Filed under kiwis …

Oct 12 2010
5 Comments
county cricket, kiwis

Save IOB

So I wrote this at cricinfo, and IOB is still not saved.  I’ve always assumed my fans are rabid revolutionaries that are just waiting for a cause to bite the ass of the establishment, maybe this is the cause.

There once was a cricketer more romantic than you, who decided to make his career by bowling into the wind. He had an extra “I” in his name for no reason, liked taking pictures of his own feet, and became Test cricket’s greatest blogger along the way.

He is Iain Edward O’Brien, enemy to ghostwriters, saviour of into-the-wind bowling and hero to those he tweets to. While most of us would never have noticed this hardworking Kiwi quick had he not talked about being called rude things by the Gabba crowd, we now know him, and we await his every tweet, blog and commentary stint with the hunger of Bon Jovi fans.

When he left international cricket to be with his wife, international cricket sobbed a big wet soppy tear at losing a true romantic.

Luckily for those who live in the British Isles, it was the cultural hotbed of Matlock that Iain chose to live in with his wife. This meant that while some cricket fans would miss out on him, British fans would get to see him up close and personal when he signed for Middlesex.

It is true that while playing for Middlesex, Iain spent most of his time with his butt in the air (not an Ijaz joke) with physios and doctors manipulating his injured posterior. When he was fit, he would pop in with a seven-wicket haul, but such is the class of this man that even injured he could keep county cricket fans happy with endless jokes about his injury.

Iain is truly a man of the cyber people and also the darling of Lord’s. Chatting to po-faced Middlesex fans for hours on end about the team they love, while looking resplendent in their pink colours. He even took to the microphone in between extensive rear-end medical work, working his magic for the BBC London, Five Live Sports Extra and Test Match Sofa.

You might be thinking, is there nothing this man can’t do?

Well, he can’t bat, and thanks to a scandalous group that also reside at Lord’s, he can no longer play county cricket for Middlesex. The ECB (or friends of Allen Stanford as some call them) has decided that even though Iain O’Brien has qualified as an English player through his romantic intentions, and that he could legally work for the ECB, he cannot play cricket in England.

I tried to contact a few other county players to see what they thought about Iain O’Brien’s case, but most of them were in South Africa. On holiday, I guess.

Thanks to the ECB’s wacky decision, Iain will probably have to play for some side in Matlock. You know what this means: Iain bouncing young villagers due to still being angry at the ECB. Is that what you want? Surely not.

In Ricky Ponting’s latest book he takes precious time out of talking about how the media abuse him, just to have a go at Iain O’Brien for an incident at the Adelaide Oval. I think you will agree with me that any man who annoys Ricky that much needs our support.

Let us help keep the most romantic cricketer in the world stay at Middlesex, join the Facebook group.

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Sep 04 2010
8 Comments
kiwis, lankans

Sri Lanka pictorial

I went to Sri Lanka, and I took a camera.

I couldn’t possibly show you every photo that was cricket related, but these are my favourites, they’re unedited, because I can’t be bothered.

Every night Mahela and I drink coke together, you could be this happy if you drink coke. Look how happy we are.  Really happy.

Hey man, what’s happening, yeah, coke man, i love it, I’m so fucking high right now, I know you can’t tell, cause I pull it off well, but really I am high.  But I look normal, don’t i.  I’m not, I’m high. Let’s go to white castle.

Not enough countries have cricket graffiti. This is a win for Sri Lanka.

A rare photo of Saddam Hussein and Murali.

Dude, buy coke for your family.  Sugar and caffeine rock.

A free book for the person to correctly name these 4 New Zealand cricketers.  Yes that is a trick question, no one can correctly name kiwi cricketers. Nathan McCullum is on the left, ladies.

Look at these dudes working and sitting on trucks while a cool photo of Malinga is in front of them.

I saw these guys at Dambulla.  I hope they all fail. Lazy bastards.

I also have more photos of Dambulla, but this is enough for one day, surely.

