Here is Chirag’s entry the in the book competition.
Because it makes Cricket – and following cricket – fun
But cricket cannot, repeat CANNOT, be fun
Fun is a 3 letter word
Like “ICL”
cricket with balls
just another bullshit cricket blog
Filed under the year of the balls …
Ben hearts CWB
Ben tries to piss off Rugby League fans and win one of three signed copies of my book with this effort, can you do better, email us at cwb@cricketwithballs.com, with your 200 words or less on how cricket with balls is ruining cricket.
G’day kiddies! Your intrepid bloggers, Kiki + Sassy, are here with the latest on the cricket. We are quite breathless (well not literally, because we are calmly sitting down typing this, duh) that our Uncle JRod, who we hearted Big time when we were in London on one of our junkets, has just killed Modi and become Supreme Commander of World Cricket, and now busy bringing in a whole bunch of ideas to make cricket even more exciting.
We thought that parking ourselves on the lounge for five days straight couldn’t get any better, but he is going to model the batting around his hero, Sehwag. Yep! That means no more running between wickets, all scoring will be in fours and sixes, and you get a ten if you break a window! Every five overs there will be a KFC break and, to improve the bodycount, bowling beamers is now not only legal, but encouraged. The best part is the uniforms will be replaced with pirate costumes, everyone will have to grow beards and bowlers can only appeal to the umpire with a shout of ‘Yaaaarghhh!?!!’ It’s genius. Just like Errol in ‘Captain Blood’ *eyes glaze over for a second*
Ceci’s entry
Ceci, of Mel & Ceci, didn’t want to show how I was ruining cricket, so she has shown us how I am ruining Natalie Portman. If you can send a picture, or write in 200 words or less on how cricket with balls is ruining cricket, you go into the running to win one of 3 signed copies of my book.
My Interview as heard by Q
At the moment I don’t have audio copy of my first ever radio interview, luckily Q was listening, and keeping notes. To read his full recap, you can go here, but here is a taste.
“Jrod started off the interview in the way he knows best, by bagging the Aussies. “Yeah its a big thing for an Australian to write a book”, was his opening line.
Picking what to include was easy according to Jrod, “just put in what included a bit of sex, some swearing, what was funny…”
The presenters pitched in with “Jesse Ryder drinking”.
Coming back to the website, Jrod praised the cricket loving Indians and how they started coming to his website, which gradually resulted in a lot of people hearing about it.
The presenters wondered if it was the India vs Australia series in Dec 2007 that raised the popularity of his site, since Jrod gave the unique perspective of bagging both sides.
Religion came up next, as the presenters asked Jrod what Sehwagology was.
Jrod confessed that he had no idea how to explain how Sehwag batted, hence it had to be something to do with what he believes in, which is Sehwagology.
He also explained the way Sehwag would ask a girl out. By doing just that – asking her out. Going up to her and asking her directly without any fuss.
They then moved to the upcoming Ashes and asked Jrod what his expectations were regarding the series.
Jrod was at his best here saying that he wanted a good series, where a lot of stuff happens, and people get real angry.
“You don’t want a series like the England-West Indies series to report on, I would slit my wrists if I was asked to report on that!”, he claimed.
There was a dig at Daniel Vettori’s shitty captaincy as well before Jrod went off air, which the New Zealand presenters enjoyed a lot.”
Thank you Q, you are truly a mad bastard for writing notes.
I think he got it pretty spot on, but to be fair, I have no real memory of the interview, I was in a Zen like trance of piss taking.
Oh and Q finishes with this,
“The interview ended with a little promotion of Cricket with Balls, and the latest cricket book in town written by Jrod.
Have you bought your copy yet?
For the Australians, its here.
You know you want to read it.”
The book of the balls – DOWN UNDER
Oh yes.
Fear not you Australians who thought the book was never going to arrive on the big brown baggy land, it has arrived.
True story.
Right here in fact.
Buy it, you know you want to.
Buy as many copies as you can, and build little teepees out of them.
All the dirty details are in there, buy the book and gorge yourself on the balls.
And for you sickos, there are autographed copies available as well.
I cater for all tastes.
11 reasons why cricket with balls is ruining cricket
Dhananjay sticks in his entry. The competition is heating up. To see the previous entries go here, to remember what the competition is go here, to buy the book to stop me from talking about it go here.
1. It promotes free spirit talent like Dirty Dirk. Cricket needs factory produced “probots” who spout politically correct jargon and smile at the opposition even when they are getting fucked.
2. It promotes Sehwagology. Cricket needs Probotism.
3. It breaks stereotypes and promotes healthy if somewhat profanity laden debates. Cricket expects Aussie to be narrow minded, Brits to be born losers and Indians to be perpetual whiners.
4. It pontificates about the sex life of cricketers. Cricketers are clean souls who are only devoted to their cricketing skills and are celibate for life.
5. It speaks its mind about cricketers and does not give a shit about what others think.
6. It spouts Ashes facts which no one knew earlier. Even Cricinfo did not know about them.
7. It promotes the urge to “LaughOutLoud”, “ROFL” and other such obscene expressions.
8. It loves Imran Nazir. Imran Nazir is ICL – he is evil.
9. It further lowers the reputation of Lizard, Appam and other sundries.
10. It disses Moses Modi and his ilk. Modi is the cricket God – so what if he is selling its dignity through his DLF maximums, Ms.Bollywood and strategy break.
11. It makes cricket writing by arm chair experts like myself nadequate. I hate you Jrod.
Tom Cruise and Sportreview: together at last
Mr Irvine of Sportreview fame has entered the fray, can you top him? cwb@cricketwithballs.com
Top Cricket blogger JRod has written a book: The year of the balls 2008: a cricket disrepsective. He’s running a competition to win one with 200 words or less on how CWB is ruining Cricket. Here’s my 198:
*Camera tracks past a pack of grizzly bears on crack patrolling the grounds of a darkened Hollywood hills mansion.*
PA: Mr Cruise?
