Filed under pakistanis …

Mar 31 2011
13 Comments
indians, pakistanis, world cup 2011

Make dot balls not war

This could have been the game to end all games.

But Pakistan were clever, whether it be the water, prisoners or Kashmir, they knew a polite loss was better for them.

Some will doubt this, they’ll think that Pakistan were just not good enough.

The truth is the Pakistan government sent in two diplomats in their middle order, and they did their job to cool the contest down so much that by the end there would be no problems.

This was disappointing to me.

To the sickos who like that sort of peace and hand holding stuff, this was a victory.

To me this game lacked the sort of hyperbolic anger I was hoping for.

Sure Sehwag preached quickly, Sachin’s innings was slapstick, and the Pakistan innings had a buried alive kind of feel, but it didn’t feel that explosive.

For Indian fans, they don’t care how they got there, as long as they do.

For Pakistan fans, they’ve got more important things to think about, like whether Rehman Malik is watching them.

Malik is watching me right now.

It’s creepy.

He’s far more aggressive than the Pakistani batsmen.

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Mar 30 2011
10 Comments
indians, pakistanis, world cup 2011

Time for a cricket inspired war

There seems to be a thought that India V Pakistan can bring these two countries together at last. For some this isn’t a game, but a chance for two countries to unite and shake each other’s hands and eat fairy floss together.  They think that when these two teams play a respectable game that some how decades of hatred and suspicion will be overcome with a bit of “the best team won on the day”.

I don’t think so.

Cricket isn’t the sport to bring about world peace, but to bring it anarchy.

This world is stale and dull, we need an apocalypse, we need a world war, and I want cricket to inspire this.

For that to happen what is better than a world cup semi final where both teams cheat, sledge and abuse each other until the only option for both countries is all out war.

I don’t want civility and bullshit respect, I want complete and utter mentalness.

That is what the world needs, that is what the world cup needs, and that just seems like fun.

The world needs a revolution, and I’d like that to be brought out by a fight of the UDRS or whether there really was an edge behind.

Something really petty and cricket related.

I want anarchy to reign in the streets while American reporters try and decipher the LBW rule as people are slayed behind them.

If any sport was invented to bring us to a new world order it was cricket.

Now all we need is for the Indian and Pakistani cricket teams to do their bit.

Cheat, be arrogant, bend the rules, take a steamy dump on the spirit of cricket,  abuse your opposition and be as brutal as you can, don’t let this opportunity slip, the world needs you boys, it needs the apocalypse your cricket bastardy can bring.

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Mar 29 2011
10 Comments
pakistanis, world cup 2011

Rehman stops the fix with one press statement from hell

Too often in the past with small matches like most world cup semi finals, players just spot and match fixed their asses off.

They know by that stage in the tournament no one is really watching so they can get away with all sorts of shit.

In the past I’ve assumed Kenya, Sri Lanka, South Africa and New Zealand spot fixed blatantly in world cup semi finals, the problem was, no on was keeping a close watch.

This is the perfect time to fix a match, because who is going to be watching the semi finals of the world cup closely? Especially a boring game between India and Pakistan.

I suppose most of us cricket sadists and tragics will follow the scores casually, but very few will watch it.

Before I felt guilty about the possibility that I’d forget the game was on altogether, only to check the newspapers the next day and see the score.

Now I don’t, because Rehman Malik has his eye on this one and his eye is all seeing and magnificent and super genetically modified and carbon based.

“I gave them a warning yesterday that there should be no match-fixing. I am keeping a close watch. If any such thing happens, we are going to take action,”

The problem is, I don’t really want to have to watch either of the semi finals, who has the time, or for that matter, the final, but it is important to me as a cricket fan that no fixing of any kind is going on.

So, Rehman, if you’re upto it, the whole world is going to ignore the last three games and just take your word for it that everything goes clean.

Oh, but I’m also worried that the teams won’t prepare well, my team isn’t playing, and I won’t be watching, but it would pain me if the players weren’t well prepared.

“They should concentrate on their practice and must go to bed early. They should ensure discipline and rise up according to their schedule.”

That’s a weight off my shoulder.  Jesse likes the night light kept on, and Yuvraj can’t eat after 10 because he gets nightmares.