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Jun 28 2010
10 Comments
kiwis

The Prince gives up the gloves

Prince Brendon McCullum has finally done what he had leaked, inferred and generally showed us on many an occasion he was thinking about by giving up his role as test keeper.

No keeper since Tim Zoehrer (who often took the gloves off to bowl leggies) has shown such casual regard for the skill that got him into international cricket in the first place.

The Prince is talented, but that talent hasn’t exactly been oozing out of his stats now has it.

In test cricket, the game where he is giving up the gloves, he has made 5 test centuries – 2 against Bangladesh and 1 against Zimbabwe – at an average of 34.  Low.

In one day cricket, where he doesn’t always seem to keep, he has made 2 centuries – 1 against Ireland – at an average of 29 with a strike rate of 87.  Still not special numbers.

In T20 where others keep mostly, he has made 1 century – against Australia – and averages 33 with a strike rate of 126.  Other than a slower strike rat than you’d expect, the man is a fair T20 batsman.

T20 is the only form of the game where Prince Brendon could give up keeping and be a legitimate force right now.

Sure, ditching the gloves might improve his batting, but it might not.  Being an all rounder in any sense might be a burden on your time, but it also gives you freedom.  You can average 34 as a batsman if you have another skill, but who wants a test batsman who averages 34.

I know New Zealand don’t always have the highest standards when it comes to test averages, but 34 is testing them.

According to Assistant coach Mark Greatbatch, “Brendon clearly understands he will only be considered as a test batsman on his long-form batting performances.”

Dictator Dan has been quiet on the announcement.

McCullum may return to keeping in one day cricket.

The cynical cunt nature of me wonders if this isn’t an elaborate test retirement.

His average is not enough to get him an automatic spot, so maybe he plays a few tests, or maybe he doesn’t get picked at all…

If it is an elaborate well staged test retirement, you have to give the man some credit, it is the double indemnity of test retirements.

I fear it is not, and instead it is just a wicket keeper who thinks he can cut it as a test batsman.

I wonder if he can?

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May 20 2010
11 Comments
afghanistanis, aussies, bangladeshis, indians, irish, kiwis, lankans, pakistanis, poms, saffas, windies, Zimbabweans

the world t20 team report card

Afghanistan – Turned up with a bowling unit that most Minnows would be proud of, but their bowlers also ended up being their batting.

They were very loud, but showed real aptitude, but were kicked out of the library after being caught urinating on the technique books.

Australia – Finally selected a T20 team and got a test player to captain it. Took the gamble on 3 front line bowlers and it worked until their batsmen bottled it in the final.

Bullied their way around the schoolyard, and everyone sucked up to them. Next time they should stay focused until the end of the day.

Bangladesh – Tried hard at times but never had the firepower to scare Australia or Pakistan.

Truancy is a problem, if Tamim isn’t around the rest of the boys lose confidence. Perhaps they were promoted too quickly and could do well if they were to repeat this grade a few times.

England – Was the best performed and coached side in the entire tournament, Wright at six was a gamble, but their middle order stuck around and they deserved to win.

Polite, courteous, well mannered and simply a delight to teach. About time too, before this they were a disorganized bore that should have been spanked daily.

India – Arrived with a hangover, played like they were in a coma, picked the wrong side and then performed like their entire family had been killed by drunk drivers.

Spank them, send them to bed without their dinner, cut all extra curricular activities and make sure you give them a curfew.

Ireland – Showed yet again that they are a plucky yet largely untalented bunch. Bowling display against England was a masterclass in bowling slow seam.

Since Eoin has moved classes the Irish boys have looked slightly stupid, it might be time for remedial studies, again.

New Zealand – At times it felt like they were in the tournament, but that they also weren’t. They beat 2 of the Semi finalists, but not in the semi finals.

A very eager student who would do extra work than required, it was just that their best work was only just a pass.

Pakistan – Were shocking, brilliant and wonderfully insane, just like Pakistan should be. Need a captain, not an excitable poodle.

