Filed under umpires …

Oct 04 2010
3 Comments
aussies, indians, umpires

Billy Bowden and KRUD

Billy Bowden is perhaps the most amazing umpire in cricket history.  With little umpiring skill at all he has managed to make it to the pinnacle of cricket with stupid gestures and nerd chic.

If umpires were under the same scrutiny from selectors as cricketers are, he probably would find himself umpiring cricket games in Queenstown during the winter.

Instead he is propelled into the test arena to ensure that we all have someone to laugh at.  Like, Pauley Shore.  The problem is, the laughs stopped about 10 tests in, and now what you have is cricket’s own bio-dome being replayed endlessly.

Even when Billy is in form, he never looks that confident. Today was not a day of form.

On a day when India and Australia put on a gourmet day of cricket, Billy took a shit on the buffet.

First was the Michael Clarke dismissal, or not.  A simple caught at midwicket turned into a soap opera as Billy couldn’t decide if it was a no ball or not.

Then one of two scenarios played out:

Enter the KRUD (Katich Review of Umpiring Decisions).  The newest innovation by the ICC to steam line the UDRS system.  With Katich in place, no umpire ever needs to feel uncertain again as Katich can tell them what they need to know.  Even if – upon watching the replay many times – it appears that he is not watching the crease.  When signalling a KRUD you should choke yourself in the direction of the 3rd umpire.

Billy saw what he thought was a no ball, but then got caught up in the game and suddenly realised he hadn’t called it.

Neither scenario shows him in good light.

Later on Billy decided to intervene again when Ishant Sharma appealed for a leg before and Billy seemed to be deciding if it was out or not, but then called it a no ball several long seconds later.  When the ball was bowled, there is no audible call.

Now, this seems simple enough, it is either a no ball, and therefore needs no deciding, or it is not a no ball, and you can give your decision.

As it turned out the ball pitched a fraction outside leg stump, not that Billy ever made a decision about that.

That one got worse when Billy’s no ball decision was just wrong.  Late, wrong and nervy, just what we want from an umpire.

Somewhere in there he made an excellent decision for a caught behind, but people knew he was just building the drama for later on.  No one took it serious.  “Oh, that Billy, what a jokester”.

The final act was just for Indian fans, a personal message of gratitude.  It was a tough one, and against the flow of no balls, a surprise ending, but giving Gotham City Gambhir out for dragging a ball from well wide of off stump back onto his pads was just about perfect.

It was the perfect end to his day.

And, hopefully his career.

Tagged , , , ,
Jan 13 2010
aussies, general balls, indians, kiwis, lankans, poms, umpires, windies

Great Cricketers You Love To Hate

History can tell you many things. It can tell you that someone was a truly great player (I hope I don’t need to give examples). It can tell you that they completely wasted their talents (Vinod Kambli, for example). It can tell you that they punched well above their perceived weight (David Steele) and that they were perhaps not as good as you thought they were (Stephen Fleming, arguably).

What they don’t tell you is why some people simply dislike certain players, for no apparent reason.

Obviously, such assessments are, by and large, only valid once a player has retired and a small amount of time has passed. After all, everyone needs a chance to prove themselves – as Marvan Attapattu would testify.

So, with one exception to that rule, here are my least favourite five:

5. Ramnaresh Sarwan

It’s not anything that Sarwan has done to me personally. It’s not even what he has done on the pitch. But there is something about him which just screams ‘Humourless, self-centred, prick’. The stories of him spending charity dinners on the phone chatting to his mates don’t help, of course, but the biggest injustice is that Sir Viv’s career was blighted by haemorrhoids and Sarwan’s hasn’t been.

4. Raymond Illingworth

Where do I begin? Being a momumental egomaniac? Never admitting to ever having got anything wrong, ever? Ripping into David Gower for a brilliant runout because he might have given away an overthrow? Claiming to have been bowled off a plantain in the pitch? Or being the worst England Chairman of Selectors ever – no mean achievement in a field which also includes Peter May, Alec Bedser and Ted Dexter? It doesn’t really matter, the man was the epitome of ‘unloveable’.

