Filed under world twenty20

The ballad of Rohit Sharma

Like most people, my first look at Rohit Sharma was in the IPL.

He looked good.

Other than a tendency to play across the line a bit too much, like Ross Taylor, there is much to like about him.

He has timing, balance, class and power.

Sharma also has the ability to annoy.  Like Ian Bell, Jacob Oram and a young Shane Watson, he is the player fans love to hate.

In true Ian Bell style it is exactly because he is so talented that people hate him.  Even though he is only 23, he has already burnt through more Indian fans than most 30 year old cricketers would have.

This is by starting his innings looking really good, and then fucking up with a stupid shot.

The thing with Sharma is always the stupid shot.  He isn’t the first talented player to regularly go out to stupid shots.  In the 90s Carl Hooper and Mark Waugh would spend hours trying to out class each other, and then play a shot so stupid that you could barely believe it came from them.

But the difference is that these guys also made big runs, helped their sides win important games and had long careers.

Sharma has turned up on the scene with so much talent it drips off him until he is standing in a puddle, and so many stupid shots he looks like he is auditioning to be Keith Arthurton.

Before I became a wheezing lung in the online cricket community, I might never have known many Indians hated Rohit.  Back in the analogue days I got all my information on Indian cricketers from Melbourne’s taxi drivers.  They seemed to hate everyone except for Sachin.

Now I am inundated with Sharma hate.  In the comments here, on other blogs, on twitter and in friend’s facebook updates.

Most of this hate comes not from his occasionally brilliant, yet often frustrating performances for Deccan.  It seems to come from the fact he plays so well for Deccan, and so badly for India.

In 42 ODIs Sharma has managed to average 25 with a strike rate of 72.  That wasn’t a good record in 1988, it sure isn’t these days.

Indians remember records like that.  They also remember all those stupid shots.

Yet against the Aussies, where Gautham looked worried, Raina looked overawed, Vijay looked confused and Yuvraj looked hungry, it was Sharma who stood up.

He had some luck; he didn’t have to face as much of the raw sexual energy of Dirty Dirk in his pomp, or Tait’s stuff.  By the time he came in they were finishing up and he could start the resistance.

In the end he was the resistance.  With no other Indian batsman looking like they deserved to be clothed in their country’s shirt, he stood tall and did his dandiest to get India close and not play one of those stupid shots he is so fond of.

There was a sort of lone wolf feel to the innings, like the guy in the kung fu film who ends up fighting 12 people on his own and taking down about 8 before he is eventually stopped and taken to the bad guy’s headquarters.

While Sharma’s one day record is on the poor side of shithouse, his International T20 career is shaping up nicely.

For the short term he will remain the punch line of many Indian fans’ jokes, but at 23 he might just hang around long enough to laugh last.  Although I personally hope he keeps a few stupid shots in his repertoire, as they make my job easier.

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South Africa invades Afghanistan

Most people like seeing minnows play well.  That seems to be even more true for Afghanistan, because they’ve been through some shit, and I don’t mean having to watch Paul Collingwood bat on the last day.

So when Afghanistan bowled well against South Africa it was a great thing.  Their leggie was exceptional, their quick was actually quick, and they did well to keep South Africa down below par.

Then they batted.

Now South Africa are well known for a bit of minnow crushing.  While other sides get complacent or feel bad for beating a developing nation, South Africa take pride in stamping the life out of them.

Against Bangladesh, South Africa put on big jack boots and stomp the toygers into the kitchen floor until there is nothing but a puddle of blood, flesh, fur and bones.

Compared to how they beat Afghanistan, their stomping of bangladesh seemed rather cuddly.

Coming out onto the ground in a good mood, Afghanistan had no idea the horror that was about to be unleashed on them.

Finding the bluntest saw they could find, South Africa started by cutting off each toe, finger, nipple, and testicle one after the other. Placing them all in front of Afghanistan.

They then cutting off one arm and both legs.

Occasionally they sprayed them with sulphuric acid or just burnt them with cigarette butts.

That took too long, so they they took a blow torch and went about burning different sections of skin, until the body of Afghanistan was either bleeding from being sawed, or burnt.