Were truant at the start of the semester, then came in late doing lots of work to try catch up. They almost passed but it wouldn’t be fair to students who turned up all the time, like M Hussey.

South Africa – had one of the bowlers of the tournament in Charl Langeveldt, and almost no one else. Picked the wrong team, stayed with the wrong teamand then failed to actually chase Pakistan’s total.

These boys are clearly too old for schooling, and didn’t look interested either. Perhaps getting them into the workforce would benefit them.

Sri Lanka – Surfed the wave of Mahela all the way to the finals, but outside of him and some isolated performances they were pretty ordinary.

Had one mature age student who was of no use, a cool student who didn’t seem interested and some experimental student who produced very little. Very disappointed in them.

West Indies – Teams who host these tournaments are usually useless, the West Indies proved that rule.

The entire class sit around waiting for Chris Gayle to do the work, and he can’t always be bothered. Andre Fletcher needs private tuition or home schooling.

Zimbabwe – Had a great array of spinners and almost entirely nothing else. Played good honest cricket, but are missing several components.

They seemed to be driven by fear of being spanked by their parents, but are generally a very poor academic group. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but Ray Price is surely too old to be at school, and I think I saw him beat up the Lunch Lady.

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May 05 2010
7 Comments
kiwis, world twenty20

Scott Styris – the sleazy old man of T20

Scott Styris plays his cricket in much the same way the guy who is 15 years older than the majority of a crowd of some suburban beer and pick up joint on a Saturday. He may not still be that good looking, fashionable or even know what the girls are into, but he knows how to be successful.

It isn’t pretty. He has to stay around really late, late for the drunk one whose friends have left and then needs to use every skill he has ever accumulated to get the girl. Even then he needs luck and the lights to be down low.

You also know that Styris gave up the love of a good and dependable wife to chase these vacuous young women around. He is chasing riches and young flesh, this takes time and preparation, it isn’t something you can do when you have a big commitment to something older that ties up your time for a large part of the year.

Watching Styris play against Zimbabwe was some sort of perverse thrill for me. I’ve always been a fan of watching these sorts of old men operate. Once Styris got his hands against the easy prey of the Zimbabwe middle and late order it was a gloriously sleazy encounter as Scott was all over them like a cheap polyester suit.You could smell the musky cologne and brylcreem on him. I never saw it, but I assume he had a gold tooth or a tooth pick in his mouth.

Stryis was dancing to Livin’ la Vida Loca, trapping girls in the corner of the bar and buying drinks like no one’s business.

Zimbabwe weren’t the first and regardless of his age they won’t be the last.

I’ve thought many times that Stryis’s career is over, but I’m always wrong. When you can continue to perform well beyond your use by date and you give up any real pride you can go on achieving moderate success for a long time.

All he needs now is a toupee.

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Apr 30 2010
4 Comments
kiwis, pakistanis, saffas, world twenty20

The World T20 thingy (chapter 3)

New Zealand

Every world tournament means one thing, ignoring New Zealand’s chances of winning the tournament.

Can New Zealand make the semi finals?

It is their rightful place in world tournaments, so I can only hope so. A team with Dictator Dan, Prince Brendon, Ross Taylor, Jesse Ryder and Shane Bond should do some damage along the way. Dan thinks they can win, and I’ve never had much luck arguing with people in beards.

Players to watch or not

Jesse is back. So is Aaron Redmond.

It should also be mentioned that Rob Nichol has been picked, and from the pic on cricinfo he looks like he is trying to out “metal” Ryan Sidebottom. I’ve never seen him play, or rock out.

Pakistan

They won this tournament 15 minutes ago. Since then the PCB has had some of the greatest hissy fits ever. I am now not even sure if they have 20 players to choose from. Shahid is captain. Nothing can go wrong there.

Can they go back to back?

This is Pakistan, so any real assumption of how they will go should be ignored due to the fact that no one really knows what they will do, least of all them. But I can’t see them winning this time. Shahid is their inspiration, but he does his best as a free spirit roaming the field of play, not as the man you look up to for steely eyed guidance.