3. Terry Alderman

Not because of his systematic torturing of English batsmen during the 1980s. Not because he once injured himself tackling a streaker. And not because he looked like a stormtrooper in that stupid white helmet. Simply because he was such a monumental arse, he was the only player to refuse me an autograph at Eden Park in 1982. Hell, Gary Troup even signed my scorecard right next to where I had recorded his dismissal. Even the freaking umpires were giving autographs. But the Great Terry Alderman thought it was all beneath him and strode off the pitch, shaking his head at every request. Cunt.

2. Michael Atherton

Why everyone thinks that Atherton was some sort of cricketing genius is beyond me. As a captain, he lacked inspiration and insight. He had no clue how to use a spinner, completely shafted Mike Smith on his one Test appearance and was among the first to have his head drop when things went against England. Yes, he was a great batsman, but that doesn’t tell the whole story. Just read Steve James’ description of Atherton’s duplicity when they walked out to open in his first Test to see what I mean. Adding this together means that whilst some lauded the Atherton autobiography as a standout example of the genre, I read it as 200+ pages of someone shouting ‘LOOK AT ME, I AM AN ENORMOUS COCK’

1. Tillekeratne Dilshan

The winner by a country mile, for one very obvious thing. If you are a budding international cricketer, and if you want to change your name, don’t change it to that of your national captain, you enormous fucking suckup. It doesn’t matter what you have done or will do in your career, Dilshan, in my book you will always be the bloke who chugged a metaphorical nine incher to further your career. Need I explain further?

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,
Sep 27 2009
aussies, general balls, umpires

Zombie Cricket

There’s always been something vaguely irksome about umpire Steve Davis. Until today I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. Then, during the India v Pakistan game, it all became clear to me.

Steve Davis is a zombie. OK, he’s a rather well-fed zombie, but a zombie nonetheless.

Watch him, the next time the cameras close in on him. Have you ever seen anyone look more vertically dead? The lack of movement. The deathly pallor. The almost closed eyes. The fact that every time he makes a signal, you expect his arm to fall off.

The undead have long stalked the corridors of cricket – Lalit Modi, Alec Bedser, Richie Benaud, Bob Willis – but it is years since we saw one on the pitch. No wonder you only ever see Davis in day/night games…

Tagged , , ,
Sep 13 2009
general balls, poms, umpires

So Farewell Then: John Holder

It’s not often that the Balls has something nice to say about umpires, but we can’t let the impending retirement of John Holder go unmarked.

For one thing, he’s the man who invented the bowl-out, the only downside to which is that it often takes place behind closed doors. Believe me, there’s no finer sight than a fast bowler running in off their full run and repeatedly failing to hit an unguarded set of stumps, whilst a batsman who only turns his arm over in charity games hits two out of two.

Another reason is that umpiring in England is, to borrow a phrase, hideously white. Holder’s retirement means that only his namesake Vanburn remains as evidence that there is no colour bar for English officials.

The main reason for mourning Holder’s departure is that, simply, he’s a very good umpire. Good enough to stand in 11 tests and 19 ODIs. Good enough to be featured in many of the televised domestic games. And good enough that, despite increases in television scrutiny, you very rarely hear him accused of making a mistake.

There may be sound reasons for having a retirement age of 65 for umpires, but losing an official so obviously capable as Holder is a sad and unwarranted consequence of it.

Tagged , ,
Mar 18 2009
umpires

Steve fights back

Considering all the bad press and blogging Steve Bucknor has got from India, this is a pretty tame repsonse.

He could have said.

“Fuck em, fuck em hard, i fuken fucked them up big time. They can kiss my balls. They can whinge and dance about all their bullshit, but to be honest i couldn’t have given a flying fuck about them, their money or their agenda. Fuck them all to hell.”

But he didn’t, instead.

“When you speak to a captain and he’s not happy you are reported. If his [national] association is strong enough they may believe that they should take action. Oh, this umpire shouldn’t be within the system because the captain is seeing something wrong,”

Seems a little limp, doesn’t it.

I suggest Steve puts all comments through my office from now on.

I can be his Toby Ziegler.

Tagged ,
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 9,049 other followers