Tom Cruise: This had better be good – Katie bluescreened again, I’m doing a complete re-install.
PA: You heard of Cricket?
Tom Cruise: Was I a Cricket player in Days Of Thunder?
PA: No…
Tom Cruise: Vanilla Sky? Fuck it, what you got, amigo?
PA: This… Cricket blogger is starting his own religion. Sehwagology.
Tom Cruise: You’re Fucking Kidding Me! That JRod shitheel usually peddles analysis as insightful as Andrew Flintoff ordering a post-Ashes win breakfast kebab! Now it’s a fucking religion?
PA: There might even be a T-Shirt.
Tom Cruise: I. Will. End. Him. Actually, fuck that. I’m going to end Cricket. Get me L. Ron’s reanimated corpse on line one…
*Cut to 2011. Montage of Richie Benaud sighing in a food court, Ian O’Brien blogging about scrapbooking and Lords being used for rolla-lawn before cutting to a hi-fi clearance outlet.*
Virender Sehwag: See this system here? This is Hi-Fi… high fidelity. What that means is that it’s the highest quality fidelity.
*Customer leaves, buzzer sounds as we see The Ashes propping the door open. Credits roll*
Golden Showers and Balls
Matt gives us a disgusting taste of his own depravity. Can you out disgust Matt? Send your 200 words or less on how cricket with balls is ruining cricket to cwb@cricketwithballs.com so you can win one of three copies of the year of the balls 2008: a disrespetive.
1: Because, cricket with balls loves cricket deeply, but loves itself more and cricket is not the worse for that
2: Because it has the unusual ability to parodise to excess without rendering its subject matter a joke
3: Because participating actively or voyeuristically in CWB leaves one with a feeling of mildly elated unease at having enjoyed participating in something inherently anathema to good taste
Like -wearing a Chewbacca mask to an orgy and then saying thanks after being the unwitting recipient of a golden shower
Or -appeasing oneself into a bowl of custard then choosing to eat it
Cameron breaks the rules
This is Cameron’s illegal entry in the competition to win one of three signed copies of the year of the balls 2008: a disrespetive by telling us how cricket with balls is ruining cricket. As you will all know I am a stickler for the rules, especially of cricket and grammar, and this is clearly way more than 200 words. I had to put it up though, cause it is insane.
…because his perverted, vitriolic brand of cricket commentary infused with sexual overtones has long got those overtly ostentatious administercrat twats from the home of cricket riled with immense anger since his arrival on the cricket blog scene. They have long since attempted to remove his blog citing the Law 69bumfuck, that any cricket writing must first be sanctioned by the ICC. JRod replied with a fuck you, and much like the days of the rum trade continued his black market trade with renewed intensity. This only caused more anger and the Administercrats hired Lalit “Money” Modi to take care of the situation and remove JRod. Modi got to work on a master plan to eliminate the devil himself, JRod and his Satanic versus forever. Consequently years from now, with the plan in place, Modi will hire a band of Probots to conspire to end the Balls as we know it. Unsuspecting Dirty Dirk and Nice Bryce will be kidnapped by the Probots, drugged and forced by no will of their own to get In Bed With Jacques Kallis. During this horrific act of sexual slavery they will be implanted with anal probes with bombs attached, set to go off in a months time when they both meet JRod for an interview about why everybody should hate South Africans. Unfortunately for Modi and mob, John Buchanan will be hired to set the bombs after they found out he had once read the Jolly Roger cook book online. John had strengthened his argument for inclusion in the plan when he revealed he had read the Art of War several times. But poor John didn’t live up to his reputation. He would hire ‘multiple captains’ to set the timers but this band of inept idiots would not do the job of one man and subsequently set the bombs to go off in the IPL – now being held in England because India had invaded and taken over the British Isle a year earlier. In game 45 when Dirty Dirk and Nice Bryce are working in tandem taking down the worlds best cricketers the anal probe bombs will go off and blow up every international cricketer who ever lived. Strangely a black hole will emerge and suck the home of cricket into it and hence erase all knowledge that cricket was ever invented. Due to the strange scientific black hole phenomenon peoples memories will be wiped of the beloved game. Cricket Balls will become attached to ropes and become enormous anal beads for the sexually experimental and bats will become an instrument linked to increasing violence on the streets. The resultant outcome is not just the ruining of cricket but its complete destruction. All thanks to JRod and his wicked ways!
12 Reasons How or Why Cricket with Balls is Ruining Cricket
Q of Well Pitched fame has come up with his 200 words or less on how cricket with balls is ruining cricket. He is now in the running to win a signed copy of the year of the balls 2008: a disrespective. Do you have 200 words or less in you?
1. It swears.
2. It calls the cricketers names that even they would not have heard through sledging on the field.
3. It gives cricketers nick-names that they don’t like.
4. It discloses the personal sex lives of cricketers – or rather takes it a step forward by describing how they are in bed!
5. It denounces Cricinfo, the unofficial bible of cricket on the web.
6. It inspires blogs like the Fake IPL Player – we all know how Fake has ruined the lives of many a cricketer and commentator.
7. It promotes plagiarism – Its overwhelming to see how many other cricket blogs try so hard to be like it.
8. It tells the world wrong facts about the Ashes without thinking that there are kids out there who may believe it.
9. If there is a mutiny against any cricket authority – it will lead it!
10. It promotes drinking games where the risk of dropping dead drunk is high – I mean a gulp for every DLF Maximum? It couldn’t be more injurious to health!
11. If it were made to head CA, Victoria will be the new Australia!
12. Even after reading this, it will not change!