South Africa then left the room, leaving an opened door and let the bleeding and burnt Afghanistan to edge towards the door being dragged by their one arm, only for South Africa to come back in, close the door, pick Afghanistan up chuck it in a bath full of Dermestid beetles while South Africa sat listening to Phil Collins and drinking a glass of red wine.

It turned out that the beetles don’t eat live flesh so instead of finishing of Afghanistan they just wandered around,  but South Africa didn’t notice and had already left to watchold episodes of Herman’s Head.

The ICC sent in a clean up team. A week later.

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T20 needs a bit of rain/gremlins

There are very few occasions in cricket that rain is good.

If your team is losing is one. If the game is already heading towards a tedious draw is another.

Generally rain is no good at all for cricket.

But T20 is different.

Think of T20 like a gremlin, not an actual gremlin but the gremlins from the 1984 film “Gremlins“.

In that film the little creatures start off as tiny cute little Mogwai. They are largely inoffensive and children love them.

But there are rules of keeping a Mogwai;

Don’t feed him after midnight.
This one makes no sense, how does the Mogwai know what timezone he is in, and more importantly, isn’t it always after midnight whether it is 1 minute past midnight, or 23 hours and 59 minutes.

Don’t expose him to bright lights.
So he is a nocturnal animal, but he can’t eat after midnight…

Don’t let water touch him.
Apparently his own saliva and the water that is included in most foods is ok.

The thing about T20 is that rain should ruin it, but like the Mogwai, all it does is turn this inoffensive cuddly toy into a merchant of death.

My single favourite thing about T20 cricket right now is how crazy it all gets when the rain comes down.

It shortens the game, ensuring we don’t have to live with all those boring “middle overs”.

It means one team has a massive chip on its shoulder, and generally increases their performance.

It makes the game closer.

It makes the whole contest farcical and manic.

Andre Fletcher’s batting was reminiscent of many of those Gremlins when they first get their freedom.

Scotland used the Gremlins last year when Iain O’Brien got his notes mixed up and gave Scotland the perfect start in a Gremlin affected 7/7 match.

Even yesterday, when the rain ended the game early, Andy Flower was pissed off at the Gremlin’s making Ireland’s job easier.

It is a shame Lalit is probably not around anymore, he is one person who could probably bring rain into the IPL, although the IPL has its own monsters.

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Scott Styris – the sleazy old man of T20

Scott Styris plays his cricket in much the same way the guy who is 15 years older than the majority of a crowd of some suburban beer and pick up joint on a Saturday. He may not still be that good looking, fashionable or even know what the girls are into, but he knows how to be successful.

It isn’t pretty. He has to stay around really late, late for the drunk one whose friends have left and then needs to use every skill he has ever accumulated to get the girl. Even then he needs luck and the lights to be down low.

You also know that Styris gave up the love of a good and dependable wife to chase these vacuous young women around. He is chasing riches and young flesh, this takes time and preparation, it isn’t something you can do when you have a big commitment to something older that ties up your time for a large part of the year.

Watching Styris play against Zimbabwe was some sort of perverse thrill for me. I’ve always been a fan of watching these sorts of old men operate. Once Styris got his hands against the easy prey of the Zimbabwe middle and late order it was a gloriously sleazy encounter as Scott was all over them like a cheap polyester suit.You could smell the musky cologne and brylcreem on him. I never saw it, but I assume he had a gold tooth or a tooth pick in his mouth.

Stryis was dancing to Livin’ la Vida Loca, trapping girls in the corner of the bar and buying drinks like no one’s business.

Zimbabwe weren’t the first and regardless of his age they won’t be the last.

I’ve thought many times that Stryis’s career is over, but I’m always wrong. When you can continue to perform well beyond your use by date and you give up any real pride you can go on achieving moderate success for a long time.

All he needs now is a toupee.

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The World T20 thingy so far

Few of you will know this, but when this blog first started the first world T20 thingy also started.

It was more a wacky coincidence than a grand design, but my early posts were on Ashraful, Gayle and Ahktar leaving the tournament.

In the world of cricket with balls, this tournament, that will be soon played bi-monthly, is accidentally important.

That is why there was a preview to this tournament.

It doesn’t explain why there hasn’t been any posts since then.

I’ve seen a few games of the tournament.