So they’re in bed, but what about their phones. I mean who the hell is Upul Tharanga talking to, it’s probably some sexual predator who likes the less exciting opening partner.  Can you help out there as well, Rehman?

“I should not have revealed but we keep an eye on people who meet our players, with whom they talk by telephone.”

Phew.

Well, dude, I think you’ve got this covered.

Oh, just one last one, can you end corruption in cricket while you have a few spare minutes?

“If you want to stamp out corruption in cricket, the simple law of the world is crime should not pay,”

There is genius in that, Rehman, thanks for fixing world cricket one press statement at a time.

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Mar 23 2011
13 Comments
pakistanis, world cup 2011

How Pakistan can win the world cup: Ride the Afridi love wand

How Pakistan will win

There is no doubt that Pakistan has holes in their line up, and that at any stage the whole team could self combust into flames, even if Ross Taylor isn’t involved.

Looking at Pakistan in any sort of structured way is like trying to prove ghosts exist by looking at three episodes of most haunted.

Pakistan can win because Shahid Afridi is currently walking around oozing cocaine and champagne out of every orifice when he bowls.

Sometimes all you need is a leader who is so cock sure of himself that everyone else just assumes he can walk on water.

While Ian Chappell might not see the beauty of Afridi, the Pakistan players seem to.

Chappell likes things regimented and tough, he would have excelled in World War 2, but Afridi is guerilla warfare and Chappell’s segmented brain can’t process the many levels of awesomeness that are attacking him when Afridi is on fire.

Shahid Afridi can win this tournament, he might need some help, but in his mind he probably has 11 personalities that he can bring together to win the world cup on his own.

It’s even possible that in his head he’s already won this tournament and we just don’t know it.

Afridi does exist on many planes at once, even when he doesn’t make any runs.

What Pakistan must do

Ride the Afridi love wand.

How Pakistan can lose

Perhaps Afridi has used all his mojo. It’s possible, even though his mojo seems bottomless. His mojo can also be spent on other things at time leaving his cricket limp and lifeless.

The rest of team is not horrible, it’s just that the rest of the team seems to be made of tissue paper not human flesh.

If Afridi does run out of magic bowling beans it’s hard to see how Pakistan can win the last two games.

They have other players, their middle order was both born in the age of enlightenment, and Umar Gul is a far better bowler than his sideburns show, I just don’t see how they win if Afridi isn’t taking wickets, raising his arms in the air and moving his head from side to side like the world’s most eager puppy waiting for a treat.

But they’re Pakistan, so speculation about what will and won’t happen is like making sense of Afridi’s batting.

What not to do against Pakistan

Hit the ball in the air to anyone who isn’t Kamran Akmal.

Now, the two chucks.

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Mar 21 2011
14 Comments
pakistanis

Shahid Afridi accuses Ian Chappell of causing Cancer

In a stunning outburst Shahid Afridi has announced to the world that he believes that Ian Chappell causes Cancer.

Afridi, speaking about how cool he is to a drooling press core, made a convincing argument connecting Chappell to Cancer.

“Cancer is a terrible affliction that has caused much heartbreak, and you cannot deny the link between cancer and Ian Chappell.  Before I’d ever heard of Cancer, I’d heard of Ian Chappell, and almost from that moment Cancer started affect those I knew.  There is much more proof out there and as journalists I’d suggest you go out and find it.  Ian Chappell must be stopped as it is the only way we can cure Cancer.”

The stunned journalists had few follow up questions for Afridi as most of them were googling ‘Cancer Chappelli’ for the rest of the presser.

Afridi also said, “When I raise my arms after a wicket the whole world is lifted.  It may not cure Chappell’s disgusting disease, but it gives them hope and love, and anyone who hates hope and love is surely a Cancer merchant”.

Earlier Afridi was asked about Kamran Akmal and whether his position in the Pakistan team was still safe, Afridi dismissed this by saying, “we don’t need a wicket keeper to win the world cup, we’re better than that”.

While the press core was still looking at their mobile devices, Afridi skipped away.

Cancer is a disease that affects the lives of many cricket fans, commentators and some players.  There is no known cure or medical research linking it to Ian Chappell.

