Filed under lankans …

Apr 02 2011
2 Comments
indians, lankans, world cup 2011

Previously at the World Cup

India

Didn’t bother fielding or bowling to defeat Bangladesh after Sehwagology opened the tournament. Had three weeks off, then made a shit load of runs against England, panicked, and then somehow ended with a tie. Beat Ireland without too much flare. Tried to smash the Dutch off the map, but had to settle for a five wicket win. Looked like they were going to embarrass South Africa before Steyn steam rolled them and South Africa’s middle order got them over the line. Got bowled out by the sweet hips of Rampaul, but still easily beat a snoozing Windies. Kept Australia to a chaseable target, stumbled a touch before Shaun Tait brought them back to an easy win. Sehwag pushed them a few runs past a middle aged middle order of Pakistan with a bit of help from fielding.

Batting – Godzilla.

Bowling – Better than it looks.

Fielding – Better than Pakistan’s.

Sri Lanka

Started with a bye against Canada. Lost to Pakistan without Malinga or a middle order. Stepped over the bloated corpse of Kenya. Was about to have their middle order tested by Australia when the rain came down. Did what they had to against Zimbabwe. Made a decent total against New Zealand and then destroyed them. Stopped England from ever getting a par total, and then had a party that only two were invited to with the batting. Had another game against New Zealand, this time it was closer, but they still got home with barely more than a trip.

Batting – Hard on top, soft in the middle, non-existent at the end.

Bowling – Predators.

Fielding – Good enough.

Who’s favourite

It seems that India is, and with Mathews out, even more so.

Hospital watch

India

Nehra is out, just when he plays his best game. May not be a loss considering the pitch.

Gambhir is in, hamstrings are a risk, and he won’t get a runner.

Sri Lanka

Murali is in, the man is moving like someone has nailed his feet to the ground, he can’t get through the crease at all, he’s still Murali though.

Mathews is out, was the one class ODI batsmen in their middle order, and his bowling could have meant that they played three spinners without too much fear.

What India must do to win

The reverse Shastri. They aren’t perfect, and they probably know this, their last two games have been grinds rather than blasts, which is what suits them even better. There might be more pressure on them to win this than they can handle, but they have the batting to blow this bastard apart. What they can’t do is expect the top two to do it, if everyone bats their ass off; Sri Lanka might not have a long enough order to match it.

What Sri Lanka must do to win

Tie the top order to the bedpost. They might not bat as deep as India, but their top four is pretty, and their bowlers are far more powerful than India’s, so if they can squeeze out every run they can from their top order, that might be enough if their bowlers are on song. They also might not feel like they are worse than India, but can use the underdog nature and lack of pressure at the ground to throw all their shit on the wall.

Who will win

Sri Lanka, actually I have no real idea. One team has limited bowling and a great batting line up that can collapse. The other has a good bowling line up, a tasty top order and a line up from 5-11 that looks highly flammable. The reason I say Sri Lanka is that I picked them at the start of the tournament, and I think it would be nice if I was right.

Weird factoid about the final

Neither team can win, because old ancient cricket gods have decreed that you shouldn’t pick a wicket keeper as captain.

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Mar 28 2011
4 Comments
lankans, world cup 2011

How Sri Lanka can win the world cup: Tie the top order to a bedpost

How Sri Lanka will win

Sri Lanka should think of South Africa to win this world cup.

Their top four are as good as South Africas, but in better form.  After that is Thilan with his Gangsta limp and average of 27. Silva with his talent and lack of runs. Then the man who doesn’t exist.  Mathews is the only one of these three I trust, and right behind him is the longest tail in the world.

Any team playing them has to know this and therefore early wickets are a necessity.

The reason this tail is so long is because they’re picking four top line bowlers, and with Dilshan and Mathews to back them up, they have one hell of a bowling line up.

Their strength is wicket taking.  Kumar should get slightly more adventurous in the last two games with his field.  Strauss, Dhoni, Ponting and Vettori have been more attacking with their fields than Kumar, and he has the bowling line up they’d all dream over.

If their top four make runs, Murali stays fit and Kumar backs his bowlers this should be the team to win the world cup.  They’re like South Africa only suited to the conditions with a team who should win knock out games.

What Sri Lanka must do

Threaten to bring Jamie Siddons in as batting coach if their top order fails.

How to beat Sri Lanka

You should beg, steal or molest four wickets out of them.  That is the way to keep their score down to a chaseable amount.  Dilshan should be bullied.  He likes to think of himself as Mr Cool, so get in his face, tell him he’s over rated, and make him think with his dick and not his bat.  If he is thinking with a clear head that is not good for business.

The other three I have no idea.  The best idea is if you do keep them in, that you just restrict the bad balls to them, they’re all proper batsmen and not hitters, don’t give them chances to hit easy fours while moving the ball around for a single.

When they bowl there are some things you can do.  Murali is hurting, he isn’t getting through his delivery at all, and he can’t field.  It’s not the worst idea to attack him when he bowls slightly more to see how he takes it, and hit every ball you can to him.