Players to watch for or not

Abdul Razzaq is playing so you can marvel at this amazing specimen; he will be the first 50 year old cricketer to play back to back World T20s.

Umar Akmal should be good for youthful aggression and all the hijinks that come from it.

South Africa

This is an international tournament, so they are massive underdogs already. This time they come in with their key T20 weapon as Jacques Kallis. Wow.

Can they win?

Would have to fix a few key problems like the injury to Smith, and the form of Gibbs, Duminy, and Ab DeVilliers. In some ways Bangladesh look like they have a better batting line up when form is mentioned. They still have Morne and Steyn, but hard to see how they could win the tournament coming in with this limping side and that huge ICC sanctioned monkey resting on their shoulders.

Players to watch or not

Juan Theron sounds like he should be staging a coup in Chile. Bowls slow, but good slow, like Chaminda Vaas, except right handed, and less cute.

Loots Bosman was brought into international cricket for the headlines, “England find out who the Bosman is”. Alastair Cook is not a fan.

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Mar 31 2010
18 Comments
aussies, kiwis

Australia complete unbeaten test summer while no one watches

New Zealand had 3 century makers.

Nathan Hauritz took 4 wickets.

Jesse Ryder made 1 hundred in first class cricket.

And Australia won 2 nil.

That is the series in numbers, but it was so much less than that.

For those of you who didn’t see it, the vocal 92%, here it is in snappy sentences.

The IOB replacement, Brent Arnel, looked as dependable as your dad’s old ford, but no where near as exciting.

Ryan Harris bustled in like the term was invented for him, but while he took wickets, he didn’t look as penetrating as he had in ODIs.

Vettori did everything, again, but it was not enough, it is never enough.

Prince Brendon has now made two test hundreds against legitimate opposition, but still thinks he can cut it as a batsmen only.

Mitchell Johnson ended a disappointing time for him with a pair and a ten wicket haul.

Jeets continued to look good without taking wickets.

Marcus North has marked his name down for the first Ashes test even though he had to bat with Steve Smith draped on his shoulders.

Ross Taylor played one of the best IPL audition innings ever.

BJ Watling can field, pause, that is all.

Simon Katich really hates Kiwis.

Australia has now won their last 6 test matches against teams ranked 6th, 7th & 8th according to the ICC boffins.

And Michael Clarke had some personal problems.

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Mar 29 2010
17 Comments
aussies, kiwis

The story behind the innings

Fuck I hate these bastards. Always smiling and pretending to be the most pious cricket nation on earth, when we all know the truth. Cunts. I’d love to play against them every day of the week and strangle the life out of them. That accent too, and all the “bro” shit. I can’t stand it.

That is all bullshit, the real reason I hate New Zealand is way more personal. Years ago I was seeing a girl in Perth. She was great, a “good” Greek chick with a better than average knowledge of left arm wrist spin. We just clicked, we liked the same bands and hated the same films, she liked hairy chests, and she got free CDs as part of her job. We were seeing each other for about 3 months, and I thought she could be the one.

Then one night I was playing a day nighter against Tassie at the Waca. I made 32 off 40, and was striking them well. Everyone else was shit and we got rolled easy and they knocked off the runs quickly.

After the game I was supposed to meet her at some bar, but when I got there, I couldn’t see her anywhere. Eventually I got myself a beer and walked out to the back of the beer garden to replay my innings in my head. Instead I heard a girl squealing, and I thought I better investigate to see what the go was, either I’d see some nakedness, or I’d stop a rape.

The noise was coming from the car park just behind the skip, and I could hear two blokes chatting, both kiwis, and one chick making excitable noises. It sounded like a shit load of fun. I rushed around, careful not to spill a drop, and then I saw it, that ugly fucken scene, my girl, being sandwiched between two dirty bloody kiwi backpackers.

