Filed under ashes

Australian Autopsy: How England Dissected Australia in the 2010/11 Ashes – oh yes, my new book now exists

Wait, don’t slash your wrists along the veins in the way that most hollywood films won’t show you.

I can understand that you want to kill yourself because of general unease in the middle east, the global economic situation or kids attacking shops. I know that somewhere a cute white child has gone missing and you’ve lost faith in humanity. Maybe the death of the shastribot is upsetting you deeply, or you’re an international cricketer prone to suicide because cricket is a fucked up sport. I get it.

But don’t slit that wrist just yet, first, buy my book.

Sure it’s about the Ashes and you hate the Ashes, but I wrote it, and it has a scene of an Autopsy on the front.

I mean, it’s totally balls to your face awesome.

The world is a fucked up place, and I understand why you may want to end your life, but it would be stupid of you to kill yourself before buying my book.

So buy it, and maybe some rat poison, via the internet and you can read the book and then go out on a high.

For those who like to amazon.

Some of you like to book depository.

There is also flipkart and angus and robertson, but both seem to think the book is out of print, which seems odd.

As for you Kindle ePub fans, I am told there will be a downloadable version, but I don’t know when just yet.

I know some of you sick depraved types like autographed copies, so you can email me via cwb at cricketwithballs.com and I’ll charge you extra and scribble something down that not even I can read.

And as a special treat for all 7 of you who want it, I shall be recording my own Audio Book in the next two weeks or so, it will be me reading the book, probably abusing the bits I no longer like, and you know, mumbling a lot. It’ll be a audiobook/author’s commentary/podcast type nonsense.

Also, don’t kill yourself, I don’t want to go on if a reader of my site kills themself while Tony Greig still exists.

Tagged

Secret Ashes stuff from Gideon Haigh, Alan Tyers and Philip Pope

While you are waiting for the the pitch fork crowd to take down the ICC, you might want to enjoy a bit of reading.

Surprisingly, Gideon Haigh has a new cricket book.

I’ve only flicked through it for mentions of myself, it does seem light on for that, but you can feel how the balls has changed Gideon’s style and it does cover the Ashes in an intelligent kind of way.

If you’re into that.

Although, if you are going to buy only one Ashes book, you might want to wait a few weeks for another one. (Sorry, G-Dawg, but it’s all about the benjamins)

The cover is inspired by Darren Gough’s Strictly come dancing routine.

Alan Tyers has another book out with Beachy, and even though it still doesn’t have mentions of me, it’s clearly inspired by me, personally and professionally.

It’s a collection of unpublished player diaries, like ‘A beef history of time by Ian Botham’and Langer Management.

There are drawings of the diaries overs inside the books, including an Ian Bell inspired one with a box on it.

And then, if you’re finished these two Ashes inspired books, or you can’t read big words, there is always the 7 disc compilation of the entire Ashes, called, The Ashes a complete collection.

It has an inside story disc, which has a mostly outside story from people you’ve already heard heaps from.

It also has a story about how a cricket ball is made, a bunch of footage edited together from stump cam which is far duller than I imagined it could be.

There’s a great section where you can look at people getting their head measured.

An explanation of hawkeye.

Slow motion footage for a while.

The best part is the WACA media centre tour, it’s hosted by Philip Pope, yes, the Popester, who you may remember from imaginary flights from Adelaide to Sydney, takes you around for a guided tour, can you believe it?

Plus there is seven disks of Trott, Cook and Hussey batting, what more could you want.

Tagged , , , ,

Two pricks at the Ashes: Sydney Day 5 – England win 3-1

The ashes are over, and all I made is this video.

Tagged ,

The Professionals win

Cricket isn’t a funny game, it’s a sadistic torture that we enjoy because each and every one of us is sick and wrong.

I’ve been out here for weeks, and the feeling I have is more like being a prison bitch than a sport fan.

Kept away from my wife, sharing a room with various men, hardly drinking or sleeping, watching my back so I don’t get shivved, and knowing that even when I get out, I’m always going to be affected.

I can imagine my grand-kids being apprehensive in years to come, ”should we ask, I mean, he still has nightmares about Alastair Cook”.