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Mar 08 2011
19 Comments
pakistanis, world cup 2011

Kamran Akmal is winning

You may not believe this, but between innings I managed to fly to Sri Lanka, convince that security at the ground that I only speak English, walk out on the ground, get several key reporters to give me a press pass and interview Kamran Akmal as he came off.

Kamran, it’s Jrod from cricket with balls, can we have a quick chat?

We need him and we need his wisdom and his bitchin’-ness.

Cool, how do you feel about missing those three chances?

If you think about it, dude, it’s like I’m 0 for 3 with catches, with never an excuse, but like in cricket, the scoreboard doesn’t lie, never has. So what we all have is a catchof the heart. To sully or contaminate or radically disrespect this fielding with a shameful catch is something that I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers.

Good point. What do you say to those who think you should be dropped?

I am on a drug, it’s called Kamran Akmal!

Some people are going to accuse you of match fixing out there.

I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and bitchin’ and just winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin’ and just deliverying the goods at every frickin’ turn, because, look what I’m dealing with’ man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls, dealing with soft targets and it’s just, you know it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee because I don’t have time for these clowns.

OK, but some people are going to accuse you of performing badly for cash?

I have one speed, one gear. I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying’s for fools, dying’s for amateurs.

Nice Imran Khan reference, but are you saying you took money?

I don’t buy it. I don’t agree with it, I don’t trust it, I don’t care about it, I don’t ever want to hear those words put together again. What it was isn’t what you thought it is because it is what it is, because you claim so, because you confirm it, because you insist that it is what it is and therefore it ain’t what it ain’t. It ain’t what it ain’t, which is gold and winning and magic, because that’s how I roll. It is what it is, and your stupid, boring contaminated world because you allowed it.

Are you shit or a cheat?

I’m burning my own face but I can’t feel the fucken heat because I don’t feel fucken pain because pain is a fucken myth.

Thanks for nothing you shitty keeping fucktard.

What’s not to love? It’s MY life. Winning!

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Jan 30 2011
10 Comments
pakistanis

#SaveAfridi: the renegade

He was a cricketer, and good at his job. But then he committed the ultimate sin and stood against other cricketers – gone bad. Cricketers who tried to kill him, but got the woman he loved instead. Framed for murder, now he prowls the badlands. An outlaw hunting outlaws, a bounty hunter – a RENEGADE!

I have no idea if Afridi has ever stood up against corrupt players, or if the woman he loved was killed by him, but he’s a renegade, mostly by accident.

He needs to be protected, supported and cherished as the mad man he is.

So when he needs us, we should step up.

It seems that Pakistan is the only cricket nation in the world cup that hasn’t decided on a captain yet.

With Ijaz Butt involved you sort of expect him to wait until the first game is over and then make a decision.

Apparently the players, sponsors and management want Afridi.

Mahzeer Majeed and the PCB wants anyone but Afridi.

So it’s a tough choice.

Do you trust the players who have to go out on the field with him, the management team who have to plan to win the world cup with him and the sponsors who should have no say but I’m using in my argument because they are probably smarter than Ijaz Butt.

Or do you trust the PCB, the KAOS of cricket administrations and the man who recently said to me, “and you have seen the whole footage have u? The complete unedited version to make your statement… no I thought not.”

Support Afridi, use your social media thingies, tell a friend, tattoo his name on BUtt’s head, but get it done, because even one man against the world, needs some friends.


Here are highlights of Afridi to remind you what a great he is.

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Nov 15 2010
12 Comments
pakistanis

Pakistan cricket’s barbershop

“There are three things that Black people need to tell the truth about. Number one: Rodney King should’ve gotten his ass beat for being drunk in a Honda a white part of Los Angeles. Number two: O.J. did it! And number three: Rosa Parks didn’t do nuthin’ but sit her Black ass down!”

That is what Eddie says in Barbershop.

In real life, the whole Pakistani cricket set up seems to be a bit like Eddie.

Unable to see that the dude left because some one said Ima gunna kill you and yours.

I have no idea whether I would have run like Haider did, but I certainly wouldn’t have told Ijazz Butt.  And what is the point of taking it to the players.