It was fucken horrible, put me off group sex for life (and I’m a bloody cricketer). It was like that bloody Chinese finger cuffs thing from that film. She was trapped in tight from both ends. I just dropped my beer, called her a whore and fucked right off. Never spoke to her again.

This was obviously years ago, and in many ways I am a different bloke now. Happily married, a fully-fledged member of the aussie side, and I don’t bowl wrist spin much anymore. But it still hurts, you know.

So I get my own back. Every time I play this vile country, I fucken grind em as much as I can. I want them to feel as much pain watching me bat as I did seeing them steal my chick. I want to fuck them like they fucked me.

That is why this latest hundred is my all time favourite knock. The slow strike rate, constant use of the inside edge, steady commitment to leg as many runs as I could and 279 sweet balls of graft and grind. I made them feel just as disgusted, sick and angry as I was back in Perth all those years ago.

It may not erase the past, but I feel better.

S Katich

Mar 28 2010
7 Comments
kiwis

taylored

As a team the New Zealand test side could try the patience of a Buddhist Nun, but they do have some classy individuals.

Last test Prince Brendon batted so well he decided he is too good for wicket keeping.

Dan Vettori now does so many things better than his team mates that he even shaves them before games.

And there is Ross Taylor, who is so full of talent he can usually only swing his arms to the legside.

For some reason, even with this talent, his test record is pretty ordinary.

Yesterday Taylor put in one of those innings yesterday that means you overlook his batting average and just start licking the sticky bits of his body.

There was luck there, Shane Watson must have a dude-crush on him, and more than a few shots that on another day would have found gully.

Instead he played one of the most entertaining lone gun innings in New Zealand history.

It was an innings that couldn’t be taught, and to be fair, probably shouldn’t be.

I saw the first half of the innings and he seemed to batting so furiously at times that the batsmen at the other end were going out because they were batting in his dust cloud.

At least that would have given them an excuse for batting so shit.

For the second half I went to bed, and I did that sick shit that some of us do when we have chosen to go to bed; I stayed up reading the scores on my mobile device.

It was hard to believe that Ross Taylor’s score could move upwards that quick, I thought the cricinfo worker might have been mainlining speed, so I got up, and it was Taylor who was.

138 off 104 when the rest of the team had only 98 runs.

That is special.

Like waking up from a drunk one night stand and realizing that even hungover and drooling from all orifices, the person next to you is still extremely shaggable.  And their morning breath smells good.

Tagged ,
Mar 27 2010
8 Comments
aussies, kiwis

the krab digs in, again

Had Simon Katich been born in New Zealand his whole career would make more sense.

An intelligent man with permanent three day growth, a batting technique that is rough on the eyes, some years in the wilderness, a failed career as a wrist spinner, and someone who struggles to convert fittys into hundreds.

Katich is a perpetual struggler.

Even when he is going well.

His career would be perfect for New Zealand, in almost any era.

Without him on the first day of the test Australia would have collapsed for a far more embarrassing total. Again.

Katich is making a habit out of making runs when no one else in the Australian team does.  He is like Michael Clarke if Michael Clarke’s technique was burnt in a vat of acid and he had to prove himself in every test.

In a team with one champion and a few great front runners, Katich sticks out.

The only other batsman Australia has who is willing to play ugly is his partner in grime, Michael Hussey.

Since the start of ’09 the Krab has been averaging a very solid 52 while making 3 hundreds and 10 fittys.

In his career, 12 times he has made between 75 and 99, only once was he not out.  In that time he has only made 6 scores in the 20s.

These are all important stats.  I am not sure what they mean, but whatever they mean, they mean a lot of it.

Katich averages 76 against the kiwis, maybe because he feels a deep spiritual bond with them.

This collapse has continued Australia’s run of getting bowled out at least once per series for less than 250, that run starts at the Bastard Monkey series of 07/08.

That deserves some applause. Ofcourse I could be wrong, I used all my research on Simon Katich.

Dictator Dan took wickets, but the rest of the media might mention that.

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