This year it was at Lord’s, which you may have heard of.  This meant I got to play at Lord’s on the Nursery ground (you can’t have everything) with several members of the English Women’s Cricket team.

My team was captained by Claire Taylor, yes Claire fucken TAYLOR, best batsman in the world Claire Taylor.

She also kept wickets, I stood next to her at slip.  It was just me and Clare Taylor in the cordon at Lord’s.  For all of 3 balls.

Then I bowled to Danielle Hazell as Claire Taylor kept and shouted encouragement to me, I think, she had a mouth guard on.  She could have been saying anything. Probably “pitch it up, idiot”.

Later on Claire Taylor and I talked tactics, batting order and how I should bowl.

Ofcourse the day wasn’t all great.  Danielle Hazell did hit me over the training nets.  Although she hit someone else further.  Later on I was hit for six by another English women’s player, I forget who, which is a shame because I then got her out.

Legspin wise I did pull a few down.  But I’m a club spinner playing at Lord’s, I am supposed to pull a few down.

My other wicket was that of Rob Hawk, from Hawk bats, which might have ruined my sponsorship deal with him.

There were other highlights.  Lawrence Booth flailing wildly with his eyes closed trying to imitate Wes Durston and somehow hitting a six of Simon Briggs.  Andrew Miller playing and missing at five balls straight of a last over before finishing off with a six.  And Rosalie Birch’s batting, which was pretty good for a retiree.  Rosalie works for chance to shine, and I think she would agree, that playing with me was her chance to shine.

My favourite moment had to be when I burnt Anya Shrubsole when running between wickets with her.  She made a diamond duck, but it was her fault.  These professional cricketers just don’t back up.  I can’t see how it could be my fault for hitting the ball straight to Cricket With Balls’ Holly Colvin and taking off.  Anya was a good sport about it, she only spent the next 2 hours telling everyone I had run her out.  Some people can’t face up to the truth.

I made up for it in the next over when I edged a ball of Jenny Gunn for the winning runs of the tournament.  Although had a stuffed up the chase I would have questioned Jenny Gunn’s action in true aussie style.

It was a good day, but this photo of Andrew Miller and John Stern making sweet cricket love was really wrong.

This post was written by Jarrod Kimber, who recently hit the winning runs in a final at Lord’s.

WI vs. BAN

West Indies have dirty scabby strikebreakers playing for them, and if that isn’t bad enough the one I really wanted to see. Kraigg Brathwaite, isn’t fucking playing.

The scabs are pretty much a West Indies 3rd XI, and they are slightly ahead of Bangladesh, who have to win this game to prove they aren’t’ the genital wart of the cricket world.

PAK vs. SRI

Having lost the last game in a dramatically flamboyant style, Pakistan decided to keep that going and collapse on the first day of the next test as well. 90 runs on the first day of a test match. Special.

Sri Lanka are now looking good for a 2 zip result, and being that their bowling line up looks like decidedly nameless, that is a top effort.

ENG vs. AUS WOMEN

The Australian women were 5/28, and I was ready to go around and punch them all, then they were 6/257 and I was quite happy.

England are now 5/120 with a lot to do, but have a 60 run partnership going. A women’s test is a special thing, as they are lucky to play one a year.

NED vs. CAN

Netherlands are playing Canada as well, in what I assume is called the Dirty Dirk Davison cup. Had I known about this series I would have sponsored it. Although if I did, I would have spent months trying to work out what to call it.

The Cricket With Balls Trans-Atlantic shit fight, perhaps…

Settle down sunshine, here is my guess.

Nether team will win, instead a giant squid will attack Lord’s killing everyone, especially the children and smurf dancers.

If that doesn’t happen I am torn.

Once Australia and India looked rubbish i thought Sri Lanka would win.

But…

I expected them to play the probotic children of the mechanic revolution (South Africa), and thusly win easily with their wizards and demons.

Now they are playing Pakistan, who has 5 bowlers I would trust more than Sri Lanka’s Junk bowlers (Sorry, Lego Hair Udana and Angelo), and I am unsure.

Sri Lanka still has the freakish team, but so does Pakistan, and they look more in form.

So i will go out on a limb and choose my third differernt winner of the tournament, Pakistan.

Shahid Afridi is almost as sexy as Natalie Portman at the moment, and he made me use this sentence on twiiter recently, “Afridi saluting the crowd is the moment I am more sexually attracted to a man than i feel comfortable with.”

Pakistan for me.

If Sri Lanka win I will go back to my original (read second) choice that the Lankans can win.

And for the women’s, I will remain loyal to my original (really) thoughts that the Kiwi side will win.

Unless England and CWB’s own Hilly Colvin win, and they I support Holly.

Would it fuck with your mind if i said he may not even be the worst Australian captain at the moment.

Karen Rolton played such an important part in Australia’s loss today it is hard overlook it.

Her field placings were, wait for it, Pontingesque.

She seemed to lose faith in some bowlers after one over.

Her complete lack of imagination or will to make drastic changes took Australia to an amazing loss.

Sure Claire Taylor helped, her innings in partnership with Beth Morgan was super mega good, but it would have nice to have seen her tested once or twice.

The poms were taking twos at will, yet Australia never moved in any closer from the boundary.