Malinga is a great death bowler, but there are ways to lessen his impact.  Use the crease, bat a metre out of your ground, then a metre back, also.  If he can’t find his length he gives you a lot of full tosses and half volleys.  The other is through use of the powerplay.  Against England he bowled his 6th over in the 37th over, then he had a rest and came back on at the 43rd.  Once he is finished with 6 overs, call the powerplay.  Then Kumar has to think about what to do with him, and you either get less of him in the powerplay, or less of him at the end of the innings.  Either way, you win.

If you can pick Mendis, treat him like Chris Harris and starting picking out spots above the sightscreen where you want to dispatch him.  If you can’t pick him, milk him until you go out.

What not to do against Sri Lanka

Let Malinga bowl when he wants to bowl.

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Dec 15 2010
10 Comments
ashes, aussies, lankans

things happened in cricket today

This is a random collection of bourbon inspired sour mash thoughts.

Greg Chappell said this:

‘We didn’t plan for Mitch to struggle in Brisbane, but certainly we had made plans beforehand to leave him out of the second Test because we felt the conditions would have suited Peter Siddle, Ryan Harris and Doug Bollinger,”

That’s fine, but why make those plans so private that if he had a poor game he’d look he’d been dropped?

”Mitch was certainly out of sorts. It was always dependent of form, if he had brained them in Brisbane we would have given him consideration for Adelaide,”

If you weren’t out of form, and you took actual cricket wickets and made actual cricket runs we’d have picked you in Adelaide, but being that you did neither, we rested you.

“with five Tests in seven weeks we felt we needed to mix and match the attack to suit the conditions. It is a marathon.”

It’s such a marathon, that we decided to let you run a mini-marathon in Melbourne just days out from the test, because we’re crazy.

Oh, Greg, no wonder you’re every character from the Wizard of Oz.

James Sutherland obviously felt like he needed to step up as well.

When talking to SEN he said that Australia named their squad before the first test in 06/07 just as early as they did this time.

Oh, how nice, did you pick 17 players for that series as well, because you forgot to say that on SEN, and some ex footballer from the northern suburbs never asked you.

Sri Lanka has named a squad of 30 for the world cup.

Included are Arthur C Clarke, Roy Dias, Michael Ondaatje, S.W.R.D. Bandaranaike, Chaminda Vaas and some politician.

The president, who still looks way too much like Saddam Hussein said, “It doesn’t matter who is in the squad, I’ll pick 15 random cabinet ministers to play, and they’ll do the job I require.  We might win with a full strength team, but that won’t get me re-elected. Fuck Roy Dias.”

In other news, Johan Botha was physically abused in a bad way, so bad that the police said to Johan, show me on the doll where the bad spinner touched you.

Buy the cricket sadist quarterly so the editor can buy better booze.

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Oct 19 2010
12 Comments
lankans

Murali licks his fingers

Nick left this in the comments, and I think it needs a wider audience.

I’ve never been a big fan of the catchphrase, finger lickin’ good.

It dates back to when I was a kid when I saw a guy come out of a bedroom he had briefly shared with a young female and he licked his fingers and then said the phrase.

I have nothing against fingering people, but men licking fingers is never good.

When a woman licks a finger it brings up connotations of fellating, the problem is, that is does for men as well.

So now, thanks to some shitty fried chicken corporation I have the image of Murali blowing someone in my head.

Then, as if the metaphor of him sucking his fingers isn’t bad enough, they plop down a huge white substance, which I am sure is tasty, but does pass more than a casual resemblance to human ejaculate.

I bet a lot of mention discovered new feelings after seeing this ad.

Possibly a few dreams about magic fingers…

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Sep 04 2010
5 Comments
lankans

Finally, Tillakaratne Dilshan on a motor bike

For some reason the Dilshan pic disappeared from the last post, but that is because he is so cool, so here it is.

My name is Tillakaratne Dilshan, and I’m cooler than you.  Here I am riding a motorbike wearing a shirt and tie, yet, I’m still cooler than you, deal with it.  If i was dressed as a pirate, I’d be even more cooler than you.

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Sep 04 2010
8 Comments
kiwis, lankans

Sri Lanka pictorial

I went to Sri Lanka, and I took a camera.

I couldn’t possibly show you every photo that was cricket related, but these are my favourites, they’re unedited, because I can’t be bothered.

Every night Mahela and I drink coke together, you could be this happy if you drink coke. Look how happy we are.  Really happy.

Hey man, what’s happening, yeah, coke man, i love it, I’m so fucking high right now, I know you can’t tell, cause I pull it off well, but really I am high.  But I look normal, don’t i.  I’m not, I’m high. Let’s go to white castle.

Not enough countries have cricket graffiti. This is a win for Sri Lanka.

A rare photo of Saddam Hussein and Murali.

Dude, buy coke for your family.  Sugar and caffeine rock.

A free book for the person to correctly name these 4 New Zealand cricketers.  Yes that is a trick question, no one can correctly name kiwi cricketers. Nathan McCullum is on the left, ladies.

Look at these dudes working and sitting on trucks while a cool photo of Malinga is in front of them.

