Keegan Meth is perhaps the greatest name I’ve heard in a week, maybe longer.
And then this happened.
Yes, that is is tooth, where is the superslowmo camera and crappy classical music when you need it.
cricket with balls
just another bullshit cricket blog
Filed under Zimbabweans …
Eddo Brandes’ pads
I still can’t believe that no one has bought Eddo’s pads.
I’m disappointed in you all, and myself.
Ray Price Wins
I’ve seen not one ball of the incredibly important series of One Day Internationals that Zimbabwe, Sri Lanka and India played in.
All I know is that India kept losing, Sri Lanka lost a few times, and Zimbabwe won.
And by Zimbabwe, you know I mean RAY PRICE WINS.
When Ray Price wins, the whole world wins.
Middle aged men who have spent their whole life paying the bills, ageing poorly, growing ear hair, crushing the dreams of the young and clogging up the establishment now have an angry psycho spinner to be proud of.
Price is the answer to middle age crisis the world over.
He should be sent from golf course to Rotarian club to suburban BBQs to whatever else guys who look like him do.
Price could change the whole world.
So many people have to work for middle aged men who use their power to ruin your life, but with Ray as their inspiration they would be liberated.
Some would start releasing middle aged folk rock albums.
Others would start using back packs.
Millions will be freed.
I am even sure some would take up slow left orthodox in honour of the great man.
If Ray Price can beat the might of India and the coolness of Sri Lanka, what can’t middle aged men do?
For years middle aged men have been holding society back with their sensible hair cuts and mid range sedans.
Thanks to Ray Price that will all change.
Nay sayers will point out that it wasn’t Sri Lanka and India that Ray beat, just second stringers who wore their shirts.
Others may even try and point out that Ray didn’t have a great series or that the tournament final has not been played.
Don’t listen to them middle aged men, Ray is here to save you, and if he can win a cricket tournament for Zimbabwe, just think what he can do for you.
We believe in Ray Price.
So should you.
the world t20 team report card
Afghanistan – Turned up with a bowling unit that most Minnows would be proud of, but their bowlers also ended up being their batting.
They were very loud, but showed real aptitude, but were kicked out of the library after being caught urinating on the technique books.
Australia – Finally selected a T20 team and got a test player to captain it. Took the gamble on 3 front line bowlers and it worked until their batsmen bottled it in the final.
Bullied their way around the schoolyard, and everyone sucked up to them. Next time they should stay focused until the end of the day.
Bangladesh – Tried hard at times but never had the firepower to scare Australia or Pakistan.
Truancy is a problem, if Tamim isn’t around the rest of the boys lose confidence. Perhaps they were promoted too quickly and could do well if they were to repeat this grade a few times.
England – Was the best performed and coached side in the entire tournament, Wright at six was a gamble, but their middle order stuck around and they deserved to win.
Polite, courteous, well mannered and simply a delight to teach. About time too, before this they were a disorganized bore that should have been spanked daily.
India – Arrived with a hangover, played like they were in a coma, picked the wrong side and then performed like their entire family had been killed by drunk drivers.
Spank them, send them to bed without their dinner, cut all extra curricular activities and make sure you give them a curfew.
Ireland – Showed yet again that they are a plucky yet largely untalented bunch. Bowling display against England was a masterclass in bowling slow seam.
Since Eoin has moved classes the Irish boys have looked slightly stupid, it might be time for remedial studies, again.
New Zealand – At times it felt like they were in the tournament, but that they also weren’t. They beat 2 of the Semi finalists, but not in the semi finals.
A very eager student who would do extra work than required, it was just that their best work was only just a pass.
Pakistan – Were shocking, brilliant and wonderfully insane, just like Pakistan should be. Need a captain, not an excitable poodle.
Were truant at the start of the semester, then came in late doing lots of work to try catch up. They almost passed but it wouldn’t be fair to students who turned up all the time, like M Hussey.
South Africa – had one of the bowlers of the tournament in Charl Langeveldt, and almost no one else. Picked the wrong team, stayed with the wrong teamand then failed to actually chase Pakistan’s total.
These boys are clearly too old for schooling, and didn’t look interested either. Perhaps getting them into the workforce would benefit them.
Sri Lanka – Surfed the wave of Mahela all the way to the finals, but outside of him and some isolated performances they were pretty ordinary.
