Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
cricket with balls
just another bullshit cricket blog
Filed under player profiles …
balls profile: matt prior
Drives around in a Ferrari made of jelly beans. Looks 10 years older than he is because of the lack of hair. Yet, can still get a wife attractive enough that a billionaire fraudster will try and hit on. For years was thought of as a good batsman who couldn’t really keep, now is keen on reversing that trend. Perhaps the first inkling that he had good hands was the amazing feat of throwing jelly beans with keeping gloves on. Has some sort of sick relationship with Alec Stewart. Australians considered him arrogant, that is some praise.
balls profile: ricky ponting
A great batsman with a very disagreeable face is what I would put on his tombstone. There are assholes who hide their assholishness, and there is Ricky Ponting, the sort of man who seems to proudly wear a badge that says asshole on his shirt. You’re perfectly allowed to hate him, I doubt it bothers him. Has been described as a hairy armed goblin. Ricky has amazing integrity, he keeps it in a special glass cabinet that only he has to the key for. Had some punchy while drunk problems years ago, but no one cares anymore. In Ponting’s world view, we’re all wrong. Bowls really cool medium pace, but very rarely. His pull shot and this medium pace are my favourite things about him. My father believes he couldn’t captain his way out of a paper bag, one day I’d like to shrink him down to size and see if that is possible. Or get a big paper bag. Thinks that by spitting onto his hands he gives himself magic powers. It probably does.
balls profile: JP Duminy
Has never been in a French New Wave film. After making 166 in his second test he said, “I guess I have a lot to live up now.” Hasn’t yet lived up to it, making two fifties since then. His batting is perhaps too pretty to be real. Sort of like watching a young Sugar Ray Robinson in the dusk light filmed on a 16mm cam. His footwork is breathtaking, but has been used mainly to walk to and from the wicket of late. Was verbally fellated by Ian Chappell so much after his hundred that many believe this is the reason for his loss of class. Has never had the nickname, “cricket’s Justin Bieber”.
balls profile: ian bell
Why Ian Bell has never actually ended up naked in a bird cage no one knows, but he does often bat for England. Occasionally at number 6 and frequently against Bangladesh Ian Bell looks like he is the perfect test batting machine. Mostly he looks like he has forgotten his pin while standing at the ATM. His 30 odds are made with calm and class, as is his walk from the field shortly after. Watching him can be a maternal moment for most people as we just want to take him and give him a hug, or choke him to death and throw him into a lake.
balls profile: kyle mills
Has the unique ability to be the world’s number one ODI bowler while still being unknown to his closest friends. If you are discussing him with people it is best if you don’t use his name but actually just mention the guy with the hair of a greek wrestler. His bowling action is perhaps the neatest bowling action in world cricket, and it then propels length balls at a moderate pace that swing just a touch. Has played for two IPL sides without anyone noticing. Writes pulp crime novels in his spare time.
balls profile: Mohammad Ashraful
Started his test career with a hundred on debut. What an idiot. As if he was ever going to live up to that. Still has the talent, but if Bangladeshi cricket ever had a Mickey Rourke figure it would be Ashraful. His form has been so bad for so long that when he gets picked even the selectors apologise. Is perhaps the worst leaver of a cricket ball in the history of cricket, although hitting it has not done him much good either. Is currently working on a shot that looks like a leave but is actually a flick off the pads for 2. His nickname is Crashraful, it is not an ironic nickname.
balls profile: zaheer khan
Blessed with shoulders like a cartoon superhero and a permanent three day growth, Zaheer was set up perfectly to take over the Indian bowling line up. Was once the new Wasim, and while that title didn’t ruin him, he is less Wasim than Wasim, although he is more Wasim than Waqar, and he is definitely not the new McGrath. The left armed shouldery action looks great, and swings like the shit, but also injures him, a lot. Perhaps because no person was supposed to have those shoulders. Has the highest score ever made by a number 11 in test cricket, but it was against Bangladesh, so no one cares. Looks like he should run a large gym franchise and date C list celebrities whilst driving a sports car. Has a wicked bowling jump. Doesn’t like jelly beans.
balls profile: mike hussey
The greatest anomaly in the matrix ever, the former king probot started his career so well that it was impossible to trust in reality. Then, he became shit, and we all bought it again. Now he is somewhere in the middle. His batting swings between saving Australia in matches they shouldn’t win, and looking like he is only walking out to make a duck. Considering his often great performances are against Pakistan, it is amazing he has never been looked into by the ICC. His batting has more nerdish intensity than a twilight/star trek crossover convention.
balls profile: steve tikolo
Few minnow players ever become legends that you think about late at night in bed. Steve Tikolo has not done that. He has achieved a very long career that people notice every three years or so. A batsman of fair talent with a solid middle on him. Tikolo captained the great Kenyan side of the 03 world cup, and probably several other rubbish Kenyan sides. Has played in more meaningless ODI matches than any player from a non test playing nation. Played his first game for Kenya in 1964. Would have been a very handy county cricketer if ever given the chance. Tikolo obviously agrees, as his body size has mimicked that of many county pros for years.