I was impressed by how nice the New Zealand guys are for thinking about losing to the out of form Sri Lanka, until Nathan McCullum used his throbbing biceps (some say he is made up of 74% bicep) to smash away Malinga a couple of times.

Ireland bowled well and showed what a truly inspirational fighting team they are, then they batted.

Saturday I was off playing cricket (you can read all about my top score in England and six over cover but it is long), but I am sure this tournament went on.

Yesterday Raina made South Africa’s batting line up look soggy, but they still almost got home.

Then Watson and Hussey proved that in this format of cricket Michael Clarke is as useless as a size 7 and size 4 slipper combination.

I think that is all I remember.

There hasn’t been anything to make me that angry, although the logo is not for me.

But I haven’t felt embraced by the warm bosom of this tourament like I have before.

Perhaps it could be that no minnow has won.  England made me instantly interested in the last tournament, and bangladesh the one before that.

Also the first match of the first tournament had Chris Gayle carve South Africa into little pieces.

Maybe I should give this one time, the opening game was an ugly yet close contest, Raina’s hundred with Jayawardene and Watson’s scores have been good knocks.

But right now, it just hasn’t grabbed me.

It is probably the lack of minnow wins in general. Surely at least one needs to happen for us

Perhaps because less than a year ago I was at the Oval watching Dilshan smash the West Indies everywhere and a man my sub-conscious refers to as Angelo Mathews taking a few first over wickets.

Or it could be as simple as that the tournament is only 3 days in.

But at the moment, World T2os were better in my day.

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The World T20 Thingy (Chapter 5)

Now that the teams are all miss represented in the earlier posts, let me talk about the pitches.

It seems that the best way to describe them is slow (Barbados), slower  (St Lucia)and slowest (Guyana).

Now that bother some people, but having seen the carnage these awkward pitches gave for Zimbabwe and the West Indies I can’t wait to see more of it.

I’m hopeing the top team score for the tournament is 137, and that defending 120 becomes a cake walk.

I can think of nothing better than Paul Collingwood becoming unplayable and Michael clarke bowling his maximum alloted overs. India have clearly made a tactical error by not picking Virat Kohli.

Australia and South Africa have come in with attacks that rely heavily on fast bowling, so that should be interesting.

Of the three best IPL bowlers, two aren’t playing here, in Ojha and Bollinger, if Shaun Tait continues his IPL form, Bollinger’s omission will be painful. And Ojha’s omission hurts as I have just started stalking him and his wonderful flight on twitter.

Now that Zimbabwe have beaten Australia and the world’s best T20 side in their warm ups, they surely need to be warm favourites for the tournament.

Won’t it make the World T20 all worthwhile if Ray Price is bowling the last over to Kieron Pollard in the final.

Then Ray Price could do the talk show circuit, release a single, and sign up for a naked photo shoot.

Although his fame would be short lived, as I think there is a World T20 thingy scheduled for 6 weeks time.

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The World T20 thingy (chapter 4)

Sri Lanka

In a startling case of Sri Lanka imitating South Africa, Sri Lanka have also come into this tournament with several of their players in shocking form. Unless they were all playing shit in the IPL as a silent protest.

Can they win?

Kumar looks flat, Jayawardene has lost some zest, Dilshan lost all form, Mendis only good against less pigmented sides and Murali reaching twilight mean that this is not a great T20 side at present. That said they have more T20 match winners than pretty much any other side. Malinga and Mathews only need one or two others to match them and Sri Lanka come flying back in. Can’t see it right now.

Players to watch or not

Angelo Mathews first proved that he did not exist during the last word T20, this time he might prove that not only does he not exist, but that he doesn’t exist even in theory.

Watching Mendis bowling to people who have worked him out one day, and those who haven’t on other days should be a highlight.

West Indies

The West Indies side is always looking cobbled together, but the cobbled together side went all the way to the semi finals last time before falling to a Sri Lankan who doesn’t exist. Brendan Nash has not been selected for this squad.

Can they win?