Sure, he could have told the ICC, but getting the fuck out of there also did the job, you can always contact the ICC when you are well away from some dude trying to kill you.

Perhaps some ex and current players believe his mistake was not just taking the cash and doing what they wanted.

Eddie probably would have thought that.

Abdul Razzaq said, “I don’t think he did the right thing. He made a big mistake. If he had any issues he should have told the senior players or the management.”

The Pakistan’s sports minister, Ijaz Hussain Jakhrani, took time out from ignoring how bad a job Butt is doing to say; “If he is such a weak and scared person he should not have played cricket in the first place, particularly not for the national team.”

Afridi had a bit of, “I just don’t understand what he (Haider) is trying to do. He has behaved very childishly. He has behaved just like Yasir Hameed  had done in England. What is he trying to achieve?”

It worries me when Hameed and Haider are the stupid ones.

Surely the bigger problem is that when players talk up, the Pakistani cricket community takes the piss out of them.  Why bother saying anything at all?

So if Eddie from barbershop was a Pakistani cricket fan, I think he’d say this;

“There are three things Pakistani cricket fans need to understand.  Number one:  Salim Malik had to take the blame so our team wouldn’t lose its best players.  Number two: Spot fixing aint shit.  Number Three:  Haider didn’t do a goddamn thing other than fucken leavin’.”

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Nov 11 2010
21 Comments
pakistanis

Invasion of the Akmals 3: Adnan’s Anger

On a planet far away in a galaxy that no telescopes could see lived a Queen Akmal. The Queen Akmal, perhaps the scariest of all the queens in all the galaxies, was a monster that no imagination could do justice too. Scales, tentacles, weird hangy bits, and hair everywhere, oh, she was as frightful a creature as there was. This monster had eaten up all the enemies on her planet. Then shit them out, only to re-eat them, mostly because that is how she survived. But when she was sick of pooping and eating the same people on rotation, she sent her favoured son out into the cosmos to find her new victims. At first the favoured Akmal did well, he devoured those on earth and kept his mother in new carcasses the way she liked it. The Queen was pretty damn happy with this, but then this Akmal got sloppy, lazy, shit and dodgy. The people of joice rejoiced that they had survived. The Queen was not amused, so she popped out a new favoured son, colouring his lips along the way. This son was loved briefly by all that saw him, even his earthly victims, but before long it was the same old shit, so to speak. The Queen’s sons had failed her twice, but while we are happy on earth knowing we have defeated the Akmals, she is getting ready for a third. The final son. The third Akmal. This son will not fail like his feeble puny pathetic brothers. This son shall not just bring her food and clean up for the other two, his job is to find a new queen and start creating even more Akmals so that the Queen will never have to rely on just one Akmal and our world will be nothing more than a feeding ground for lazy stupid Akmals. He is Adnan, he is Angry, he is AKMAL… Can we survive him?

Now in 3D.

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Nov 09 2010
19 Comments
pakistanis

Zulqarnain Haider (Zully Q-dawg) retires

I assume being a Pakistani fan is like being in a room with Delta Goodrem talking about her struggles, or watching as someone slowly drills out one of your eyeballs.

Today the only non-Akmal wicket keeper left in their country has retired.

Why?  Well we can only take his word for it, but it looks like he’s left because he refused to match fix and had his life threatened.

It doesn’t make him very gangsta, but it might make him the Rosa Parks of the Pakistan cricket team.

This is part of what he said, “I would rather flee away than sell out the dignity and respect of my motherland.”

The ICC might fine him for not saying he wants to put the balls in the right area.

He arrived in the UK visa less and without return ticket, so he is probably locked up in a cage right now.

Now he is claiming asylum in the UK, and probably talking contracts with Derbyshire.

I suggest, if he is going to hide in the UK, there is no better place than Derbyshire, I’ve lived in the UK for a couple of years and have no idea where it is.

It is too early to really know what the hell is going on.

I am willing to trust Zully Q-dawg for now, I mean, he isn’t about to make a fortune on the chatshow circuit, so giving up an international career is a big call for someone so new to the game.

If he finds himself needing a meal in London, I’ll get him some chicken as we sit around my place slagging off the Akmals.

I think that would cheer him up, it always cheers me up.

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