They scored off every ball that didn’t go to the bowler or to the keeper.

And Beth Morgan had one get out shot, the lap sweep, which see played about 9 times, mostly for boundaries, expect for the odd miss  and the one she hit into her jaw.

Yet Rolton never put the fine leg back, or put her finer where the ball kept going.

She just looked lost and confused, and she made me give women’s cricket the ultimate compliment.

I got so angry I forgot it was a women’s match and that I shouldn’t have cared, and upon completion I was so fucken pissed off I yelled ‘useless bitches’.

Had it been the men’s side who had preformed such a mind fuckingly poor effort in the field I would have called them fucken useless pricks.

So the women’s game is definitely gaining importance in my anger and care factor.

McKenzie’s 2008 was so good he was dropped 2 tests into 2009, and his 2008 yielded 3 hundreds in 14 tests.

And James Anderson averaged 29 in tests, and 74 in one dayers.

Surely CWB’s Holly Colvin would have been the better option than either of these two muppets.

Boucher also made it, um, that is cool, not sure why he is there. Averaged 27 against England and 33 over all, made one hundred for the year against Bangladesh. If he was picked because Sclyd Berry likes him I can respect that.

And ofcourse the token county player, also a South African, Dale Benkenstein, who had a cracking year.

While it is great that Wisden finally recognised women’s cricket, it’s just a shame Claire had to share the honour with lesser cricketers.

Ofcourse the whole system is a bit of a joke, if I was Claire I would refuse to be involved at all.

Not just any woman, either, but England’s Claire Taylor. You probably have heard of her, as she was player of the tournament in the recent World Cup. This, on the other hand, is recognition of her stellar performances with the bat last year.

There will be people who criticise this decision and who see it as yet another change wrought by new Wisden editor Scyld Berry where none was needed. These people are very wrong. 2008 was hardly a vintage year for cricket. The others honoured are James Anderson, Dale Blenkenstein, Mark Boucher and Neil McKenzie, which to my mind makes two awards for longevity, one for leading your side to a title and one for being the only man in the world more superstitious than me. On performance alone, Taylor deserves to be there.

If the men had won the World Cup – either version – it would be front page news, lead item on every bulletin and, like after the 2005 Ashes, honours and sponsorship deals all round.

That same year, England’s women won their version of the Ashes, too. It made some early evening news bulletins and that was it. They’d waited almost 20 years longer than the men to regain them and what happened? Captain Claire Connor got a medal and they were graciously permitted to share a bus around town behind the men’s one. Everyone and everything else was ignored.

I just know that the same will happen again – only without the bus ride. So much for sex equality.

He must be crying into his full english breakfast.

Not so, while bryce has had a weekend worse than the time my foreskin got caught in a zipper, Cricket With Balls’ Own Holly Colvin hit the winning runs in the world cup.

Ying, Yang, and all that stupid shit.

I didn’t pick Holly thinking she would save me from McGain Pain, but she has.

She single-handedly won the world cup for England.

She bowled the most overs in the tournament.

Took 9 wickets at 18.

Had an economy rate of 2.65.

And then hit the winning runs.

But that is all bullshit, what she did was bring presence.

Presence doesn’t transcend into stats.

It is intangible, like turgid yogalates.

But she was the banker for the English team, they knew she wasn’t going to go for many, they knew other teams would have to go around her, like Daniel Vettori, only in a good team.

So while the pain of bryce’s mind fuck performance is there, Holly has evened my emotions out.

First the NZ men are painfully outclassed by India.

Then Australia decide not to show up for the final test against the Saffers.

Finally, England Women wreck the Silver Ferns’ hopes of World Cup victory. New Zealand showed classic signs over overconfidence, bouyed no doubt by their record thrashing of Pakistan in the previous match and collapsed to 166 all out, without using up their 50 overs and losing 4 wickets to a bowler – Nicky Shaw – who had only come into the side at the last minute when Jenny Gunn failed a fitness test. Notwithstanding that 166 was something of a recovery from 101-7, it was still a pretty poor showing on what looked like a good batting track.

England, on the other hand, batted sensibly and would have won far more comfortably but for a mid order collapse brought about by good tactics (Lydia Greenaway), nerves (Beth Morgan’s comical runout) and umpiring howlers (captain Charlotte Edwards). A margin of 4 wickets barely reflected how comfortable the victory was.

Oh, and Cricket With Balls’ Very Own Holly Colvin hit the winning run. I missed the bit where she dedicated her success to Jrod, but I am sure that she did the decent thing…

She has a eyesore of an action.

It does appear like the most blatant chuck ever from behind.

From front on it looks a little more legal.

On the side you tend to think chuck again.

When Gunn played for Western Australia this year she was reported for throwing.

According to the Cricket Australia analysis, none of her deliveries were under the 15% rule.

Gunn appealed it, the hearing was due for after the world cup.

Then during the world cup she was reported again.

This game was not televised, so the footage of another world cup game was shown to the man that originally cleared her action, and he decided she was still within 15%.

He didn’t test her action in a machine like Cricket Australia did, he watched her play on TV, and decided she was fine.

Apparently that is enough.

Very soon Jenny Gunn will play in the world cup final.

Say what you want about the ICC, but they fuck up with more consistently than most.