Had one mature age student who was of no use, a cool student who didn’t seem interested and some experimental student who produced very little. Very disappointed in them.
West Indies – Teams who host these tournaments are usually useless, the West Indies proved that rule.
The entire class sit around waiting for Chris Gayle to do the work, and he can’t always be bothered. Andre Fletcher needs private tuition or home schooling.
Zimbabwe – Had a great array of spinners and almost entirely nothing else. Played good honest cricket, but are missing several components.
They seemed to be driven by fear of being spanked by their parents, but are generally a very poor academic group. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but Ray Price is surely too old to be at school, and I think I saw him beat up the Lunch Lady.
The World T20 thingy (chapter 4)
Sri Lanka
In a startling case of Sri Lanka imitating South Africa, Sri Lanka have also come into this tournament with several of their players in shocking form. Unless they were all playing shit in the IPL as a silent protest.
Can they win?
Kumar looks flat, Jayawardene has lost some zest, Dilshan lost all form, Mendis only good against less pigmented sides and Murali reaching twilight mean that this is not a great T20 side at present. That said they have more T20 match winners than pretty much any other side. Malinga and Mathews only need one or two others to match them and Sri Lanka come flying back in. Can’t see it right now.
Players to watch or not
Angelo Mathews first proved that he did not exist during the last word T20, this time he might prove that not only does he not exist, but that he doesn’t exist even in theory.
Watching Mendis bowling to people who have worked him out one day, and those who haven’t on other days should be a highlight.
West Indies
The West Indies side is always looking cobbled together, but the cobbled together side went all the way to the semi finals last time before falling to a Sri Lankan who doesn’t exist. Brendan Nash has not been selected for this squad.
Can they win?
Roach, Taylor, Benn, Miller, Pollard, and Bravo with the ball. Gayle, Pollard, Bravo, and Deonarine with the bat. I likey. It could all fall apart in a screaming heap, but I’d like my name to be on that heap and say that the team who recently lost to Zimbabwe could win the whole thing. It will take a massive effort from Gayle and Bravo, massiver than massive, even, but I think this squad has every thing it needs, and Gayle’s knock in the world T20 semi last year convinces me he takes this shit seriously.
Players to watch or not
Nikita Miller is the West Indian Nathan Hauritz. Take that as good or bad depending on your preferences.
Kieron Pollard will likely still be angry from Mumbai hiding him at 8 in the IPL final. I wouldn’t want to be a cricket ball that was bowled to him.
Zimbabwe
Remember them? They’re back. A whole bunch of blokes who were good in the late 90s are there with them as well. And Ray Price, who first played for Zimbabwe in the 1890s, is their star.
Can they win a game?
They’re taking on Sri Lanka and New Zealand. If Pakistan or Australia were there, they’d be a better chance. But taking on two teams who don’t lose to minnows much as they know what it is like to be one. I’d say they won’t, but they are probably the best minnow in this tournament.
Players to watch or not
Elton Chigumbura is one of their few batsmen who can really send the ball a long way, and I see him as the sort of batsmen who enjoys doing just that.
Graeme Cremer is my leg spinner to watch, he doesn’t spin the ball a great deal, but I enjoy his wrong one.
Kemar Roach cracks wood
Due to time zones and sky programming, I’ve been watching the Zimbabwe tour of the Windies instead of the Australian tour of New Zealand.
This explains the Ray Price love.
Until tonight Zimbabwe have been kicking ass, but they still don’t like facing Kemar Roach.
This is probably not the best ad for Grey-Nicolls.
Cheers to ducking beamers for this.
The hustling Ray Price
I suspect I am not the only person who has noticed that finger spinners are taking over the world.
Daniel Vettori has annex New Zealand. Shakib Al-Hasan is turning himself into a minnow Keith Miller. Graeme Swann was struggling to fill the dodgy back bar of dodgy pubs 2 years ago, now he can fill stadiums. Paul Harris is perhaps the freakiest freak ever, and he takes wickets. Nathan Hauritz is Nathan Hauritz, and no one can take that away from him. And now even the ICC is being handed to a rubbish offspinner.
This is a plague of finger spin.