It’s not the losing I mind, it’s how long it all takes.  That’s what makes cricket such a great game, in other sports, the band aid gets ripped off.  In cricket, they keep you alive for as long as they can, they cut your toes off, slice your calf off, put your genitals in a blender, get flesh eating ants inside your thigh, show you your intestines, put your arms in a wood chopper, cut your tongue and and sick it up your ass then back to your mouth, draw and quarter you, dip random bits of your body in acid, make you listen to Christmas Carols and keep your conscious during all of it.  Cricket never cuts your eyes out, though. It keeps them in, you have to watch all of this, for weeks on end, your body just being abused and damaged for the pleasure of others, it is why we love it. It’s why I’m still in the ground, seeing England run around for the fans. Seeing Cook one last damn time.   So much Cook.  Every day.

This series, Cook was the blender.

Perhaps with better pitches and cricketers, it wouldn’t feel this long, but from Xavier Doherty on in, I knew this was going to be a long hard road.

England aren’t a brilliant team yet, they’re just really good at what they do.  This means you don’t see the most amazing entertaining cricket of your life, you just see a team that executes it skillsets, a lot. What makes them good is not necessarily what gets you excited about cricket.  If they’re your team, you don’t care how they win, but for the rest of us, Australians and everyone else, this was a long series, filled with well drilled quick singles and bowling units combining.

Australia were the entertaining part of this series as their comedy ineptitude on and off the field has kept us all wanting more.  They showed just enough talent on the field at certain times that set up the laughs for later.   They don’t trust technology or each other.  They just kept building brick walls and running into them.

England won. Quite fucken rightly.

They deserve all the plaudits and credit that others will write.

Sometimes you do the Ashes, sometimes the Ashes do you.

Tagged

previously at the scg

Australia

Tried hard, bless ‘em.

England

Were looking great, yet got a bit dead rubbered at stages.  Lost the plot to Australia’s tail and losing key wickets.  Sending out a nightwatchman for Collingwood was just odd, unless Anderson had just been promoted ahead of him on form.

Who’s in front

No one has grabbed this game, England still in slight control.  They’d be already in front if they’d been a touch smarter to the tail.

Play of the day

In modern cricket you get a pat on the back for average fielding, you get two pats on the back for decent fielding, three for excellent fielding, and 4 or more for Natalie Portman fielding.  Phil Hughes copped a full blooded clip off the pads at short leg, looked like he might have lost a nut, saved four, and got one pat on his back.

Testicular moment of the day

Andrew Strauss is not known as captain thunderpants when he bats.  He’s often not as dour as people say.  Today he was positive and ruthlessly efficient.  Like a guy trying to pick up at a wedding in a country town.

Working class moment of the day

Michael Beer now knows what it is like to take a test wicket.  This would be ok if he had a test wicket.  Instead one of two things happen, he finally takes one, and it doesn’t feel as good as the first, or he never does and Billy Bowden one day gets hit in a hit and run.

Weird factoid of the day

Mitchell Johnson doesn’t always get wickets after he has made runs, but that’s because sometimes he forgets he makes runs.

Tagged ,

previously at the SCG

Australia

Putting England to sleep didn’t work, neither anything else.  Not dead, but starting to stink up a touch.

England

Bowled really well, but bowled for show, the big jaggers are pretty whilst showing that you’re bowling a bit short. Bowled better after lunch and the fact that Australia scored most of their runs through third man means good lines.

Who’s in front

England are in front.  A 150 run partnership could change that.  As could a collection of leopards let loose on the field.

Play of the day

Tim Bresnan takes the wicket of Michael Clarke and tries to celebrate with his teammates.  Instead is cleaned up by the sniping KP who knocks him over.  Earlier in the day the fun came from Watson punching his bat and Hughes headbutting his, as both were obviously solely to blame for their dismissals.

Testicular moment of the day

Home crowd, first test, first ball, clipped away with ease.  Louder home crowd, first test, second ball, pull shot for four.  It shows how brilliant Australia is going that a 37 is getting so much attention.  Usman just looked so composed that you want to like him.

Working class moment of the day

Tremlett bowled highlight reel balls early on.  Ended the day with one wicket.  Seems unfair.  Although his facial expressions rarely change, so maybe he was happy with this.

Weird factoid of the day

Usman Khajawa is now a better a batsmen in all dimensions than Andrew Hilditch ever was.

Tagged ,
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 8,513 other followers