Roach, Taylor, Benn, Miller, Pollard, and Bravo with the ball. Gayle, Pollard, Bravo, and Deonarine with the bat. I likey. It could all fall apart in a screaming heap, but I’d like my name to be on that heap and say that the team who recently lost to Zimbabwe could win the whole thing. It will take a massive effort from Gayle and Bravo, massiver than massive, even, but I think this squad has every thing it needs, and Gayle’s knock in the world T20 semi last year convinces me he takes this shit seriously.

Players to watch or not

Nikita Miller is the West Indian Nathan Hauritz. Take that as good or bad depending on your preferences.

Kieron Pollard will likely still be angry from Mumbai hiding him at 8 in the IPL final. I wouldn’t want to be a cricket ball that was bowled to him.

Zimbabwe

Remember them? They’re back. A whole bunch of blokes who were good in the late 90s are there with them as well. And Ray Price, who first played for Zimbabwe in the 1890s, is their star.

Can they win a game?

They’re taking on Sri Lanka and New Zealand. If Pakistan or Australia were there, they’d be a better chance. But taking on two teams who don’t lose to minnows much as they know what it is like to be one. I’d say they won’t, but they are probably the best minnow in this tournament.

Players to watch or not

Elton Chigumbura is one of their few batsmen who can really send the ball a long way, and I see him as the sort of batsmen who enjoys doing just that.

Graeme Cremer is my leg spinner to watch, he doesn’t spin the ball a great deal, but I enjoy his wrong one.

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The World T20 thingy (chapter 3)

New Zealand

Every world tournament means one thing, ignoring New Zealand’s chances of winning the tournament.

Can New Zealand make the semi finals?

It is their rightful place in world tournaments, so I can only hope so. A team with Dictator Dan, Prince Brendon, Ross Taylor, Jesse Ryder and Shane Bond should do some damage along the way. Dan thinks they can win, and I’ve never had much luck arguing with people in beards.

Players to watch or not

Jesse is back. So is Aaron Redmond.

It should also be mentioned that Rob Nichol has been picked, and from the pic on cricinfo he looks like he is trying to out “metal” Ryan Sidebottom. I’ve never seen him play, or rock out.

Pakistan

They won this tournament 15 minutes ago. Since then the PCB has had some of the greatest hissy fits ever. I am now not even sure if they have 20 players to choose from. Shahid is captain. Nothing can go wrong there.

Can they go back to back?

This is Pakistan, so any real assumption of how they will go should be ignored due to the fact that no one really knows what they will do, least of all them. But I can’t see them winning this time. Shahid is their inspiration, but he does his best as a free spirit roaming the field of play, not as the man you look up to for steely eyed guidance.

Players to watch for or not

Abdul Razzaq is playing so you can marvel at this amazing specimen; he will be the first 50 year old cricketer to play back to back World T20s.

Umar Akmal should be good for youthful aggression and all the hijinks that come from it.

South Africa

This is an international tournament, so they are massive underdogs already. This time they come in with their key T20 weapon as Jacques Kallis. Wow.

Can they win?

Would have to fix a few key problems like the injury to Smith, and the form of Gibbs, Duminy, and Ab DeVilliers. In some ways Bangladesh look like they have a better batting line up when form is mentioned. They still have Morne and Steyn, but hard to see how they could win the tournament coming in with this limping side and that huge ICC sanctioned monkey resting on their shoulders.

Players to watch or not

Juan Theron sounds like he should be staging a coup in Chile. Bowls slow, but good slow, like Chaminda Vaas, except right handed, and less cute.

Loots Bosman was brought into international cricket for the headlines, “England find out who the Bosman is”. Alastair Cook is not a fan.

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The World T20 thingy (chapter 2)

England

Since losing to the West Indies the English team has become the hardest working team in world cricket. That isn’t a great thing, but somehow this team of largely average cricketers gets wins. Andy Flower must have remote control electrodes on their genitals, or, you know, something like that.

Can they win?

In order for England to win absolutely everything must go right. Kieswetter must become some sort of batting God, England will need to find a bowler who just shuts down an end at all times, and every single player will have to play at maximum ability at all times. Of all the teams with a chance of winning England has the least amount of proven match winners, so I can’t see them winning it.

Players to watch or not

Kieswetter can hit a cricket ball. But he has been hitting a cricket ball a lot on County Cricket’s run highway at Taunton, and against pretty ordinary attacks, what can he do in the big league.