I’ve never truly trusted finger spinners as a breed. It seems to be the skill everyone thinks they can do, even without any real talent. I can’t see why anyone would choose finger spin knowing that wrist spin exists.
But, finger spin has its use.
It may bring us Harris and Hauritz, but there are no other cricket skills that someone like Ray Price could excel at.
And cricket needs its Ray Prices.
If the game was too sterile to have a middle-aged maniac who bowls little more than Darren Lehmann doorknobs, but with more natural aggression than Shaun Tait, then I want none of it. .
Price has that special gift that makes what he does look so easy that you could do the same. It is easy to say, “If I wasn’t some lazy fat bastard with three children and two ex wives I could be bowling rubbish off spin and taking wickets.”
Maybe in your heart you’d know it wasn’t true, but Ray’s genius seems genuinely within your grasp, if only you could get off the couch.
There is something in him, some weird burning passion, some mental disturbance, some chemical imbalance, that means he strangles a cricket game until he gets out of it everything he wants.
Rubbish off spinners aren’t supposed to sledge when they are bowling, they aren’t supposed to mock opposition batsmen or get in their face. They are supposed to go about their job in the least assuming way there is. No strutting, no cockiness, no posturing, no words. Just get through their overs as quick as their hairless bodies will allow while trying not to fuck up the match for the real bowlers.
Not Price.
He is a spitting angry barbarian with the ball in his hand; even if the balls come out like fairy floss. It is almost like no one has told him he bowls off spin.
And Price isn’t some young buck pissing vinegar; according to cricinfo he is 33. I wouldn’t want to doubt Price’s age, but his face has that lived in aesthetic, as if a tiny family of 12 have been there since he was 5.
When you put this altogether you have the angry sweary minnow grandfather of offspin bowling.
One day, when he is too old to be the world’s second best ODI bowler, I hope he just travels the world visiting local cricket nets and hustling young whipper snappers out of their hard earned by saying, “I’ll give you 5 to 1 that you can’t hit me back over my head”.
Ray Price is more entertaining than John Travolta
There is no doubt that for most of us watching a great cricket game brings on similar feelings to that of a confused teenage girl reading Twilight.
Even if that game is a T20. If it has great performances, changes of momentum and a close finish most of us will enjoy it.
This makes the T20 match between Australia and New Zealand the sort of match that gets ratings up.
The ICC will probably think this is the perfect match of cricket. They probably have a scientist trying to clone it.
High scoring match, heaps of highlights, a tied finish and a super over. Shaun Tait even gave them a few extra days in the news.
I’m not saying this isn’t a great game. Australia is flying at the moment, and for the Kiwis to score that many runs against them, and then steal the game in the super duper over, wow.
But I saw another game.
It had a team that started by losing 3 wickets before scoring a run, and then scratched their way to the pathetic score of 105 thanks to an over of such ineptitude that if Rampaul was a Pakistani he would be in jail by now.
Then the opposition chasing the low total facing 18 overs of moderately talented spin and falling over 20 runs short of the pathetic total.
It was pathetic on almost every level. Beautifully pathetic.
Other than the brilliant pantomime performance from world number two ODI bowler Ray Price and some amazing bowling from Sulieman Benn, the entertainment value did not come through purposeful actions.
It was horrible cricket. Really horrible.
The Battlefield Earth of cricket matches, so bad that even though it is a sunday afternoon and you are cooking dinner you end up putting everything on hold to watch every craptacular detail.
There was a piece of cricket late in the game so good that Wisden should dedicate 7 books to it.
Masakadza was bowling to Ramdin, it was a nothing ball that started the last over. Ramdin smacked it straight to long on, and instead of being caught, it was dropped behind the fielder and even though there was plenty of time for two runs, Rampaul barely completed one run. The next ball Masakadza missed the pitch.
Neither team really deserved to be wearing matching uniforms.
Now you might think that a game that was dominated by average spinners, crazy spinners, idiotic batting and occasional pathetic fielding is not an entertaining game of cricket. Perhaps it isn’t, but I am a sick man.
I’m very glad I saw this game and not that worried that I missed the kiwis super over triumph.
Who needs close finishes and talent when you have Zimbabwe’s Ray Price acting like a bare knuckle boxer when some shell shocked Windian batsman can’t flick away his door knob deliveries.
No one. That is who.