I saw these guys at Dambulla.  I hope they all fail. Lazy bastards.

I also have more photos of Dambulla, but this is enough for one day, surely.

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Aug 09 2010
11 Comments
lankans

Welcome to Sri Lanka

Many countries have pictures of their head of states in the airport.

It’s pretty fucken useless, no one cares, and it makes the leader look like a dodgy dictator.

At Colombo airport they might do that, but I didn’t see it.

What I saw was much better.

As you come through immigration, the king.

Much better than a picture of some politician.

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Jul 22 2010
14 Comments
lankans

Murali’s 800th

Tagged ,
Jul 06 2010
13 Comments
lankans

Murali set to retire

No one ever just retires anymore.  They are always set to retire.

And Murali is set.

Sources close to him have set him, and so have the Sri Lankan website, so it can’t be long before he confirms that the Galle test against India is his last.

Murali has been slipping for a while now, in 09 he averaged 46 in test matches, which for someone as machine like as him had to be a sign.

He can still bowl, but test cricket might just be a touch too far for the 38 year old.

8 wickets are what he needs to be the first bowler to 800 wickets.  If he gets there it will be an amazing last test considering his recent test form.

As for me, I never truly warmed to Murali.

I was there when he was first called.

While I appreciate his ability to bowl so many overs and the size of his eyes, no one else is allowed to bowl with that action.  And that bothers me.

Most of the shit wasn’t his fault anyway, the dude just did his job, others campaigned for and against him, and he was used to change a flawed system for the better, even if it is still not perfect.

I already get the feeling that this will set off the debate on Warne Vs Murali, which will probably end up as boring as it is pointless.

Murali may not have been my favourite cricketer, but politics and elbows aside what a servant he was for Sri Lanka.

Some days it felt like he would bowl unchanged for the entire day, add to that living through the whole chucking shit, the boy had guts, so I may not love him, but I do respect him.

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May 20 2010
11 Comments
afghanistanis, aussies, bangladeshis, indians, irish, kiwis, lankans, pakistanis, poms, saffas, windies, Zimbabweans

the world t20 team report card

Afghanistan – Turned up with a bowling unit that most Minnows would be proud of, but their bowlers also ended up being their batting.

They were very loud, but showed real aptitude, but were kicked out of the library after being caught urinating on the technique books.

Australia – Finally selected a T20 team and got a test player to captain it. Took the gamble on 3 front line bowlers and it worked until their batsmen bottled it in the final.

Bullied their way around the schoolyard, and everyone sucked up to them. Next time they should stay focused until the end of the day.

Bangladesh – Tried hard at times but never had the firepower to scare Australia or Pakistan.

Truancy is a problem, if Tamim isn’t around the rest of the boys lose confidence. Perhaps they were promoted too quickly and could do well if they were to repeat this grade a few times.

England – Was the best performed and coached side in the entire tournament, Wright at six was a gamble, but their middle order stuck around and they deserved to win.

Polite, courteous, well mannered and simply a delight to teach. About time too, before this they were a disorganized bore that should have been spanked daily.

India – Arrived with a hangover, played like they were in a coma, picked the wrong side and then performed like their entire family had been killed by drunk drivers.

Spank them, send them to bed without their dinner, cut all extra curricular activities and make sure you give them a curfew.

Ireland – Showed yet again that they are a plucky yet largely untalented bunch. Bowling display against England was a masterclass in bowling slow seam.

Since Eoin has moved classes the Irish boys have looked slightly stupid, it might be time for remedial studies, again.

New Zealand – At times it felt like they were in the tournament, but that they also weren’t. They beat 2 of the Semi finalists, but not in the semi finals.

A very eager student who would do extra work than required, it was just that their best work was only just a pass.

Pakistan – Were shocking, brilliant and wonderfully insane, just like Pakistan should be. Need a captain, not an excitable poodle.

Were truant at the start of the semester, then came in late doing lots of work to try catch up. They almost passed but it wouldn’t be fair to students who turned up all the time, like M Hussey.

South Africa – had one of the bowlers of the tournament in Charl Langeveldt, and almost no one else. Picked the wrong team, stayed with the wrong teamand then failed to actually chase Pakistan’s total.

These boys are clearly too old for schooling, and didn’t look interested either. Perhaps getting them into the workforce would benefit them.

Sri Lanka – Surfed the wave of Mahela all the way to the finals, but outside of him and some isolated performances they were pretty ordinary.

Had one mature age student who was of no use, a cool student who didn’t seem interested and some experimental student who produced very little. Very disappointed in them.

West Indies – Teams who host these tournaments are usually useless, the West Indies proved that rule.

The entire class sit around waiting for Chris Gayle to do the work, and he can’t always be bothered. Andre Fletcher needs private tuition or home schooling.

Zimbabwe – Had a great array of spinners and almost entirely nothing else. Played good honest cricket, but are missing several components.

They seemed to be driven by fear of being spanked by their parents, but are generally a very poor academic group. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but Ray Price is surely too old to be at school, and I think I saw him beat up the Lunch Lady.

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