against Australia.

You could see Redmund’s pain after he went down, he was in the upchuck position for a few seconds.

There is a chance he will never make a test hundred now, and being caught on the short boundary off a club spinner, is seriously fucked up.

We all know what it feels like to get the hot easy one to the back of your car, start the eager groping, get the knickers off, touch all the naughty bits, only to then do something that turns that person off so much you end up in the upchuck position, alone, miserable, and wondering how it all went wrong.

Poor bastard.

cricketwithballs