James Tredwell’s bowling action is a homage to the sight of a 65-year-old man pushing a trolley through a super market at 2pm.

India

Gary Kirsten said the last IPL made his boys all tired, and then MS Dhoni took over a squash court to show he loved Sehwag. I think that is what happened. This year they bring Vinay Kumar.

Can they win?

All their players have been playing T20 non-stop for weeks, they have a captain who knows how the game works. Their side is probably only missing one proper quick like quick, but everything else is in their favour. However, if they were tired last time, they should be this time as well. They should win, but I wouldn’t be betting on them.

Players to watch or not

Yousuf Pathan played the most mocked innings ever thanks to Shane Warne’s over the top praise. But I like the boy, although not nearly as much as they boy likes himself.

When it comes to grump faces no one does it better than Praveen Kumar. I also want him to get smashed just so I can see his angry face, although he usually has an angry face when he takes a wicket as well.

Ireland

Looking at any Irish team on paper will cause you to ignore them. But the Irish have spirit. To be sure (I apologise). This is one of those largely useless looking squads but perhaps it is that thinking that leads to teams continually losing to them.

Can they win a game?

England and the West Indies are their opposition. The West Indies recently lost to Zimbabwe, and Eoin Morgan might throw the match. I can’t see Ireland getting close winning either game.

Players to watch or not

Kevin O’Brien is scary ginger, a little chubby and has a brother who is a better cricketer. All of this deep psychological anger comes out when he hits the ball.

If Boyd Rankin were not a cricketer he would be the side of a mountain.

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The World T20 thingy (chapter 1)

The world T20 is here.

While some people see this tournament as a lazy encore to the IPL, I see it as short. And when it comes to short cricket, I like my tournament short too. This one gets going within the week so I will be previewing the tournament in similar short fashion over the next few days.

Afghanistan

Obviously Afghanistan’s reason for swift promotion is because people were sick and tired of Australia being the alphabetically number one side in world cricket. Afghanistan had better enjoy this tournament as no one knows what will happen when John Howard takes over the ICC, but it doesn’t scream good news for them.

Can they win a game?

They’ve found themselves with the heavy weights of the tournament from India and the heavy weights in general of South Africa. The South African team usually grind minnows down into a fine dust, but they are out of form. And as we know India are always tired after IPL seasons. Afghanistan will won’t win a game, but at the change of innings in one game they will doing ok, before a spectacular failure in the second innings.

Players to watch or not

All of them, because most of us have no idea who they are, and we all want to find a minnow player to love and hold.

Australia

Australia finally took T20 seriously when they picked Dirk Nannes. Unfortunately at the same time they picked a captain who so far has been amazingly rubbish at the format. Their overseas T20 record is Ed Wood bad.

Can they win the tournament?

Or any games at all. If the Barbados or St Lucia pitches have pace in them then Australia has the line up that can scare the skirt of people. If not, they have a whole heap unsubtle fast bowlers and are will need Watson, Warner and White to all have the tournaments of their lives. Yes they can win, but they need some luck.Yet again they find themselves in the group of death, but this is more friendly than the last group od feath, this is more the group of gentle slapping.

Players to watch or not

Daniel Christian will do something in this tournament. He is like a more loose limbed way more insane version of James Hopes. He could set the record for most runs in an over or take a double hat trick.

Michael Clarke has a career T20I strike rate of 108, when he is batting, watch Breaking Bad.

Bangladesh

The best thing about being Bangladesh in this tournament is that the chances of them losing to another minnow relies on them beating Australia or Pakistan. Pretty unlikely.

Can they make the second stage?

Australia and Pakistan are not the two worst teams to play in the first round of this tournament. Australia seem to have an allergy to this tournament, Pakistan have the ability to lose to anyone. Whether Bangladesh are as good as Zimbabwe might be the question. I’d say Australia will crush them with fast bowlers and one good performance by Gul or Afridi will be the difference.

Players to watch or not

If Tamim Iqbal plays, currently under an injury cloud, you must watch him. He bats like a little rubber ball flying around a small concrete room.

Watching their seam bowlers work is always fun, make it into a drinking game and down a drink every time you see a ball you could hit for four.

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